Falcon Song: A love story (25 page)

When he finally released her lips, he asked softly, “If I tell you one more time that I love you, Kate, will it freak you out?”

He felt her shake her head and then nod and then she stilled and he looked down at her with a grin. “What did that mean?”

She sighed and hid her face as she admitted, “Oh, Jason, I don’t even know. I’m so mixed up right now.”

“Then I’m going to risk it.” He pulled her face up again. “I love you, Kate. I always have. I always will.” He leaned to kiss her and then gently kissed Kennen as well. “I love you both. And I always will.” He was just going to kiss her again, when they both sniffed at the same time and then quickly looked back toward the stove where smoke was rolling in clouds off her pan.

As they looked, the pan burst into flames and she inhaled sharply and twisted Kennen away. Jason pushed them both away, turned off the stove, glanced around and then lunged for the fire extinguisher that hung on the wall just inside the door.

Kate stumbled out the back door with the baby while Jason made sure the fire was out and then shoved the room’s windows open and headed out to where she was standing anxiously outside the door and he laughed and sprawled onto her back porch swing and then pulled the two of them down on top of him. “Now, there’s a first for us, Kate. I knew we were good kissers, but we’ve never spontaneously combusted!”

She let out a laugh and smacked him as she coughed again. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot what I was doing.”

“You and me both, babe. “ Their eyes met and then she looked away. “I wouldn’t have remembered to breathe just now.” He reached and touched her mouth and she looked back up and this time he could see the fear and tried to back off and joke. “I’m just glad you’re an organized and prepared woman. I’m afraid your kitchen would have been toast, literally, without that fire extinguisher.”

She sighed and he glanced down at her and saw that the laughter had died out of her eyes and he encouraged her. “Don’t babe. Don’t make that sound. At least for tonight let’s just smile and have hope.” She looked up at him and he saw that old familiar worry and leaned to kiss it away. “Have hope with me, Kate. If y’all can’t do it for me, then do it for Kennen. If there’s the slightest possibility he could have a stable, two parent home full of love, let’s try. We owe that to him. Children deserve to have two parents, who are married and committed to each other.” He patted the small dark head that lay on Kate’s chest as she lay against his

That made her sigh again. “I’m sorry, Jason, but there is no way I can talk about marriage tonight. I haven’t even seen you in almost two years. And there was a reason for that.”

He gently brushed across her cheek with the back of his hand. “Yes, but I know something that y’all don’t know, Katie Ree.”

“And what is that?”

He sat up and looked into her eyes. “That I’ve had more than enough of the glitz and I only want the flavor of Kate. I was stupid, Kate. I’ll be the first to admit that. I had lost my perspective on what was appropriate, but I was never wrong about being sure where you were concerned. Through this whole hellacious mess, that never changed. Even when I knew you were married to another man and I thought I’d lost you forever. I still knew I could never love someone else.”

She searched his eyes and then looked away. “It’s still crazy to talk about marriage tonight. I’m sorry.

Wrapping one of her curls around his finger, he said almost lazily, “You know what would be crazy, Kate? It would be crazy to finally find you and actually spend time with you without making absolutely sure you know I love you and want to marry you and be with you for the rest of eternity. That’s what would be crazy.”

“But, Jason, you don’t even know me anymore. How can you say that?”

At that, he sighed and leaned his head back against the top of the swing. “You, know, Kate. In some ways, you’re right. You’ve done some things that hit me out of the blue and I still can’t believe. I honestly never dreamed in a million years you would leave instead of telling me we were having a baby. I still can’t believe you would do that, even when now I know why you did. But I do know you, Kate. I know y’all better than your mother knows you. I know you nearly as well as God and Kennen know you. My brother Kennen. And you know what’s really cool?”

He glanced down at her to see that she was looking up at him. “What’s really cool is, the more I know you, the more sure I am I adore you. Most people aren’t like that. Usually the more you know about someone, the less you like them. That whole familiarity breeds contempt thing. You’re not like that. With you it’s familiarity breeds undying love.”

