Everything (30 page)

“How can you want me to be around you?”

“It’s true you have been a pain lately,” I teased, knowing that was not what she was referring to but trying to ease her mind anyway.

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I know, and how stupid of you to think otherwise. You’re still my sister, and even if Mom was texting and driving, Mom made that choice, not you. You can’t blame yourself for that. I won’t let you, and she wouldn’t either.”

She eyed me but didn’t say anything. We let the subject drop, and she went to clean off her face and left for Sharkey’s.
 

Being out in town after the funeral was just as we thought. We got the “it’s them” stares and the “poor things” looks as soon as we walked into the restaurant, but for the most part, people kept their distance from us and we were able to eat in peace.
 

We went over to check on Opal, but she and Mr. Eugene were not there. When we got back to the house, I called the Mr. Jackson I had found on the papers in Dad’s stack and got his voice mail, so I left a message for him to call me back.

Aria said she was tired and went to take a nap, and I found my way back into my parents’ bedroom again. I had wandered over to Mom’s reading chair and picked up the Robert Frost book. Flipping it open to a random page, I read “The Road Not Taken.” I remembered this poem from one of my classes as one we had to analyze, and at the time, I had given it an eye roll and thought it was stupid and taken it for granted. But now, looking at it, I saw it was blatantly obvious what the poem meant, and it was no wonder I had gotten a C on the assignment. I flipped through the pages some more and then got up and went over to Dad’s work shirt that was still on the bed with the torn pocket and picked it up. I slipped it on over my clothes and smelled his aftershave on it, the one that used to make me turn my nose up because I thought he put too much on. Now, I missed it. I missed him.

My phone rang, making me jump.

“Hello?”

“Hey, babe.”

“Oh, hey, Trevor.”

“Oh?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I was just expecting another call, that’s all.”

“Some other guy calling my girl?” he teased.

“Yes, actually, but not what you think.”

He waited for me to elaborate.
 

“It’s the lawyer guy.”

“Oh. You want to go to Spinner’s tonight?”

“I can’t, babe. We are going back to school tomorrow, and I want to get a fresh night’s sleep.” Plus I didn’t want to leave Aria.

“Oh, okay,” he said dejectedly.

“I’m sorry. We can go later this week, okay?”

“Yeah, sure. You want me to come by?”

“I’m just going to turn it in early tonight, babe. I’m sorry.” I knew it wasn’t fair to him. I hadn’t been spending much time with him these past few days, and I knew he was giving me my space, but I didn’t know how much longer he would continue to do so.

“Are you okay, babe...? Is everything okay, I mean?” he asked, concern in his voice.

No, my sister thinks she killed my parents and people won’t stop staring at us. “Yes, just Aria stuff,” I said.

“Want to talk about it?”

How could I tell someone and have them understand?
 

“No, I’ll be okay,” I said.

He sighed heavily and said he was there if I needed him, then hung up. I knew he wanted me to open up to him and let him in. It’s just a part of me still needed him to be that island, and though it sounded selfish, I wanted him to wait for the time where I needed him and give me space to work through everything I needed.

My phone rang again, but this time it was the lawyer.

Turns out, my parents were clients of his and did have a will. He stated he would need the death certificates faxed over to him, then he would call me to set up an appointment time.

 
Hanging up, I thought snidely that it would surprise Mick to know that Mom actually did have a will, although what was in it was still left to be seen.

I went upstairs to see if Aria was awake, knowing she would want to know. I found her sitting on her bed.

“So the lawyer called me back, and turns out Mom and Dad did have a will.”

“They did?” she asked, shocked.

“Umm humm. The lawyer is going to contact me once he gets the death certificates from the medical examiner’s office.”

“What do you think is in the will?” she asked, intrigued.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not like they had money stashed away and were these secret millionaires.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if they were?”

And just for a second, my little sister was back. She clapped her hands and jumped up and down and made this elaborate story of us being millionaires and moving out of this Podunk town to LA and her being the rich millionaire who acted just for fun and me writing because it was a hobby and I was good at it, and we laughed and made up names for our butlers and maids.

“It feels good to laugh,” I said.

“It does, but I feel...” Aria trailed off.

“You feel guilty?” I guessed, because I was feeling the same way.

“Yes, like I have no business laughing when they can’t, ever.”

“I don’t think they would want us to feel this way, to not be happy.”

“I know, but I can’t help it, especially if I caused it.”

“Even if that were the case, do you think Mom or Dad would not want you to smile your beautiful smile again?”

She was thoughtful for a moment, then said, “No, I guess not. But it still feels wrong.”

“It will feel easier. At least that’s what they say,” I said airily.

She smiled, and for the rest of the evening, we weren’t the two girls who lost both their parents in a terrible car crash. We were just two girls who were preparing to go back to school tomorrow after having been gone for a week.

Going back to school was as seamless as ever. It was as if we had never been absent for a week straight, and the kids at school didn’t stare like the people in town. The teachers all acknowledged once that they were sorry for my loss, then it was business as usual, and I was swamped with makeup work. I started my days back up on Opal watch, alternating with Mr. Eugene again, and made time for Trevor as much as possible. When he came over to stay the night, we stayed in the guest room so Aria got her room to herself and we didn’t have to sleep on the couch. Aria liked me in the room with her, but I was going to move into the guest room permanently when she was more comfortable with it.

Trevor and I were coming up on our two-year anniversary soon, and I had no idea what to get him. I had been putting a lot of thought into it because it had to be special, as he had been so good to me these past few weeks with being there for me after my parents’ death.

