Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (40 page)

So much for the theoretical aspects. Now, what can you say and do when you are actually getting rejected? One effective way to learn is to use role-playing. To make the dialogue more entertaining and challenging, I will play the role of the rejector and confront you with the worst things about you I can think of. Since I’m acting caustic and insulting, begin by asking if I am in fact rejecting you because of the way I’ve been treating you lately:

Comment:
You don’t accuse me initially of rejecting you. That would put me on the defensive. Furthermore, I might
not
be rejecting you—I might be upset about the fact that nobody’s buying my book, so I’m just generally irritable. Just for practice, let’s assume the worst—that I am trying to dump you.

Comment:
You avoid defending yourself. Since you know you are not a “piece of rot,” there’s no point in insisting to me that you’re not. It will just fire me up more, and our dialogue will quickly deteriorate into a shouting match. (This “empathy method” was presented in detail in Chapter 6.)

Comment:
Again, you resist getting sucked into an argument. By urging me to pinpoint what I dislike about you, you are forcing me to fire my best shot and say something meaningful or end up looking like an ass.

Comment:
This is a common criticism. It tips you off that the rejector basically cares for you, but feels deprived and fears losing you. The rejector decides to lash out at you to protect his shaky self-esteem. The rejector might also say you’re too stupid, too fat, too selfish, etc.
Whatever
the nature of the criticism, your strategy is now twofold: (a) Find some grain of truth in the criticism and let the rejector know you agree in part (see the “disarming technique,” Chapter 6); (b) apologize or offer to try to correct any actual error you actually did make (see “feedback and negotiation,” Chapter 6).

Comment
: You then continue to extract negative comments from the rejector. Avoid being defensive and continue to find some grain of truth in what the rejector says. After
you have elicited all the criticisms and agreed with whatever was true about them, you are ready to fire the sharpest arrow straight into the rejector’s balloon. Point out that you have acknowledged your imperfections and that you are willing to try to correct your errors. Then ask the rejector why he is rejecting you. This maneuver will help you see why rejection is never your fault! You are responsible for your errors, and you will assume responsibility for trying to correct them. But if someone rejects you for your imperfections, that’s their goofiness, not yours! Here’s how this works.

Comment
: Now whose goofy behavior is this? Yours or the one who is rejecting you? Whose fault is it that the rejection occurs? After all, you offer to try to correct your errors and to improve the relationship through frank communication and compromise. So how can you be blamed for the rejection? Obviously you can’t.

Using the above approach may not prevent all actual rejections, but you will enhance the probability of a positive outcome sooner or later.

Recovering from Disapproval or Rejection
. You actually have been disapproved of or rejected in spite of your efforts to improve the relationship with the other person. How can you most quickly overcome the emotional upset you understandably feel? First, you must realize that life goes on, so this particular disappointment need not impair the quality of your happiness forever. Following the rejection or disapproval it will be your
thoughts
which are doing the emotional damage, and if you fight these thoughts and stubbornly refuse to give in to distorted self-abuse, the upset will pass.

One method which might be quite helpful is one that has aided people who experience prolonged grief reactions following the loss of a loved one. If bereaved individuals schedule periods each day to allow themselves to be flooded by the painful memories and thoughts of the deceased loved one, this can accelerate and complete the grieving process. If you do this when you are alone, it will be most helpful. Sympathy from another person often backfires; some studies have reported that it prolongs the painful period of mourning.

You can use this “grieving” method to cope with rejection or disapproval. Schedule one or more periods of time each day—five to ten minutes are probably enough—to think all the sad, angry, and despairing thoughts you want. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel mad, pound a pillow. Keep flooding yourself with painful memories and thoughts for the full time period you have set aside. Bitch, moan and complain
nonstop! When your scheduled sad period is over, STOP IT and carry on with life until your next scheduled cry session. In the meantime, if you have negative thoughts, write them down, pinpoint the distortions, and substitute rational responses as outlined in previous chapters. You may find this will help you gain partial control over your disappointment and hasten your return to full self-esteem more quickly than you anticipated.

The key to emotional enlightenment is the knowledge that only your thoughts can affect your moods. If you are an approval addict, you are in the bad habit of flicking your inner switch
only
when someone else shines their light on you first. And you mistakenly confuse their approval with your own self-approval because the two occur almost simultaneously. You mistakenly conclude that the other person has made you feel good! The fact that you do at times enjoy praise and compliments proves that
you know how to approve of yourself
! But if you are an approval addict, you have developed the self-defeating habit of endorsing yourself
only
when someone you respect approves of you first.

Here’s a simple way to break that habit. Obtain the wrist counter described in earlier chapters and wear it for at least two or three weeks. Every day try to notice positive things about yourself—things you do well whether or not you get an external reward. Each time you do something you approve of, click the counter. For example, if you smile warmly at an associate one morning, click whether he scowls or smiles back. If you make that phone call you were putting off—click the counter! You can “endorse” yourself for big or trivial things. You can even click it if you
remember
positive things you did in the past. For example, you might recall the day you got your driver’s license or your first job. Click the counter whether or not you have a positive emotional arousal. Initially you may have to
force
yourself to
notice good things about yourself, and it may seem mechanical. Persist anyway because after several days I think you will notice that the inner light is beginning to glow—dimly at first and then more brightly. Every night look at the digits on the counter and record the total number of personal endorsements on your daily log. After two or three weeks, I suspect you will begin to learn the art of self-respect, and you will feel much better about yourself. This simple procedure can be a big first step toward achieving independence and self-approval. It sounds easy—and it is. It’s surprisingly powerful, and the rewards will be well worth the small amount of time and effort involved.

The “silent assumption” which often goes hand in hand with the fear of disapproval is “I cannot be a truly happy and fulfilled human being unless I am loved by a member of the opposite sex. True love is necessary for ultimate happiness.”

The
demand
or
need
for love before you can feel happy is called “dependency.” Dependency means that you are unable to assume responsibility for your emotional life.

The Disadvantages of Being a Love Junkie
. Is being loved an absolute necessity or a desirable option?

Roberta is a thirty-three-year-old single woman who moped around her apartment evenings and weekends because she told herself, “It’s a couple’s world. Without a man I am nothing.” She came to my office attractively groomed, but her comments were bitter. She was brimming with resentment because she was sure that being loved was as crucial as the oxygen she breathed. However, she was so needy and greedy that this tended to drive people away.

I suggested that she start by preparing a list of the advantages and disadvantages of believing that “without a man (or woman) I am nothing.” The disadvantages on Roberta’s list were clear-cut: “(1) This belief makes me despondent
since I have no lover. (2) Furthermore, it takes away any incentive I might have to do things and go places. (3) It makes me feel lazy. (4) It brings on a sense of self-pity. (5) It robs me of self-pride and confidence, and makes me envious of others and bitter. (6) Finally, it brings on self-destructive feelings and a terrible fear of being alone.”

Then she listed what she thought were the advantages of believing that being loved was an absolute necessity for happiness: “(1) This belief will bring me a companion, love, and security. (2) It will give purpose to my life and a reason to live. (3) It will give me events to look forward to.” These advantages reflected Roberta’s belief that telling herself she couldn’t live without a man would somehow bring a companion into her life.