Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (44 page)

I hope you did in fact “give in” when you played the role of the successful snob. The method I used to thwart your claim you were better than I was quite simple. When-ever you claimed you were a better or more worthy person because of some specific quality such as intelligence, influence, status, or whatever, I immediately
agreed
with you that you are better
in that particular quality
(or set of qualities) and then I asked you—“But how does that make you a better (or more worthwhile)
person
?” This question
can-not be answered
. It will take the wind out of the sails of
any
system of values that sets some people up as being superior to others.

The technical name for this method is “operationalization.” In it you must
spell out
just what quality makes anyone more or less worthwhile than anyone else. You can’t do it!

Of course, other people would rarely think or say such insulting things to you as were said in the dialogues. The real put-down goes on in your head. You are the one who’s telling yourself your lack of status, or achievement, or popularity, or love, etc., makes you less worthwhile and desirable; so you’re the one who’s going to have to put an end to the persecution. You can do this in the following way: Carry on a similar dialogue with yourself. Your imaginary opponent, who we’ll name the Persecutor, will try to argue that you are inherently inferior or less worthwhile because of some imperfection or lack You simply assertively agree with the grain of truth in his criticism, but raise the question of how it follows that you are less worthwhile. Here are several examples:

I suggest you try out the method illustrated above. Write down the worst persecutory insults you can level at yourself and then answer them. It may be hard at first, but eventually the truth will dawn on you—you can be imperfect or unsuccessful
or unloved by others, but
not
one iota less worth-while.

You might ask, “How
can
I attain self-esteem if my worth doesn’t come from my success or from love or approval? If you peel all these criteria away one by one and expose them as invalid bases for personal worth, it seems there will be nothing left. Just what is it that I have to do?” Here are four valid paths to self-esteem. Choose the one that seems most useful to you.

The first path is both pragmatic and philosophical. Essentially, you must acknowledge that human “worth” is just an abstraction; it doesn’t exist. Hence, there is actually no such thing as human worth. Therefore, you cannot have it or fail to have it, and it cannot be measured. Worth is not a “thing,” it is just a global concept. It is so generalized it has no concrete practical meaning. Nor is it a useful and enhancing concept. It is simply self-defeating. It doesn’t do you any good. It only causes suffering and misery. So rid yourself
immediately
of
any
claim to being “worthy,” and you’ll
never have to measure up
again or fear being “worthless.”

Realize that “worthy” and “worthless” are just empty concepts when applied to a human being. Like the concept of your “true self,” your “personal worth” is just meaningless hot air. Dump your “worth” in the garbage can!(You can put your “true self” in there too, if you like.) You’ll find you’ve got nothing to lose! Then you can focus on living in the here and now instead. What problems do you face in life? How will you deal with them?
That’s
where the action is, not in the elusive mirage of “worth.”

You may be afraid to give up your “self” or your “worth.” What are you afraid of? What terrible thing will happen? Nothing! The following imaginary dialogue may make this clearer. Let’s assume that I am worthless. I want you to rub it in and try to make me feel upset.

The question may occur to you—“If I gave up my belief that success adds to my personal worth, then what would be the point in doing anything?” If you stay in bed all day, the probability that you will bump into something or someone that will make your day a little brighter is very small. Furthermore, there can be enormous satisfactions from daily living that are totally independent of any concept of personal worth. For example, as I am writing this I feel very turned on, but it isn’t due to my belief that I am particularly “worthwhile” because I’m writing it. The exhilaration comes from the creative process, pulling ideas together, editing, watching clumsy sentences sharpen up, and wondering how you will react when you read this. This process is an exciting adventure. Involvement, commitment, and taking a risk can be quite stimulating. This is an adequate payoff, to my way of thinking.

You might also wonder—“What is the
purpose
and
meaning
of life without a concept of worth?” It’s simple. Rather than grasp for “worth,” aim for satisfaction, pleasure, learning, mastery, personal growth and communication with others every day of your life. Set realistic goals for yourself and work toward them. I think you will find this so abundantly gratifying you’ll forget all about “worth,” which in the last analysis has no more buying power than fool’s gold.