I was headed out the door with anniversary gift thoughts in my head when my phone buzzed. I took it out to see I had a message from Trevor. I thought it was odd because I knew he was at work, and he never texted me unless something was wrong.

Hey

Hey, everything OK?

Just thinking

About?

Us

Ok?

U don’t seem happy w/me

I am R U?

Not lately

He wasn’t happy? I knew that I was still working out my parents’ death, but I thought I had come a long way. True, I hadn’t “bounced back,” as he put it, and we hadn’t had sex since before they died, but it had only been three weeks. When I didn’t respond right away, I got another text.

I have tried being ur island and being there 4 U but its 2 much 4 me

U sound like ur saying u want 2 break up

There was a long pause in between text messages, so long that I thought he may have gotten busy at work and had to go, which would have caused me to go to his job and finish this conversation because I wouldn’t have been able to continue my day without that question being answered. Just when I was about to reply again, he responded and all the wind was knocked out of me as I leaned against the door for support.

I am

My first thought was this is a joke, he was just fucking with me, and he would text “gotcha” soon, and I would laugh.
 

R u serious?

Yes, I’m sorry

So it was real. He was breaking up with me. By text message.
 

Ur a coward, text message really??

I didn’t even wait for him to reply, my fingers typing on their own accord now.

I can’t even process this right now

Look I didn’t mean 4 this 2 happen like this

4 what 2 happen like this?

How I told u

But u did want to break up?

Yes

Fuck u

Dacey

NO! Fuck u. I luv u

Can we talk about this l8r I have 2 go

I didn’t bother texting him back. I didn’t even bother going to school, and since Aria had already left, I had the house to myself. I went in my parents’ bedroom in a daze and climbed in their bed, curling myself into the tightest ball possible. I cried my soul out. I cried because it felt like everything I knew in my world was crumbling. I cried for my parents again because what kid deserved to have to bury their parents? I cried for Wally, for the lost relationship we would never have and for the one we
did
have, how horrible he was to me, but he loved me and I loved him. I cried for the cards that were kept and what they meant.

I cried for my sister, who thinks she killed our parents, the agony she is going through and has gone through keeping that secret. The unease of not knowing. I cried for my aunt, who may not remember me one day, and I would lose her too. And finally, finally, I cried for Trevor, for my relationship, my island of sanity. I had loved Trevor so much and so fiercely. He had become so embedded into my family that I thought he was it for me,
the one
,
and for him to just break up with me so easily on top of everything that I had been through was just icing on the preverbal fucking cake.

I lay curled up in that ball crying until I couldn’t cry anymore.

My phone buzzed with text messages, then phone calls several times, but I didn’t answer them. They weren’t from Aria or Opal, so it didn’t matter.

The morning sky turned to afternoon and still I lay there. I couldn’t move. If I moved, more shit would happen to me, the world would find something else to throw my way. So I lay there.
 

The afternoon sky turned to dusk, and I heard the front door open and close. Aria was home, and I knew she would come looking for me, knowing she saw my car. Sure enough, ten minutes later the door opened and her head popped in.

“There you are. Why are you in here?”

I didn’t answer.

“Are you sleeping?”

I was glad my back was to the door. I pretended to be asleep.

“Dacey?”

She stood there for a few more minutes, then closed the door quietly so as not to wake me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not right now, not for a long while.

The dusk sky turned to evening, and there was a soft knock and Aria stuck her head in again, saying softly that Trevor was here and wanted to come in.

“Did something happen, Dacey?” Her voice wavered.

She must have seen me tense by the sound of his name that first said I wasn’t asleep and second that I didn’t want him here.

I didn’t have a chance to reply because he came in the room and asked Aria to give us some privacy.

She didn’t know, so she closed the door and left.

“Dacey, why haven’t you answered my text or calls? I’ve been worried.”

 
I cleared my throat. “I think you gave up that right this morning.”

I still had my back turned to him, and he didn’t make an effort to face me. A large part of me thought he might be here to tell me that he’d had all day to think this through and he had made a mistake and he was stupid and would I please take him back. It was what I was silently wishing for, because the world couldn’t shit on me
this
much in three months, could it? He wasn’t this mean, was he?

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay, and I want to finish our talk.”

“I’m alive, and talk.” I avoided using the word “okay” because I was far from okay.

“Look, it’s cheesy as fuck to use this, but I swear it’s true. Don’t think it was something you did. It was me,” he said.

“Really? Said every lame-ass movie ever? Be more original.”

“No, I don’t mean it like that. Shit, I’m not explaining myself right. What I have to say is going to sound bad, but hear me out? Please.” He came over and sat in Mom’s old reading chair, which put him directly in front of me. “I had this picture in my head of what I thought I needed to be happy and I how I would know I was in love, but I had the best girl and the perfect job and I still wasn’t happy, and I don’t think I was in love. I don’t think I was in love because I don’t truly understand what love is. I never grew up with it like you did. You had both a mom and a dad to show you what it’s like. I never had that, and my mom didn’t date men, at least not in front of me, so I have nothing to base it off of. All I know is sex, and sex isn’t love. I have feelings for you, and I care a great deal for you, but I don’t know if I ever was
in love
with you. And until I can figure that out, I don’t think we should be together.”

If I had any more tears left in me, I would have cried. What he said shattered me. It broke a hole into my chest and dug out my heart. I was wrong, the world
could
shit on me
this
much. And it had.

“Dacey, say something.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. You just told me that after almost two years of being with me, you—the man I love, the man I have given my heart and body to—have never been in love with me? There’s kinda no word for that, Trevor,” I said sadly.

“I am sorry, I never meant to hur—”

“You don’t have to do that. Just go,” I cut him off.