Falling (Bits and Pieces, Book 1) (18 page)

The façade that I had put on to appear that everything was fine, even though I knew I wasn’t really fooling Patrick, had shattered when Mr. D handed me that card. I felt myself falling again. But I was at school. School was supposed to be safe, my refuge. I didn’t want to feel this way here – in the middle of class. I needed to snap out of it. I knew I had to, but I felt the whirlpool swarming around me. My hands balled up into fists as if that would literally help me get a grip.

Patrick had to sense the change in my demeanor. “Hey, you’re okay. I’m here. You’re here. That’s good.”

I took a long deep breath. I looked at the hopeful smile on his face. Patrick, the optimist. I could feel the current of my depression start to wane a little. He was right. Baby steps. I was here, I made it through the weekend. I would take what I could get. I could get through the rest of the period. The day would be a different type of survival though. I wouldn’t have to face Mr. D. I counted on being numb to get me through. Yes, that should help me muddle through each class.

* * *

At the end of choir class, Mrs. Marshall thanked everyone who auditioned on Friday. She announced that she would post the male and female soloists for the Winter Concert at lunch on the quad’s bulletin board. I couldn’t help but hope, even though I knew I shouldn’t.

I got to English class and tried to push what would happen at lunch out of my mind. Patrick could tell that I was preoccupied the minute I walked in. I guess I had that far-off disconnected look on my face. I sat down in my seat and mindlessly pulled school stuff out of my backpack.

Patrick came right up to me and squatted down beside me. His voice was full of concern and his eyes searched my face looking for clues. “What’s going on?”

“Not much. Mrs. Marshall will post who gets the solo at lunch in the quad. So, I’m sure that Grace or Jackie will be ecstatic and we’ll hear their screams of joy echo through the halls.” I tried not to care, but I did. It was only a matter of time for that glimmer of hope that I had would be crushed.

“Hey, I think that you have just as good as chance as they do of getting it. Better even!” He tried to encourage me because he was my friend.

“Thanks, but in less than an hour, you’ll see…it was dumb of me to even try, that I really wasn’t very good and I can finally let go of any hope I was stupidly hanging on to.”

“Or… in less than an hour, you’ll find out that you
are
good and when you try, sometimes good things happen.” He smiled.

I wanted to believe him, but it would be foolish of me. “We’ll see who’s right.”

The bell rang to start class. He got up, tapped my desk and grinned. “We’ll see…”

* * *

At the end of class, I sat at my desk frozen. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go outside and face reality. It was easier to let my tiny hope flicker, than to go to the quad and have it extinguished. But, Patrick wouldn’t let me just sit there. He prodded me to get up and leave Mr. Ludlow’s room.

By the time we got to the quad, I saw a small gathering around the bulletin board. I turned away from it. I wanted to go in a different direction – any different direction. Patrick stepped in front of me. “Come on, you might as well check it now.”

“I don’t want to look and confirm what I know it says with all those people there.” My voice cracked.

He knew with one look at me that I couldn’t handle the humiliation. “Okay, we’ll wait. For now. But we’re going to check before fifth period.”

I nodded, “Fine.”

“And you’re gonna sit with the crew for lunch today. I don’t want you sitting off by your tree all alone making yourself crazy.”

I sighed. There was no point arguing. I didn’t have it in me to fight with him about it. So, I complied and followed him to the crew’s usual table. We passed a couple lunch carts on the way. He bought pizza and a drink. Food didn’t appeal to me right now, so I didn’t get anything. Besides, I knew I had a granola bar somewhere in my backpack if I got hungry.

A couple minutes later, Becca walked over. She wasn’t her usual bubbly, self-absorbed, Patrick clinging self. She looked shell-shocked.

Patrick took one look at her and rushed to her side. He took her hand and pulled her close to him. Patrick wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. He slowly pulled back to look at her face again. His voice was filled with concern. “Becks, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I can’t believe… Grace…” Her speech had a nervous energy to it.

Patrick got worried and curious. “Grace? What happened?”

She pulled back from Patrick and looked at the crew. Immediately, she turned angry. Her words were filled with a hate I had never heard before. “Your
friends.
”

There was a particular type of disdain that dripped from her lips when she said ‘friends’. I always felt like she didn’t like the crew much, but tolerated them because of Patrick – if just barely. Patrick let go of her and took a step back. He rubbed his neck and his head tilted to the left, as if he was trying to release the tension that suddenly built up in it and calm himself down. He spoke sternly, “What about them?”

“Paddy, they are always in the way. It pisses me off.” Becca snarled. She peered around Patrick at the crew.

“Are we going to have this fight again?” He sighed. “I thought we were past this.”

“If it wasn’t for Cassie, I would have made it onto varsity volleyball last year.” Becca hissed.

Cassie just rolled her eyes and didn’t engage Becca. But that just made Becca angrier. Jason moved between Cassie and Becca.

Becca was about to get into it more with Cassie when Patrick stopped her. “Leave Cassie alone.”

“God,
then
Bobby takes junior class president from Nikki.” She spewed.

Emily jumped in, “He didn’t take anything from her. It was a fair election and Bobby won. Don’t blame him because people saw Nikki for what she is.”

