Everything I've Never Had (18 page)

My body moves and sways with his and my hands find their way around his neck as I hold him to me. When I feel his hands move toward my center, my eyes fly open; but they are unseeing as I would give anything if we were alone and not in this crowd.

“Adrian, I want to...”

“What, baby? What do you want? Whatever it is…whatever you want. I’ll get rid of Jennifer and Bradford. Is that what you want?”

I can’t speak as his tongue plays behind my ear and he runs little kisses up and down my neck, moaning and groaning as he goes. “These pants, babe. All I could think the whole show was how I wanted to rip these things off with my teeth. Fuck me,” he grinds out against my skin. And that’s exactly what I want. I whimper. “I’m gonna turn those whimpers into screams. Do you hear me, Celeste? You’ll be screaming my name.”

“Adrian, I…I want you, please.” He removes his hands from my thighs and grasps my hands tight. I feel him being jostled into me a bit. Then I hear him being slapped on the back.

“Adrian, dude, that was a great show,” says Louis. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, willing Louis away. I feel Adrian tense and I bury my face into his side and try, unsuccessfully, to melt into the wall. “Aw, man, sorry,” he says when he discovers Adrian is not alone. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

He moves around us to give us our privacy, and I think I’m in the clear until I hear his muttered curse. Then louder he says, “Man, what are you thinking?” Mortified, I finally chance a glance at him. He’s gone pale. “Celeste, how long has this been going on?”

I feel like a teenager getting caught making out by her parents, and I want to die. I try to speak but nothing comes out. I clear my throat. “Louis, nothing is going on. There were just…just a few stolen moments.”

“You two are insane. Adrian, I think you were pretty clear on where they stood. If they find out—”

“I know, I know,” Adrian says, cutting him off. “It was a mistake. I got caught up. It won’t happen again.” I swear I can feel his temperature and his voice drop by ten degrees.

“Look, y’all get this shit straightened out. I’m going to go talk to Bradford. Damn, Celeste. Bradford doesn’t deserve this.”

I can only nod. Louis stomps off, leaving me with Adrian. I turn and dash down the hall with Adrian close on my heels. He grabs my hand and pulls me into a smaller hallway, and we stand there and stare at each other for a few beats until it empties out.

“I thought we’d agreed. Your girlfriend and my…boyfriend are out there. Why did you do that?”

“I know. Shit, I’m sorry. Why the hell are you wearing that damn outfit? And you wouldn’t look at me. What the hell was that about? The whole time I was playing I was watching you. Watching you dance with him, rub on him. And it killed me. And there isn’t shit I can do about it. Then I walk out, determined to ignore you, and there you are shaking your ass in those non-existent pants.”

My blood is boiling. He’s made it out like I purposefully set about to seduce him with my choice of clothing and dancing.
Did I?
No, I dress for myself. I like this outfit and didn’t think of him once when I chose it. “I didn’t wear this for you, Adrian. I wore it for me. I can’t help if you can’t keep your imagination and your hands to yourself.”

“Did you wear it for him or me or both of us? Are you done teasing the two of us? Toying with us?”

“What? I’m not toying with you.” And I’m not. That indicates pre-meditation. And these feelings are not pre-meditated. They just are. “I’d made a decision tonight. A final one. I’d decided that I was done having ‘moments’ with you. I’m done lusting after you, wanting you. And then you…you ruined all that with one touch. You have to stop! I can’t do this anymore! You’re killing me!”

“
I’m
killing
you
?” He pauses while he tries to catch his breath, and I can see him collecting his thoughts. He’s breathing hard like he’s just climbed the stairs to the Eiffel Tower. Completely worth it, completely exhilarating, completely energy zapping. But something once you’ve done it, you know you’ll never do it again. Would it be that way with us? A one time thrill to be had and remembered with fondness because you’d probably never have it again. “I’m…hear me when I say this...please. Why are we killing each other? We’re grown ass people. Do you know how many times, how many ways I’ve tried to come up with for us to be together? What if we say fuck them and be together?”

The roller coaster that my heart was on comes to a screeching halt. Isn’t this what I wanted? Adrian saying screw the consequences? Let’s be honest about how we feel and be together. Then I recall the scary enlightening conversation I had with Mr. OG today. Whatever they’re holding over him must be big. They don’t want us together. And they’ll stop at nothing to ruin both of us, right? Hot tears spill over my lashes and I watch as they hit the cold, gray concrete beneath my feet. I raise my eyes to his, and I see his own tears mirroring mine. It took a lot for him to say what he just said to me. I can see that. I can also see
them
tearing him apart, and I whimper aloud at that thought. I can’t let that happen. I can’t be that selfish. God knows I want to. A little run of pleasure isn’t worth the destruction it will surely inflict. I draw myself up, wipe my tears away, and meet his expression head on.

“Adrian, I may be physically drawn to you, but it’s not worth hurting everyone I care about for a little physical pleasure.” I steel myself and conjure my inner bitch that I pray I inherited from my mother. “And I’ve decided that I’m over you.”

