Everything I've Never Had (20 page)

Raising my hand to let myself into Bonnie’s, I’m surprised when the door is wrenched open from the other side and a furious Garner almost barrels over me. “Whoa, Garner, are you OK?”

He runs his hand over the top of his mohawk and pins me with his bright green eyes. He puts his hands on his hips for a moment before beginning to gesticulate wildly. “Your friend is a lunatic. I can’t talk to her. She’s just...just crazy. What is wrong with her? I’m dying to know. I didn’t break her, yet I’m paying for whoever did. Is that fair? Is that right? Damn, I’ve been patient but this is ridiculous. It’s been months, Celeste, months. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take.”

I blink rapidly, trying to process all he’s just said. I’ve never heard him speak so much before and certainly nothing more than a few pleasantries and a few inappropriate comments about what he wanted to do to my best friend. Before I can formulate a response, he’s folding himself into his bright red Camaro and taking off.

Wondering what mess I’m about to walk in to, I gingerly enter the kitchen to find Bonnie calmly preparing snacks for tonight. “Hey, Bon. What’s up?”

“Just dumping all this store bought crap into serving dishes so that you’d think I made all this. I guess I wasn’t quick enough,” she says with a shrug. To anyone else, this would all seem and sound perfectly normal. Me, I can see the tightness around her eyes and hear the hurt in her tone.

“Bonnie, what happened with you and Garner?”

“Oh, the usual.” She waves an impatient hand through the air.

“And that would be?”

“You know...wants to introduce me as his ‘girlfriend,’ let everyone know I’m his, introduce me to his parents.” She sneers the word “parents” like it’s the most offensive word in the English language.

“What a jerk!” I exclaim sarcastically.

“I know, right? I keep reminding him we’re having fun, and he keeps trying to spoil it.”

About that time, I hear a timid knock and Farah calling out to us.

“We’re in here, Farah. Come on in!”

Farah rounds the corner taking in our expressions. “What’s wrong?”

“Men suck,” Bonnie explains.

“Ah...” is all Farah says because she is married to a gem of a man.

“Don’t start with me Farah. You married perfection,” Bonnie snaps, pointing a chicken salad-covered spoon at Farah.

“Hey, just because I married perfection, doesn’t mean I don’t know heartache. I know heartache,” Farah snaps back.

“OK! Whoa! Bonnie don’t snap at Farah because you don’t want to admit you have feelings for Garner. And Farah cut Bonnie a little slack. She’s in love with Garner and wants to have his little rocker mini-me and can’t admit it.”

I hear Bonnie gasp when I call her out on her true feelings for Garner, but when I say she wants to have his baby, I hear her slap her hand over her mouth. When I turn back to Bonnie, her eyes are wide and she is shaking her head.

“Yes, you do, sweetie. Nothing has ever been clearer to me than that. And I’ve known you forever.”

Farah backs me up. “I haven’t known you forever, but I see it too, Bon.”

Tears quickly fill Bonnie’s eyes and she dashes them away. “I...I know,” she says as her voice breaks.

Farah and I both round the bar and surround her in a group hug. I feel Bonnie’s shoulders shaking. “It’s going to be all right, Bon. We’ll get through this.”

After we have our little moment, Bonnie piles up all the snacks that are still in their original containers on a tray; and I make my famous cosmos. Farah turns on some music and spreads a bunch of square pillows around the coffee table for us to pile around. We laugh and chat and ignore all the heartache in the room while we eat our fill of take-out and, Bonnie and I drink our way through two pitchers of tart deliciousness.

Farah finally braves the topic of Bonnie’s relationship hang-ups. I’m incredibly proud of her because Bonnie can be a little scary when cornered. “Bonnie, I don’t understand why you’re holding back with Garner. He’s crazy about you, and he’s a good guy. A little rough around the edges but, ultimately, a good guy. Don’t you care about him enough to admit this to him?”

Tilting her head back a little and losing her balance a little in the process, Bonnie says, “Of course, I care about him. I don’t want to hurt him, but I honestly only want to have some fun. I can say with absolute certainty that I have no desire to get involved in a serious relationship. And not just now but ever.” Her gaze shoots forward to pin both of us. “I know what y’all are thinking, but I’m serious. I’d rather end things with Garner now than end up like that.”

