Fading (3 page)

“You don’t have to take me home. I’m fine. I can get a taxi.” I tell the windscreen, partly to break the silence, mostly because Jason is the last person I want to be alone in a car with.

“I’m taking you home. It’s no big deal. Besides, we’re almost half way there now.”

“Fine.”

“Why are you saying fine? What did you want me to do? Pull over and let you walk from here?”

“No. I’m just saying that I could have gotten a taxi home, it’s not a big deal.”

“Why are you so worried about being alone with me?”

“I’m not worried about being alone with you.”

“Then what’s the problem? If you’ll remember, we used to spend a lot of time alone together.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“Almost ten years ago, I know. But you don’t have to be so damn hostile all the time. You act like you hate me.”

I finally turn to look at him because talking to the window is getting ridiculous. Jason and I used to be best friends once but that was a long time ago. He’s no longer my cute next door neighbour, now he’s the guy that I avoid at every available opportunity. But much to my disappointment, he stopped being cute years ago. Jason is one of those guys that one day is that guy you know and then the next, he’s the guy that’s hard to resist. He has it all, from his gorgeous thick sandy brown hair, near perfect jaw line and perfect grin, to the body that’s hot, but not so hot that you’d be self-conscious about getting naked in front of him because you just know that no matter what shape or size, he appreciates the female body.

Too bad he’s a first class arse. “I do hate you, Jason. What makes it worse is that you know it and if I know you as well as I think I do, I’d say you like that I hate you.”

A pair of chocolate brown eyes turn in my direction full of humour. “You think you know me?”

“Jason,” I sigh loudly. “I probably know you better than you know yourself unfortunately.”

“Maybe that used to be the case but people change. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, definitely not the same person I was nine years ago.”

“Whatever.”

“And what do you mean you think I like that you hate me? First of all I didn’t know you hated me. That’s such a strong word, I just thought I annoyed you. Secondly, I don’t enjoy that you can’t be alone with me for more than five minutes without looking for an escape route. If I weren’t so unsure that you’d jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from me, I’d be driving faster than 25 miles per hour.”

“I’m not going to jump out of your car while it’s moving, Jason. I’m not crazy.”

“Aren’t you?” He moves his eyes back to the road.

“What do you mean, ‘aren’t I?’ Of course I’m not crazy.”

“Then what the hell is wrong with you?”

For a few seconds, I don’t reply. There was a time that hearing Jason yell at me, wouldn’t have been a big deal. He’s a passionate guy, I just haven’t seen it for so long that it takes me by surprise. “Don’t shout at me.”

“Then tell me what the hell is wrong with you. As much as you might hate me, you can’t change the fact that I know you, Lily. And no matter how many times you say you’re fine and everything is good, you should remember that I know when you’re lying.”

“No.” I turn fully in my seat so I’m facing him properly because I want him to know I mean every word that I’m about to say. “You don’t get to do that. You can’t be… however it is that you’ve been with me for the last nine years and then suddenly decide you want to talk to me. Don’t pretend that you’re even slightly interested in hearing how I’m doing, Jason. I know how you feel about me and it’s pretty close to how I feel about you. So, just don’t okay? You haven’t been there for me for a very long time. I’m not about to start letting you in now.”

He slows the car down and pulls over, it’s only then I realise we’re outside my house. “I’m not asking you to let me in. I’m just saying that I’m not Lexi, or Cal or even your dad; you can’t bullshit me into believing that everything is okay. I may not know you so well anymore, but I know when something isn’t right. And Lily, something isn’t right with you and you’re in deep, so whatever it is you’ve gotten yourself into, get out. Get out now before it’s too late.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I undo my seatbelt and turn to open my door, which is as far as I get before I feel his hand on my arm.

“All I’m saying is even though you hate me, you know that I’m here for you if you need me.”

When I laugh the humourless sound of it fills the car, I look over my shoulder just in time to see him wince. “Really? Because I remember very clearly the last time I needed you and you walked away from me.” I pull my arm away from him and get out of the car without another word.

It’s not until I’m alone in the house that the last twenty minutes I spent with him really hits home. We were close once. He used to be my best friend, there wasn’t anything that went on in my life that didn’t include him. He knew everything there was to know about me and it had just always been that way.

We were so young when we first met that I can’t even remember how old we were exactly, we were about four, I think, and he and his mum had just moved in next door to us. Jason and I started spending some time together and then over the years, he grew closer to my parents too. My dad mostly since his dad died a year before they’d moved, so seeing Jason at my house wasn’t ever a big deal, he became a part of the family. I thought as we got older, we’d grow apart, mostly because he was the popular boy and I was shy so I was always really quiet in front of people I didn’t know very well, but it just never happened. He tried to include me in as much as possible and when we reached high school, he invited me to all the parties that he was invited to and I know that he blew a few off to hang out with me instead.

