Falling in Love in New York (31 page)

At their next session Abby couldn’t wait to tell Hannah her news.

“And you’ve set a date too?” Hannah said, “I’m so pleased for you Abby, that’s fantastic.”

Now that the families had been told, the wedding arrangements had begun in earnest and the previous weekend she and Finn had booked the church and hotel. They’d decided on a Christmas Eve wedding to mark a full year since their first meeting.

“You don’t think I’m taking a huge risk?” Abby asked tentatively. “Or should I say,
Finn’s
taking a huge risk?”

“Is that what you believe?” As usual Hannah had to answer a question with a question

Abby shrugged. “I don’t really know. We’ve managed well up to now, but my problem will always be in the background won’t it?”

“You
have
managed extremely well up to now, and from what you’ve told me, Finn sounds like the kind of man who knows exactly what he’s doing.”

Abby smiled, gratified by this.

“Anyway, all relationships and marriages face challenges of one kind or another, Abby. Yours is unusual certainly but at the same time it’s evidently not insurmountable.”

Then she sat back in the armchair and crossed her legs. “Now let me ask you something. Do you remember back when we first met, and you were recovering from not only your head injury, but also a broken relationship?”

“Of course.” Unlike before, Abby wasn’t at all self-conscious about the subject this time.

“Well, how do you feel about all of that now?”

“About Kieran?” she clarified, exhaling deeply. “Looking back now, I can’t believe how much of an effect it all had on me. I’d let myself sink to such depths of despair, I never went out, never did anything interesting, was
definitely
no fun to be around …” She shook her head. “Caroline was right. I’d shied away from living my life.” 

Abby chuckled softly, thinking about all the wonderful experiences she’d had over the last year, not just the travel or the time she’d spent with Finn, but also the little things, like reconnecting with her family and Erin or something as simple as trying out new food in a restaurant.

It had been a huge journey of self-discovery and through it all, Abby had come to realise just how much the people closest to her mattered. Not to mention that she’d gained a spectacular wardrobe, a keen appreciation for fashion and was even a bit of an expert on gambling!

When she explained this to Hannah, the other woman smiled.

“And that girl–the one you just described as having shied away from life? How did she come to be like that?” she asked, her tone level and Abby thought, a bit studied? “
Was
it just a broken heart?”

“No,” she replied firmly, having come to this realisation some time ago. “Kieran was bad for me, or perhaps we were bad for each other, I don’t know. He was strict with money, so
I
was strict with money, even though I know I wasn’t always like that. Then, his food foibles gradually became my food foibles. We could never go out to eat anywhere because when we did his fickleness became so uncomfortable that there was no point. I can see all this now, even though this time last year I would never in a million years have admitted that he had that sort of influence on me,” she said, feeling a bit naïve. “As far as I was concerned, he was all I wanted, the love of my life, which was why I was so devastated when he left.”

“And do you still feel that way now?”

“Devastated?” Abby shook her head firmly. “Not at all, in fact now I know he actually did me a favour.” She grinned feebly. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing.”

“So you now believe the relationship–ultimately–was bad for you?”

Abby was surprised by the conversation’s complete change in direction. Instead of discussing her and Finn, Hannah now seemed to be unusually interested in Kieran and her feelings towards him. Since that first time, the psychologist had hardly made mention of her old boyfriend and if she had, it was usually only in passing. Still, she supposed they were valid enough questions, given how badly she’d taken the break up.

“I would never have said it at the time, but yes, I would have to agree that the relationship was bad for me.”

“In the sense that…?”

“In the sense that we became too dependent on one another, or should I say,
I
became too dependent on him and his approval. As I said before, he could be … difficult with money and certain other things, and I suppose I should have put my foot down more. We both earned reasonably good salaries yet while all our friends were out enjoying life, we were sitting at home watching DVDs. But at the time, I wanted to be him with no matter what. To break it all down to basics, I loved him and wanted to keep him happy.”

Hannah nodded, and seemed to be pondering something. “Difficult question I know, but how does your relationship with Kieran compare to the one you now have with Finn?”

Abby smiled. “There’s a world of difference. I don’t know, with Finn, he kind of … well, it’s difficult to pin down but it’s like he lets me be myself. I don’t have to agree with his outlook or everything he says, whereas Kieran used to take offence to my not going along with what he wanted.”

“Controlling you mean?”

Abby’s looked up. That was the second time someone had used that word to describe him. “Well, that’s quite a strong word, but I suppose it was something like that, yes.”

“So you ended up being the kind of person he wanted you to be, instead of being yourself?”

“Yes, sounds sad, doesn’t it? Sad pathetic I mean.”

