Everything But (35 page)

“I could tell you stories.  But thing is, Erin, if you really
are
someone who doesn’t really give a
shit
, then you’re one of the best actresses I’ve ever met.”

C
hapter Thirty-six

WHAT THE
FUCK
was wrong with him?  Riley was searching his brain for answers all while searching his soul for meaning and searching Erin’s eyes for the truth.  She was the real deal.  That much he knew for certain.  He had no doubts.

And when was the last time he’d felt this certain about someone?  Had he felt that way about Marla?  He couldn’t remember.  He’d been in an alcoholic, drug-addled haze, and he had no recollection if any alarms had gone off in his head.  But the thought made him keep talking.  He sat back and said, “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, but…there was this girl. 
I dated her for a couple of years.  It was at the height of Spawn fame.
”  He shook his head.
 
“
We were in deep.  One day melted into the next
,
and there are weeks that I just don’t remember or that are black or fuzzy I was so wasted.  But this girl…she was
our band
manager.  She wasn’t particularly hot, but she wasn’t ugly either.
 
And s
he wasn’t particularly nice or funny
even
—she didn’t have any qualities that would normally attract me to a girl.
 
But o
ne night after a show
,
she just threw herself at me and
, after that,
attached herself to me.  I guess I thought it was a mutual decision.
  Anyway…she kind of used my naïveté against me. 
Long story short, she used my infatuation to sway me into backing some of her poor decisions.  And I was so
fuckin
’ blind, I couldn’t even see…”  He shook his head.  Was he really
gonna
go there?  Well, he wasn’t divulging
all
the details; he was just giving her the short and sweet version, and that was good enough.  “Anyway…she was fucking around on me.”  He shook his head.  “And that was that.  That was a wake-up call for me.  Hell, for the whole band, really.  We realized we were pissing our lives away on drugs, parties, women…”  He couldn’t look Erin in the eyes, but for some reason, he wanted to keep talking.  He trusted her and wanted to share with her.  “And so I cleaned up for a little while, but it didn’t take.  I had to hit bottom again.  I almost died the second time. 
I o
verdose
d
.  That’s when I quit for good.”

Erin touched his knee again.  God, he loved that.  It was such a sweet, innocent gesture.  “I didn’t know you almost died.”

“Yeah.
  It wasn’t the first time I’d OD’d on H, but I’d never been that close to death.”  He forced himself to look her in the eyes again.  “But I didn’t mean to get all depressing.  Let’s talk about something else.”

A small smile formed on Erin’s mouth.  She looked almost shy.  “Don’t feel bad, Riley.  It’s okay to talk about stuff like that.”

“Yeah, but it’s in the past, and I want it to stay there.”
  He was proud of himself for not ranting and raving about Marla.  He’d kept it
at the surface level.  The bitch had burned him. 
Fine.
  Let’s move on.

“I know, Riley, but our past shapes our present.”

He took in a deep breath and let her words wash over him.  It was a simple sentiment and yet so profound.  “Well, yeah…you’re right there.”  Absolutely she was.  He wouldn’t be so jaded and guarded if it hadn’t been for Marla.  And yet, somehow, he and Erin had moved past that barrier.  They were in new territory, a place Riley probably hadn’t been since right after high school.  It was kind of scary but exhilarating and liberating.

And after he’d processed her words, he said, “Okay, then.  Tell me how
your
past has shaped your present.”

Erin grinned.  Riley figured she probably didn’t like having her own words used against her.  Who did?  But, like always, she was a good sport.  “Well, like you, I’ve had some shitty relationships, but
also
like you, I don’t want to talk about them.  Let’s just say the last two guys I dated made me decide celibacy wasn’t such a bad idea.”

Riley took a deep bre
ath as her words hit him.  H
e figured he was reading way too much into it, so he wanted to keep it light.  “Guess I got lucky you changed your mind.”

She still had a smile on her face and she grabbed the bowl
still sitting on
the bed and
moved it to
the nightstand.  Then she grabbed Riley’s hand with both her smaller ones.  She didn’t look him in the eyes, instead focusing her gaze on his hand.  “It’s kind of sad that two shitty guys would make me give up on the notion of…”  She fluttered her eyes.  He knew she was stopping herself from saying the dreaded
l word
.  He wasn’t going to press the issue, but just her saying it let him know she was thinking it.  So was she thinking
love
about Riley or just in general?  He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, because if it was just in the general sense, well…that would hurt.  He’d be happy that he’d brought her back to believing in something beautiful but with the way he was feeling, it would be a damn shame if
she wasn’t feeling the same way he’d been.

* * *

It was nice waking up with Erin in his arms. 
They’d made love again last night and it was slow and sensual.  His goal had been making her feel what he was feeling:  something deep, unexpected,
and all wrapped up in some kind of warm emotional cocoon. 
In spite of the crazy week they’d had, he felt like they’d come to some sort of understanding.

The morning was ultimately a blur, because Riley almost felt as though he were an impartial observer looking in, hovering over them in the clouds.  Or maybe it was a defense mechanism.  Maybe he wasn’t feeling elated and in love; instead, maybe he was feeling like the rug could be pulled out from underneath him at any time and he had to guard himself.  Whatever the case, he registered that she rolled over and snuggled up against his chest, just underneath his chin, and traced the outline of one of the tattoos on his arm while they talked about the day.  When they got up, she made a pot of coffee and jumped in the shower where he joined her and persuaded her to have just a little fun before running off to work.  And he left when she did, kissing her in a passionate embrace before walking out her apartment door to their cars.  As he backed his car out, he thought he saw the curtain in the window of apartment A-3 pull open.