He once cancelled his own birthday party because I was ill, so instead of being with all of his friends, he snuck into my bedroom and spent the whole night watching really bad movies with me. I had to do the same thing for him a week later though since he caught whatever bug I had.

We haven’t been like that for a long time though and he was right, a lot has changed since then, including my ability to lie without so much as a second thought.

He was wrong about one thing though.

He doesn’t know me.

He has no idea what I’ve gotten myself into.

“I’m so glad you came out with me.” I hug Lexi to my side as we watch some sort of drinking game that’s too confusing to actually know what’s going on, never mind who’s actually winning.

“How are you so wasted? You’ve only had like two drinks.” She frowns at me which makes me laugh.

“Who cares? I’m having fuuuuun!” I shout and get a chorus of cheers from the other party goers. “See,” I wave an arm out in front of me to gesture to the whole of the house. “You need to cheer up. Why you so grumpy?”

“I’m not grumpy, I just know how hard this time of year is for you, though I must admit, I expected you to spend it locked away in your house like you do every year.” She reluctantly accepts a drink from one of the girls who we met at a bar earlier and invited us here before she turns back to me. “I forgot to ask, how was it with Jason?”

“How was what with Jason? Nothing had happened. What are you talking about? I don’t even talk to him.”

“Whoa there, I meant the other night when he took you home… what did you think I was talking about?”

“What? Nothing. The other night…” I have to pretend to think about it. I don’t know why. It’s not like there’s even a slight chance that I’ll forget it and the intensity that is Jason, any time soon. “It was fine. We argued. So it was par for the course with us.”

“Why are you two like that anyway? What happened? I mean, for as long as I can remember, you’ve both been hostile towards each other but you seem to dislike him more than he does you, Nate says you used to be best friends, inseparable, almost. What happened?”

“Do you really want to know what happened?” I ask and smile at the two guys headed our way. “We grew up, that’s what happened.”

“Hello ladies,” They finally reach us. I smile at the one on the left, he’s medium height, dark haired and when he smiles – which he’s doing right now, he has a dimple. The one on the right is tall blonde and a little too handsome for my taste but I’m sure Lexi will have no trouble talking to him.

“Hello,” I smile back at them both.

“Need a drink?” The one on the left asks me with a tilt of his head.

“You’re not going to tell me your name first?” I cock an eyebrow at him.

He smirks in return. “Sure. I’m Ethan, this is Jake.” He inclines his head towards his friend who’s checking us both out.

“Lilith and Lexi,” I point at myself and then my best friend in the same order that I say our names. “And yes,” I link my arm through Ethan’s and look up at him. “I definitely need a drink.” 

***

“Oh come on, Lex,”

“I’m sorry, I am. It’s just-” I roll my eyes at the loud crash that sounds through the phone, no doubt she just knocked over a pile of box. I take the unexpected break in conversation to swallow down a few pills and send a quick email that I’d been avoiding all morning.

“Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, the party. I can’t go. I wish I could but I’m in a jam here. I’ve fallen too far behind.” Lexi continues to ramble in my ear.

“If you need a hand, I can come over and help out, you know I have the time.”

“I know, I know and I’m not that far behind. Besides, this would be the fifth party in four days. What’s really going on?”

“Nothing is going on. It’s just a party.”

“It’s not just a party though, is it? Its part
ies
. It’s not even about that really, it’s about you. If you just went to these places and had a drink and a dance or whatever, that would be fine, but you don’t. You have one or two drinks and then you’re completely wasted and you hop from party to party like it’s going out of fashion. So no, Lilith, I’m not buying the ‘nothing is going on,’ excuse. Something’s up and you need to tell me what it is.”

I roll my eyes, sigh and lean back in my chair, swivelling from side to side. “So, I may be a little restless. I don’t know. I just feel like I need to get out and distract myself with having a good time or something.”

As expected, she focuses on the key word. “Distract yourself? Distract yourself from what? I
knew
something was wrong.”

She’s right, of course; something is wrong. I just don’t know what it is. It’s not like I’m not used to feeling a little restless, but this time, I just don’t want to be left with nothing to do because then there will be time to think. To think about what, I’m not sure; I just know that I don’t want to find out.

“I’ll stop by after work, okay? I’m not sure what’s going on but maybe talking it through will help.”

“Yes!” She all but screams the word, making me wince. “Sorry. I may have gotten a little carried away there, but yes, come over. We’ll order pizza and I’ll make hot chocolate, it’ll be like old times.”

“Sounds great. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” I hang up the phone without waiting for a reply and lay back with my eyes closed.

I said, I’d talk. Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to say to her when I don’t even know what I’d say to myself.

