Falling Up (21 page)

Monday, August 5

I started working at the newspaper office this week. I'm filling in for the receptionist for two weeks while she takes her vacation time. My dad thought it was a good idea, and I have to agree with him. A cool thing happened today, something that made me realize that God might be using my column.

“Is my dad in?” asked a familiar-looking girl. Then I recognized the long, curly auburn hair and remembered.

“Casey?”

She smiled. “Do I know you?”

‘Tm Kim. Allen Petersons daughter.”

“Oh, yeah.” She smiled. “It's been a while, huh? I thought you were like the new receptionist or something.”

“I'm just filling in while Gail's on vacation. And your dad's not here right now. He went to a meeting at city hall. His secretary probably knows when he'll be back.”

She nodded but just stood there, as if trying to decide what to do.

“So, how are you doing?” I asked, looking directly into her eyes. I'd totally forgotten all about that last letter she penned to Just Jamie a few months ago. She had sounded so depressed at the time that I'd been worried. But then my life got too crazy, and I just lost track.

“Okay.”

“So, what have you been up to this summer?” I continued, curious as to how she was really doing. “Planning any great vacations?”

“Actually, I just got back from this really cool camp.” And then she proceeded to tell me about this Young Life camp that sounded amazing.

“Wow, I think I'd like to go there.”

Her eyes got big. “You would probably like it, Kim. I mean, it was really fun and everything, but it wasn't just all the stuff they had to do… I mean, it's like a life-changing thing too.”

“Cool.” Now, even though we don't have Young Life at my school, I know that it's a Christian organization, so
I'm wondering if that's what she's talking about. “Maybe I should mention it to our youth group leader. Maybe we can go there sometime.”

She looked at me closely “Are you a Christian?”

I nodded and smiled.

“Cool!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Very cool.”

“I am too. I mean, I made a commitment. It's only been a couple of weeks. But I can tell that I'm really changing. I'm lots happier and stuff.”

“That's great, Casey. I'm so happy for you.”

Then her dad walked in the front door. So we said good-bye and promised to talk more later. And I just about did a happy dance in my chair because I was so thankful that God had gotten a hold of Casey Snow! And then I remembered how she'd been on my prayer list for a while last spring. Back before my little meltdown when I quit praying and got shipped off to Grandma's to recover. But it made me think that God really was listening to me—even when it didn't really feel like it.

Thursday, August 15

Natalie and I met for lunch today. She brought along some wedding magazines to look at, and I tried to feign enthusiasm, but in the end she could see right through me.

“You're not happy for us, are you, Kim?”

“I am,” I say weakly. “I'm glad that you guys are working this out. And I'm glad that you're having the baby.”

“But what? You seem like something's bugging you.”

“I don't know… “ I pick up my water glass and try to think of something harmless I can say. “I guess it's a lot to take in. I mean, here my best friend is getting married, having a baby, and we haven't even graduated from high school yet. It sort of blows my mind, Nat.”

She nods. “Yeah, it's kinda weird. I'll admit that. And it's not like anything I ever would've planned on. But you know what they say—when life hands you lemons.

“Make lemonade.”

“I just want you to be happy for me, Kim. For us. I really need you right now.”

“I know.” I force what I hope is a believable smile. “And I am here for you. You know that. And I'll do whatever I can to help. Have you guys picked a date for the wedding yet?”

“Well, as you can imagine, my mom would've liked us to have gotten married like yesterday. She's so worried about what people—mainly her church friends—are going to think. But I think everyone will know what's up, so it's not like we really have to rush it too much. And besides, celebrities, like Britney Spears, do this all the time. The thing is, I don't want to have to wear a maternity wedding gown, so I'm thinking maybe in September. What do you think?”

I think I want to scream. And the bit about Britney—
give me a break! Instead I bite my tongue and say, “September sounds good.”

“Yeah, it's not so hot. And I was thinking maybe you could wear yellow or gold.”

“I don't look very good in yellow,” I say. Like it matters.

“Well, maybe orange then. I want a fall color.”

“Will you get married in your church?”

“We haven't really decided. Ben said maybe his Uncle Tony would want to do the ceremony. And I guess that would mean your church.”

“And Ben's parents are okay with it?”

Natalie frowns slightly. “They're still kind of struggling with the whole thing. It's not like we've really gotten their blessing yet.”

“Oh.”

“But that won't stop us.” She brightens. “Ben says he's committed to this. He's ready to be a husband and a father. He knows it's the right thing to do.”

“Uh-huh.” I pretend to be very interested in the last remnants of my taco salad.

“I know this isn't going to be easy,” Natalie continues. “But we've got to make the best of it.”

I look up and smile. “You're right, Nat. And we will.”

But as I walk back to the newspaper office, I just don't see how. For the life of me, I can't imagine two seventeen-year-old kids pulling off not just a marriage, but parenting an infant. It's just absurd. But I know enough to keep these thoughts to myself. Instead I pray
for them. I pray that God will lead them and show them what's really right to do. And admittedly, I don't even know what that is. For all I know, they could be right on track. It just doesn't seem like it.

Sunday, September 1

I'm actually glad that summer is nearly over. I think I need the routine of school in my life. Naturally, I wouldn't admit this to any of my peers, because they'd think that was totally weird—like how can she really like school? But I do.

