Falling in Love in New York (33 page)

“But why did you decide to keep me in the dark this time?” she asked then. “Why trick me into thinking the accident happened last year, instead of the year before? What was the point of that?” Then to her horror, she started to sob. “Why give me all that false hope, and let me think that I could actually get through this, when you knew that there was no chance, and I was only kidding myself! Why did you do that, Mum? Why give me false hope when you knew – you
knew
– it was all pointless?”

“It wasn’t my decision – ”

“But you’re my mother!” Abby was in full flight now, the realisation that all was lost well and truly hitting her. “Surely you couldn’t agree to such a horrible and
hurtful
deception, no matter whose decision it was! How stupid do you think I feel now?” Tears were racing down her cheeks. “I don’t know what to believe, don’t know who to trust … you’re my mother, how could you possibly agree to do something like this to me?”

“Love, of course I didn’t agree with it, but in the end I had no choice. The decision was made and although I didn’t like it one bit, everyone else agreed it might be for the best and– ”

“But what gave Hannah or the doctors or whoever …” she said, deciding that this was the most likely scenario, “what gave them to right to mess with my head! And for Christ’s sake
why
?”

Teresa’s hands were shaking. “I don’t know… I –”

“What do you mean you don’t know, surely you
must
know when you were involved in this as much as any of them. Mum, why can’t you just tell me why you did this, why you decided to turn my life upside down by lying to me like this? Why?”

Teresa looked at her, a world of hurt and regret in her eyes. “Love, only you can answer that,” she said in a small voice, “because the decision to do it was all yours.”

Abby stared at her, stunned. “What? What are you talking about? Why would
I
…
how
would I – ”

“This is why I wanted you to speak to Doctor O’Neill first,” Teresa went on quietly. “She knows more about that side of it than I do. You broached the idea and discussed it with her before you came to us.”

“
I
asked you to pretend that the accident had just happened, to pretend that a whole year had gone past without my noticing it? Why would I do something like that? And did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” Abby was flummoxed. But of course, she
hadn’t
noticed, had she? And whenever she did feel slightly wrong-footed or confused about the date, she naturally put it down to simple side effects. She’d never even entertained the notion that she might have been right! 

“As I said, Doctor O’Neill is the one to ask. All I know is that you came to me and begged me to go along with it. You told me you had your reasons, so how could I say no? I would have done anything to take away the worry and stress you were under.” She paused. “And love, you have to admit it worked. Instead of being upset about it you came out fighting and making that list seemed to give you a new lease of life. You were a different girl, a positive, optimistic and determined girl. I hadn’t seen you so vibrant and so …happy for a long time. Instead of being depressed and defeated by what had happened, you picked yourself up and went out and grabbed life with both hands. So whatever the reasons behind it was working. You hadn’t had an attack since that last one and you seemed happy and worry-free so we weren’t going to risk your progress by telling you and stressing you out all over again. But of course, we could never have anticipated your meeting Finn.”

Abby was so caught up in the explanations that she’d almost forgotten that Finn had been the one to tell her the truth about her memory loss.

“Was he in on this too?” she asked carefully, although at the same time she was now pretty sure she knew the answer.

“No, of course not. Sure, you bumped into him that time in New York and none of us knew anything about him. God no,” Teresa went on, seemingly upset by the very notion. “He had nothing to do with it all and wasn’t he the one who helped you realise that there was actually something wrong?” 

Heartened by the fact that there was still at least one person she could count on, Abby went on. “But when I found out from Finn that I was in fact losing memories, why didn’t you tell me then? Why continue with the charade?”

Teresa shook her head. “We talked to Hannah about it, and she felt that it was all still too fragile, and that if anything it might set you back even further. As it was, you were so taken with Finn and he with you that we also didn’t want to risk ruining the relationship. The two of you were so determined you could make this work…and the thing is you have. I’ll admit I was very worried at the start, and I really wanted to tell you the truth but as I said I couldn’t run the risk. What if you turned against us and didn’t believe that we were acting on your own wishes? In a way, I’m glad it’s all out in the open now.”

