Every Tongue Got to Confess (18 page)

(The train is coming and the nigger goes to the waiting room door.) Says he, “Hey, you fellows in dar, you better gitcher ticket if you gwine anywhar, cause dat train out dar gwine each an’ everywhere. That’s all.”

—M
ARY
D
ASH
.

Geechies sho do love gold teeth. One time uh geechy married uh girl an’ went off tuh work, an’ she had uh baby whilst he wuz gone. When she wrote ’im de baby wuz born he come home right away tuh see if de youngun wuz his. He come in de house an’ went straight tuh de bed an’ looked at de baby. First thing he did wuz tuh open de baby’s mouf an’ look, den he says: “Dat ain’t my baby. Naw, sir! Dat ain’t no child uh mine.”

Jus’ like all de geechs he had uh mouf full uh gold teeth an’ he looked at de baby agin. His wife said yes dat wuz his baby, too, an’ wuz jus’ like ’im. Everybody who wuz sittin’ there said so, too; but he wouldn’t have it dat way. “Well,” he says, “if dat is my child, where is his gold teeth?”

—C
LIFFORD
U
LMER
.

Have you heard about the wreck? Dolphin run into Royal Street, skint up St. Francis Street, Conti layin’ at de point of death.

—G
EORGE
H
ARRIS.

One day I was going down the road; I was real hungry. I heard something call me, “Hey, Mister, take me,” so I looked around, couldn’t see anything. It called again. I told it to come on. It was a ham of meat. I walked on down the road a piece further after I got the ham. I heard another call. I told it to come—it was a big pan of biscuits. So I walked on down further; I heard something call again, “Hey, take me.” I told it to come on. It was a big can of syrup.

I decided to take lunch.

After I took lunch I got up and started on off. I heard something say, “Hey, Mister, are you a tooth dentist?” I told him no and asked him why. He said, “Oh, I wanted you to work on my wife’s teeth. She wore them off eating grass.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Two niggers went out stealing and they promised when they got thew stealing to meet each other at de forks of the road; and stid of meetin’ his partner, he met de sheriff dere. He hollered, “Hey, Oh partner,” fust and he says, “I beat you stealin’ tonight.”

Sheriff ast him whut did he steal. “I stole uh cow and sold her and I stole a mule an’ sold him, and come by old lady Lan’s and got dat big ole Shanghai rooster.”

De sheriff helt him up and said, “You don’t know who you talkin’ to, do yuh? I am the sheriff.”

Nigger says, “Well, do you know who I am, Mr. Sheriff?” and the sheriff said no. He says “I’m de lyingest nigger you ever met. I ain’t stole nothin.”

—B
ABY-FACE
T
URL
.

Once it wuz hard times and two men wuz sworn buddies went out tuh hunt. Dey didn’t ketch nothin, but when dey wuz most home dey seen uh deer layin’ down sleep in uh cane patch.

One uh de men said: “Look here, de Lawd done blessed us. Look at dat big fine deer. Less shoot ’im.”

De other said, “All right, but first less we ’vide ’im up.”

“All right, I’ll take one uh de hindquarters an’ you take de other.”

“Dat’s all right wid me. Now I’m gointer give my wife’s folks one front quarter.”

“It’s all right wid me; an I’m gointer give my uncle on my ole man’s side uh front quarter.”

“Dat’s good, an’we kin sell de head tuh ole man Tody an’make uh stew outa de heart an’ lights. Now who gointer git de liver?”

“I’ll tell you whut! Less give it tuh my sister’s husband.”

“Naw indeed, he done me outa uh fat shoat one time an’ I ain’t had no use fur ’im since. Less we give it tuh de preacher.”

“Naw, I wouldn’t give ’im air if he wuz stopped up in uh jug. I caught ’im kissin’ my side gal. Less give it tuh my nevvy (nephew).”

“Naw, I won’t ’gree tuh dat neither. Whut’s de matter wid you—always tryin’ tuh git de big end uh things fuh yo’ folks? Naw! naw! I mean NAW!! I’ll fight yuh first.”

Jus’ den de deer heard ’im an’ jumped up an’ run off faster than de word uh God an’ nobody didn’t git de liver.

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

Once there was an old man and an old woman who lived out in the woods. One day the old woman said to the old man. “Old man, what would you do if a bear would come?”

“I would take my gun and shoot his head off.”

So after while a big grizzle bear came up in the yard. The old man jumped up and ran up in the lauf (loft), the old woman took the gun and killed the bear—then she called up to the old man: “Old man, old man, come on down. I done killed the bear.”

The old man said: “The doggone bear done made me so mad that I messed all over myself. Bring me some more rags up here.”

—E
D
M
ORRIS.

One day a man was riding uh horse down de road. He had him a shotgun an’ uh pistol an’ uh razor. He met uh bear an’ de bear says tuh ’im, “Wait uh minute. They tell me dat you goin’ round tellin’ folks dat youse de king uh de world.”

Man said, “Thass right. Don’t you b’lieve it?”

