Fading (7 page)

After my talk with Cal, I spent all night thinking about everything and I guess at some point, I decided that I’m not only ready to have sex with Ethan, but I want to.

I think.

I must, I mean, I’m here aren’t I?

I look around and take in my surroundings, I’m in Ethan’s house- he has an actual house, like a grown up. It’s even decorated like an adult’s house. Yeah, I’m definitely here. This point is proven further when Ethan passes me another bottle of beer. My third.  With a smile, I accept it and turn m attention back to the TV.

This time we’re watching a straight to TV movie, I’m not sure what it’s about, I don’t even think there’s any kind of plot. It just seems to be about nothing. But that’s okay.

I hope he doesn’t fall asleep. That would seriously mess with my plans.

What if he does fall asleep? Would I have to wake him up? That doesn’t sound good.

Oh God, What if
I
fall asleep?

I won’t. I can’t.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?” I turn my attention from the TV and my wandering thought to Ethan.

“Are you okay?” He repeats softly.

“I’m fine, are you okay?” I ask thinking maybe I missed more than a bunch of people talking on TV.

“I’m fine. You just seem…quiet.”

“Oh, no. I’m fine, really. I’m just watching the movie.”

“You are?” He seems amused now.

“Yeah, you aren’t?”

“Well, I’m trying, but I’m lost.” He admits a little reluctantly.

“Lost?”

“Uh huh, I don’t suppose you could tell me what is going on?”

“What’s going on?” Does he mean what’s going on here, with us?

“In the movie…”

“Oh, right.” I laugh, relieved. “Nothing is going on. I’m not sure this is really a movie. I think it’s some sort of reality show. Nothing has actually happened yet.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“How do we always end up watching things that none of us really want to watch?”

“What? How do we?”

“Well, we went to the movies and ended up seeing a children’s film because we couldn’t decide what to see and we talked through the whole thing, almost got kicked out. Then there was the movie at my place, you fell asleep, I zoned out after twenty minutes. And now this
thing
whatever it is.”

With a laugh he pulls me closer to him on the sofa. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t know what it is with us and movies.” Instead of turning it off or changing the channel, we both turn back to the show.

When after an hour, I spend more time thinking about what I will or will not be doing later tonight with Ethan, I realise that I’m far too nervous to go through with it and, to be honestly, I seem to have managed to talk myself out of doing it without ever actually talking at all.

So, with this in mind, I wait until Ethan leaves the room to get us some more beers and I text Lexi, asking her to get me out of here.

It’s the system we came up with in the beginning, I text her, she calls me and then I tell my date that there’s some kind of emergency so unfortunately, I have to leave. Apparently everyone has a system like this and Lexi was pretty excited that I finally had a need for one. I’m not sure it’s something someone should be excited about, but I guess she was just glad that I was finally doing something.

It takes longer than expected for my phone to ring, so long that I had to use the excuse of going to the bathroom to send her a second text but even still, it took more than an hour for my phone to ring.

So when it does finally ring, I jump about a foot off the sofa and answer it in a complete panic.

“Hello?”

“Lil, it’s me. Lex.” Comes in my ear and then I remember that I was actually waiting for her call. And my first thought was,
wow, she’s good at this.
She has the panicked tone down and it ignites a flame of worry inside me.

“Lex, what’s wrong?”

“Lil, it’s your dad?”

“What about my dad?” I ask and feel only slightly guilty when Ethan sits up straighter and put a supportive hand on my back.

“There… Lil, I’m so sorry. There was a car accident an-”

“Is this a fucking joke?” All worry and surprise and guilt and every emotion except anger leaves me. “What kind of sick joke are you playing Lexi? You know this isn’t funny. I can’t
believe
you would say something like that!”

At the obvious change in my mood, Ethan’s hand leaves my back and instead, he kneels on the floor in front of me.

“Lilith, I promise you that I’m not joking.” She swears in my ear.

“So tell me what the hell has happened!”

“There was a car accident, your father is in the hospital.” She’s crying now and a part of me doesn’t want to believe that’s telling the truth. That part of me wants me to believe that she’s still just providing with an excuse to leave Ethan’s place early.

“You’re lying.”
This isn’t happening.
“My father would be in bed by now, he wouldn’t even be in a car.”
Deny everything.
“It’s not him.”

“Lilith. Listen to me, it’s true. I don’t know why he was out but he was and … you should come.”

The phone drops out of my hand and I barely notice Ethan picking it up off the floor and when his mouth starts moving, I don’t hear anything but a buzzing sound in my ears.

Everything else is blur is there.

Ethan sorts everything out.

We leave his place and he put me in his car, he drives us to the hospital, he even sorts everything out when we get there, he talks to the staff so we get taken to the right floor.

When the nurse tells us to go to the waiting room and I spot Lexi and Matt, those black dots from five years ago come back, they start taking over my vision and everything seems to become real.

This is actually happening.

I feel a sharp pain in my knees when they hit the floor but there’s just one thing on my mind.

Not again.

