Every Tongue Got to Confess (5 page)

Dat skeered de preacher cause everybody woke up and begin lookin’ right at ’im. So he started on back in de pulpit singin’: “Oh, Ah jus’ done dat to try yo’ faith, Ah jus’ done dat tuh try yo’ faith.”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER
.

Uh preacher wuz up preachin’. He reared an’ he pitched an’ he had de church wid ’im, too. He says, “Ooooh, brothers an’ sisters, when all de saints come marchin’ up under de blood-stained banner uh Jesus Christ; when they go marchin’, marchin’, marchin’, marchin’, trompin’, trompin’, up tuh glory in dat ma-a-awni-ing; when Gabrull shall place one foot on de sea an’ one on de land an’ shall draw in de win’ from de four corners uh de earth; when de rocks an’ de mountains shall skip lak lambs; when de sun shall go down in blood and de moon shed tears lak uh weepin’ woman; when Jesus Christ de Lamb of Gawd shall lead forth de forty-an’-four thousand dat’s been redeemed by de blood uh de blood shed on Calvary for de sins uh de world; when de sinner man, de sinner woman shall run tuh de rocks and de mountains cryin’, ‘Who, who, who whoooo shall save me from de wrath of an angry God?’; when de rocks shall cry, ‘Awwahhh! Git away! Ah’m burnin’, too.’; when God shall step down from His throne an’ say dat Time shall be no more—brothers an’ sisters, will you be dere?”

Response: “Yes!”

Preacher: “Some of you got mothers gone on before.”

Response: “Yes, Lord.”

Preacher: “Some of you got fathers gone on tuh glory.”

Response: “Yes, Yes.”

Preacher: “Some of you got one child gone on before.”

Response: “Yes, preach it!”

Preacher: “Some of you got two-oo children gone on before.”

Response: “Yes, my God.”

Preacher: “Some of you got three children, some got four.”

Response: “Yes, I mean tuh see ’em, too!”

Preacher: “Some of you got seben children gone on tuh heben.”

Response: “Lawd! I can’t stand it!”

Preacher: “Some got ten children waitin’ in glory.”

Response: “My God, ain’t it de truth!”

Preacher: “AN’ DEY
ALL
GOT DIFFERENT DADDIES!”

You could uh heered uh pin drop in dat church. Not uh soul said amen on dat.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

Preacher wuz going down to the water wid his candidates and uh sister wuz upon de bank and de people wuz singing: “Gimme dat ole time religion, gimme dat ole time religion, gimme dat ole time religion, it’s good enough for me.”

De sister upon de bank saw a big ole ’gator out behond de preacher, but the preacher didn’t see him. So she wuz singing: “I don’t lak dat red-eyed ’gator, I don’t lak dat red-eyed ’gator, I don’t lak dat red-eyed ’gator.”

De preacher looked round and said, “No, by God, and I don’t neither; he’s too big and black for me.”

—C
ARRIE
M
C
C
RAY.

De preacher was up preaching and he said: “Every tongue got to confess; everybody got to stand in judgment for theyself; every tub got to stand on its own bottom.”

One little tee-ninchy
*
woman in de amen corner said: “Lordy, make my bottom wider.”

—R
EBECCA
C
ORBETT.

There wuz two deacons of de church, one Methodist and one Baptist. They went out sailing one night in a little boat and in de late watches of de night de water begin to git rough and stormy, and de tides begin to rise, and de boat begin to wheel and rock to ketch water; and de Methodist deacon said to the Baptist deacon: “Say dere, brother, we better git busy and begin to dip dis water out de boat wid a bucket.”

So de Baptist deacon decided dat dipping de water out wid a bucket wuzn’t gettin’ much results. So de Baptist deacon decided dey better pray. So he said, “We better say our prayers.”

The Methodist deacon said, “No, dem little God damn Our Fathers prayers ain’t gointer do us any good, dip water.”

—C
ARRIE
M
C
C
RAY.

A man wuz cussin’ and damnin’, an’ a preacher come along and says tuh him: “Son, it’s wrong tuh be talkin’ ’bout fightin’. Let God fight your case.”

So de man says: “All right.” An’ so he didn’t fight.

’Bout uh week after dat de man met de preacher, an’ he wuz all scratched up, an’ his clothes all tore up. He said to de preacher: “God maybe all right in uh man fight, but He ain’t worth uh damn in uh bear fight.”

—G
EORGE
B
ROWN.