Bobby held onto Emily. Kraig stepped in front of Emily as Becca took a step toward her.

“Stop it, Becca.” I could tell that Patrick was trying to not yell. He talked through his teeth. “What the hell brought this on?”

“They’re always in the way! Oh, I’m not done. Don’t think that I forgot that Tony broke up with Jen.” She was on the warpath.

Now, I understood why she seemed to so ambivalent to the crew. Why she didn’t hang out with them, unless Patrick was there. And when she did it was reluctantly. She only tolerated them because of Patrick. She, apparently, liked or wanted Patrick more than she hated the rest of them.

Her intense gaze went from Tony to me. I thought it would burn through me. What the hell did I do? I barely knew her and her friends. I sat on the table, wishing I could run away.

“And now you…” She hissed at me with a new level of ferocity. I automatically cringed.

Patrick had had it. I was glad when he stood between me and Becca, it broke that evil hypnotic look. “That’s enough. Leave her alone. She hasn’t done anything to you. She’s no threat to you – she’s not into anything you are.”

“I know she’s no threat to me. She’ll never have what I want. She’s weak. Just look at her wanting to run and hide. Ready to cry.” She laughed wickedly. “Paddy, let’s go.”

“I’m
not
bailing on my friends. Don’t make me choose between them and you.” Patrick was adamant. “And you still haven’t said why you’re being this way. Tell me.
Now.
”

Becca realized she wasn’t going to get her way, Patrick wasn’t choosing her over the crew. She pouted and fumed. “Your little lab partner there…she got in Grace’s way.”

How did I do that? What the hell did that mean? Patrick glanced at me and cracked a smile. Clearly, Patrick knew something I didn’t. I wish he’d share it with me. He turned his attention back to Becca, he still was angry at her.

Becca shook her head, “I don’t know what Mrs. Marshall was thinking. She doesn’t have the voice and won’t be able to handle it.”

Patrick was quick to respond. “Yes, she does and you know it. That’s why you’re so pissed. Grace and Jackie don’t have a lock on anything anymore. Liz can handle it.”

Wait. What? I can handle what? Grace? Jackie? I felt like my head was spinning trying to make sense of what they were talking about. They weren’t saying what I thought they were saying. Were they? Did I get the solo?

Becca retorted, “You’ve known Grace longer. You’re supposed to be her friend. Support
her
.”

He volleyed back, “Why? Cause she’s one of your friends? It isn’t like you’re friends with mine. Besides, I may have known her longer, but I don’t know her very well. I’m sorry Grace didn’t get the part, but Liz was better, she deserves it.” Patrick triumphantly grinned. “You know I’m right.”

Becca gritted her teeth. “Hmph.”

Patrick gave her a hug. I guess Becca’s tantrum was over. But Becca still looked mad, like she wasn’t going to forget this anytime soon.

“I’m going to hang out with Grace.” She quickly said.

“Okay, Becks. Tell her I’m sorry that she didn’t get the part.” He was sincere.

“Yeah.” She was sarcastic and walked off after kissing Patrick on the cheek.

He turned to face the crew and his face was filled with remorse. “Sorry about that guys. Becca shouldn’t have said any of that stuff. You know that I don’t think of you like that. She’s just… Becca. I’m really sorry.”

Jason spoke for the entire crew, “Man, you don’t have to apologize for her. It’s not your fault that she’s that way. Like you said, Becca’s just Becca. But it doesn’t give her the right to go off on anyone.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Patrick apologized again.

Cassie smiled, “There is an upside…”

Jason looked at her and laughed. “Leave it to you to point out the good from Becca’s tantrum.”

Her comment instantly lightened the mood of the crew. Jason hugged her. It was a great quality that she had. I wish I had that ability.

Patrick laughed. He looked at me and was grinning ear to ear. “I guess I was right. I told you so.”

Cassie and Emily hugged me and offered me congratulations. I was dazed. Congratulations? Patrick was right? I needed confirmation.

Bobby chuckled and patted me on the back. “You’re officially part of the crew, now that you’ve pissed off Becca.”

“Bobby!” Emily slapped his arm.

“What?!” He rubbed his arm as if she could hurt him.

“You make it sound like she wouldn’t be welcome if Becca didn’t throw a hissy-fit. Liz, you gotta know that’s not true.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Bobby apologized. He laughed and put his hand on my back. “But this just gives us something else in common. Our latest initiate.”

“Thanks guys, but I’m not exactly sure why Becca is mad at me because Grace…” I didn’t want to assume anything and get my hopes up.

“Because not only did Grace lose, but she lost to you. Oh, Becca would have been mad if Grace lost to Jackie, but she wouldn’t have been as mad. She could kinda accept her losing to Jackie, but to you… That’s what got to her.” Patrick was having too much fun with the realization. “I tried to tell her. But she wouldn’t listen to me. So, in Becca’s own, not so classy…”

“Bitchy.” Emily interjected.

“Okay, bitchy.” Patrick conceded. “In her own bitchy way, she was saying that you got the solo.”

I let the words sink in. I… got… the part. I got the part. I wasn’t
bad
. I beat two really good singers. I got the solo. Oh, my god. I felt light-headed.