Okay, so I fainted.
Again
. But at least it’s when I hear some terrible news and not at the sight of blood or something. This time though, it seems I was only out for a second or two because when I open my eyes again, Lilith and Matt are only just kneeling besides me. Unless, of course, I’ve been out a few minutes and they were talking to each other instead of seeing what was wrong with me. 

“Lil, Jesus, are you okay?” Matt grabs both of my shoulders, jerking me off of the floor slightly.

“Uh...”

“You hit the floor hard, honey.” Lexi frowns at me.

“Dad?” I ask when the last half an hour hits me again. I feel my eyes fill up and try to stop it by sheer force of will.

“Let’s just get you up, yeah?” Matt asks and before I can reply, he’s lifting me off the floor and lowering me into one of the plastic chairs in the waiting room.

“It’s bad, isn’t it? Oh God, how bad?” I ask looking at both of them in turn.

“I’ll just go tell one of his doctors that you’re here,” Matt says and rushes out of the room before I can insist that he stays and tells me everything.

“What the hell is going on?” I demand when Lexi just watches Matt run out of the room nervously.

“Uh…well…”

“Cut the shit Lexi,” I grab her hand, probably a lot harder than I should, but I need to stop her from running away. Tell me what you know.”

“I don’t know anything. No, really,” She rushes on when my grip tightens. “They wouldn’t tell me anything, all we know is that there was a car accident and we came straight here.”

“If that’s all there is to it, why are you both acting so strange?”

“Well, because it was a
car accident.
I mean, how many people do you know who have lost everyone they love because of a car accident? I wouldn’t blame you if you never went in another car ever again.”

“It’s not the cars though.”

“No.” She smiles sadly and sits down next to me, laying her head on my shoulder. “You wouldn’t think it was, would you?”

“I can’t lose him, Lex.” I finally admit.

“I know,”

“I can’t lose him. Don’t you think I’ve lost enough?”

“You have,” She sniffs and I’m not sure if she’s crying or if I am but I’m imagining that she is.

“If I lose him, it’ll be official.”

“What will?”

“I don’t have anything left. I’ve lost everyone.”

“Not everyone.” She says it so softly that I almost miss it.

“I know I have you, but that’s not what I meant.”

“No, I know what you meant. Still, you haven’t lost everyone.” She points across the room and I turn my head to look at what she’s pointing at.

“Oh,” The breath whooshes out of me as my eyes lock with Jason’s.

He’s stood in the doorway with Cal, they’re complete opposites in some ways but they’ve always been the closest two of the group. Well, for the last ten years anyway. But right now they are wearing different expressions. Jason looks as though it’s his own father in the hospital, as if he’s the one who is about to lose the last person on earth who loves him. Cal though, Cal looks as though he understands more than he should. He looks worried and sympathetic.

Not able to deal with the grief that surrounds Jason. I find myself running into Cal’s arms.

“Oh god,” I breathe as I finally succumb to the tears. My whole body shakes with them. My breath seems to alternate between bursts of hyperventilating and not at all. His shirt is now a mess because not only am I crying all over him, but my hands are twisting in it and pulling and
oh God.
“Cal.”

“I know, Lil. I know.” He soothes and pulls me closer to him.

“Uh… Lilith?” I stiffen in Cal’s arms.

Shit.

“Ethan, right?” I hear Lexi and when I turn to look at them, she has a hand on his arm and is leading him away from us.

“I forgot he was here.” I mutter and feel Cal shake silently.

I pull away to look up at him. “I just… I was trying to get away from him early so I texted Lexi and she was supposed to call with a fake emergency but, but, only the emergency wasn’t fake. So he brought me here.”

“So you didn’t….” He trails off.

“Are you seriously asking me that right now?”

“Just trying to take your mind of a bigger problem.” He tries for a smile but it wobbles.

“Thanks. And you to answer your question, no I considered it, but I couldn’t.”

“Okay, that’s okay If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. Why don’t we go sit down now?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer, he just guides me to the row of chairs where I was sat with Lexi just a few minutes ago.

With Cal and Jason flanking me, I sit in a silence that’s not completely uncomfortable. Though I can’t stop my mind from drifting back to the times I’ve been in this exact same position before.

The only and huge difference is that this time around, Jason is here. As if he knows where my thoughts are taking me, he takes my hand in his own without ever looking at me. I squeeze his hand because I understand that though we may not see eye to eye anymore, my father was as much his as he was mine for a very long time. Lexi and Matt both return – without Ethan, and they take seats next to us while we all wait for news on my father condition.

The waiting is the worst part.

Will I be an orphan by the end of the night?

Why won’t anyone tell me what’s going on?

How long am I going to have to wait until I can see him?

It turns out that I have to wait a lot longer than anyone could have predicted. When a pale haired doctor in blue scrubs comes into the room, my friends and I all jump up and rush over in the hope that we’ll soon be given some news.

We’re not.

All he says is that my father’s injuries are severe, he’s still in surgery and they’re doing the best they can.

He says I’m in for a long night of waiting.

He asks if I want to go home.

I want to tell him that my father
is
my home.

Then he leaves.

I tell my friends and Jason that they should all go on home and that I’ll wait here, letting them know anything as soon as I do but they refuse to leave me.