A man wuz hongry and he ast de preacher to help him out. De preacher tole him just ast de Lawd for whut he wants and he’ll git it. So de man went home and got down and ast de Lawd, says: “O Lawd, send me down a barrel of flour, a barrel of meal, a barrel of sugar, a tub of lard, ten hams, a side of meat, a barrel of pepper—hold on, dere a minute, God. Dat’s too damn much pepper.”

—N
AT
J
AMES.

This was a great big woman. So she had done got religion and was going to be baptized in de river de next Sunday. So she went round and tole her friends she had better religion than anybody ever joined dat church and they better come see her baptized. So they did.

De preacher was a lil man, and de river was full of holes, and he got fretted when he heard how this big portly sister was going to rear and pitch out dere in dat water, so he got to studying ’bout dat thing.

So dat Sunday he tole de deacons to make her de last candidate and to stand close and give him aid and assistance wid her case. All de time he was baptizing de others, she was rearin’ and pitchin’ and hollerin’ so de people on shore could take notice. When he got to her he said de words right quick and ducks her under and holds her under till she swallows a little water. She was so full when she come up she couldn’t git her wind. She was steppin’ out on de bank before she got straight to open her mouf, but she seen all de folks upon de bank she had done tole to come so she had to say something; but all she could git out was “Chris’mus gift”.

—L. O. T
AYLOR.

Two men wuz hoboing round an’ come tuh uh town. They had done caught three pigeons an’ wuz ’bout tuh kill ’em an’ eat ’em when dey heard somebody say de church needed uh preacher. So they made it up for one of ’em to preach an’ git holt uh some money.

They went on to de church house an’ one of ’em took de pigeons an’ clammed up in de loft, an’ de other one took his seat in de pulpit.

When de people come, he tole ’em he wuz uh preacher an’ uh God-sent man: so they let ’im preach.

Him an’ his partner had done made it up dat everytime he call for uh pigeon from heben, de one up in de loft would send down one so de people would think it come from heben. Dey knowed dey wuz going tuh get uh good collection after that.

De one dat wuz preachin’ reared an’ he pitched. De church got all warmed up. After awhile he thowed back his head an’ hollered, “If I be uh God-sent man, send me down uh pigeon from heben!”

De one up in de loft sent down uh pigeon. De people begin tuh shout.

He preached on awhile an’ he hollered agin, “If I be uh God-sent man, send down another pigeon!”

Down come another pigeon. De people wuz goin’ wild. Some of ’em even got skeered an’ crep’ out de church.

He preached some more, den he hollered de third time, “If I be uh God-sent man, send down another pigeon!”

De pigeon didn’t come. He hollered agin, but no pigeon. He figgered his buddy mus’ be sleep so he hollered still louder. De one up in de loft wuzn’t sleep. Dat last pigeon had done got loose an’ he wuz tryin’ tuh ketch ’im, so when his buddy kept on hollerin’, he hollered down, “You kin wait till I ketch ’im, cantcher?”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER
.

There was a church at my home that couldn’t keep a pastor. So they changed pastors as regular as jumping checkers. So at last one of the deacons said, “I’ve found the man.”

So on Saturday he come to preach Sunday, so the deacon advised him to be particular for he had a peculiar people to deal with.

He said, “Oh, I’ll suit the people all right.”

So on Sunday everybody was in a hurry to get to church. When he got up to address the congregation he said: “Brothers and sisters, it affords me no small source of pleasure of being with you today.”

So his favorite deacon whispers to him and says, “Be careful, for God’s sake! Don’t tell a lie.”

The preacher said, “I want to sing one of my favorite songs suited to common meter.” So he gave it out—“O for a thousand tongues to sing my Great Redeemer’s praise!”

One old deacon back in the corner said, “Come on down! Come on down from there! You have lied to start with—got a thousand tongues singing a song I can sing with one tongue. Come on down.”

And that’s all he got to say in that church, and when I left home they were still pastorless.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

Once there wuz an ole lady so par’lyzed tuh not do nothing. One day she wuz in church, so de preacher put a man in de loft of de church and told him, when he say, “De Lawd is coming by”, to go tuh tearin’ off de shingles and make uh fuss.

He begin to preach. He said, “De Lawd is coming by,” man begin to tear shingles and make a fuss. Everything begin to run, and this par’lyzed lady led de crowd hollerin’, “De Lawd is coming by.”

—E
DWARD
M
ORRIS.

