Everything I've Never Had (14 page)

“I’ve never liked him. Now I know why,” he says sagely. “I was about to come after him, Mom, but I saw that you had him under control.” I wince as I imagine him “coming after” William. That would have been bad.

“I’m so sorry that you had to see that. Please know that it will never happen again. I promise to only surround us with good people.”

He chews on that for a moment. “Adrian would never treat you that way either.”

My heart does flips as I hear him say this. He loves Adrian so much, and he’s such a good influence on him. “You’re a good judge of character, sweetheart. Adrian wouldn’t treat me that way either.”

I give Archer a kiss and bring him back to his room and tuck him in. I make my way through the house, turning off all the lights, double-checking all the locks, all the while feeling something building inside me. It’s ugly and scary and reminds me of the Devil himself. I’m terrified by what I feel right now, and I can’t even put a name on this emotion.

Easing myself into the shower, I begin to wash the extraordinarily long day away. What a naïve little fool I am, thinking I could have a little something for myself, whether it be Bradford or Adrian. What was I thinking?

Closing my eyes, I feel my tears mix with the water that cascades over my face. Thinking back to that scared little girl in that dark closet who was forced to help a depraved young man masturbate, I turn my face up to the water and bite my lip hard as whimpers start to bubble from me. I open my mouth to release them but all that erupts is a silent scream. Bending over, I start gagging. I grasp my abdomen as the contents of my stomach swirl around the drain. I close my eyes and purge myself. Finally, I succumb to all that I’m feeling and I’m on my hands and knees, heaving and crying and praying.

STANDING AT THE island, I roll my eyes as my mother asks me yet another invasive question about Bradford. Popping another piece of cheese into my mouth, I grant myself a reprieve from answering her. Just being around her causes me to regress about twenty years.

“Celeste, dear, you’ve had enough cheese for now, don’t you think?”

I roll my eyes again. When I’m finished reacting like a moody teenager, my eyes fall on Bonnie and Farah. Their reactions are so different it’s priceless. Bonnie is mocking my mom by pulling her skin taunt and narrowing her eyes at me. Farah’s eyes fly down to the most interesting head of lettuce she’s ever shredded. I laugh aloud at all of our ridiculousness. How a parent can instantly take away your adulthood and make you feel as small as a child is beyond me. I hope I never have this effect on my kids.

My mother spins from her place beside Maureen and cuts a look at all of us. “I don’t see anything funny about watching your figure. I don’t weigh anymore today than I did when I was in college.”

This elicits a whole new round of laughter from Bonnie and me. Farah is still too young to be irreverent. “Mother, no one should weigh what they weighed in her twenties. I was a stick then. I quite like my curves, thank you very much.” I punctuate that by popping another piece of cheese into my mouth and humming, “Mmm…”

“Really, girls,” she chastises. “And you never did answer my questions,” she reminds me. “Maureen, make sure to slice those cucumbers real thin, now. Celeste, Bradford?”

“Yes, Ms. Claire,” she says as she exchanges a knowing look with me. I love that woman. She may be my parents’ live in housekeeper, but she’d been there for me more than my mother ever had.

“Bradford went to law school at Ole Miss. He practices entertainment law and does quite well. He’s never been married and is thirty-five,” I spit out.

“Ole Miss,” she replies with contempt. “Are you two serious?” she asks. I roll my eyes again.
Let’s focus on the fact that he went to a rival college, shall we?

“They haven’t even kissed,” Bonnie offers.

“Thanks, Bon,” I say sarcastically.

“Why haven’t you kissed?” Farah asks. “He obviously likes you. Do you not feel the same?”

I busy myself with taking Adrian’s ranch out of the refrigerator. I can’t believe my mother hadn’t thrown it out. It was a good question. One I, unfortunately, didn’t have the answer to. I couldn’t tell them that when I was with Bradford I felt like I was cheating on Adrian. How could you cheat on someone you couldn’t be with? “We’re taking it slow,” I reply. “That’s why he drove out with Louis, and we’re kind of keeping our distance. I want the boys to get to know him on a non-threatening level for a bit before I introduce him as someone I am dating.”

“I think that’s wise,” Farah says. Bonnie knowingly cuts her eyes at me.

“Well, in my day, there was none of this sneaking around and taking time sort of thing. You were either together or you weren’t,” my mother says.

“We’re not sneaking around, Mother. And it’s different. I have young, impressionable children depending on me. I have to be careful.”

“Dear, I know it may seem strange because Tripp and he are brothers, but have you considered William?” My movements freeze upon hearing William’s name. He was out there somewhere today on this very property. It’s part of the reason I didn’t want to be here. But it was our annual Labor Day celebration, so I felt obligated to attend. Slowly, my eyes search out Bonnie’s and she gives me a sympathetic smile. “Celeste?” My mother prompts. It had been three days, and I still hadn’t told Bonnie about William’s latest endeavors to win me over. I was so embarrassed. “I mean who better to rear Tripp’s children than his own brother?” My eyes shoot over to my mother’s, and I see eyes that mirror mine in color and shape. I could only pray that that look had never been exuded from mine—cold, calculating, shrewd, manipulative.

