Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (47 page)

I suggested he use the vertical-arrow method to pinpoint just what he was so afraid of. His first automatic thought was, “I didn’t do an excellent job on the paper.” He wrote this down (see Figure 14–4, page 363), and then asked himself, “If that were true, why would it be a problem for me?” This question generated the upsetting thought lurking behind it, as demonstrated in Figure 14–4. Fred wrote down the next thought that came to mind, and continued to use the downward-arrow technique to reveal his fears at a deeper and deeper level. He continued peeling the layers off the onion in this way until the deepest origin of his panic and perfectionism was uncovered. This required only a few minutes. His silent assumption then became obvious: (1) One mistake and my career will be ruined. (2) Others demand perfection and success from me, and will ostracize me if I fall short.

Figure 14–4
. Fred used the verticat-arrow method to uncover the origin of his fears about turning in an “imperfect” paper for a class. This helped relieve some of the terror he was experiencing. The question next to each vertical arrow represents what Fred asked himself in order to uncove the next automatic thought at a deeper level. By unpeeling the onion in this way, he was able to expose the silent assumptions which represented the origin and root of his perfectionism (see text).

Once he wrote down his upsetting automatic thoughts, he was in a position to pinpoint his thinking errors. Three distortions appeared most often—all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, and the fortune teller error. These distortions had trapped him in a rigid, coercive, perfectionistic, approval-seeking approach to life. Substituting rational responses helped him recognize how unrealistic his fears were and took the edge off his panic.

Fred was skeptical, however, because he wasn’t entirely convinced a catastrophe was not about to strike. He needed some actual evidence to be convinced. Since he’d been keeping the elephants away by blowing the trumpet all his life, he couldn’t be
absolutely
sure a stampede wouldn’t occur once he decided to set the trumpet down.

Two days later Fred got the needed evidence: He picked up his paper, and there was an A – at the top. The typographical errors had been corrected by the professor, who wrote a thoughtful note at the end that contained substantial praise along with some helpful suggestions.

If you are going to let go of your perfectionism, then you may also have to expose yourself to a certain amount of initial unpleasantness just as Fred did. This can be your golden opportunity to learn about the origin of your fears, using the vertical-arrow technique. Rather than run from your fear, sit still and
confront
the bogeyman! Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” “What’s the worst that could happen?” Then write down your automatic thoughts as Fred
did, and call their bluff. It
will
be frightening, but if you tough it out and endure the discomfort, you will conquer your fears because they are ultimately based on illusions. The exhilaration you experience when you make this transformation from worrier to warrior can be the start of a more confident assertive approach to living.

The thought may have occurred to you—but suppose Fred
did
end up with a B, C, D, or an F? What then? In reality, this
usually
doesn’t happen because in your perfectionism, you are in the habit of leaving yourself such an excessively wide margin of safety that you can usually relax your efforts considerably without a measurable reduction in the quality of the actual performance. However, failures
can
and
do
occur in life, and none of us is totally immune. It can be useful to prepare ahead of time for this possibility so that you can benefit from the experience. You can do this if you set things up in a “can’t lose” fashion.

How can you benefit from an actual failure? It’s simple! You remind yourself that your life won’t be destroyed. Getting a B, in fact, is one of the best things that can happen to you if you are a straight A student because it will force you to confront and accept your humanness. This will lead to personal growth. The real tragedy occurs when a student is so bright and compulsive that he or she successfully wards off any chance of failure through overwhelming personal effort, and ends up graduating with a perfect straight A average. The paradox in this situation is that success has a dangerous effect of turning these students into cripples or slaves whose lives become obsessively rigid attempts to ward off the fear of being less than perfect. Their careers are rich in achievement but frequently impoverished in joy.

7
. Another method for overcoming perfectionism involves developing a process orientation. This means you focus on processes rather than outcomes as a basis for evaluating things. When I first opened my practice, I had the feeling I had to do outstanding work with each patient every session. I thought my patients and peers expected this of me, and so I worked my tail off all day long. When a patient
indicated he benefited from a session, I’d tell myself I was successful and I’d feel on top of the world. In contrast, when a patient gave me the runaround or responded negatively to that day’s session, I’d feel miserable and tell myself I had failed.