“Not really. You two were together for a long time, so naturally some form of convergence would take place–by this I mean that couples often adopt each other’s ways, sometimes even mannerisms. It’s a form of consensus. I’m sure Kieran adopted some of your traits too.”

Abby shook her head. “Nope.”

“Really? That’s interesting.”

For some reason, Abby felt once again obliged to defend him. “Look, it wasn’t a fault on Kieran’s part, I actually think he was just a much stronger personality that I am. He wasn’t horrible about it or anything.”

“I can imagine,” Hannah said, before adding smoothly. “But he must have been difficult to argue with.”

Now Abby felt a little defensive. Why all these questions about Kieran all of a sudden? What did he have to do with anything now?

“We didn’t argue much actually,” she said quickly, her expression closing.

“Well, that’s good.” Hannah smiled, almost as if she hadn’t noticed the subtle change in mood, but yet Abby suspected she had. “And good that we’ve established that you’re finally over Kieran now.”

“Definitely.” Abby crossed her arms, doing her best to signify to Hannah that she didn’t want to continue the conversation.

But the psychologist had another question for her.

“Abby, there’s one thing about your brain injury that’s always troubled us, and as it seems to be the very thing that’s making your condition so unpredictable, it would be good to get to the bottom of it.”

“What’s that?” Abby frowned, not sure what she was getting at. She didn’t think too much about the mechanics of her brain or the injury any more. Now that she’d had a good handle on how things worked, it seemed rather pointless.

“Well, you remember the secondary injury surely, the older trauma that appears to have a bearing on the newer one?”

“Yes.” Although in truth, Abby had pretty much forgotten all about that. At this stage it hardly seemed relevant.

“So now that some … time has passed and you’ve gained emotional distance, do you have any idea, any idea at all where you might have got that older injury?” When she said nothing, Hannah prompted further. “Maybe a bump on the head from a fall or possibly a …”

Now Abby stared at her, finally understanding what she was getting at.

“Oh my God,” she exclaimed. “You think that
Kieran
did something? That he could have …”

But Hannah said nothing and by the look on her face, Abby knew that this was
exactly
what the other woman thought.

“My God! I can’t believe you would say something, even
think
something like that!” she cried. “OK, so Kieran wasn’t perfect I know that now, but he would never,
ever
do anything to hurt me in the way you’re thinking. No way!” Abby was horrified, horrified by the notion and incredibly angry with Hannah for even considering such a thing.

“I’m sorry,” the psychologist said now. “And I don’t need a degree in psychology to tell me that I’m obviously very much mistaken. Forgive me, but I had to ask the question.”

“Well, you had a hell of a cheek Hannah!” Abby was still flabbergasted. “How could you accuse me of being some … some kind of battered girlfriend, or something? As if anything like that
did
happen to me that I’d just sit there and take it, or worse keep it a secret! I’m not stupid you know.”

“I do know that, and again I’m very sorry.”

The two of them sat in silence for the next few minutes, Abby still appalled with Hannah for even thinking such a thing. But grudgingly, she could perhaps understand why she’d considered something like it all the same. By her own admission, Kieran had had a bit of a hold on her, and the older injury still remained a mystery. No one still seemed to have any clue as to how she’d come by it.

Finally, Hannah spoke again.  

“Just one more question about Kieran if you don’t mind. Don’t worry, it’s nothing like that,” she added quickly, seeing Abby’s wide-eyed expression. “I just wondered, seeing as he was obviously someone of great importance in your life, if you happened to bump into Kieran now on the street some day, how do you think you’d react?”

Although she was annoyed that Hannah had persisted, she couldn’t dispute that this question was a good one, and if Abby was being truthful, not one she’d really considered herself lately. What would she say, and how would she react if she happened to bump into Kieran now?

But there was only one real answer to that.

Abby smiled. “It wouldn’t affect me in the slightest,” she replied confidently.

Things to remember:

1.
       
Put your rubbish out on Sunday night

2.
      
Your next appointment with Hannah is on Monday at ten

3.
      
My flight’s back around lunchtime on Monday

4.
     
Take two sugars in your coffee!

5.
      
I love you

Finn xxx

Abby smiled as she read the list that Finn had left for her on the fridge. It was Sunday morning and he had left for a work-related event in Manchester the night before.

Although they weren’t yet living together, lately he’d taken to leaving little notes and reminders like that around her flat, some tongue-in-cheek, but others a genuine effort to help her remember small but important pieces of information when he wasn’t around. Like when to put the rubbish out or put sugar in her coffee, which try as she might, she just kept on forgetting to do.

But there was no fear of her forgetting her appointment with Hannah on Monday as all Abby’s appointments and meetings were recorded in her electronic diary, as of course was the time and date of Finn’s return.

