EXONERATION (INTERFERENCE) (7 page)

“NO! That’s not it! That was never…”

“Then what? She should know who her father is. Parker doesn’t love her, but I do!”

“You don’t know her!”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Yours!
You left! Remember?”

“Believe me, I remember! But, I would have been there if I could have!”

“We’re not getting anywhere here. I don’t know how to explain you to…her.”

“You haven’t told anyone I’m back, have you?”

I looked down. “No, it um, it hasn’t come up.”

“I figured as much. Well, I’m not a scared kid anymore, so bring them on. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you have to stand up for yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. I may not have had a choice before, but I have one now, and I’m not leaving, Rebecca. I’ll stay away from you, if that’s what
you
want, but she’s my flesh and blood and you won’t deny me any more time with her.”

“I um, I better go.”

“We haven’t settled anything yet.”

“You just waltz back into our lives after almost seven years and expect me to just hand over my child to you? I can’t do that. I can’t explain you to her.”

“She’s my child, too. Parker may have been conveniently available when I was away, but I’m here now and I told you, I’m not leaving.”

I walked to the window and stared out at the park across the street. “It would be a lot easier…if you did.”

“Is that what you want?” he walked close to me, “You used to want me around.” He touched my shoulder and I jumped. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I never meant to hurt you. I loved you…I still…”

I spun around, “DON’T! Don’t stand there and tell me you loved me! You LEFT me! We
were supposed to get married! When you left, I locked myself in my room for months, praying it was a dream. I spent what was supposed to be our wedding day alone in my room, crying, trying to figure out what I’d done to make you leave me.” I needed to tell him how much he’d hurt me.  I wanted to hurt him, the way he’d hurt me. I was crying now, sobbing. He’d hurt me more than I could have ever imagined and I needed him to know it.

“Rebecca, you know I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want to hurt you!”

I turned back toward the window and whispered, “Then why did you leave me? How could you do that?”

He turned me to face him and wrapped his arms around me and I let him. I knew I should have pulled away, but I needed him. I needed him to tell me why he left, but I needed him to hold me more. He wiped my tears away gently with his finger. He leaned down and brushed his lips to my cheek. “I’m so sorry.” He kissed my other cheek, and then looked into my eyes, waiting for me to tell him it was okay. It was wrong, I knew it, but it felt so right, so natural. I
belonged to him, and even though he’d hurt me, I couldn’t stop the need flowing through me. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck. That was all the encouragement he needed. He picked me up and carried me to his bed. I didn’t fight him, and I didn’t even pretend to ask him to stop. I needed him, and in some way, I think he needed me. 

Gone was the clumsiness of seven years ago. He was older and definitely more experienced. I felt a brief pang of jealousy flash through me as he’d obviously been with other women, but it only lasted a moment, as it wasn’t long before I was completely lost in his touch and embrace. I kept my eyes open, needing to see him, to make sure it wasn’t just another dream…that he was real. I let him take the lead, just like so many years before, and just like then, I cried, never wanting it to end.  But it did, and hours later, as we finally had to face the fact that we had to talk, I sat up in his bed, pulling the blankets up around me.

He pulled me close as he sat up next to me. “Rebecca, you know I didn’t want to leave you. You know I didn’t have a choice. I came back for you, but you were already married. Why did you marry him? Why didn’t you wait for me?” he asked, obviously feeling like
I’d
done something wrong.

“You didn’t come back! Y
ou left and didn’t come back! I did wait. I prayed for you to come back to me.”

“You married Parker! You married him!”

“I was lost and alone, and I had a baby to think about.”

“Is his name on my daughter’s birth certificate?” he asked, holding me close.

I looked down. “Yes.”

“What do we do now?” he asked.

I reached down and grabbed my dress, pulling it over my head. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to include you in Shannon’s life.”

“What about your life?” he asked.

“What about it? I’m a married woman.” I sighed. “A married woman that just committed adultery.” I walked over to the window again.

“You’re mine, Rebecca. You always have been. That little piece of paper doesn’t mean anything.”

“Evidently…”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

He stood up and walked over to me. He was breathtaking. I had to force myself to look away or I’d find myself back in his bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. “God, I missed you. You don’t know how many nights I laid awake thinking of you, trying to remember your smell, how you taste. I’d close my eyes and imagine you in my arms.”

This only made me angry. I pulled away. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I have to go.”

“We still have to talk.”

“I’ll um, I’ll try to figure something out. You can see Shannon on Wednesday. Parker doesn’t get back until late Wednesday night.”

“You’re not going to tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“About us.”

I turned to face him. “There is no ‘us.’ That ship sailed a long time ago…when you left.”

“Are we
back to that again?”

“What else is there? You left…I had to move on.”

“So, that’s it? You’re going back to Parker?”

“I have to. It’s my life.”

“I won’t sneak around, Rebecca. Leave him…divorce him. Come back to me, please.”

I looked up into his eyes. “Shane…this wasn’t a reunion, this was closure. That’s all.”

“I don’t believe that. You still love me, I know you do.”

I couldn’t deny that, but I wasn’t going to freely admit it, either.
“I’m married!”  I snapped.

“Divorce him!
We belong together, you know it! I love you!”

He said those words again. I couldn’t let him do that to me, not now. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I
had
a kid, and I had to protect her. I couldn’t allow him to be a part of her life, to have her depend on him…love him, only to watch her heart break when he leaves again.

