Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (43 page)
Read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Online
Authors: David D. Burns
There may be other prices to pay. If your family suffers from your neglect, a certain resentment may build up. For a long time they may hold it in, but sooner or later you’ll get the bill. Your wife has been having an affair and is talking about divorce. Your fourteen-year-old son has been arrested for burglary. When you try to talk with him, he snubs you: “Where’ve you been all these years, Dad?” Even if these unfortunate developments do not happen to you, you will still have one great disadvantage—the lack of true self-esteem.
I have recently begun treating a very successful businessman. He claims to be one of the top money earners in the world in his profession. Yet he is victimized by episodic states of fear and anxiety. What if he should fall off the pinnacle? What if he had to give up his Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud and drive a Chevrolet instead? That would be unbearable! Could he survive? Could he still love himself? He doesn’t know if he could find happiness without the glamour or glory. His nerves are constantly on edge because he can’t answer these questions. What would
your
answer be? Would you still respect and love yourself if you experienced a substantial failure?
As with any addiction, you find that greater and greater doses of your “upper” will be needed in order to become
“high.” This tolerance phenomenon occurs with heroin, “speed” (amphetamines), alcohol, and sleeping pills. It also happens with riches, fame, and success. Why? Perhaps because you automatically set your expectations higher and higher once you have achieved a particular level. The excitement quickly wears off. Why doesn’t the aura last? Why do you keep needing more and more? The answer is obvious: Success does not guarantee happiness. The two are not identical and are not causally related. So you end up chasing a mirage. Since your
thoughts
are the true key to your moods and not success, the thrill of victory fades quickly. The old achievements soon become old hat—you begin to feel sadly bored and empty as you stare at your trophy case.
If you do not get the message that happiness does not reliably and necessarily follow from success, you may work even harder to try to recapture the feeling you once had from being on top. This is the basis for your addiction to work.
Many individuals seek guidance or therapy because of the disillusionment that begins to dawn on them in their middle or later years. Eventually these questions may confront you as well: What’s my life all about? What’s the meaning of it all? You may believe your success makes you worthwhile, but the promised payoff seems elusive, just beyond your grasp.
As you read the above paragraphs, you may suspect that the disadvantages of being a success junkie outweigh the advantages. But you may still believe it is basically
true
that people who are superachievers are more worthwhile—the big shots seem “special” in some way. You may be convinced that true happiness, as well as the respect of others, comes primarily from achievement. But is this really the case?
In the first place, consider the fact that most human beings are not great achievers, yet most people are happy and well respected. In fact, one could say that the majority of the people in the United States are loved and happy, yet by definition most of them are pretty much average. Thus, it
cannot
be the case that happiness and love come only through great achievement. Depression, like the plague, is no respecter of status and strikes those who live in fancy neighborhoods as often—if not more frequently—as it does those of average or below-average means. Clearly, happiness and great achievement have no necessary connection.
Okay, let’s assume you’ve decided that it’s not to your advantage to link your work and your worth, and you also admit that achievement will not reliably bring you love, respect, or happiness. You may still feel convinced that on
some level
, people who achieve a lot are somehow better than others. Let’s take a hard look at this notion.
First, would you say that everybody who achieves is particularly worthwhile just because of their achievement? Adolf Hitler was clearly a great achiever at the height of his career. Would you say that made him particularly worthwhile? Obviously not. Of course, Hitler would have insisted he was a great human being because he was a successful leader and because he equated his worth and achievements. In fact, he was probably convinced that he and his fellow Nazis were supermen because they were achieving so much. Would you agree with them?
Perhaps you can think of a neighbor or someone you don’t like very much who does achieve a lot and yet seems overly grasping and aggressive. Now, is that person especially worthwhile in your opinion just because he or she is an achiever? In contrast, perhaps you know someone you care for or respect who is not a particularly great achiever. Would you say that person is still worthwhile? If you answer yes, then ask yourself—if they can be worthwhile without great achievement, then why can’t I be?
Here’s a second method. If you insist your worth is determined by your achievement, you are creating a self-esteem equation: worth = achievement. What is the basis
for making this equation? What objective proof do you have that it is valid? Could you experimentally measure people’s worth as well as their achievement so as to find out if they were in fact equal? What units would you use to measure it? The whole idea is nonsense.
You can’t prove the equation because it is just a stipulation, a
value system
. You’re defining worth as achievement and achievement as worth. Why define them as each other? Why not say worth is worth and achievement is achievement? Worth and achievement are different words with different meanings.
In spite of the above arguments, you may still be convinced that people who achieve more are better in some way. If so, I’m going to hit you now with a most powerful method which, like dynamite, can shatter this attitude even when it appears to be etched in granite.
First, I would like you to play the role of Sonia (or Bob), an old friend from high-school days. You have a family and teach school. I have pursued a more ambitious career. In the dialogue you will assume that human worth is determined by achievement, and I will push the implications of this to their obvious, logical, and obnoxious conclusion. Are you ready? I hope so because you’re about to be assaulted in a most unpleasant way by a belief you apparently still cherish.