And although they had the occasional hiccup now and again, for the most part things were still going great. Her habit of detailing everything that happened day-to-day had literally saved her, and she didn’t know what she’d do without those records, particularly when it came to everything that had happened between her and Finn.

As they now saw each other pretty much every day, her memory had that necessary continuity so she was to all intents and purposes functioning perfectly normally in everyday life. Something she was hugely proud of.

Still at the same time, there was no doubt that her reliance on those records occasionally made her feel vulnerable, especially where she and Finn were concerned.

She smiled, recalling the DVD he’d had made of his marriage proposal, which she’d watched many times since.

It was one memory Abby really wished she’d been able to retain of her own accord, because whatever about seeing it on film, or reading back from her diaries, there was no way at all of capturing and reliving the overwhelming happiness she’d felt at the time.

Granted she had a pretty good idea, watching back the entire romantic scenario he’d arranged was still enough to set her off blubbing, but she’d give anything to be able to relive that night, the look in Finn’s eyes when he asked her to marry him, the magic and wonder of it all when those hundreds of rose petals began cascading onto the boat.

But that was the way things were now, and no matter how difficult it was or how much she wanted things to be different, it just wasn’t possible.

She was enjoying all the wedding preparations too, even though the day itself was a while off. It was horrifying to think that she might not remember a thing about her wedding day other than what she managed to diarise immediately afterwards, but of course there would also be a DVD.

It was things like this that sometimes made Abby terribly frustrated about her condition and bitter about what had happened to her. But at the same time, how could she be that bitter when her problems had inadvertently led her to Finn?

Since meeting him she’d been happier than she’d ever been in her life, debilitating brain injury or not. And she knew without question that her wedding day would be the happiest day of her life, so who cared if she couldn’t record every little detail?

Most
normal
people didn’t get the chance to sift through the details and distil every moment down to the best and most important things like she did, so again, maybe she should look at this as a positive thing.

It was certainly the way Finn wanted her to look at it anyway.

She just wished her Mum could be as upbeat. Why was she still so worried about her? And time hadn’t softened Pat Maguire’s opinion either; the older man still making no secret of his belief that Finn was taking on too much of a burden in marrying Abby, something that was difficult for her to take.

Because she wondered the very same thing every single day.

Having had a nice lie-in till twelve, she eventually got up and threw on a pair of comfy tracksuit bottoms and grey zip-up top.

Today she was going to enjoy just slobbing about and taking it easy. Not that she’d done much else these last few months, she thought wryly. She’d really have to think again about going back to work soon, definitely after the wedding anyway.

She and Hannah had talked about this again recently, and while the psychologist still stood by her original suggestion that she should take at least a year out, Abby was bored.

While recently she’d had the wedding plans to occupy her, now pretty much everything was done. The church and hotel were booked, flowers and dresses ordered so really all she and Finn had to do now was turn up on the day. Abby smiled. And book their honeymoon of course. There was one thing on her list that she hadn’t yet managed to do, one major destination she desperately wanted to visit, and perhaps the best part of it all would be that for this one, Finn would be joining her.

“All the way down there just to see a couple of dopey penguins?” he’d laughed, when she’d told him she wanted to go to the South Pole on their honeymoon.

Abby smiled. Who would have thought that things would have changed so much for her in such a short space of time?

This time last year she’d been holed up in her apartment, hiding away from the world and from all that life had to offer. Now, as a result of her head injury, she’d done the most amazing things, had seen the most amazing sights and through meeting and fallen in love with Finn had undergone the most unforgettable experience of all.

She sat on the edge of the sofa and laced up her trainers. How would she have got through all this without him–or more importantly–how would she continue to get through it? He was the one who’d helped her overcome the worst of it, and who’d made her understand that her problems didn’t have to be the end of the world.

Granted, they still had some challenges ahead of them, but as Hannah had pointed out recently, didn’t all couples?

She just wished she could be sure that what she was experiencing now was the full extent of her memory decline, and that she wouldn’t get worse as time went on.

The last time she’d spoken to the Doctor Moroney, the neurologist seemed reasonably confident that the two week grace period she currently had before her memories started to fade away seemed to be fairly consistent, which was borne out by the little experiments she and Finn often carried out.

“Now, I know this is hard, but try to keep away from overly stressful situations at all costs,” the doctor had emphasised during her last check-up. “It’s a common known fact that stress can put undue pressure on brain function.”

Continuity was hugely important, particularly when it came to her and Finn’s situation, which was why Abby was slightly nervous about his trip to Manchester. This would be the first time they’d be spending a couple of days apart from one another and she was afraid of her life that something might happen while he was away. And judging by the note on the fridge, evidently Finn was worried too.