“Naw, I don’t b’lieve it. Git down and fight.”

They went tuh fightin’ an’ de bear begin tuh squeeze an’ squeeze, an’ so de man knowed he couldn’t stand dat long; so he out wid his razor and cut de bear in de side—cut ’im deep, too. De bear turnt loose and drug off in de bushes tuh try tuh git well. De man went on down de road.

De lion smelt de blood and come found de bear where he was layin’ in de bushes and started tuh eat ’im. De bear hollered, “A-aw, Brother Lion, don’t tetch me, please. Ah’m
so
sore I don’t know whut to do. I met de king uh de world and he done cut me all up so Ah’m ’bout tuh die.”

De lion roared at ’im. “Don’t you lay dere an’ tell me you done met de king uh de world when you ain’t met
me
! Ah’m de king uh de world an’ ever’body knows it! Arr-rr-rrr I got a good mind tuh tear yuh tuh pieces.”

“Aw, Brother Lion, don’t tetch me, please. If you hadda seen ’im you would of said he was de king, too.”

“Where is he at? Jus’ lemme see ’im an’Ah’ll show him who is king uh de world.”

“Well, you jus’ set down here and wait awhile and he’ll come long and you kin meet ’im.”

So de lion set dere. After while he saw a old man comin’ down de road. He jumped up and got ready. “Is dat him, Brother Bear?”

“Naw, dat’s uh uster-be. Jus’ wait uh lil while mo’.”

After while a lil boy come down de road. De lion jumped up again and got ready tuh fight. “Is dat him?”

“Naw, dat’s uh gointer-be. He’ll be long here tureckly.”

After while here come de man ridin’ down de road. “Thass him! Thass him, Lion! Here he come!”

De lion jumped up and give his tail uh coupla cracks and run out in de middle of de road and got right in front de man. He hollered, “Hold on dere! They tell me you goin’ round strowin’ it youse de king uh de world?”

“I am, don’t you b’lieve it?”

“Naw, come on let’s fight.”

De man didn’t git down off his horse dis time—he jus’ up wid his shotgun and let de lion have one barrel right in de face. That was too much for de lion. He wheeled tuh run. De man let him have de other barrel under his tail. De lion made it into de woods to where de bear was and tole ’im, say, “Move over dere an’ give me uh place tuh lay down dere. I done met de king uh de world, I know it.”

Bear ast ’im, “How did you know it, Lion?”

“Cause he made de lightning in my face and thunder in my hind parts…So I know I done met de king.”

—L
OUIS CROOMS.

De elephant an’ de monkey an’ de wolf an’ several other beasts had uh convention to find out which wuz de ugliest animal, and they said de one dat wuz voted de ugliest had tuh go tuh de well an’ bring uh pail uh water. De monkey got up an’ got de water bucket an’ said: “I’ll go git de water distime,
but I don’t crack.” (He means to say he doesn’t joke about personal appearances.)

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

Every Friday all the mocking birds go to hell to carry a grain of sand to put out the fire; that is why no one ever hears a mocking bird sing on Friday.

—B
ERTHA
A
LLEN.

We wuz upon uh terbaccer truck goin’ after terbaccer plants. When we wuz goin’ we seen uh goat justa chewin’; when we come on back he wuz still chewin’ an he ast us: “Whose truck is dat?”

We tole ’im, “Harly Moss, why?”

He say, “Oh, nothin’.”

—N
ORA
L
EE
W
HITE
.

Hurricane met de tornado in Fort Lauderdale. So they went and had breakfast together.

Hurricane ast de tornado, says: “Where you been and whut you been doing?”

Tornado says: “Oh, I been down in Cuba messin around. Where you been?”

“I been to Palm Beach kinda bumpin de bump. Tell you whut let’s doo. Soon as we git thew breakfast, let’s go down to Miami and let’s shake dat thing.”

—M. C. F
ORD,
M
IAMI.

The Sea and the Wind was both women. They both had children. The Wind tole the Water, “My children is better than yours. Some flies in the air, some walks on the ground, and some swims the water. They got all kinds of pretty feathers. They kin sing. Yours can’t do nothin’ but swim.”

The Water got mad at the Wind for talkin’ like that, because she was mother of all the birds. So next time a lot of birds come down to drink, the Water caught ’em and drownded ’em. The Wind know she left her children down by the Water, so she keep passin’ over callin’ her children. Every time she calls ’em, they show they white feathers to let her know where they is, but de Water won’t let ’em go. When it storms, the Sea and the Wind is fighting about the children.

—L
ILY
M
AY
B
EALE
.

De brother in black is lak de monkey. He wanter do everything he see somebody do. They was an engineer on de I. C. had a pet monkey and he use to let him ride wid him sometime. One day he stepped off to git his orders and de fireman to ketch air, and de monkey jumps up in de engineer’s seat and opens de throttle and pulls her out. Down dat road him and dat wheeler. They sent wires ahead, “Look out ahead! Monkey on de rails.” Well, he run her till his steam died down.