There were once an old fellow, a farmer, and he had cleared some new ground, and he had a lil son and when he went to cultivate this land he put his son out to plow it with a very contrary mule; and de boy was plowing and de mule was going contrary, and de boy begin to curse and rear at de mule. So a preacher was passing at de time to revival meeting, and he heard the boy cussing and he ast de boy why did he cuss so bad and why didn’t he pray. And de boy told him that a man couldn’t pray and plow new ground, and so de preacher begged de boy to come to church dat night—which he did.

De preacher says, “You never hear me cuss, smoke, drink or lie, and if you ever hear or see me doing any of those things—you just whistle.”

De preacher talked on and said, “Nothing could pick the grass as close to the ground as a goose,” and when he said dat the lil boy raised up in de back of the church and whistled.

The preacher remembered that he had told the boy right immediately and after he finished preaching he ast de boy whut did he lie ’bout.

De lil boy tole him, “I heard you say dat nothin’ could pick grass as close as a goose; but I must say dat a gander can pick it just as close as a goose.”

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Man loved preachers an’ uster always have uh heap uh stump knockers
*
round all de time. He had uh boy dat wuz kinda mis
chee
vous an’ one time he made de ole man so mad he tole ’im to git out an’ go where he couldn’t never see ’im no more. De boy jus’ wanted tuh be aggravatin’, so he ast ’im where he must go. De ole man wuz so mad he tole him tuh go tuh hell, cause he didn’t keer whut become of ’im.

De boy went on off an’ thought he would jus’ travel roun’ an’ see de world while he wuz on his way tuh hell. He traveled on till he come tuh de land uh de molly-moes (mile-ormores). They is great big birds dat sticks they heads down in de ground when they see somebody comin’ an’ shake they feathers, an’ you kin hear de wind whistlin’ thew ’em fur uh mile or mo’.

He got by dem all right an’ traveled on till he got tuh Head-and-Belly land. Dere all you had tuh do wuz tuh set down on de side uh de road an’ wait, an’ anything you want tuh eat would come by yuh. Uh baked hog wid uh knife an’ fork in his side would come trottin’ long an’ all you had tuh do wuz tuh stop ’im an’ eat all you want—then tell ’im tuh go on tuh de nex’ one dat wanted some meat. Fried chickens an’ everything come long, an’ tater pies an’ he et all he wanted; den he went on where he wuz gwine.

Way after while he got tuh hell, but everybody wuz back in de kitchen, an’ so when he hailed he didn’t git no answer. He didn’t see no dogs, so he went on round tuh de back an’ heered somebody talkin’ in de kitchen an’ he got skeered. He thought whut uh bad boy he uster be an’ he wuz skeered de devil wuz gointer ketch ’im an’ chunk ’im in de fire, but he didn’t see de fire. Way after while he got up nerve tuh peep thew un crack an’ he seen de devil settin’ tuh de table playin’ skin wid two or three preachers. One of ’em said: “Seem lak Ah hear somebody outside. Better go look.”

De devil played on. De preacher tole ’im agin he thought he heered somebody outside, but de devil got mad an’ tole ’im: “Say! you tryin’ tuh git me tuh go outside so you kin shuffle dese cards tuh suit yo’self. But Ah ain’t goin’ no damn where till you fall.”

De devil had uh big open fireplace wid taters roastin’ in de ashes an’ slices uh country cured ham broilin’ on sticks an’ uh big jug uh likker settin’ on de table. Bad Boy wanted tuh git in dere so bad! He wanted de devil tuh ketch ’im after he seen all
dat, so he made some noise wid his feet. Afterwhile de devil says: “B’lieve I
do
hear somebody out dere, but it ain’t nobody but uh preacher an’ I got too many uh dem here now tuh eat up my rations an’ drink up mah likker. He sho ain’t gointuh git in. B’lieve I’ll go sick de dogs on ’im.”

De boy went on way from hell an’ kept on travelin’ fuh uh year uh two, den he come tuh uh place an’ some crackers got ’im. They had uh way uh ketchin’ niggers an’ keerin’ ’em cross on uh island an’ makin’ ’em work two or three years, an’ den if youse uh good nigger, they’d give yuh uh pass an’ let yuh go. They paid yuh all right, but you couldn’t leave.

Well, de boy staid over dere three years an’ saved all his money. Den he got intuh uh crap game an’ won uh whole heap uh money, so he made up in his mind he wanted out. So he went on down tuh de boat an’ de white man dat run de boat wuz settin’ dere readin’ uh paper wid his gun layin’ on de groun’ beside ’im. He had jus’ cleaned it. He wouldn’t eben look up at de nigger.