The rapidness with which his tears dry should’ve been my first clue to run, but I don’t listen to my instincts and the ugliness that Adrian spews at me I know I deserve, but it’s still hard as hell to take. “Over me? You’re over me? You’re physically attracted to me? And I’m not worth it?”
Oh my God, no! I’m in love with you, damn it!
He sneers a laugh at me. “Over me? To be over me, babe, you’d have to have been under me. And if you’d ever been under me, there’d be
no
getting over me.” He takes a long stride and his arms come up to pin me in. “You are fucking chicken. You care about me, but you’re not a big enough person to do anything about it. Either that or you’re the biggest cock tease in existence. So which is it, Celeste? Which offense are you guilty of?”

“What do they have on you, Adrian? You tell me. What did Louis mean by ‘they’ don’t want us together? What offense are
you
guilty of?” I shout my questions back at him so that I’m mere centimeters from his face when I’m done. I feel like I’ve just swallowed ten thousand razorblades and they’re slicing up my insides as they make their way through my body. I hurt everywhere, and all I want do is curl up in his arms because I know he could make all that go away. I’m hurting myself and him, yet I can’t do anything about it. I want to touch him, but I know I have to be stronger than that.

And at that precise moment of my almost faltering, I thank God for a crowded club and good friends. “Umm…Celeste, are you OK?” It’s Farah and I’m so grateful I could kiss her. I turn my head and say, “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be even better when Adrian lets me go.”

Taking a deep breath, Adrian throws his arms out dramatically. “Oh, I’ll let you go. No problem.” I stifle another sob and feel yet another razorblade slice, and it cuts deep.

“What’s going on here?” Farah asks incredulously.

“Nothing,” I say, “absolutely nothing. We’re done here.”

“I thought you two were friends. Why are you yelling at each other? You both look like you’ve been crying too.”

“I found out what Adrian’s been up to is all. And I’ve asked him to keep his distance,” I lie. Well, I guess now I have asked him to keep his distance.

His jaw clenches as he watches me walk away, leaving him with Farah and my shredded heart.

When I exit the hall, I grab the wall and bend over, clutching my stomach and fighting back tears. I need to get it together.

If only I’d made it further. I can’t move when I hear Farah say, “Adrian, what was happening between you two?” Adrian only grunts in reply. “You have to know that Celeste loves you, right? I know it may seem like I don’t know much because I don’t say much, but I know that. I’m an observer so to speak. And what I’ve observed is that you love each other and care about each other deeply. She’s just scared, but you can’t give up on her.” My eyes almost bug out of my head. How in the world does she know all that? My quiet Farah.

He exhales deeply. “Farah, you’re a nice girl. So I don’t want to offend you in any way at all, but if I loved Celeste I’d be a dead man ‘cause she’d chew me and spit me out with gusto. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that Celeste is my cross to bear. We all have them. Mine is just weighing heavily on me right now. But I’ll get it figured out—”

I don’t stick around to hear anymore. I can’t take any more heartache or heartbreak tonight. I stumble to the now empty restroom since the main act has made their way to the stage. I take a few minutes, fortifying my walls both mentally and physically. I fix my make-up and my hair and take calming breaths. Taking one last look at myself, I decide that that was the one and only time Adrian Hebert, or any man for that matter, would make me hurt like that.

THE RIDE HOME is quiet. Bradford keeps trying to engage me in conversation, and like Teflon, it all just beads up and trickles off on impact. I just can’t do it. And it’s not fair to him nor is it fair to me. When he pulls in my driveway, I take a deep breath, unbuckle my seatbelt, and turn toward him as he turns to face me. He’s so handsome and wonderful. I’m an awful person. But I’m about to fix that on one point.

“I don’t like the way you’re looking at me, Celeste. And I don’t understand where things went wrong. One minute we’re dancing and kissing and enjoying each other. The next I couldn’t even put my hand on your back without getting freezer burn. So what gives?”

“Bradford, you are such a nice guy.” He groans and I hear his head
thonk
as he dramatically drops his head on the window glass. “But I’m feeling very conflicted and overwhelmed right now.”

He surprises me by grabbing my hand and kissing my knuckles. “Well, that’s not exactly a break up, is it? Are you saying you don’t want to see me or you don’t want to see anyone?”

“I can’t see anyone yet. I’m not ready.”

“This may seem crazy to you since we haven’t know each other long, but I’ll wait, Celeste. I’ll wait till you’re ready.”

Again, why can I not get on board with this sweet guy? “I can’t ask you to do that, Bradford.”

“Celeste, you’re the first person I’ve been interested in, much less cared about, in years. You’re not asking me to do anything. If you’re interested in me the way I am you, I’ll give you some space.”

I nod my head. He’s perfect for me. He’s everything I should want. And on some level I do, but if there are a hundred levels of interest, Adrian’s volcanic effect has overflowed onto all my levels so that Bradford is hanging on around fifty. And pursuing this while I’m so conflicted and indecisive wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Maybe I do just need time to get Adrian out of my head.

Nodding my head, I say, “If you’re willing to give me a little time and space, I’ll be in touch when I’m ready to date. But if you meet someone else, I don’t want you holding out for me.”

He laughs loudly like that’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, grabs me by the back of my head, and kisses me hard. And I do get lost for a second. When I realize I’m losing myself, I pull back gently.

“See? It’s there. You just have to be open to it. I know you feel it too.”

I give him a half-grin, let myself out of his car before he can move, and walk quickly to my porch. Turning, I give him a smile and a wave. Time and distance…I hope that’s all I need.