Every Tongue Got to Confess (4 page)

Once upon a time it wuz ah man and wife. Man wuz name Isaac and wife named Daphne. There wuz a convention going to be in town and the preacher ast Isaac to care for some of the delegates. He tole him he wasn’t able. So de preacher tole him to trust in de Lord and whatsoever he ast de Lord for in faith that He would give it to ’im. So he tole him all right, he would take two delegates. The night before he went to church he tole his wife Daphne: “Lest make out an order for some groceries.” So the Lord would have plenty time to have it here by morning. He tole her to call it out whilst he write it down.

“Lord, send us a sack of flour, a ham of cow, and a ham of hog, a bushel of meal, a barrel of black pepper, one barrel
*
of sugar, one barrel of lard.”

So they went on to church to service and when service was over he brought the two preachers home that was to stop with him and taken them in the room. And then when they came out, him and Daphne went in de kitchen to see had they order
came. It wuzn’t there, so they lied down. The next morning before day he went in agin to see had it come. It wasn’t there. He got angry then and he got down on his knees and prayed agin.

“Say, Lord, I have these two brothers here and nothing for them to eat and you didn’t do what you promised, and furthermore you are not a man to your word. So from this on, you be damned sho to tend to yo’ own bizness and let Isaac tend to his own.”

So de preachers heard him prayin’ so loud they tole Sister Daphne to talk to him—that they think he wuz losin’ his mind and she said: “Isaac ain’t crazy. He’s just a plain man. If uh man don’t treat ’im right, Isaac ’ll tell to dey teeth.” Bout dat time I left.

—V
IOLA
B
ALLON.

One time uh preacher had uh church an’ his members wuz pretty wicked, so he made up his mind tuh give ’em uh strong sermon tuh shake ’em up. So he preached on judgment day.

Somebody’s parrot had done got away and had done flew up in de loft uh de church, but nobody didn’t know it. So de preacher preached on till he got down to where de angel Gabrill would be blowin’. He said, “Brothers an’ sisters, when Gabrill shall plant one foot on sea an’ one on de dry land wid his trumpet in his hand an’ shall cry dat Time shall be no mo’—whut’ll you poor sinners do? When blows his trumpet, ‘Tooot toot’, whut
will
you do?”

Every time he said ‘toot toot’ de parrot would answer him; but he wuz so busy preachin’ he didn’t notice nothin’. But some of the people heard de parrot an’ dey begin slippin’ out a de church one an’ two at uh time. Dey thought it wuz Gabrill
sho nuff. He kept on preachin’ in uh strainin’ voice wid his eyes shet tight, till he hollered ‘toot, toot’ and de parrot answered him so loud dat everybody heered ’im, an’ everybody bolted for de door, de preacher, too. But he wuz way up in de pulpit and so he wuz de very las’ one tuh reach de door. Justez he wuz goin’ out de door de wind slammed it on his coattail and he hollered: “Aw naw, Gabrill, turn me loose! You ’low me de same chance you ’lowed dese others.”

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

A preacher wuz preaching and one ole woman kept on hollerin’, “Let de Holy Ghost ride, let de Holy Ghost ride!”

When they went to lift collection de preacher says, “Now all y’all dat enjoyed de sermon so much, come up and put a dollar on de table.”

De ole woman says, “Let de Holy Ghost walk.”

—L.O. T
AYLOR
.

Dere wuz uh man had uh pretty wife, an’ de preacher wuz hangin’ round her; but she wuzn’t tumblin’ fast.

He studied how tuh make her, so he started tuh spreadin’ his flannel (his tongue) tuh make her think he had plenty power—so he up an’ tole her one time dat he could change de color uh her baby from black tuh white, cause he wuz uh man uh God.

Her husban’ wuz jus’ outside an’ heard ’im, but he didn’t say nothin’—he jus’ let dat ride.

De preacher had uh whole heap uh sheeps, so he jus’ went on over tuh his place an’ cut off de tails uh de sheeps an’ put ’em down by de gate-post an’ come on home an’ went tuh bed.

De nex’ day de preacher wuz all uhround rearin’ an’ cussin’
’bout his sheep. “If I jus’ knowed who cut off my sheeps’ tails I’d fix him. I’d give uh thousand dollars tuh know de seben-sided son of uh gun dat did it.”

When he come tuh de man dat did it an’ said dat, he tole ’im: “Well,” he says, “if you kin turn black babies white, look lak you could tell who cut off yo’ sheeps’ tails.”