Another time he had his monkey on de ship and de monkey could talk, so he bet a million dollars his monkey could talk, and de man bet him a million different. So he tried to make dat monkey talk. Monkey wouldn’t say a word. “Bet I’ll make you talk.” He tied dat monkey to de anchor chain. De chain wuz just running overboard. Way after while it jerked dat monkey up. When he got up to de rail he hollered, “Snub her, boss, snub her.”

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Man wuz goin’ tuh give uh purleau supper, but he didn’t have nothin’; so he went an’ stole uh chicken an’ brought it home. Well, he put on de water tuh clean it an’
his cat come up an’ says: “Unhunh, I see you got uh chicken. Gimme de liver an’ gizzard, please, m’am.”

Thass de way cat got uh talkin’—they says “m’am” tuh ever’body, even uh man.

He never paid no ’tention tuh de cat. He took an’ cooked dat hen wid uh plenty rice an’ set it back till his friends come.

Being de man uh de house he wuz first one tuh dip in de pot an’ he took de gizzard an’ et it, an’ it made ’im sick right off cause dat chicken wuz poisoned.

They called de doctor an’ put ’im tuh bed an’uh rockin’cheer wuz standin’ close up facin’ de bed an’ de cat got up in dat cheer an’ set dere an’ rocked, an’ she tole de man: “I sho is glad I didn’t eat none uh dat chicken. Goody, goody, goody! sho is glad I didn’t eat none uh dat chicken. Thass whut you git fuh eatin’ dat gizzard ’stead uh givin’ me some.” (The gizzard is believed to be the only dangerous part of a chicken fed on nux vomica.)

—“N
IGGER”
B
IRD.

Old feller one time had a mule. His name was Bill. Every morning he go to ketch ’im say, “Come round, Bill.”

So one morning he slept late, so he decided while he wuz drinkin some coffee he’d send his son to ketch old Bill.

Told him, say, “Go down dere, boy, and bring me dat mule up here.”

Boy, he such a fast aleck, he grabbed de bridle and went on down to de lot to ketch old Bill.

He say, “Come round, Bill.” De mule looked round at him. He told de mule. “ ’Tin’t no use you rollin yo’ eyes at me—pa want yuh dis mawnin. Come on round and stick yo’ head in dis bridle.”

Mule kept on lookin at him and said: “Every mawnin, it’s come round, Bill—come round Bill. Don’t hardly git no night rest before it’s come round, Bill.”

De boy thowed down dat bridle and flew back to de house and tole his pa, “Dat mule’s talkin.”

“Aw gwan, boy, tellin yo’ lies. Gwan ketch dat mule.”

“Naw, pa, dat mule’s done gone to talkin. You hatta (have to) ketch dat mule. I ain’t gwine.”

Old man looked at old lady, say: “See whut uh lie dat boy’s tellin.”

So he gits out and goes down after de mule himself. When he got down dere he hollered: “Come round, Bill.”

Old mule looked around and says: “Every mawnin it’s ‘come round Bill’.”

De old man had a lil fice dog useter foller ’im everywhere he go, so he lit out wid de lil fice right behind ’im. So he told de lady: “De boy ain’t tole much of a lie—dat mule sho is talkin. I never heered uh mule talk before.”

Lil fice say: “Me neither. I got skeered.” Right through de woods he went wid de fice right behind ’im. He nearly run hisself to death. He stopped and commenced blowin and he says: “I’m so tired I don’t know whut to do.” Lil dog run and set down in front of him and went to hasslin and he says, “me, too.”

Dat man is runnin yit.

—A. D. F
RAZIER.

Once the hounds wuz chasin’ a fox and had run him all night long. And soon the next mornin’ he wuz runnin’ crost a mountain and looked back and seen the sun rising all red. He said to hisself: “Doggone my running soul! I done set de world on fire.”
*

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

A cross-eyed gnat and a one-eyed fly had a collision, and they’s suing each other yet.

—N. A. J
AMES.

Once a lady had a polly
*
and he was awful bad. A man came along selling coal. The polly told him to drive around to the back and drive back this evening and get your pay. So the man came back that evening after his pay. The polly didn’t answer, so the lady answered and the man said: “I came after the pay for the coal.”

She said, “I haven’t ordered any coal.”

The man said, “I know you have!”

She thought about her polly and said, “I bet that old polly ordered that coal. She caught the polly and choked him and threw him back under the house. She had killed a rooster for dinner. The polly began to come to, so he raised up his head, looked at the rooster’s head and said, “Hello friend, what are you doing under here—are you ordering coal, too.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Man had a cat. Every evening he come home from work he bring a piece of meat for his supper. De cat meet him and ast: “Is dat ham?”

Man say: “Yeah, I’ll give you a piece.”

After while, times got tight. He got a lil piece of meat. Cat met him. “Is dat Ham?”

Man say: “Naw, God damn yuh, dis is bacon and you ain’t gointer git a smell, neither.”

—C
LARENCE
B
EALE
.