It’s a little after five when I get the bookstore but the lights are on, so I know Lexi didn’t give up on waiting for me.

“Hey, sorry I’m late, I ran into my dad’s assistant. Okay, so I tried running away from her but she caught up with me anyway.” I let my voice carry as I make my way toward to back office.

I find Lexi sat on the floor in the middle of the room crying. “Hey,” I lower myself down next to her and wrap an arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“I- It’s-” Another bout of tears overtake her, cutting off her… well, whatever she was going to say or do besides crying.

“Shh, stop crying, we can fix it. I’ll help you through whatever has happened, but you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

“You. You’re the problem.”

I look up and see Nate in the doorway staring, well, glaring at me. Lexi’s crying stops but I don’t look away from him as I climb to my feet to face him.

“What do you mean, I’m the problem? What did I do?” I ask not quite as offended as I should be.

He laughs, but it’s clear that he doesn’t find anything funny. “What did you do? What exactly did you think dragging Lexi to all those parties would accomplish? Did you think I’d be okay with that? Tell me, because I really want to know. Especially since if I was the one out partying it up every night, you’d be the first person to tell her to drop me like a bad habit. So tell me, Lil, ‘cause I really want to know.”

“I-I” I don’t know what to say. He’s right. “I’m sorry, I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

“Oh, you were thinking alright, but you were only thinking about yourself!”

“Nate!” Lexi shouts from behind me but none of us pay any attention to her.

“You’ve been so caught up in whatever the hell it is that’s going on with you that you’ve stopped caring about anyone but yourself.”

“Nate. That’s enough.” Lexi pushes past me and stands in front of her boyfriend. Is he even her boyfriend right now, or did I screw that up?

“No, Lex, it’s not enough. Someone needs to tell her to get her head out of her arse.”

“I said that’s enough. You need to leave her alone. You’re ruining everything!”

“Its fine, Lex.” I sigh, how did I miss this? “He’s right. I’ve been spending so long trying to stay out of my own head that all my focus has been on that. I should have seen how my behaviour was affecting you.” I find my way to the sofa in a daze and lower myself down onto it slowly. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Nate.” Lexi starts shouting again. “Why did you come here? We were going to sort this out without you, Lilith was coming over and we were going to talk. You shouldn’t have said that stuff to her and what’s wrong with me going to a few parties, huh? You don’t trust me?”

“Of course I trust you. But it’s a double standard. Why should you expect me to be okay with you going to parties all the time when we both know that you wouldn’t be okay with me doing it?”

“Why do you keep saying that? Since when am I not okay with you going out?”

“Oh right, I remember now; it’s not that you have a problem with me going out, it’s just that you don’t even notice when I do!” I watch with a kind of amusement as Nate throws his hands in the air while Lexi looks at him as if she’s not sure who he is anymore.

“I don’t notice? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh boy.” I whisper to myself but it looks like Nate is thinking the exact same thing as we watch Lexi fold her arms across her chest and tilt her head, a tell-tale sign that whatever he says from this point on, isn’t going to help.

“I just meant that-”

“No. Don’t do that. Don’t try and change what you said. You gave it to her straight, so give it to me straight, Nate.” Hands now on her hips and voice firm, Nate and I both shrink a little.

“Fine,” Nate sounds more resigned that angry now, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. “I said you don’t notice what I do but what I really meant was you don’t notice me. And damn it Alexis, but I want you to notice me, do you know how humiliating this is? I sound like the bloody girl in the relationship!”

“I do notice you! I have no idea what you’re talking about or where any of this is coming from.”

“You don’t! You’ve always got something on your mind whether it’s a stupid book you’ve read, been reading or it’s someone else’s problems, but it’s never us. You’re never thinking about us.”

“Oh shit,” I whisper just before Lexi shouts.

“My books aren’t stupid.”

“I’m not. I didn’t. Shit.” Nate spins on the spot, with two hands fisting his hair, I swear he growls. That’s when I decide to step in and save the argument that started because of me and my foolish behaviour.

“Guys,” I call and wait until they’re both giving me their full attention. “This is ridiculous. You’re arguing because of me and I’m sorry for what I’ve done, but Lexi was right earlier, Nate. I did come over here to talk it out with her. Maybe…. Maybe you could help too?”

After a few minutes of complete silence, I get a nod from Nate and a grin from Lexi.

“Okay,” I smile at them both. “I think I need to start dating again.”

As expected, they’re both shocked. I haven’t dated anyone since Gavin died. I’ve flirted a whole lot, sure, but I’ve not dated anyone. When it’s clear that none of them have any idea what to say, I help them out once more. “Maybe we should still order that pizza. We may be here a while.”

“Sure, okay.” Nate claps his hands once and nods at us both. “Let’s do it.”