I try to be grateful for it, I really do but a big part of me just wants to be left alone.

If I’m going to lose my father, I’m going to have get used to being alone, why not start now?

It’s funny sometimes, how a simple gesture can trigger a memory.

That’s is exactly what happens to me when at around 3:30AM when everyone in the waiting room is sleeping except for myself and Jason who pulls me up off my chair and out of the room, only stopping when we get to the room my father is apparently in. We both slide down the wall until we’re sat on the floor, his arm around my shoulders. If this were the first time he’d done it, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but it’s not.

“Jason, we’re not allowed to be here,”

“Shhh.” He whispers and squeezes my hand.

I do what he says because Jason is always right and he always has the best ideas. If I listen really carefully, I can hear my daddy snoring.

“See,” He whispers loudly. “I told you he was okay.”

My dad hasn’t been very well lately and so I told Jason how worried I was. He came to my bedroom through the window after bedtime, which he’s not supposed to do but he does it because he’s my friend and he told me he had an idea. He said that he was going to show me that my dad was okay.

I smile at my best friend. “You did.” I close my eyes because it’s late and I’m sleepy. I should have been in bed ages ago. “Do you think we can stay just a little bit longer?” I ask still listening to the rhyme of my dad’s snores.

“We can, but not long. We must be gone before he wakes up.”

Well, must have fallen asleep because when I woke up in the morning both Jason and I were in my bed with the blankets on us.

I wipe a tear from my cheek at the memory but now that I let one in, the rest just keep coming and before I know it, I’m nine years old again, curled in Jason’s as he rocks me while I cry.

“Lilith!” My mum shouts from downstairs.

“No!” I shout back. “I’m not coming out”

Today is the stupid dress up day for school and I have to wear a stupid flower costume. Everyone is going to laugh at me. I have a flower on my head! I bet Jason gets to be something cool like a fireman.

“Awww, come on, Lily. It can’t be that bad.” Jason shouts up at me. I know its Jason because he’s the only one who calls me Lily, mum and dad stopped calling me that when Jason started doing it and now it’s like he’s got his own name for me.

“No!” I kick my door. They can’t make me go.

“Please?”

“No! You’re going to laugh at me!”

I don’t want people to laugh at me. “It’s a stupid costume mum!”

“I promise I won’t laugh!” Jason shouts.

I wonder why my mum didn’t let him come up, normally he would have just come in here by now and dragged me downstairs.

“Fine, but if you laugh then I won’t talk to you for a whole day.”

“Okay! Just come out already. We’re going to be late!”

With a grumble, I stomp out of my room and all the way down the stairs. No one shouts at me for stomping. When I get the bottom of the stairs, my dad has his hand over Jason’s mouth- and yep! He’s dressed as a fireman! And my mum is taking pictures of me.

“You promised!” I point at Jason.

My dad takes his hand from Jason’s mouth and then he falls onto the floor laughing.

“I TOLD YOU I LOOKED STUPID!” I scream.

“You don’t look stupid,” My mum says and takes another picture of me.

“Do too. Why can’t I be a fireman like Jason?”

“It’s cause I’m a boy.” Jason says and stands up to look at my dad. “Isn’t it?”

“So?”

“And so girls can’t be firemen, they gotta be flowers.”

“Is that true?” I ask my dad but he’s just smiling at us and not really listening. “I wish I was a boy.”

“I wish you was too. Girls are weird.” Jason admits making me frown.

“Am not. You’re weird.”

“None of you are weird. Let me take a photo of the two of you together.” My mum makes us stand next to each other and smile for lots of pictures.

My tears come harder now, so hard that even Jason struggles to keep up with my jerking body.

“Shh,” He runs a hand over my hair and once again, I’m thrown back a dozen years.

“Shush now,” My mum says before she zips up the tent, leaving me and Jason in the dark.

We try to make our laughs not so loud but it’s really hard.

“Do you think they know?” I ask him.

“No. They can’t.” He says and then laughs some more.

We wait until it’s really quiet out there so we know that my parents and his mum are sleeping before we get out our torches.

“They’re going to be so scared,” I smile.

Jason unzips the tent slowly so that it doesn’t make enough noise to wake anyone up and then climbs out of the gap. I follow him out, only tripping over the last bit. Together, we tip-toe across to the two big tents that aren’t far away from ours and looks at each other, not quite able to stop laughing.

When Jason holds up his hand and lifts a finger, we both quietly count to three and slowly start unzipping our parent’s tents.

I shine my torch in there, but it’s empty. I turn to look for Jason but now he’s standing right behind me.

“They’re not here.” I tell him.

“My mum’s not in hers either.”

“Where do you think they went?”

“I don’t know.” He takes my hand and leads me back to our tent. “We’ll just sleep by here and when we wake up, they’ll be back.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause they can’t just leave us here, silly.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Together we pull back the flap to our tent, but when we have it open, three torches come on and light up three faces.

I scream. Then Jason screams.

And when he takes my arm and pulls me away, we start running to the car.

When we get to the car, the only thing we can hear is our parents laughing.

They so knew what we were going to do.