Falling Up (20 page)

I take in a big breath and then slowly exhale.

“And you're not going to believe this, Kim.” Her voice actually sounds very happy now. And I'm thinking, you're right, I'm not going to believe this.

“But Ben wants to do the right thing. He asked me to marry him, Kim. Can you believe it? We're going to get married! And I want you as my maid of honor. I'm just so happy. And its all because of you!”

Okay, now I feel sick or like someone just jerked the floor out from under me, and I can't even respond.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah,” I manage to say “I guess I'm just shocked, Nat. I mean, this is so sudden.”

“Aren't you happy for me?”

I take in another breath. I really do NOT want to blow this. Besides, I am happy for the sake of the baby and Nat's mental health. “Yes, I AM happy for you, Nat. This is incredible.”

“And so you'll be my maid of honor?”

“Uh, yeah, of course. I'm just so stunned. It's a lot to process, you know.”

“I know. I still think I dreamed the whole thing.”

I want to ask her if she's absolutely sure that she didn't. Is it possible she really had the abortion and is just hallucinating from the painkiller? We talk a little bit more, and I try to sound enthused, but all I can think is this is a big mistake. For one thing, Ben doesn't love her. For another thing, they are both like seventeen. How do you start a marriage when you're not even out of high school yet?

Friday, July 19

Nat has not only returned to her old self, but she's also returned to God. And while I know I should be EXTREMELY happy for this—elated and ecstatic—I mostly feel just plain confused. Of course, I don't let on to her. I try to act like I'm with her, like I think the idea of her and Ben getting married during their senior year of high school is a brilliant plan. But all I can think is that it's totally crazy. It reminds me of some of the letters I get for the column.

Natalie finally told her mom. Actually, she and Ben told her mom together. And I have to give it to Ben— that was a pretty honorable thing for him to do. I seriously doubt that Nat could've done it on her own. And as hurt and angry as Mrs. McCabe was—and Nat
said she definitely was—she did choose to forgive them. Well, as long as they agreed to go in and see her friend Marge for marriage counseling, and then get married ASAP.

After that, and Natalie said this was the hardest part, they went to Ben's parents and informed them.

“Oh, man, Km,” she told me yesterday. “You should've seen their faces. I honestly thought they were going to blow sky high.”

“Did they?”

“Not exactly. His mom got real quiet, and Mr. O'Conner excused himself for a while. It was pretty awful. Then everyone started crying, and Ben told them how sorry he was and how he wished he could've been more like Caitlin. It was really pretty sad.”

“I can imagine.”

“But I think they're okay,” she said brightly.

“Okay?”

“Well, they weren't too sure about us getting married. They made that perfectly clear. And to be honest, I was a little offended. It's like I'm not good enough for—”

“Oh, I doubt it's that. I'm sure they're just worried about how young you guys are and—”

“Well, we're old enough to have a baby,” she said. “I guess we're old enough to get married. My mom wasn't much older than me when she got married.”

I don't remind her it was a marriage that failed.

“Anyway,” she continued happily, “Ben really stood up for me. He insisted it was the right thing to do, and
he said it was his decision and he hoped that they'd support him on it.”

“And will they?”

She shrugged. “I think they'll come around…in time.”

For now, I realize I have to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself about this. I know it wouldn't do any good for me to rain on Natalie's parade. And crud, she's been through so much already, why would I want to spoil this?

Since Natalie's story is quickly becoming “old news,” I realize it's time to tell my dad. And he's understandably stunned when I tell him.

“That's the friend who is pregnant?” He looks incredulous. “But what about her religious convictions? What about her abstinence pledge?”

I just shake my head. “Promises get broken sometimes, Dad.”

“Poor Mrs. McCabe,” he says in a typical parental reaction. “This must be hard on her.”

“Yeah. It is.” I don't remind him that it's been pretty hard on me too.

“So what's our Nat going to do?” He rubs his chin and frowns.

So I tell him about the almost-abortion. He doesn't seem surprised, but then he's a newspaper man; he's heard it all.

Then he reaches over and pats me on the back. “No wonder you were having such a hard time, Kimmy. That must've been a heavy load to carry. It makes me even
more glad that I shipped you off to Grandmas.”

“Grandma was a real comfort,” I tell him, wondering if this is the time to share her story.

“So if Natalie's decided to have the baby, does that mean she plans to keep it, or will she consider giving it up for adoption?”

And so I tell him about the marriage idea.

“You're kidding?”

“Nope. It sounds completely crazy to me, Dad. But they seem totally serious about it.”

“I'm glad it sounds crazy to you, Kim. That's a great comfort to a fathers weary heart.”

“But Natalie seems certain that it's going to happen,” I continue. “They've already told their parents.”

“And their parents agree?”

“Mrs. McCabe does. I'm not sure about Ben's parents.”

Now Dad hugs me. “I'm just glad I'm not in their shoes, Kim. And when I remember how I thought that pregnancy test kit was yours.” He lets go of me and just shakes his head. “Well, I'm so sorry, sweetie.”

“It was understandable, Dad.” I'm still thinking about his mother s story and trying to decide if now is the time. But the phone rings and it turns out to be Matthew.

“Hey, Km, I'm back in the country!” he says happily.

“Welcome home!”

“Well, not actually home yet. We're in New York for the night. We're going to see a Broadway show tonight.”

“Cool.”