He glanced down at her and saw the laughter he’d missed so desperately and she teased him. “Those are terrible lyrics.”

“Ah, well, you can’t always be brilliant. Are you sure I couldn’t interest you in dinner? I know a great steak and rib place not far from here. It smells like smoke too, but they do it on purpose. C’mon. I’ll treat you at your own joint.”

“Oh, no. That’s all I need is for the staff to see you and Kennen together. I’d never stop the rumors. Let’s go somewhere more private with low lighting so anyone who sees us won’t know for sure if you’re that famous star or if that widow’s baby really looks that much like you.”

“Do we know of a place like that nearby?”

“The drive through at Jack in the Box.”

Jason groaned. “Something tells me you’re going to be hard to date. Come on. We should feed him before he goes down for the night. Are we already too late?” He lifted her off of his lap and set her gently aside, got up and reached down to tenderly lift Kennen and then snuggle him close and kiss him as she shook her head.

“I’ll get him a sippy cup of milk for his car seat. That way if we lose him he won’t be hungry all night.”

Jason looked down at him as he offered Kate his other hand. “I can’t get over him. I can’t get over the fact that he is so perfect, and… I can’t get over just the fact that he is. Do you know what I mean?”

He saw her get thoughtful for a moment and asked, “What?”

She shrugged and turned to go into the house and he caught her hand. “I want to understand, Kate. I know I’ll never get to have those experiences, good and bad, but I deeply regret that. Both missing the good and making you shoulder the bad alone. Tell me.”

She hesitated and then said, “You just can not even imagine what it’s like to realize you’re expecting a baby and the dad is… Well, that you aren’t married and settled and committed. It brings a whole new meaning to not being able to get over that he is.”

He gently cupped her cheek with his hand. “Do you ever think you’ll be able to forgive me, Kate?”

“Oh, I forgave you. I forgave both of us. I had to face that he was coming because we both messed up. And I could understand why you were acting the way you were. Forgiving you wasn’t a problem. I just had to get through it. Being alone was the kicker. He was born premie in San Francisco the day my dad died. The closest person I knew was like eighteen hundred miles away. I had to have a C-section and it got infected. It was . . . It was… I just had to get through it.”

He could hear the tears in her voice and saw them seeping into her eyes as she pulled away to go back into the house. He followed her, wishing there was some way he could go back and fix the terrible struggle he’d caused her to go through. Thinking about what she was describing made him feel horribly guilty and he wished they’d been together through these last months and years more than ever. The only thing he could do now was to try to make it up to her.

With the sippy cup in hand, Kate turned on the exhaust fan to start getting rid of the smoke smell and then grabbed a soft blanket and a jacket for Kennen and headed out to her garage. “Is it okay if we take my car? That way we won’t have to move his car seat. It takes days to get it situated correctly.”

“Your car’s fine. Just tell me what to do.”

Once Kennen was safely buckled in, Kate propped his head comfortably with the blanket and then got back out of the back seat of her car and handed Jason her keys. “Would you drive?”

He thought about that as he helped her into the passenger door and then came around, got in, adjusted the seat and buckled up. She was still the ultimate competent woman, but she had always wanted him to drive everything, from a motorcycle to a horse. She was funny that way.

He pushed the garage door opener and backed out into the gathering dusk of the March evening. Soft rock came on and he adjusted the rearview mirror and reached over and took her hand like he’d done every day of their lives before she’d gone. He glanced over to her as they eased off down her street toward their romantic Jack in the Box drive through.

She was still Kate, but she’d grown up so much that it no longer seemed like the older boyfriend and the teenage girlfriend like it had been the whole time they were growing up. There was no question about whether she was a woman grown now. That had been more than obvious from the emotion of those kisses. But it was more than that too. It really felt more like a married couple with their baby heading out to go somewhere. He hoped she was as happy and hopeful as he was, because he’d be fine with being Kennen’s daddy and Kate’s husband for at least the next twenty or thirty thousand years.