But life with him was so laidback that stress was unlikely. What would it have been like if she’d never met him? OK, so she would have worked through her list and enjoyed every minute of it, and as a result would still have grown closer to Erin and family, but would that still hold true if they, and not Finn, had been the ones to eventually tell her the truth?

If Abby hadn’t met him that time in New York and again back here in Dublin, who knew how long the fantasy that her memory was fine would have been upheld?  Would she ever have discovered the extent of her problems without meeting him, and if she had, how would she have coped?

It was all academic now of course, but at the same time, it merely brought home to Abby how important Finn was to her and how lucky she was to have him. And Lucy too, of course, she thought smiling. Again, another complete turnaround, this time with her fear of dogs.

She and Hannah had since tried to uncover the root behind that too, but it was becoming clearer and clearer to Abby as time went by that before the accident, she’d had an irrational fear of pretty much everything! But as to where this particular anxiety had stemmed from, she really hadn’t a clue. All she knew was that the Labrador, through her lovely gentle ways had helped her overcome it, and that was enough for her.

She picked up her keys and checked that her purse contained enough money to buy the Sunday papers and a litre of milk before heading out to the shops. Blast it, she thought as she headed in the direction of the corner shop, she’d better get some tampons too, her period was due today, and she had no supplies left.

Which meant that a trip to the cash-point was in order first.

It was a lovely, clear October day and Abby had a spring in her step as she walked to the end of the road and in the direction of the nearest ATM.

There was a small queue ahead of her and as she waited obediently in line to use it, she began daydreaming yet again about her and Finn’s upcoming honeymoon to Antarctica. It would be fantastic and such a great start to their life together, she mused, a smile on her face.

In fact, she was so caught up in these pleasant thoughts that she barely noticed that the queue had very quickly dispersed and it was now her turn to use the machine.

A tap at her shoulder quickly brought her out of her reverie.

“Excuse me, are you waiting to use this?” a man asked.

At the sound of the voice, every single nerve ending stood to attention and Abby stood rooted to the spot, almost afraid to move.

It couldn’t be … could it?

Time seemed to stand still, and so did Abby as she tried to get her head around what was happening. Numbly, she finally turned around and came face to face with …

“Kieran?”

“Oh!” her ex replied, evidently just as taken aback as she was. “Em, hello Abby,” he mumbled. “I …em …didn’t recognise you.”

Contrary to what she’d assured Hannah and indeed what she’d believed herself, all the old insecurities came flooding back at once. Her hair was unwashed and greasy, she had no make-up on and was wearing the most hideous grey zip top, the first thing that had come to hand that morning.

But her embarrassment about her appearance wasn’t just brought on by Kieran’s presence; it had in fact, much more to do with his companion.

Or should she say
companions.

Kieran’s wife Jessica was watching her with undisguised interest. The two women had never come face to face before, and Jessica was undoubtedly wondering why on earth Kieran had taken so long to break it off with a girl who was clearly no competition.

Abby however, barely noticed this; she was too busy staring at the buggy sitting between them.

“You have a child?” she gasped, stepping backwards in horror as she stared from the child back to Kieran, an avalanche of emotions crashing over her, followed just as quickly by a rush of questions.

It was just over a year since her accident, so Kieran and Jessica could only be married a year too, but this child … this child was–

“Yes his name is Alan and he’s almost one,” Jessica supplied, confirming Abby’s horrified suspicions and the faint smugness in her tone validating them even further. Her mind reeling, Abby scrambled to get her bearings.

Almost a year old … But he and Jessica had only got married last year, which had to mean … it
must
mean …

“I’m sorry I have to go,” she cried, suddenly desperate to get away from them.

“But don’t you want to…?” Abby was moving so fast she barely heard Kieran call out something about the ATM, and she knew he and Jessica were probably a bit taken aback by her sudden haste to get away from them.

No scratch that, why
would
they be taken aback? It was much more likely that they were now laughing at her, laughing their heads off over what she was too stupid to realise at the time. Kieran and Jessica had a one year old son …

She’d been right all along; Kieran
had
betrayed her, despite all his bullshit about doing the right thing, the honourable thing, by saying he was breaking up with her before he and Jessica would get together. Honourable my foot! And to think that she’d given him that, had respected him for it even, despite the fact that he was breaking her heart in two. How could he be so callous and deceitful?

Abby felt like she had lead in her veins as she tried to put enough distance between her and the man she’s spent so long trying to forget. But now having discovered the full extent of his betrayal, all the old grief came rushing back. A one-year old son… Which meant that the child
must
have been conceived way before they split up… Abby tried to remember back that far, tried to recall what Kieran’s behaviour had been like at the time and–