I got tired of the roller-coaster effect and reviewed the problem with my colleague, Dr. Beck. His comments were extremely helpful, so I’ll pass them on to you. He suggested I imagine I had a job driving a car to City Hall each day. Some days I’d hit mostly green lights and I’d make fast time. Other days I’d hit a lot of red lights and traffic jams, and the trip would take much longer. My driving skill would be the same each day, so why not feel equally satisfied with the job I did?

He proposed I could facilitate this new way of looking at things by refusing to try to do an excellent job with any patient. Instead, I could aim for a good, consistent effort at each session regardless of how the patient responded, and in this way I could guarantee 100 percent success forever.

How could you set up process goals as a student? You could make it your aim to (1) attend lectures; (2) pay attention and take notes; (3) ask appropriate questions; (4) study each course between classes a certain amount each day; (5) review class study notes every two or three weeks. All these processes are within your control, so you can
guarantee
success. In contrast, your final grade is not under your control. It depends on how the professor feels that day, how well the other students did, where he sets the curve, etc.

How could you set up process goals if you were applying for a job? You could (1) dress in a confident, appealing manner; (2) have your résumé edited by a knowledgeable friend and typed professionally; (3) give the prospective employer one or more compliments during the interview; (4) express an interest in the company and encourage the interviewer to talk about himself; (5) when the prospective employer tells you about his work, say something positive, using an upbeat approach; (6) if the interviewer makes a
critical or negative comment about you, immediately
agree
, using the disarming technique introduced in Chapter 6.

For example, in my negotiations with a prospective publisher about this book, I noticed the editor expressed a number of negative reactions in addition to a few positive ones. I found the use of the disarming technique worked extremely well in keeping the waters flowing nonturbulently during potentially difficult discussions. For example,

(In the first draft of this book, I had written several chapters on the silent assumptions that give rise to depression, but apparently the editor was not adequately impressed with this material or had not read it. I had the option of counterattacking in a defensive manner—which would have only polarized the editor and made her feel defensive. Instead, I chose to disarm her in the following way.)

I then continued to find a way to
agree
with each criticism and to praise Editor X for each and every suggestion. This was not insincere because I was a greenhorn in popular writing, and Editor X was a very talented, well-established individual who was in a position to give me some much-needed guidance. My negotiating style made it clear to her that I respected her, and let her know that we would be able to have a productive working relationship.

Suppose instead that I had been fixed on the
outcome
rather than on the negotiating process when the editor interviewed me. I would have been tense and preoccupied with only one thing—would she or would she not make an offer for the book? Then I would have seen her every criticism as a danger, and the whole interpersonal process would have fallen into unpleasant focus.

Thus, when you are applying for work, do
not
make it your aim to
get
the job! Especially if you
want
the job! The outcome depends on numerous factors that are ultimately out of your control, including the number of applicants, their qualifications, who knows the boss’s daughter, etc. In fact, you would do better to try to get as many rejections as possible for the following reason: Suppose on the average it takes about ten to fifteen interviews for each acceptable job offer you receive in your profession (a typical batting average for people I know who have been recently looking for work). This means you’ve got to go out and get those nine to fourteen rejections over with in order to get the job you want! So each morning say, “I’ll try to get as many rejections as possible today.” And each time you
do
get rejected you can say, “I was successfully rejected. This brings me one important step closer to my goal.”

8
. Another way to overcome perfectionism involves assuming responsibility for your life by setting strict time limits on all your activities for one week. This will help you change your perspective so you can focus on the flow of life and enjoy it.

If you are a perfectionist, you are probably a real procrastinator
because you insist on doing things so thoroughly. The secret to happiness is to set modest goals to accomplish them. If you want misery, then by all means cling to your perfectionism and procrastination. If you would like to change, then as you schedule your day in the morning, decide on the amount of time you will budget on each activity. Quit at the end of the time you have set aside whether or not you have completed it, and go onto the next project. If you play the piano and tend to play for many hours or not at all, decide instead to play only an hour a day. I think you’ll enhance your satisfaction and output substantially this way.

9
. I’ll bet you’re afraid of making mistakes! What’s so terrible about making mistakes? Will the world come to an end if you’re wrong? Show me a man who can’t stand to be wrong, and I’ll show you a man who is afraid to take
risks
and has given up the capacity for growth. A particularly powerful method for defeating perfectionism involves learning to make mistakes.