But Abby couldn’t share her mother’s feelings as just then, the actual significance of everything she’d told her hit her square in the solar plexus. And all her worries and insecurities about marrying Finn came rushing right back. How could they have a future if she could blackout at any stage and not remember a single thing about him or their relationship? No relationship could ever survive that surely? And in spite of Finn’s protests, she now knew for certain she that she couldn’t fight the memory loss, had never fought it, despite them both foolishly believing otherwise.

How could she expect him to live with that, to run the risk of knowing that at any stage in the future he could realistically be lost from her memory? What kind of life could they possibly have? Not a normal one, that was for sure. And Abby knew deep down that Finn was banking on her being able to fight this, that he’d convinced himself that the memory chest - the diaries and archives they were keeping and the photographs they’d take
n
would be enough. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that it might not work.

Now, that Abby knew the truth; that the two of them had been fooling themselves, she knew deep down that she couldn’t keep the reality from him.

And she realised now, she was even more terrified of how he was going to feel about it.

Later that day, Abby entered Hannah’s cosy and familiar office, understanding now why she’d felt that very strong sense of déjà vu the first time she came here (or what she’d
believed
was the first time).

From behind the desk, Hannah studied her carefully.

“So now you know,” she said evenly.

Having learnt only some of the background surrounding the deceit from her mother, Abby had immediately phoned Hannah and asked to see her. And despite the fact that it was a Sunday and out of normal hours, the other woman agreed immediately.

“Now I know,” Abby said, her mouth set in a hard line, “and I want answers.”

Hannah got up and perched on the front of her desk. “What kind of answers?”

“Well for one thing, how did this come about?
Why
did it come about? Why did you and everyone else agree to lie to me and let a whole year disappear from my life without my knowing? What was the point?”

“What do
you
think was the point?”

“For goodness sake Hannah, just answer the question for once–please!” Abby collapsed into her usual armchair, except this time its warmth and softness didn’t give her any comfort. Her eyes shone with tears. “I’m going out of my mind here.”

At this, the psychologist looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Believe me, the last thing I wanted was for this to happen.”

“Then what
did
you want? What were you trying to achieve? Was it some kind of psychological experiment? Was I the lab rat–what?”

“Of course not–that wasn’t it at all.” Hannah looked horrified at the notion. She took her usual seat directly across from Abby. “You said your mother explained about the previous bouts of epilepsy?”

“In a way. She said that every time I had a seizure, my memory would lose everything that had happened since the accident.”

Hannah nodded. “We couldn’t figure it out at first–although the doctors knew it related to the damage to your hippocampus. It was only when they sent the scans to the States last year that we became aware of the other injury–that older one I tried to get to the bottom of before,” she added eying Abby steadily, “and the Americans concluded that this had to be having some effect or interaction with the latest one.”

Something that they’d been trying to tell into her all along, Abby thought.

“Back then, Doctor Moroney mentioned the case to me initially in passing. He was understandably concerned about the damage such an injury was having on your emotional state, and then after the first seizure, he insisted on your seeing me.”

She met her eyes. “Abby, you wouldn’t believe how angry and resistant to the idea you were back then. You were suspicious of the doctors of me, your family–everyone. It’s such a horrible, scary thing to happen to someone, losing chunks of your memory like that, and naturally enough you were finding it difficult to cope. But eventually I wore you down and you started confiding in me.”

Again, Abby found it difficult to get her head around the fact that she remembered absolutely nothing at all about any of this. It was a terrifying sensation. 

“I don’t mind admitting that your condition intrigued me from the very beginning, and eventually, it got to the stage where I almost looked forward to our sessions. The damage to your brain was–
is
” she clarified, meeting Abby’s gaze, “so unique that none of us knew what you might fail to remember from one day to the next.”