—W.M. R
ICHARDSON.

A man and his wife had a colt that they thought a lot of. So they bought him a pretty new halter. Next Sunday they went to church and the preacher’s text was: “There was an angel come down from heaven with a pair of tongs and taken a live coal from the altar.”

The old lady said, “Come on, old man, let’s git home just as quick as we kin.”

He ast her why she wanted to leave the service and she said: “Didn’t you hear what he said? He’s preachin’ ’bout our colt. He says ‘There was a wild Indian from New Hampshire come and caught the colt by the tail and snatched his head out de halter.”

Dere wuz once uh woman who b’longded to de church an’ she uster git up an’ tell de greatest experience of anybody. No matter whut nobody said, she always carried it past ’em. So one Sunday when de Love-Feast wuz red hot, she got up and said: “Brothers and sisters, I jes been tuh heben in mah vision.”

Chorus: “Amen.”

Sister: “An’ Gawd wuz in de beanpatch pickin’ beans.”

Chorus: “Amen.”

Sister: “An’ He tole me tuh go in de house and make myself tuh home. An’ I went in de house in de many mentions (mansions) an’ made myself tuh home. An’ when He come in, He
tole me, says: ‘Liza, Liza, go git yourself a long white robe.’ I got it and put it on, and praise God, it fit.

“Den He tole me tuh git myself some golden slippers, and I put ’im on an’ He says: “Liza, you sho looks good.’

“Den He tole me to go git myself uh starry crown. I put it on and, praise God, it fit.

“Den He tole me, He says: ‘Liza, go get yourself some long white wings.’ I got dem and put ’em on and flew and flew and flew so fast till I flew into God’s tombstone an’ knocked it down an’ God stopped pickin’ beans, an’ pushed back His hat an’ looked up an’ He says: ‘AHHH-HHHAHHAHH, didn’t dat nigger fly-hi?’ ”

Uh man in de back uh de church says, “Yes, and didn’t dat nigger lie?’ ”

An’ dat broke up de meetin’ in uh fight.

—M
ATTHEW
B
RAZZLE
.

There was a great Sunday-school boy. He went to Sunday-school every Sunday. The boy was named Willie. Willie was very active about asking and answering questions until no one else could ask or answer a question. One Sunday his mother said, “Son, you want to give the others a chance and let them talk.”

So the next Sunday the subject was Jacob’s ladder. So Willie sat quietly until they was almost through. Willie saw the picture of Jacob’s ladder and the angel going up and down. The superintendent said, “If there is nothing else we will close.”

Willie held up his hand and said, “Mr. Superintendent, what in the hell does the angel need with a ladder when he’s got wings?”

—C
LIFFERT
U
LMER.

One time dere wuz a preacher wanted everybody to jine church and he went roun’, my Lord, aroun’. He tole each an’ everyone be down tuh de Economical River. Sunday evening he gwine tell you whut one of God’s chillun gwine do.

Everybody dat heard about it was dere. He tole two deacons tuh build ’im a scaffold all de way cross de river under de water. De deacons only built it half way cross. He thowed up his hands and said, “All right, chillun, I’m gwinter sho you whut one of God’s chilluns is gwinter do.”

All right, he stepped out and went tuh singing his song, “I’m uh walkin’ on de water, I’m uh walkin’ on de water to be baptized. Oh water, to be baptized.” About to de end of de scaffold dese deacons done built, he fell in. “I tole dem deacons tuh build dis scaffold all de way cross.” (Gesture of swimming laboriously.)

—J
AMES
B
ROWN.

Once there wuz a preacher. He sent his boy over to a man name Paul to git him a half pint of shinny.
*
Boy stayed so long till when he got back his father wuz gone.

So he goes on over to the church and his father had taken his text in Paul. He wuz teaching about Paul and he ast: “Whut did Paul say?”

Little boy peep round de door every time he would say “What did Paul say?” Kept on asting whut did Paul say and de boy thought he wuz talking to him. The boy hollered out and tole him, “Paul say he wuzn’t goin’ send him a damn bit more till he pay for dat he got.”

—W
ILL
T
HOMAS.