“Mother—” I’m cut off by the boys excited voices heading this way. “I don’t want to talk about him, Mother, not now, not ever. Do you understand?”

My mother gives a jaded, little laugh. “Really, Celeste, that was—”

“I mean it, Mother. Don’t.”

About that time, the boys reach the kitchen; and I’m distracted by Adrian removing a clinging Paris from his back. I give him a relieved smile that is short-lived when a fast-moving Finn barrels into my shin. I cry out in sheer pain as my recent injury throbs with a beating pulse. I spin toward the windows and stare out unseeing, trying desperately to control the pain coursing through my leg, the tears in my eyes, and the perspiration that has gathered on my forehead.

Maureen is at my elbow in a second. “Celeste, you all right, sweetie?” I just nod.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Finn apologizes and rubs my back soothingly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t hit you that hard, did I?”

I pinch my lips together. I want to assure him that I’m OK, but I’m not and know if I open my mouth I may start sobbing. So I take a deep breath, nod my head at him, and turn to take him in, but as I do, Archer’s terrified expression catches me off guard, and a furious one from Adrian soon distracts me from Archer. Adrian slowly leans up from his folded stance over Archer. His gaze never leaves mine. And I know. I know that Archer has divulged our little secret. One that I hadn’t asked him to keep but had hoped that he would.

Shaking my head at Adrian, I start to move toward him only to have him backing away from me. If I weren’t a stronger woman, I would have disintegrated into a pile of ash with his scorching look. He isn’t moving fast, so I don’t either. I just follow him out of the room, but when I hit the hallway, he is gone. I hear the side door slam, so I take off after him.

As I hit the top step, I see him disappear into the barn. Launching myself down the steps, I wince with every jarring step; but I have to get to him. I sprint across the yard slinging the barn door open as I reach it. Wanting to maintain some privacy, I quickly close it behind me.

Breathing hard and frozen in the middle of room, Adrian has his arms extended from his sides, but his eyes are frantically searching the room like he’s looking to exact more destruction. My eyes follow his to the disarray of shovels and axes and barrels and pitchforks. I’m impressed. He was able to do quite a bit of damage in the short time it took me to get over here.

“Don’t come near me,” he says, his voice dripping with anger. Those eyes dark and troubled as an angry ocean train themselves somewhere over my head.

“Adrian, I don’t know what Archer—”

“He told me that William hurt you and that you told him William was not a nice person who’d be very sorry for what he did to you. But we both know that is bullshit. William will never be sorry for what he did on his own…but he will be sorry, Cel. That bastard will be very sorry,” he promises. His eyes finally focus on me, and I see understanding there. However, his menacing tone and his scathing look have me shivering.

Being across the room from him is killing me. Without further hesitation, I launch myself at him. I hit him with such velocity he takes a step back to regain his footing. Wrapping me tightly in his strong arms, he drops his face and buries it in my hair. Breathing me in deeply, I feel him shudder under me; and I just hold on with everything I’ve got. I don’t know how long we stand there. Me comforting him. Him comforting me. Finally, he pulls back, his gaze still seething, he asks me the one thing I’d hoped he wouldn’t.

“What exactly did he do to you? And don’t you dare think of lying to me and covering for him.”

Nodding my head at him, I look up at what exists beyond the ceiling and pray that what I’m about to tell him won’t forever mar his opinion of me. Meeting his stare once again, I tell him without hesitation and without embellishment exactly what happened. I’m surprised I’m able to finish, for his arms tighten with every single, damning word I speak until I am breathless with my final words.

His telling eyes have gone distant, and I know he is plotting vengeance. “Adrian, I handled it. Do you hear me? I hurt him. I bit his lip all the way through and hurt his…manhood. Do you understand? I took care of it.”

Gazing out over my head again, he nods and releases his grasp on me a little. One hand comes back to smooth my wild hair down and behind my ear. His eyes focus on his actions. I savor the feel of his hand fisting itself in my hair. “I understand,” he assures me. Finally, he brings his deceitfully tranquil eyes back to mine. “But I’m gonna fucking beat the shit of him. Do you understand that?” he asks as he narrows his eyes.

I sag with defeat. This is what I’d hoped to avoid. He releases me and calmly begins to right everything he had, just moments ago, thrown into disarray. His calm authority freaks me out more than his angry outburst. If that’s what he’d decided while he was calm, then that would, in all likelihood, be what he’d go with.

“Adrian, don’t you think that would make an already bad situation worse? I mean, when he left my house, he was very clear about where he stands with me. He’s not going to approach me again.”

He doesn’t answer me as he replaces the equipment to its proper place. Placing both of his hands on the wall around the tools, he stands there and breathes for a few minutes. I wait patiently for my logic to sink in. Finally, he turns and his eyes take me in from head to toe and back again until he meets my eyes. Ever so slowly, he strides toward me until he’s just a hair’s breadth from my face. I lick my lips and force my eyes to stay on his. He puts his hands on either side of my face and I brace.