“You can see Shannon, because she’s your daughter. But, she’s never going to know that you’re her father. Parker’s her father…for all intents and purposes.”

“That’s not good enough. She’s mine!”

“NO! She’s mine! You lost that title when you left!”

“You know I had no choice.”

“I don’t know anything! All I knew was that I was alone…and pregnant.”

“I didn’t know. You were on birth control…I thought, I mean I never even considered that…”

“I forgot to get the next shot on time. I was busy planning our wedding, and going to school, and…trying to find moments alone with you,” I sighed. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant. Well, I knew, I guess, but I couldn’t face it. I ignored it and lied to everyone about it. It wasn’t until my water broke and the contractions were coming non-stop that I finally had to admit it.”

“I’m so sorry. I would have been there if I could have. You know that, right?”

“How would I know that?
” I closed my eyes, trying to regain control of my emotions. “Look, I’ll figure out ways for you to see Shannon. But, she can’t know who you really are. That’s the deal. Take it or leave it!” I said, standing tall.

“Not good enough.”

I reached down and grabbed my bra and panties and shoved them in my purse and then slipped into my shoes. “I have to go. You can come by and see her Wednesday. But, this…” I said, pointing to his bed, “Us…that’s over.”

He stepped toward me with a grin, waiting for my blush. “Is it?”

His smile didn’t work this time. I was angry all over again. I didn’t want to hurt anymore and I certainly didn’t want to put my daughter through the hell he’d put me through. “I told you, it was closure. It’s over!” 

I started out the door and he said, “Rebecca, it’s only
the beginning!”

I turned back toward him, “You said that before, and then you left. You lied! You will not hurt my daughter the way you hurt me! I won’t allow it!” The anger was evident in my eyes.

“I would never hurt…I didn’t mean to hurt you! How many times do I have to apologize? I didn’t want to leave!”

“But, you did! You left me. You killed me!” I looked him square in the eye and said, “You won’t do that to her! She’s never going to know who you really are.
Never!”  

He grabbed my arm as my hand reached the doorknob. “I’m her father! She’s mine whether you like it or not! I will have some say in how she’s raised!

“If you care about her, then you’ll let this go. You can be the long lost uncle or something.”

“I’m her father!”

I looked him in the eyes and said, “Parker’s her father! You can see her Wednesday from noon to five.”

I walked out, leaving him standing there obviously angry, but he let me go. And although I didn’t want to talk anymore, I didn’t want to leave, either.

I went home and cried for two hours and then forced myself to move on. I had
work to do. I couldn’t allow myself to let Shane be a constant invasion of my thoughts anymore. I had Shannon to think about. I made up my mind to try and work at my marriage from now on. I wasn’t going to tell Parker about my time with Shane. I knew I had cheated on my husband, but I had myself convinced that it was closure…that it was owed to me. I vowed, from now on, to be a better wife. I thought I might even give Parker the son he seemed to so desperately want.

I got caught up on all my accounts by the next afternoon, emailing the last one to my father at four pm. After that, I didn’t know what to do with myself. The house was clean, and I had no one to look after or to cook for. I wandered around for a couple hours, feeling lost and alone.

I went outside and thought I’d start cleaning up the yard for spring, but it was still too wet to rake. I looked around, wondering what I should do with myself. I hated feeling so lonely. Shannon had managed to keep me busy over the last six years. She had kept me too busy to cry over Shane, but as I looked around at the dead leaves, the dead plants left over from last summer, I realized that’s how I’d felt for years…dead. He brought me back to life, brought back the pain of an old wound that never healed, but had managed to lay dormant beneath the surface.

I walked inside, leaving the door open and found myself sitting down on the bottom step of the staircase…and I cried.

“Rebecca…” Shane said softly from the doorway, not daring to come inside, but wanting to comfort me.

I looked up and suddenly I didn’t care that I was married, I didn’t care that he’d left me, I loved him. He was here and I found myself running to him and throwing myself into his arms, sobbing.

He picked me up and kicked the door shut with his foot.
“Where?” he whispered.

“Upstairs,” I said, holding onto him for dear life.

He carried me upstairs, kissing me all the way. He started to walk in to Parker’s room.

“No, not here.
Down there on the right,” I pointed.

He looked at me strangely for a second, but continued on to my room.

This time, we wasted no time. There was an urgency…a need, and we both felt it. When we were both sated and exhausted, he pulled me close, refusing to let go.

“I hate to leave you….”

“Then don’t!”

“I um, I have to go check on a couple of animals. I’m sorry.”

“Will you be back?”

“Tomorrow at noon.”

“No, I mean tonight. This is our last time…please stay…or at least come back.”

“We have the rest of our lives.”

I sat up. “No Shane, we don’t! This is it.”

“Leave him.”

“I can’t. And, we can’t do this anymore. Not after tonight. He comes back tomorrow night.”

“So, you’re just going to jump back into bed with him?” he said, looking hurt.

“This is my room. He has his own room.”

“You don’t share a room?”

I shook my head no. “We don’t share anything.”

“Sounds like a perfect marriage to me. You don’t love him, you don’t sleep with him, he’s a terrible father…and obviously, he’s a terrible husband. Why won’t you leave him? I love you.”

“I…” I almost said I loved him, too, but the years of pain and loneliness reminded me that I couldn’t trust him. “He’s my husband, for better or worse.”