Everything She Needs (The Everything Trilogy) (35 page)

“What am I going to achieve by going up there Alfie? You’re going to hurt
Kara and Poppy? You’re choosing me over your family? I don’t want that, I’m not a home wrecker.”

He looked extremely frustrated. “I’m the shit in this relationship Lily, you wanted answers. You’ve accused me of things. I never wanted to become emotionally involved with you. I told you that.
The attraction between us, it’s… undeniable. When I’m in the same room as you, I can’t keep my hands off of you. I’ve tried, it isn’t possible. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did anyway.” My eyes dropped to the ground.

“More than you know, Alfie
,” I whispered. He came back down the stairs and stood beside me.

He swept my hair behind my ear. “See always taking liberties with me.” I spat at his touch.
“I told you not to touch me.”

His voice came back soft and resigned. “I told you not to love me.” His eyes locked into mine.

“Have you ever stopped for one minute and thought how this has been for me? To know you were out there with other guys? That you were being touched by other guys, just like you were accusing me of?”

I threw my hand up and turned to walk away from him. “I’m not doing this
Alfie, I’m not getting drawn into your fucking mind games again. When I’m hurting, you seem to be able to turn it around so that I look like the psycho-bitch, and you’re doing your best to deal with me?” I walked over to his car, but he locked it with the remote key. “Dammit Alfie, open the fucking door and take me home.”  He shook his head.

“No way, not until you see and hear what I want to tell you, after that…”
He threw his hand out palm up and waved his arm out there. “It’s your call. Why don’t you try trusting me for a change? You’ve done everything else except that.”

He walked over and took my hand. I needed to do whatever he wanted and get home. I should have been getting ready to leave for
D’mond by now.  Even with the anger raging inside me, his hand radiated a pulse of electricity that surged to all my erogenous zones.

The only man I have really loved apart from my dad and Jack was standing in front of me asking me to trust him. I had no faith in him to tell me the truth, but I agreed to go to the apartment with him. This had to end one way or another.

He was still holding my hand when we reached the apartment door. I half expected him to knock, but he pulled out his keys and let himself inside. The apartment was completely bare. Alfie turned to me and dipped his knees slightly taking my other hand.

“I was going to wait until Friday, until Jack was here to do this, but fate intervened today. Besides, I don’t want three more days without you. I fucking hate that Zack guy hanging all over you, touching what’s mine.”

I couldn’t comprehend what was happening, he had talked about Jack, Zack, and me being his, and the apartment was empty. Where have Kara and Poppy gone? “I’m not yours Alfie, and you’re not mine.”

He dropped my hands and walked away from me, then spun around with his arms out. “Look around you Lily, it’s just us.
No one else?” I swallowed hard thinking that he was referring to us being alone in the apartment.

“W
here is Kara?”

He smirked.
“Gone.”

I furrowed my brows. “Gone? Gone where?” 

He smiled again. “Portland. Portland, Oregon.” He could see I was having trouble processing what he was trying to tell me. “Come here.” He motioned to a ledge by the low window for me to sit down.

“She isn’t my responsibility any more. Some guy she met through her ex-boyfriend helped her get some new ID paperwork. He found her on campus here one day w
hen he came to visit his niece. She has a new social security number and a fake name. I had an advance on the album we’re cutting, and I had some money saved. I sold my parents’ place and bought a condo. I don’t need to mentor here now anymore, because we don’t need the apartment or the guise of her being my family anymore. I used extra money from the sale of the house to get Kara a place.  She has also got enough to live on for about two years if she’s careful.

“
She has a job as well. Her ex-boyfriend’s associate was fucked over by him as well and hates his guts. He’s helped set her up to work from home so she can take care of Poppy too.  Apparently, her ex is the one that’s now living in fear as there’s a contract on him.”

I could see the devastation in his eyes. His hand ran through his hair as I was trying to take it all in. He fell to his knees in front of me. “I have no idea how to put this right, Lily. I can’t live without you near me.
The past six months have been soul destroying. I’ve been going through the motions. I went to see Jack, I wanted advice.” I stared him down because of the rift his visit had caused between Jack and me. “Jack told me I was a fucking idiot for trying to be anything but honest with you, Lily.”

“What about the woman in the studio?”  I blurted my thoughts out there before I could process it.

He echoed my last three words. “In the studio?”

I sighed heavily.
“You know Alfie, the one sitting on the desk swinging her legs, the standing close, kissing your face, you with your hands on her lower back.”

He didn’t look perturbed about that at all. “Oh, Carla you mean? Yeah, she came to tell me we had been signed.”

He continued, “She works for the record label. She looked kinda flirty, I’ll admit, but I was just happy about the news. How could I be interested in any girl when I have you?  My cuddle was more about the news she brought than anything. I wasn’t even conscious of where my arms were.”

He added, “Anyway, if you saw her, why didn’t you come in? To be honest Lily, I was going to tell you that night about being signed, but you blew me o
ff to study. I didn’t want you distracted so I thought it would keep until our last night at the studio but…”

Chills ran down my spine, I had this whole thing so wrong between us. I had
texted him telling him we were done. Everything he’d told me was the truth, he was right.  I didn’t believe him when I should have. He had tried to be honest with me.  I stood staring eye to eye with him, feeling sick.

What the hell were we all about? From the first day I had met him, I was overwhelmingly drawn to him
.
I gave myself to him so willingly when he was emotionally cold towards me.

