Fading (2 page)

The bell over the wood and glass door rings when I push my through it. I look around at the seven feet tall bookcases and inside my chest, my heart sighs.

“Lil, is that you?” My best friend’s voice floats through the store.

“Yeah, Lex, it’s me. Where are you?” I call back and start making my way through the maze.

“By the YA Fantasy.”

Lexi’s parents bought her a bookstore for her twenty first birthday. She didn’t ask for it, Lexi wouldn’t ask for anything. Personally I think it was because they were afraid that if she didn’t work in a bookstore, she’d end up living in one. Lexi is that girl who always has her nose in a book, if you haven’t read anything that she has, you probably won’t have a lot to talk about.

I finally find her sat on the floor, legs crossed underneath her, tongue poking out between her teeth as she puts books back in their right order on the shelf.

“I brought lunch,” I shake the paper bag in my left hand. “One BLT with mayo- which is gross by the way, and a fruit salad with a latte no sugar.”

After two more silent minutes, she finally pushes all that blonde hair out of her face and looks up at me in surprise, as if she’d forgotten I was here. I’m not offended, it happens a lot.

“You brought lunch? I’m starving.” She jumps up off the floor and I follow her to the back where her office – a room with a sofa, a bean bag and one laptop, is.

We clear a space on the floor and spread the food out in front of us.

“What are the plans for tonight?” She asks around a mouthful of her sub.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I guess I’ll meet you at the Shelly’s?”

Shelly’s is a local bar where our friend Cal works as head bartender, we go there often but tonight we’ll have the whole place to ourselves as we do every year on this day.

It’s the anniversary of Gavin’s death.

We all go there and instead of grieving him, we celebrate him.

“Cal will be there anyway, Nate is picking me up when he finishes work and I guess Jason will be with him too.” She nods and smirks when I groan.

Jason isn’t exactly a friend of mine.

We pretty much hate each other.

“Yay,” I say as dryly as possible and wave my coffee in a mock cheerleader style wave.

“How’s work?” She changes the subject.

I work as an administrator for my father’s company. It’s not what I wanted to do. It’s not even what I went to school for but it’s the easiest way for me to stay close to and keep an eye on my father.

“Good. It’s busy so the day goes by quick enough. We have a new girl working in the mail room and I think you’ll like her.”

“I will?” She doesn’t try to hide her surprise, Lexi isn’t someone we introduce many people to since she’s not exactly what you’d call a social butterfly.

“Yeah,” I smirk at her. “I went down there this morning and caught her sitting behind the photocopier reading on her kindle.”

“What was she reading?”

“I don’t know. I coughed to let her know she wasn’t alone and she dropped it. When I asked what she was reading, she started gushing about it so fast that I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Reminded me of you.” I smile fondly.

“Are you going to buy her a new one because you got hers dusty?” She teases me.

The first time I met Lexi we were both eight and I tripped over her in the playground. She had cried because I got her copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory dirty. I went back the next day with a new copy of the book for her and one for myself. We’ve been best friends ever since.   

“No,” I laugh, remembering the moment. “But seriously, she seems sweet. I’ll ask if she wants to come here with me for lunch tomorrow, will you be here?”

“Why are you suddenly trying to set me up with a girl?”

“I’m not trying to set you up. Unless you think Nate would be into that. No, wait. I don’t want to know that. I just feel bad because I don’t really read any more and you’re so into it that I just thought it would be nice if you had someone to go all fangirl over books with you again.”

“I do miss it,” She admits. “Okay, bring her over. I’ll meet her tomorrow.”

I run my eyes over the haphazardly buttoned shirt, jeans, socks and slippers that’s she’s wearing. “Are you going to look in a mirror before you meet her or is homeless chic in now?”

“I’ll look in a mirror.” She rolls her eyes at me.

“Thank you.” I throw my wadded up sandwich wrapper in the bin, giving a little dance when I don’t miss. “So how are things with you and Nate, all good?”