“So I
was
a lab rat then?” Abby said stubbornly.

“No, of course not, that’s not what I meant. I’m trying to explain how I eventually became almost as wrapped up in your condition than you were. We’d become very close you and I, as close as a doctor and patient can be. In a word, I’d say we’d become friends. I worried when you worried. I tried to be there for you and give you as much emotional assistance as you needed, but then, when you had the second seizure, we had to go through the same process all over again.

Once more, you were distressed and distrustful when you learnt from the doctors and your family what had happened, and that you’d lost all memory since the accident, not once, but twice. You were of course wary around me too–I had to regain your approval to the point that you were comfortable discussing your feelings and condition with me.

But then, when you had the third seizure, and discovered that it
was
the third one, you started to lose hope altogether. Up until then, you’d started talking about maybe fighting it, trying to find a way to beat it somehow. But the third one took every ounce of fight out of you. As far as you were concerned any sort of effort in this regard was futile, because you were going to lose your memory again anyway. What was the point in trying to overcome it? What was the point in doing
anything
? You became depressed, and eventually you stopped coming to me altogether. As your psychologist I was concerned, but as your friend, I was worried and all I wanted to do was help.”

“So you decided to lie to me the next time I blacked out? And when I woke up, pretend that it was the first time it happened? How did that help anything?”

“No, we decided that together.”

“But why Hannah?” Abby said, shaking her head in bewilderment. “That’s the bit I really can’t understand, the bit that I’ve been trying to get my head around since I first found out about all this. What was the thinking behind it?

The psychologist took a deep breath. “Abby, how did you feel up to this morning–
before
you discovered the truth? Be honest, what would be your assessment of the last year?”

When Abby said nothing, Hannah decided to fill her in.

“Wouldn’t you say that it’s been wonderful? The best year of your life, possibly? You did so many amazing things, saw so many wonderful sights, reconnected with Erin and your family? Unlike the aftermath of the break-up with Kieran, you let them in, allowed them to help you get through this. But most significant of all–”

“I met Finn,” Abby added quietly.

“Yes, but furthermore you really believed there was a chance you could beat this,” Hannah went on. “You were
sure
you could beat it.”

“Yes, but that’s because I didn’t know the damage was permanent!” Abby argued, feeling really stupid now.

“But wasn’t this something to cling onto, the thought that you might just be able to live a normal life, that you could learn to live with it?”

Abby shook her head. “I’d
fooled
myself into believing there was hope, you mean.”

But then, almost as soon as those words were out of her mouth, the realisation hit her and she understood. She looked up and realised that Hannah was wearing a satisfied expression on her face.

“That was it?” she asked, things finally beginning to make sense. “That was why it came about? To give me back a sense of hope?”

The psychologist nodded. “How else can anyone deal with the dark times in life? There has to be some light at the end of the tunnel. You might call it fooling yourself Abby, but didn’t it indeed give you back that all-important optimism? The belief that you might be able to beat this thing fuelled everything you did this year, and gave you additional benefits that you and I could never have imagined.”

Well yes, that was true Abby admitted but now she was right back to square one, wasn’t she?

“Are you?” Hannah replied when she put this to her. “Are you really? It’s been a year since your last seizure, you’ve started living your life with unquestionable gusto and at the same time, you’ve even managed to find a failsafe way of holding onto your memories. Abby, whether you admit it or not, hope
has
given you a way to beat this thing, and not only that but through meeting Finn, you’ve also managed to move on with the rest of your life.”

At this, Abby looked away guiltily.

“What?” Hannah queried, seeing her expression.

“Not any more.” Although her tone was hard, her eyes filled with tears and her voice croaked.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to end things, Hannah. I have to. When he finds out that all of this has been a big lie.”

The other woman’s eyes widened. “But you haven’t lied to anyone, Abby! OK, so yes to a certain degree you’ve lied to yourself, but– ”

“I can’t expect him to live with this, to live with the knowledge that I could black out at any time, and end up losing all memory of our time together. It isn’t fair.”