The only drawback to the fact that it's now September is the BIG wedding, which actually won't be very big since only family and very close friends are invited—although the invitations haven't been sent yet. I'm supposed to help Nat with this little project tomorrow.

The wedding date is set for Saturday, September 21. Pastor Tony will officiate, and the ceremony will be in our church with a reception to follow in the basement. “A very inexpensive reception,” Natalie's mom informed
us last week. “Everything about this wedding will be inexpensive.”

“Caitlin is helping me with the details,” Nat told me a couple of weeks ago. “She's like a wedding expert.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Her wedding was so beautiful.” What I don't say is that Caitlin's wedding, in my opinion, was truly beautiful because she and Josh did it the right way. Unlike the backwards way that Nat and Ben are doing it. So many things that a maid of honor must not say

But this is what I'm learning—as I watch my best friend doing things that I don't quite understand or accept—it's her life, not mine. And if she asks for my advice, I can give it—in love. Although I have absolutely no control as to whether she would take it or not. But I don't need to obsess over Nat's life, or what I feel certain must be a huge mistake. Because it's her mistake. Not mine. And for all I know, it might not be a mistake at all. It's not like I can read God's mind.

I guess I'm learning to let go and let God. I talked to Caitlin about this very thing last week when she invited me to have lunch in their new apartment—which I have to say is totally cool. And when I commented on her fabulous-looking decor, she just laughed.

“Compliments of Target and Beanies thrift store finds,” she confessed. “And a few goodies we picked up south of the border.”

“Well, it looks awesome.”

“Thank you.” She picked up a bright-colored pillow and fluffed it. “We had so much fun unpacking all our
wedding gifts and things after we got home from

Mexico. It was just like Christmas!”

“I'm so glad you guys decided to come back.” “It was the right thing to do,” she said as she set a homemade quiche in the center of a very chic-looking dining table. “A God-thing, you know?”

I nodded as I sat down. “Yeah, I think I do know.” Then she sat down and said a blessing. “Dig in.” After a few bites and some general catch-up kind of conversation, I decided to get to what was bothering me.

“Can I be totally honest with you about something?” “Of course.” She buttered a piece of French bread.

“And you can even have client confidentiality.” She looked up and smiled. “If you need it, that is.”

“I do. Thanks.” Then I took in a breath. “Its about Natalie and Ben.”

She nodded. “That was my guess.”

“Well, I'm sure you've heard the whole story by now.”

She nodded again. “Yes. Ben told Josh and me everything while we were still down at the mission. And

I know it wasn't easy for him either.”

“Ben's really trying to do the right thing. I don't know if he told you how messed up Natalie was after all this happened. She totally fell away from God and wanted an abortion…and there were times when I think she was even suicidal. It was awful.”

“I'm not sure that Ben knew all that.”

“She pretty much kept it to herself, well, and me.”

“That's a lot to carry.”

“I know. It was really getting to me.” Then I give her a quick rundown of my trip to Florida and my last night there.

“That is so cool, Kim. What a great story!”

“Yeah, it was amazing. And its helped me a lot in dealing with Nat. But still… “

“You're worried about her.”

“I'm worried about both of them. I mean, I totally realize it's their lives and their problems, not mine, but I just think they're making a big mistake.”

“You mean by getting married?”

I nodded without speaking.

“Okay, can I have confidentiality too, Kim?”

“Of course.”

“We're not convinced it's the right thing for them either. Josh has really been counseling with Ben since we came home. Actually with both of them. But Natalie, well, she's in a tough spot being pregnant and all. We understand how that could make her feel really desperate.”

“Totally desperate. She was a basket case.”

“Right. And like you said, its their decision, not ours. We're just trying to give them the information and tools to help make sure they're making the right decision.”

I wanted to make sure we were really on the same page here. “So just because they're going to have a child, you guys don't think that means they have to get married?”

“We don't think that two wrongs can make a right. Not that we know it's wrong for them to get married. But we do see some red flags.”

“Yeah. So do I.” I sighed.

“So, if it makes you feel any better, we're not back behind the curtains pushing for them to get married.”

“It does make me feel better.”

“I think all we can do is to speak the truth in love— when they're ready to listen—and to pray for them. After that, we just have to support them and love them and hope for the best. I mean, its entirely possible that God can redeem this whole thing, and that they'll be happy together.”

“Miracles do happen.”

Caitlin laughed. “Yes, they definitely do.”

“And I'm afraid it will take one to make this work.”

“And that's why we need to just let go sometimes, Kim. Let go and let God. I mean, after you've done everything you believe He's called you to do—and done it in love—well, then it's time to step aside and just pray.”

So I'm trying to follow Caitlin's advice. Not just about Nat and Ben either. I'm trying to apply it to all areas of my life. I can see that I've been kind of a control freak in the past. And look where that got me—almost certifiable.

Because when you get right down to it, we can't control much of anything. Well, other than ourselves and our own personal choices. The rest is up for grabs. And if we're really trusting God, really believing that He has
our best interests at heart—then what's to worry about? Let go and let God.

Okay, it'll probably take me a lifetime to really get that. But at least Im off to a good start.