“I can't wait to see you, babe.”

“Yeah,” I try to echo his enthusiasm.

“Our flight gets in at five tomorrow. I thought maybe you'd like to go out with me later. I can tell you all about it.”

“Sounds great,” I tell him.

But when I hang up, I'm not so sure. It feels like something in me has changed in regard to Matthew. I mean, I still care about him, but I'm just not sure….

Wednesday, July 24

I broke up with Matthew last weekend. I'm still kind of in shock that I actually did it. But I believe it was the right thing to do. I didn't break up on the first night he came home. That would've been mean.

“Why?” he asked me on Sunday night, after I gently broke the news. “Did you find someone else? Some hunk sweep you off your feet down in Florida?” I could tell by his tone that he felt bad.

I attempted a laugh. “No, not at all. That's crazy. To be totally honest, it's a God-thing, Matthew.”

“Meaning that God thinks I'm not good enough for

“No, that's not it, Matthew. I just got a very strong sense that God doesn't want me to date right now.”

“Not anyone? Never?”

“Not right now. I'm not sure what comes later on. But for now, I don't think God wants me to date anyone.”

“Man!” He actually smacked his fist into the steering wheel of his truck. “And to think of what I gave up in Copenhagen.”

“Copenhagen?”

He rolled his eyes. “I met this girl…Anna. We hung together for a couple of days, and she was pretty cool.”

“Oh.”

“And she was into me.”

“Well, maybe you can write to her,” I said meekly, fighting an unexpected wave of jealousy.

“I didn't get her address.” He shook his head sadly.

Okay, I was feeling a little irked. I mean, here I was breaking up with him, and he was obsessing over this girl he met in Europe. What was up with that? “I can't believe you. You're mad at me because you missed some big opportunity with Anna?”

“That's not what gets me. I just can't believe I was over there being faithful to you when I could've had—” He stopped himself.

“Go ahead. When you could've had what. Matthew?”

He let loose with a foul word, one he knows I find offensive. “You know what I mean, Km. This girl was really into me—we could've had some fun. But I thought, ‘No way, I have a girlfriend back home. I'm going to be faithful to her.' And this is what it gets me.”

I was glad that his pickup was parked in front of my
house, because I was about ready to jump out and run inside. Instead, I prayed that God would give me the right words.

“I'm sorry, Matthew,” I told him in an even tone. “I honestly didn't see this coming. And it's not even that easy for me. You've been a really good friend to me. A great boyfriend. And it's not your fault—”

“Of course it's not my fault. I didn't do anything to mess this up.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I know. And I really am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me—”

“That's for you Christians to do,” he snapped. “Us heathens, well, we can just be mad if we want.”

“I hate seeing us ending like this,” I said as I reached for the door handle.

“Yeah, me too.” He turned and looked away.

So I told him good-bye and got out of the truck and walked toward my house. I almost expected him to jump out and say that he was sorry, that he understood what I was going through, that he was really okay with this, and maybe we could still be friends. But he just started his engine, then gunned it and took off with tires squealing down the street. And I started to cry.

I went straight to my room, surprised that I was feeling so bad about this. I mean, it was my decision to break up, wasn't it? Why was I the one crying?

But I know why now. It's because I've hurt Matthew, and that feels horrible. He's been so good to me. Oh, sure, he wasn't perfect. But he never did anything to hurt
me. And I hurt him. And that makes me feel sick.

Does that mean I should get back together with him? I carefully consider this. Have I made a mistake?

But deep down inside, I know God wanted me to do this. And I know I have been obedient. And just because it doesn't feel good doesn't mean it was wrong. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

Thursday, August 1

Everyone pretty much knows about Ben and Natalie now. There's been a real mix of reactions. Of course, some were totally shocked. Like Torrey, for instance. I heard, via Natalie, that she threw a complete hissy fit and then left town to go stay with her aunt in California for the rest of summer break. Can't say that I blame her. I mean, if it hurt that much just breaking up with Matthew (when it was my choice), how much more would it hurt to find out that your boyfriend had gotten another girl pregnant? I'm praying for Torrey.

Our youth group was amazingly understanding when the word leaked out. I think Cesar was instrumental in this. Even so, Ben hasn't been back yet. I think it's hard for him still.

Josh and Caitlin will return from Mexico next week. According to Pastor Tony's announcement at midweek service last night, they believe that God has called them to be missionaries in their hometown for the time being. Josh will return to his position as youth pastor, and
Caitlin will assist him and also oversee the children's ministry. I'm not sure if their decision has anything to do with Ben, but I suspect it might've played into things. Anyway, I, for one, will be glad to have them back. They just seem so grounded—and I think we could use that.

Matthew hasn't called me once since the breakup, and I haven't run into him anywhere in town. And I have to admit, there have been times when I've really questioned myself. Like did I really hear God on this? And if so, why am I feeling so miserable now? Because I really do miss Matthew—a lot!

I keep having these flashbacks, recalling all the fun times we had together. And there are moments when I don't really understand why I needed to break it off. But then I remember that it was God's leading, and I do have peace about that. But it's a peace that's wrapped in pain. And I don't completely get that.

I will be so glad when Caitlin is back. I really want to talk to her. I think she'll understand what I'm going through.

Lately, it feels as if I have too much time on my hands. Sort of like the girl who wrote this letter, although I don't think I'd be tempted to do what she's been doing.