“But why?” Farah asks with pure wonder.

“Farah, I was married to a man who didn’t love me.”

“Bonnie—” I start.

“No, Celeste. He didn’t. He didn’t love me, he didn’t respect me, and he didn’t care if I knew or didn’t know that. He had affairs right under my nose. Never caring how that made me feel or how that hurt me.”

“God, Bonnie. I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

“You tell me everything, Celeste. But I never told you the half of it,” she admits with a sigh.

“Why, Bonnie? You know you can talk to me.” It hurt that she hadn’t told me.

“I know that. But the worst of it went down when Tripp was dying, and I couldn’t burden you with that.” Taking a deep breath, she confesses, “I walked in on him once screwing his secretary. She was riding him in our bed, and he glanced over at me like he was annoyed with me. He just grasped her hips harder and continued all the while keeping his eyes on me. What did I ever do but love him and try to make him happy? Nothing and everything and all that lies between, that’s what.” She downs the rest of her drink with one gulp. Farah and I sit in stunned silence for a moment. I knew that they weren’t happy, but I’d had no idea it was that bad.

I pray that God gives me the words to help her because I have no idea what to say. “You do realize that that is a reflection on him and not you, Bonnie. Someone who would treat another person like that...it’s clear that he is an awful human being who was undeserving of your love and that you’re one of the most generous and deserving people I’ve ever known. And just because he was a selfish fool doesn’t mean that all men are.”

Farah chimes in with her two cents. “Yeah, and just because Matthew is a wonderful husband doesn’t mean we don’t have our share of problems. All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mother. I know that may not seem like a lofty aspiration these days. I know you two have careers. But I never wanted that. I always saw myself as a wife and a mother. And...” she pauses to take a steadying breath. “Matthew doesn’t want to have children. And it’s killing me, y’all. I love him so much and he’s so fantastic. But how do I move on from that? It’s huge. It’s everything.”

“Geez, Farah. Why doesn’t he want kids? I mean, does he never want children or does he just not want them right now? I don’t understand. Isn’t that something you would’ve talked about?” I ask her.

“Yes, we did. Of course, we did. He told me that he wanted them down the road. That he wanted me and his career to take priority early on our marriage. That he wanted me to be able to travel with him and support him without being divided by the responsibility of having children. I always thought this made sense and was the responsible thing to do. So I was fine with that. Well, last year, I started talking to him about the fact that I was getting older and that his career was stable and we should start trying.”

“And?” Bonnie prompts her.

Farah closes her eyes, blows out a deep breath, and reopens her eyes. “And he told me that he really liked the way our life is now. And that he was thinking of making a bid for senator. That was a year ago. He was hesitant, but not decided, so I waited him out a little. When I broached the conversation again, he was no longer hesitant but definite.” She looks down for a moment before sighing deeply and bringing her tear-filled eyes back to ours. “He told me that, under no circumstances, does he want children now. That he was a different person than when we first married.”

Bonnie and I exchange a troubled glance. If that had been her dream all of her life, to have children, how is she supposed to move past that? Can she move past that? “I don’t even know what to say, Farah. That’s a huge…point of contention. What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that as much as I adore my husband I can’t imagine going through this life without having what you have. I know you lost your husband and haven’t had it easy, and you’ve been a rock. But those children...they’re so precious and loving, and I can’t imagine not having that. I often ask myself why Matthew can’t be enough for me. Why can’t I just be with him since I love him so much and he’s so good to me? I don’t really have an answer for that other than I just can’t. I want to be a mother. I think it’s the greatest thing I’ll ever do as a human being. If I put all that aside and accept our relationship on his new terms, I’m afraid that down the road I’ll end up resenting him, and we’ll be over anyway.”

Bonnie clears her throat a little. “I’m sorry that I’ve been such a bitch to you lately about having the perfect husband and relationship. I was just jealous of what you had and felt like you couldn’t relate to what I was going through. I should’ve known better. We all have our own hurt, our own pain even if it’s not obvious to the world. You’ll make the right decision, Farah. You’re intuitive and caring and loving. You’ll make the right choice for yourself and for your family.”