They ate in the car under the street light in the parking lot and neither one of them had much to say. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. Hopes he had. Dreams he wanted to work toward. Even apologies he desperately wanted to make, but he knew he was crowding her and had to back off.

He held her hand on the way back home again and then carried Kennen in and helped her get him changed and dressed for bed. Then he carried him in and gently laid him in the crib in her room and pulled his soft small blanket up to tuck around him. Afterward, he couldn’t help himself and stayed there for a few minutes just looking at him in the dim glow of the Winnie the Pooh night light. He still couldn’t get over that he was. He looked at his beautiful Kate standing beside him, the precious baby there in the crib and felt an achingly acute sense of loss that he’d missed so much. He wrapped an arm around her waist and whispered sadly, “I wish I could have known about him, Kate.”

Back in her living room, with the stereo playing low, he longed for his guitar. The need to play for her was upon him. To bring her sweet music and tell her through his words and voice how much she meant to him and how he felt inside about her and their son. But he hadn’t brought it and had to settle for sitting on her couch and having her nestle against his legs like she’d always done when he had been playing.

He dropped a gentle hand to her shoulder and softly squeezed. There was so much to be said and yet the silence that stretched between them was what made the bond they’d always shared the most apparent. The silence was comfortable and yet fraught with the need they were both feeling and neither one could voice.

She leaned her head back against his knee and closed her eyes and he slid a hand into her hair and let the soft, dark curls slide through his fingers and then tenderly rubbed her head. She sighed and he could feel her relax into him. It was incredibly easy and sweet to sit here quietly with her.

When he had all but decided he never wanted to leave, he swallowed a sigh, pushed her carefully away and stood up. “I gotta go, Kate. If I stay here much longer I’m going to melt. Either that or kiss you until I can’t think straight and you’ll be afraid of me in the morning. Kick me out.”

He offered her a hand and as he pulled her up, pulling her all the way into his arms was automatic, as was leaning down to kiss her breathless.

Kissing her until he couldn’t think straight actually only took seconds and then he was back to the dizzying need to want to literally breath her in. It was too late to leave before he melted, she made him feel like he’d lost his very bones as he held her to him and rained kisses all over her face and then moved to that warm, soft hollow under her ear.

He gently nuzzled her ear lobe with his teeth and heard her take in a soft, quick breath and decided he needed to go home
now
. The longer he kissed her the more he wanted to.

With all the will power he possessed, he gently pushed her away and tried to make himself swallow the sound of frustration that rose in his throat. Still holding her hand, he headed for her door and when they got there, he turned, gathered her almost roughly into his arms and kissed her one more time almost fiercely and then raised his head and asked, “Kate, can you promise me one thing?”

Her voice was tired silk as she replied, “I don’t know, Jason. What do you need?”

“You, Kate. I need you. You’re the other half of my soul. Promise me you won’t be gone when I come back here tomorrow. Promise me you won’t have taken him and run away again.”

She searched his eyes for a long moment and he saw the worry there deep in hers, but at length she nodded. “I promise, Jason. I’ll be here when you come tomorrow.”

He knew she wouldn’t lie to him and took a huge breath of relief and put his cheek against her temple. “Good Kate, ‘cause I couldn’t face losing you again. Either of you. It would kill me.” He gently kissed her one more time and then met her eyes and asked, “Think about me tonight, huh?” She nodded silently and he said one last time, “I love you, Kate. Good night.”

She closed her door behind him and he stood for a moment on her porch marveling at how much a person’s perspective on life could change in a handful of hours. He looked up at the stars and thought about the exquisite woman who was inside there, probably getting ready for bed. Geez, he had missed her. He couldn’t even believe how much. Or how unreal it still felt that he had found her and she had actually been decent to him. Way decent. He stepped off the porch and headed for his car, thinking about how good it had been to kiss her. Nothing in the world was as incredible as kissing her. He didn’t even want to go home, he just wanted to go back and keep kissing her.