“But I’m a humanistic or spiritual person,” you might argue. “I’ve always been taught that
all
human beings have worth, and I just don’t want to give up this concept.” Very well, if you want to look at it that way, I’ll agree with you, and this brings us to the second path to self-esteem. Acknowledge that everyone has one “unit of worth” from the time they are born until the time they die. As an infant you may achieve very little, and yet you are still precious and worthwhile. And when you are old or ill, relaxed or asleep, or just doing “nothing,” you still have “worth.” Your “unit of worth” can’t be measured and can
never
change, and it is the same for everyone. During your lifetime, you can enhance your happiness and satisfaction through productive
living, or you can act in a destructive manner and make yourself miserable. But your “unit of worth” is always there, along with your potential for self-esteem and joy. Since you can’t measure it or change it, there is no point in dealing with it or being concerned about it. Leave that up to God.

Paradoxically, this solution comes down to the same bottom line as the previous solution. It becomes pointless and irresponsible to deal with your “worth,” so you might as well focus on living life productively instead! What problems do you confront today? How will you go about solving them? Questions such as these are meaningful and useful, whereas rumination about your personal “worth” just causes you to spin your wheels.

Here is the third path to self-esteem: Recognize that there is only one way you can
lose
a sense of self-worth—by persecuting yourself with unreasonable, illogical negative thoughts. Self-esteem can be defined as the state that exists when you are not arbitrarily haranguing and abusing yourself but choose to fight back against those automatic thoughts with meaningful rational responses. When you do this effectively, you will experience a natural sense of jubilation and self-endorsement. Essentially, you don’t have to get the river flowing, you just have to avoid damming it.

Since only distortion can rob you of self-esteem, this means that nothing in “reality” can take away your sense of worth. As evidence for this, many individuals under conditions of extreme and realistic deprivation do not experience a loss of self-esteem. Indeed, some individuals who were imprisoned by the Nazis during World War II refused to belittle themselves or buy into the persecutions of their captors. They reported an actual enhancement of self-esteem in spite of the miseries they were subjected to, and in some cases described experiences of spiritual awakening.

Here is the fourth solution: Self-esteem can be viewed as your decision to treat yourself like a beloved friend. Imagine that some VIP you respect came unexpectedly to visit you one day. How might you treat that person? You would wear
your best clothes and offer your finest wine and food, and you would do everything you could to make him feel comfortable and pleased with his visit. You would be sure to let him know how highly you valued him, and how honored you were that he chose to spend some time with you. Now—why not treat
yourself
like that? Do it
all
the time if you can! After all, in the final analysis, no matter how impressed you are with your favorite VIP, you are more important to you than he is. So why not treat yourself at
least
as well? Would you insult and harangue such a guest with vicious, distorted put-downs? Would you peck away at his weaknesses and imperfections? Then why do this to yourself? Your self-torment becomes pretty silly when you look at it this way.

Do you have to
earn
the right to treat yourself in this loving, caring way? No, this attitude of self-esteem will be an
assertion
that you make, based on a full awareness and acceptance of your strengths and imperfections. You will fully acknowledge your positive attributes without false humility or a sense of superiority, and will freely admit to all your errors and inadequacies without any sense of inferiority or self-depreciation whatever. This attitude embodies the essence of self-love and self-respect. It does not have to be earned, and it
cannot
be earned in any way.

You might be thinking, “All that philosophizing about achievement and self-worth is well and good. After all, Dr. Bums has a good career and a book on the market, so it’s easy for him to tell
me
to forget about achievement. It sounds about as genuine as a rich man trying to explain to a beggar that money isn’t important. The raw fact is, I
still feel bad
about myself when I do poorly, and I believe that life would be a whole lot more exciting and meaningful if I had more success. The truly happy people are the big shots, the executives. I’m only average. I’ve never done anything really
outstanding, so I’m
bound
to be less happy and satisfied. If this isn’t right, then prove it to me! Show me what I can do to change the way I feel, and only then will I be a true believer.”