Everything, from our very first conversation on campus
to our first kiss and the nights we spent together, had carried mixed feelings for the both of us.

“I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you, Lily. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you so badly. You have no idea what that has done to me. No matter what happens, or what you decide today, I will love you until the day I die.” Alfie’s soft voice interrupted my thoughts.

“I told myself I couldn’t get involved with you because of my situation, but our connection was so strong I couldn’t fight against you. My heart was yours from the moment my skin touched yours, and your heart was mine.”

All those nights I lay in the darkness, crying, missing him, wondering how the hell I had gotten myself into this cluster fuck of a relationship with someone like him?

I had wondered why had I taken him up on his stupid offer that first day, and thrown caution to the wind. It wasn’t like I was sexually experienced and worldly. More than that, I had never done anything that wasn’t planned and researched in my life. Even my crazy travels.

I
realize now the connection I made with him, even before we spoke our first words, his eyes locked into mine and touched my soul. 

What he had given me was epic feelings, which I could never describe or explain. When he spoke, his voice brought that connection even closer.  I had never known anything like it
, before or since him, with anyone. He had my heart, and no matter how I dressed it up, it was unlikely that I would ever find that twice in a lifetime.

No other relationship could ever come close to what I felt when I was with Alfie
. What I had done with him was so out of character to who I was.

Maybe it was destiny
, and that was the true reason I took a leap with him. Maybe it wasn’t about sex at all, great as it was. I was compelled to be with him, even though I hadn’t recognized it at the time. It was dawning on me now I had probably fallen in love with him at first sight as well.

He was kneeling beside me, looking at floor
, and I hadn’t found the words to express everything that was running through my mind. We wouldn’t go back, too much time had passed and there would always be trust issues.

We had ruined our chance together with other people’s baggage. Tears rolled down my face again. “Sorry
,” I whispered. Alfie sat motionless, he didn’t look at up. I cleared my throat and tried again. “I’m so sorry Alfie, we tried to have an uncomplicated relationship, and we both got it wrong, but you weren’t honest for your own reasons in the beginning, which I understand now, and I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you finally did tell me about Kara.”

He looked up, his eyes were moist
, and my heart cracked. He was crying. I’ve never seen him cry.

“Where do we go from here, Lily?” It would have been so easy to fall into his arms and tell him everything would be okay. I couldn’t do that. We had hurt each other so much. I couldn’t see a way back from it.

We had separate lives now. He had his band and was based in London as far as I knew, and I had XrAid and college here. It was an impossible situation. “We don’t go anywhere, Alfie. Our lives are very different now from when we met. We should just be thankful for knowing love at this level.” I couldn’t believe I was saying it, but it was too late for us to be anything now. I had to learn to live without him, and I had Zack to think about.

I agreed to see him one last time for lunch
; he was going back to London, and Jack and Elle were coming for their vacation tomorrow afternoon. I had to get to the gig, or he would have argued about spending more time together tomorrow. 

He drove me back to my condo, and when he pulled up, I got out and closed the door. I made my way inside with my head down. I thought I was brave not to look back.

Everything inside of me wanted to throw myself at him this afternoon, but that would just have prolonged the inevitable, again.

I had to hurry to get myself together for the gig. I looked a mess
, and it was obvious I had been crying. I pulled on some skinny jeans and a purple satin sleeveless top and put on my comfy Doc Martens boots.

Some chains and a gold bangle completed my look
, and I straightened my hair. I didn’t have time to wash it now, I was running late. I pulled together my outfit for later and ran to my car to set off for the club and my sound check.

When I arrived Cody came over and placed his hand on my back, he was concerned about me. “Jeez
, Lily, you look rough, is it food poisoning?” 

I shook my head
. “Nah, I’m okay now, I’ll be fine by the time we’re up later.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I like your outfit.
You’ll have men trying to sit on your lap tonight in that,” he said sarcastically, grinned, and went off to find Lennon, who was chatting up a new, very busty bartender over on the far side of the bar. I quickly did my sound check and went to sit in the dressing room.

I had to put Alfie out of my mind and get on with the task
at hand here tonight. I actually fell asleep on the couch in the dressing room and woke with Diggs feeling my head. I flinched, startled by someone touching me when I slept. I hadn’t slept beside anyone since the last time Jack was here.

When I saw it was Diggs I relaxed back into the couch. “You feeling like shit babe?”

I smiled and closed my eyes again. “Digs, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure babe, name it
,” he said.

“Don’t ever leave this band for a career in nursing with a bedside manner like that, promise me?” He grinned, and I heard snickering from the other guys in the room.

“Hello guys, she’s obviously not that bad, she’s ragging on me again.”

I rolled off of the couch and freshened up. I felt a little better. I’d learned to live with Alfie. He’d
been sitting on my chest like a lead weight for so long I knew I could shrug it off when I needed to do something important.

We all got out there and performed well despite my drama
. Zack was on the dance floor tonight, watching from out front. He had a couple of friends with him that he wanted me to meet.

When he smiled up at
me, I was happy to see him, but seeing Alfie today made me realize I was never going feel that with Zack.

I wasn’t being fair to Zack
. He was a wonderful person, and I didn’t want to string him along if I had no intention of keeping him.

When our slot was
done, I was pumped, the adrenaline rush I got every time we were up on stage always sent my heart racing.

I put my guitar down and my bangle clasp got caught on one of the nuts of my guitar. The bangle sprung open off my arm, bounced closed again on the floor and rolled away towards the back of the stage.