There wuz uh woman who wuz always in church. Whenever her husban’ looked for her she wuz there. One day she locked up de kitchen an’ went on. She wuz in uh hurry tuh git dere cause dey wuz holdin’ protracted meetin’. When her husban’ come home she had him locked way from his rations, so he went down tuh de church an’ peeped. He couldn’t see her, but he knowed she wuz dere. He heered ’em singing’: “Git on board, lil childen”, so he answered ’em wid de nex’ verse, “An’ if my wife is in dere, jus’ tell her this fuh me, jus’ send dat doggone kitchen key an’ stay on board, lil childen.”

She had ’im locked way from his eatin’s an’ he wuz mad.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

Once there was a man and the preacher came to his house to take dinner. Preacher saw the rooster on the yard and the man went into the garden to pick some greens. He cooked them and called the preacher to dinner. The preacher came to dinner and looked at the greens and said: “Uh! Say, I thought you were going to have chicken for dinner?”

The man said, “I be doggone if you are going to eat my rooster so I won’t have any more eggs on my yard.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Once an ole preacher was up preaching. An ole man sitting in the amen corner said, “God grant it!” to everything the preacher would say.

“What do you think about these fast trains running at the rate of one hundred fifty miles a hour?”

“God grant it!”

“What you think about these automobiles running at the rate of two hundred fifty miles a hour?”

“God grant it!”

“What you think about these ships on the water going at the rate of three hundred fifty miles a hour?”

“God grant it!”

“What you think about these airplanes going at the rate of four hundred fifty miles a hour?”

Old man died down and he said, “God damn it.”

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Once there wuz an ole lady died and her name wuz Aunt Dinah. Being she wuz so ole they thought they would have a prayer over her. So de ole deacon he call all of ’em round him and went down in prayer. He said, “Send your power down here and wake up dese cold, frozen hearts. I can’t hear a moan and neither a groan.” So he called again and nobody still didn’t say nothing.

So he raised up and looked and everybody wuz gone but him and Aunt Dinah. She wuz sittin’ up on de coolin’ board, and so he called her. He said, “Aunt Dinah?”

She said, “Huh?”

He said, “Is dat you?”

She says, “Uh hunh.”

He says, “Don’t you move a damn peg, do I’ll knock you dead on de coolin’ board.”

—W
ILL
T
HOMAS.

Once there wuz another ole preacher. He wuz talkin’ to some boys one day and de boys ast him would he be ready when Gabriel blow his trumpet. He told ’em, “Yeah, he’d be ready if Gabriel wuz to blow his trumpet dis minute.”

So dat night he went on to church and he wuz asting de members, “Will you be ready when Gabriel blow his trumpet?” So whilst he wuz preaching, de boys begin to blow on a
horn back of a church and dey blowed de second time. He says, “Hush, I think I hear Gabriel blowing now. If it’s him he’ll blow de third time.” So they blowed de third time. He stopped and said, “Wait dere, Gabriel, I ain’t ready to go yet.”

So he runned on home, told his wife to open de door. She wuz so slow ’bout opening de door he run round to de back. She ast him what wuz de matter. Says, “Gabriel begin to blow dat damn trumpet down yonder.”

She says, “I speck you cussed, didn’t you?”

He says, “Yes, you damn right I cussed and ain’t thew cussin’ yet.”

—W
ILL
T
HOMAS.

You know, too many folks is preaching dese days. Jes lak one man, he wuz grubbin’ and cuttin’ new ground, an’ one day de sun got so hot, an’ he got so tired. So he went and laid down on de shady side uh de log an’ says: “Now, God, if you don’t pick me up and throw me over dis log, I’ll know you done called me tuh preach.” De Lord never did, so he went and tole people he wuz called tuh preach.

—D
AUGHTER
S
ARAH
S
EWELL
.

It wuz uh big revival meetin’ goin’ on and many souls wuz saved. De preacher really likes his women, you know. And there wuz one good-lookin’ kinda plump-like girl at de mourner’s bench he wuz likin’. You know, way back when folks uster lay under conviction, they uster stay at de church prayin’ and singin’ over de mourners all night long, ’specially them whut wuz layin’ under conviction.

Dis girl wuz under conviction and she done fell out in de floor in front de altar rail all stretched out dere, and you could
see her fat legs. Way in de night when nearly everybody done went home, and them whut wuz dere wuz mostly bowed down sleep, de preacher looked all round and looked at dem legs, and eased on down out de pulpit and started tuh feelin’ her legs.

It skeered her and she hollered out, “Oh, stop dat! Who dat grabbin’ me by my leg?”