God…just a week ago, he’d been waking up and enjoying one of his mother’s expert breakfasts.
And where the hell was all that shit with his parents
going? 
He didn’t know that he wanted
to have it out with them
, but he knew he’d have to.  His dad had Fridays off from work, so why not
now
?  So Riley, resolve intact, went to his hotel and changed clothes, then ate a gigantic breakfast and drank more coffee from the local Denny’s, and finally headed over to his parents’ house.

On the drive there, he kept hoping against hope that some cooling off time had allowed his parents some perspective.  For his part, Riley had cooled off too and could admit a couple of things.  First off, the jealousy of his brother was perhaps unwarranted.  He’d heard all his life that the oldest kid gets more attention.  It didn’t mean that child was loved
more
.  He was just a new thing and new things got the attention.  By the time Riley arrived on the scene, babies were old hat.  He didn’t do anything special that his brother hadn’t already done, and he certainly couldn’t have done it more spectacularly.

Fuck…Riley realized something about himself just then that he’d never known before, but it made perfect sense.  The jealousy he felt had fueled his rebellious nature.  Since he’d never be able to do anything better than Brian, why try?  Why not instead do the opposite?  Piss off the
parents.  Make them nervous.  Make them angry.  At least those emotions belonged exclusively to him, not Brian.

Man, that
was fucked up.  But it was what it was.  And that’s not all Riley came to realize.  He knew he loved his parents, but he’d always resented the fact that his dad seemed to ride his ass constantly, even as an adult.  Well, he thought he could understand too why his father was concerned about his reputation.  Reputation was everything
to them
and Riley had tarnished his parents’.
  Maybe he could apologize for being a shithead, but he wasn’t going to apologize for who he was.  He was going to continue making music because that was what he loved doing.  If they wanted to disown him for it, so be it.

He bought a bouquet of flowers as a peace offering of sorts and kept reminding himself to be respectful.  When he got to his parents’ house, he rang the doorbell and then let himself in.  “It’s me, Riley,” he shouted as he closed the door behind him.

He could smell the remnants of sausage and maple syrup in the air as he approached the kitchen.  Oh, coffee too. He could go another cup but he wanted to feel out the room first.
  His dad was already looking up from the
news
paper.  When Riley walked into the room, he said, “Well, well, well…look what the cat dragged in.”

Riley bit his tongue.  Let his dad get in a dig or two.  Riley knew he probably had it coming. 
Fine.
  And he also knew that he probably should tuck his tail between his legs and apologize.  He took a deep breath and asked, “Can the three of us talk?”

His father cleared his throat.  “I believe we were trying to do that the other night when you stormed out of here.”

Jesus…the guy just couldn’t stop, could he?  Riley had to do this
, though
…he had to stick with it.  “I needed to clear my head.”

“For
days
?”

“Yes, for days.”  He pulled out a chair and his mother walked over from the stove where she’d been standing, silent and trying not to call attention to
herself
.  “Anyway, I guess the first thing I should do is apologize.”  But not, likely, for something his father wanted him to.  “I had marijuana in your house without your permission, and I’m sorry.  No matter what my own personal feelings are about it, I need to respect your rules and your house, and I apologize for that.  I won’t do it again.”  Riley wouldn’t mention that he’d probably never spend the night there again either, but that was beside the point.

His father’s eyes r
arely gave away anything, but R
iley actually thought he saw a bit of a twinkle in them.  Was he accepting Riley’s apology or
instead
loading both barrels, preparing to let Riley have it on an epic level?

His dad looked over at his mother and nodded.  “We accept your apology, son.  Thank you.  But our bigger issue, as you’ll recall, was that you were dating that English teacher.”

“Erin Lancaster,” his mother offered.

“You don’t plan to continue seeing her, do you, son?”

“I don’t really know what my plans for the future are, dad, but I know I care about Erin very much.”  Riley already knew after his conversation with his mother earlier in the week that she wouldn’t understand why or how his feelings had become so intense.  But he didn’t care.  They needed to know he wasn’t going to back down from this one.

But what he
’d
said was all it took for his mother to join the conversation.  “You hardly know her, Riley.  How can you care about her ‘very much’?  That doesn’t make sense.”

“We have a lot in common.”

His dad jumped back in. 
“Really?
  Were you able to talk about schools you both attended?  Discuss what you both enjoy about Shakespearean sonnets?  I’d guess the only thing you two have in common is that her students are your biggest fans.”

Riley felt himself slipping into defensive mode and he felt like he was fifteen again, but he also felt powerless to stop it.  “That’s not true.  Erin’s a fan too.”

His father looked across the table at Marjorie.  “That girl’s not much older than the kids she’s teaching, is she?”

Riley said, “She’s twenty-five.”

His father’s voice was low when he said, “Not even tenured.”

Riley felt his brow furrow but he said nothing.  Something wasn’t right here
,
and now he felt almost like he’d walked into a trap.  He knew that whatever his parents said next was not going to be pretty…in fact, it was bound to be the ugliest thing he’d heard since coming back to Winchester.

Chapter Thirty-seven

ERIN SMILED AS
her second-period students left her classroom.  Her third period was her planning time, but the principal had called her earlier that morning and asked if she could meet him for part of that time.  She spent a couple of minutes organizing the stacks of papers she wanted to grade at her earliest convenience while she waited for the crowds of kids in the halls to thin as they made their way to their next classes.