“Yeah, you know, we’re okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Well, everyone has their problems, you know. It’s just that sometimes I can’t help but think how different we are.” Lexi stretches her legs out in front of her and leans her back against the sofa. I copy her move.

“But do you think that maybe you work because you’re so different?” I ask with a frown, they’ve been dating about two years now and I guess I just assumed everything was perfect between them.

“I don’t know.” She sighs and shrugs, looking up at the ceiling. “I think I’m happy, I just… I don’t know. Sometimes I just feel like there’s something missing, you know?”

“Not really.” I shrug even though she’s not looking at me.

“You were happy when you were with Gavin, right?”

“Yeah, I was. We didn’t really argue or anything, it was just so… peaceful. You know how he was, you couldn’t argue with him, he was just so laid back all the time.”

She turns to look at me with a sad smile. “Is it still hard not having him around?”

“Sometimes. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed because it’s just so hard, you know. I mean, I miss him every day, but some days I just think about how unfair it is that he’s gone, but then other days it’s easier. I just think that he’d want us all to carry on. He’d want us all to be happy.”

“Are you happy, Lil? I mean, really happy?”

“I…” I look at my best friend, I really look at her. She has these grey eyes that you can get lost in and for the first time, I notice that they have green flecks in them. “I don’t think so.”

“Yeah… me neither.”

“We don’t really do anything though. Tonight will be good for us.”

“Yeah.” She agrees but I don’t think she really means it.

“Anyway, cheer up!” I jump up to a standing position, ignoring the way my joints protest and put on my cheeriest voice. “We’re going to get drunk tonight because we’re celebrating the fact that we are alive and that one of our closest friends, though he didn’t live a long life, he lived a great one. So when I see you in a few hours, I want to see you happy or at the very least, fake smiling.”

“You’re right.” She holds her hand out and I pull her up to her feet. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but by tonight I’ll be better. Today is Gavin’s day. It’ll be good.”

“That it will. But now I have to go back to work.” I pout pathetically which gets a laugh out of her.

“Still not happy with your boss?”

“Nope. And my dad didn’t come in again today,” I shake my head in frustration. “I’m going to have to go home and check on him before I meet you all tonight.”

“Yeah, give him a hug from me, will you?”

“Sure. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.”

I leave the bookstore in a gloomier disposition than when I entered it. This time of year is always hard for my father since we lost my mum. I just hope he’s better this year than he was at the beginning because that was rough, and definitely not something I can live through again.

By the time I make it to the bar, the party is already in full swing. Nate, Jason, and Lexi are all at the bar, Cal is on the other side of it mixing their drinks. Lexi is the first to spot me and when she turns on her stool, shouts “Lillybug!” and waves her hands in the air, I know they’ve been drinking shots of whiskey.

“Hey Lex,” I chuckle and wrap her into a hug when I reach her stool. “Started without me, huh?” I ask when I release her and climb onto the empty stool next to her.

“We did,” She hiccups. “The guys picked me up early.”

Behind her back, Nate shakes his head at me to let me know they didn’t, she’s just a lightweight, as usual.

“Right,” I smile and turn to Cal. “Make me a drink that will make me like that, please.”

“Sure thing,” He laughs evilly.

“So how have you been?” He asks.

I look away from him, I don’t want to think about what he’s putting in my drink, let alone see it happen. “I’ve been good. Busy. You?”

“Not bad, not bad at all. We’re doing a ladies night every Saturday here now, you should come.”

“A ladies night?” I cock an eyebrow at him. “Like… strippers and stuff?”

“Well, no. But there will be shirtless men bringing you drinks all night.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“I can see you’re finding it difficult to contain your excitement.” He laughs and hands me a black cocktail.

Black.

I don’t even want to know.

“Who are the guys that you’ve hired?” I ask out of curiosity.

“We’ll be here.” Nate grins at me and throws an arm around Jason’s shoulders.

“You’re doing it.” I check my amusement just in time when I realise they’re serious.

“Yes. Don’t laugh, you know we’re hot.”