“But he loves you, and if he knew– ”

“It doesn’t matter.” Abby interjected. “I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to be a burden on him–I can’t be.”

“Well, as your fiancé, don’t you think he should have some say in this decision?” Hannah pointed out.

“But
I
would never know!” Abby cried, the truth coming out now. “I would never know if he was staying with me out of pity, knowing that I’m a ticking time bomb and that the tiniest bit of stress might set me off. What kind of a marriage could anyone have in a situation like that? Hannah, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“Well, I’m sorry but I really think you’re making a big mistake. Finn’s partly the reason you’re doing so well Abby, probably the
main
reason you’re doing so well and –”

“Exactly! So how is it fair of me to expect him to live with the obligation of being entirely responsible for my well-being? If the situation was reversed I know I wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with it. So I’ve decided to put an end to it now, before this thing ends up destroying both of us.”

“I can’t believe you would be so willing to throw it all away–”

“I’m not willing Hannah, as far as I’m concerned I have no choice! It’s because I love him so much that I have to end it.” Abby bit back tears. “There’s no future for us– knowing what I do now.”

Hannah still seemed unconvinced. “And are you going to tell him the truth? When he comes back from Manchester are you going to tell him what you’ve learned?”

“I don’t know,” Abby lied. “I haven’t decided yet.”

When she returned to the flat, she switched on her mobile and listened to her voicemail.

“Abs, hi it’s me,” Finn said. “What’s happened, are you OK? I’m sorry I missed you earlier–I was in a meeting, but I have the phone on now, so ring me when you get this, OK? I’m worried about you…”

The mere sound of his voice sent daggers through her heart, and she knew there and then that this would have be done as quickly and remotely as possible. She would never be able to do it otherwise. She would not allow herself to see him in person otherwise she knew she would never be able to go through with it. How could she look into those kind, gentle, and seemingly fathomless brown eyes and not falter?

Playing the message once more, Abby sunk to the floor on her knees. Was she crazy doing this, like Hannah and Erin both clearly thought she was?

“Abby no,” Erin pleaded, when following her meeting with Hannah, Abby called over to her friend’s house to let her know that she now knew the truth. Having had a long heart-to-heart about it all, Erin too was worried but at the same time hugely relieved that everyone was now all out in the open.

Then Abby confessed to her friend what she’d planned.

“There must be another way,” Erin argued. “There’s always another way. He loves you and you love him. You’re getting married.”

“But how can I expect him to live with this, knowing what I do about his mother and what he went through as a child? All Finn wants is a secure and loving family, that’s all he’s ever wanted, and now I know he can never have that with me.”

“It’s not up to you to make that decision though. Finn loves you and he knows what he’s getting into.”

“No, he doesn’t,” she insisted. “As far as he’s concerned it’s still only a possibility. Who knows what he’ll think when he finds out that it’s a certainty and has been all along? Erin, I can’t put him through that and I can’t face the possibility that he’ll stay with me out of pity!”

“Well if he’s the guy I think he is, I suspect he’d do no such thing.”

“Erin, his father put up with his mother out of duty for a long time, and I know from Finn the damage it caused to the family. I can’t do the same thing to him. I just can’t. Think about it. With the way I am, we could never have kids, never have the kind of normal that like other people do.”

Erin considered this and to Abby’s relief seemed to understand her reasoning “But you can’t just break it off and say nothing. Surely he’ll wonder why it came out of the blue just like that. He won’t accept that you want to end things for no apparent reason.”

“It won’t be for no reason,” Abby said determinedly, having already considered this. “As far as he’s concerned it’ll be for a different reason entirely.”

After spending the last few hours persuading Erin (and indeed herself) that this was realistically the only course of action she could take, Abby now found herself alone in the flat, surrounded by ironically, tangible memories of the happiest time of her life.