“Thank you, Bonnie. You’re forgiven. You weren’t too horrible and I knew you were hurting.” Farah slaps her thighs, jerking me out of my little stupor of watching my best friends make up. “So two problems discussed. Now what are we going to do about Celeste’s problem?”

“Oh no,” I protest. “We’re not discussing me. I’m great. I’m fine.”

Farah rolls her eyes at me. “You’re not great. You’re not fine.”

“She’s in love with Adrian,” Bonnie declares. “And she can’t get over it.”

“And he’s in love with her,” Farah adds. “And he can’t get over it either.”

My mouth falls open. Snapping it back shut, I glare at them both for a few seconds. After everything they’ve just confessed, I owe it to them to be honest. “Y’all are right. I am in love with Adrian. Bad. We’re talking all-consuming, all-encompassing love with him. But there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.” Blowing out a deep breath, I continue, “But, Farah, you’re wrong. Adrian may want me and have some feelings for me, but he’s not in love with me.” At the shaking of her head, I reiterate, “No, he’s not. Lust is not love. Caring is not loving.”

Farah narrows her eyes at me and I visibly blanche. “Are you done? Because I happened to have had an extremely enlightening conversation with him. I know what I’m talking about, Celeste. Adrian loves you. Not familial, not obligatory love. I mean true blue love.”

“I heard what he said, Farah. I was eavesdropping in the hall. He said I was his cross to bear and that if he loved me he’d be dead because of my vicious nature. That’s not love, honey, that’s regret that borders on hatred because of feeling a little something like love.”

“Again, are you done?” she asks unperturbed. “Your eavesdropping skills need some work. You should have stuck around and heard our whole conversation. Because what he said after I called bullshit on those statements, would’ve changed your life.”

“What do you mean? Tell me then if it’s so life-changing.”

“I can’t. I swore to him that I wouldn’t. And I know you’re my best friend but his reasons for your not being privy to those thoughts were sound. I’m just hoping that you’ll both come to see reason before I have to intervene.”

“Intervene now, damn it!” I say half-jokingly.

“I can’t. I...I can’t say anymore right now. Only that, I think he’s struggling to figure some things out for himself and that I’m not giving up on the two of you just yet.”

Bonnie finally chimes in while I mull this over. “Ugh...that’s because you’re a hopeless romantic, Farah. They both have their reasons for not being able to overcome whatever they’re up against, and we should respect that.”

“You make us sound weak and our problems trivial.”

“If the shoe fits...” Bonnie chimes.

“Oh great! You two make up and then turn on me. I get it. I’ll be your punching bag for this bonding moment, but I promise I won’t do it for long.”

“Aww...honey, you’re not our punching bag. We just want what’s best for you. And we both think that Adrian’s what is best for you.”

“So you’ve been talking about me behind my back?” I cry disbelievingly.

Farah shakes her head no, but Bonnie pats me on the hand and says, “Of course, we have. But it was for your own good.”

“Great,” I mutter. “Look, even if Adrian feels a little something for me, the forces that we’d be up against,” I shake my head, “they’d ruin us. Both of us. I have my children to consider. If they bring me down, my boys go with me. Do you understand that?”

Bonnie nods her head yes. Farah shakes her head no. “No. No, I don’t understand how your family can be so cruel and manipulative.”

I throw up my hands. “You know, me either. I don’t understand it. I’ve just come to accept it.”

“OK. Our party just got really depressing, but I’m about to change this vibe,” Bonnie decrees, jumping up and swaying a little with the movement and the cosmos.

While she does whatever she needs to do, I run into the kitchen to pour up another round. I drain the contents of my glass quickly and refill us both. “Farah, you sure you don’t want one?” I call.

“No thanks,” she calls back. “I’m just not in the mood for alcohol tonight.”

I’m no lush, but how could you not be in the mood for a cosmo?
“Okey dokey,” I singsong.

Suddenly, our quiet music fades out and I hear the opening horn for one of my favorite songs blaring. I abandon our drinks and dart back into the living room in time to see Bonnie grab Farah and pull her up for a little dance. We twirl around for a minute, but as the chorus strikes up, we line up and belt it out in sync, “I love you baby, and if it’s quite all right...” We know every single word, every single intonation, and hit it all on cue. When it slows back down, we sway and serenade each other until it fades and then we collapse on the couch and dissolve in a fit of giggles and tears.