“Of course you are.” I agree just to pacify him.

“Gavin would have been the first to sign up.” Lexi says. Or well, shouts.

“He would have.” I agree and this time, I do laugh. “He loved any excuse to do stuff like that.”

“We had some parties with him, didn’t we?” Nate shakes his head. “He was so sensible until you put some alcohol in him, then he was the centre of the party.”

“You both were.” Cal smiles at me.

“Remember that time you both jumped off that bridge?” Lexi asks and starts laughing as she tells the story.

“I’m not doing it.” I shake my head even as we climb up on to the edge.

“Oh come on, Lilith. It was your idea.” Gavin grabs my hand and laces our fingers together.

I squeeze it once. Hard. “I know but I forgot that I’m afraid of heights and this is high.”

“You forgot?” He throws his head back and the sound of his laughter fills the air, calming me.

“Do you think it’ll hurt?” I ask as I peak down at the crashing waves. Why am I asking such a stupid question?

“I think you’re going to want to do it again right away.”

“You won’t leave my side, right?”

“Never.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“You’re ready?”

“Yes.”

He leans over and kisses me hard and then without a countdown or any prompt what so ever, we both step off the ledge.

The wind blows my hair into my hair, blocking my vision, Gavin’s hand lets go of mine and we both get lost in gravity and before I can even think about what is coming, I manage just at the very last second to squeeze my nose with my right hand as I hit the water and get pulled under.

Coming up for air and swimming back to shore does nothing to dull the thrill that jumping gave me. It’s a rush like nothing I’ve ever felt before and he was right; I want to do it again.

“See, it was fun, right baby?” Gavin calls from a few feet away.

“That was a good night,” I recall with a smile. “We probably should have done it when we were sober though.”

“Well, yeah…” Nate says with enough dryness to cure the aftermath of a tsunami.

Several hours later, I’m searching for my coat with the rest of them. These once a year meetings are the only time we’re all together, we don’t hang out much anymore, which I suppose is just a part of growing up, friends spend less time together but it doesn’t mean they’re less of a friend for it.

“How did you get here, Lil?” Nate asks as we all huddle together outside and wait for Cal to lock up.

“Taxi. Oh! I haven’t rung one to take me home, will one of you wait with me please?” I ask and search my bag for my phone which is definitely in there but where it is, is anyone’s guess.

“We’ll wait with you.” Lexi assures me.

“I’ll take you.” Jason says at the exact same time.

“Thank you,” I smile at Lexi and turn to Jason. “There’s no need, I’ll get a taxi.”

“You live next door to me.” He says as if there can be no argument against it.

I have one, of course; like, I’d rather travel there in the belly of a snake than sit in a car with you. Or, but I don’t want to be alone with you because I’m afraid I may actually succeed at killing you with my mind and if you’re driving, I don’t want to crash.

But I don’t say those things, mainly because Lexi and Nate start agreeing that Jason taking me home makes more sense than getting a taxi when we live right by each other, so, ‘it’s not like he will have to go out of his way.’

“You’re not going straight home though, are you?” I ask unnecessarily and hope he takes the hint that I just don’t want to go with him.

“Of course I am, why else would I have offered?” He answers, completely ignoring the elephant sized hint I threw at him. 

“Right, kids,” Cal finally joins us on the side of the road. “Let’s go home.”

As one we all walk to the car park and say our goodbyes. I spend a little longer than necessary wishing Lexi a goodnight, prolonging the inevitable as long as possible. Okay, so I’m hoping Jason will pissed off with waiting and leave without me. But when I turn around, I see him sitting in the car waiting patiently. He’s probably even turned the heaters on so it’ll be warm when I get in there, the jerk. 

Like a woman who’s being sent to her death, it’s takes me three times as long as it normally would to reach his car, when I do, I open the door and debate running away but then it starts to rain, so I climb in reluctantly.

“Ready?” He asks once I’m buckled in.

“Sure.” I answer and turn my head to look out the window.

Hopefully he dives fast.