D | Sonia (or Bob), how are you doing? |
Y | (playing the role of my old friend): Just fine, David. How are you? |
D | Oh, great. I haven’t seen you since high school. What’s been happening? |
Y | Oh, well, I got married, and I’m teaching at Parks High School and I have a little family at home. Things are great. |
D | Well, gee. I’m sorry to hear that. I turned out a lot better than you. |
Y | How’s that? Come again? |
D | I went to graduate school and I got my Ph.D. and I have become quite successful in business. I’m earning a lot of money. In fact, I’m one of the wealthier people in town now. I’ve achieved a great deal. More than you by a long shot. I don’t mean to insult you or anything, but I guess that means I’m a lot better person than you, huh? |
Y | Well, gee, Dave, I’m not sure what to say. I thought I was a rather happy person before I started to talk to you. |
D | I can understand that. You’re at a loss for words, but you might as well face facts. I’ve got what it takes, and you don’t. I’m |
Y | Dave, you seem to have changed. You were such a nice person in high school. I get the feeling you don’t like me anymore. |
D | Oh, no! we can still be friends as long as you admit you’re an inferior, second-rate person. I just want to remind you to look up to me from now on, and I want you to realize that I’ll look down on you because I’m more worthwhile. This follows from the assumption that we have—worth equals achievement. Remember that attitude you cherish? I’ve |
Y | Well, I sure hope I don’t run into you soon again, Dave. It’s not been such a pleasure talking to you. |
That dialogue cools most people off very quickly because it illustrates how the inferior-superior system follows logically from equating your worth with your achievement.
Actually, many people do feel inferior. The role-playing can help you see how ludicrous the assumption is. In the above dialogue, who was acting jerky? The happy housewife/schoolteacher or the arrogant businessman trying to make a case that he was better than other people? I hope this imaginary conversation will help you see clearly how screwball the whole system is.
If you like, we can do a role-reversal to put the icing on the cake. This time
you
play the role of the very successful person, and I want you to try to put me down as sadistically as you can. You can pretend to be the editor of
Cosmopolitan
magazine, Helen Gurley Brown.
*
I went to high school with you; I’m just an average high-school teacher now, and it’s your job to argue that you’re better than I am.
Y | (playing the role of Helen Gurley Brown): Dave, how have you been? It’s been a long time. |
D | (playing the role of a high-school teacher): Well, fine. I have a little family, and I’m teaching high school here. I’m a physical education teacher and really enjoying life. I understand you’ve made it big. |
Y | Yeah. Well, I really have been kind of lucky. I’m editor of |
D | Of course I have. I’ve seen you on TV on the talk shows plenty of times. I hear you make a huge income, and you even have your own agent. |
Y | Life’s been good. Yeah. It’s really been terrific. |
D | Now there’s just one thing I heard about you that I really didn’t understand. You were talking to a friend of ours, and you were saying how you’re so much better than I am now that you’ve made |
Y | Well, Dave, I mean, just think about all the things I’ve accomplished in my life. Here I am influencing millions, and whoever heard of Dave Burns in Philadelphia? I’m hobnobbing with the stars, and you’re bouncing a basketball around in the court with a bunch of kids. Don’t get me wrong. You’re certainly a fine, sincere, average person. It’s just that you never made it, so you might as well face facts! |
D | You’ve made a great impact, and you’re a woman of influence and fame. I respect that a lot, and it sounds quite rewarding and exciting. But please forgive me if I’m dense. I just don’t understand how that makes you a better person. How does that make me inferior to you or make you more worthwhile? With my little local mind, I must be missing something obvious. |
Y | Face it, you just sit around and interact with no particular purpose or destiny. I have charisma. I’m a mover and shaker. That gives me a bit of an edge, wouldn’t you say? |
D | Well, I don’t interact to |
Y | I’m just more highly developed and more elaborate. I think about more important things. I go on the lecture circuit, and people flock to hear me by the thousands. Famous authors work for me. Who do you lecture to? The local PTA? |
D | Certainly in achievement, money, and influence you’re way ahead of me. You’ve done very well. You were very bright to begin with, and you’ve worked very hard. You’re a big success now. But how does that make you more worthwhile than I am? You must forgive me, but I still don’t grasp your logic. |
Y | I’m more |
D | My life isn’t as boring as you might think. Take a close look at it. I’d be surprised to hear what you have to say here because I can’t find |
Y | Well, I suppose it just really boils down to the fact that if you have an amoeba existence, then you can only judge it on the basis of your amoeba mentality. I can judge your situation, but you can’t judge mine. |
D | What is the basis for your judgment? You can call me an amoeba, but I don’t know what that means. You seem to be reduced to name-calling. All it means is that apparently my life is not especially interesting to you. Certainly I’m not |
Y | I’m almost starting to give up. |
D | Don’t give up here. Press on. Perhaps you |
Y | Well, certainly society values me more. That’s what makes me better. |
D | It makes you more highly valued by society. That’s undoubtedly the case. I mean Johnny Carson hasn’t contacted me for any appearances recently. |
Y | I’ve noticed that. |
D | But how does being more highly valued by society make you a more worthwhile person? |
Y | I’m earning a huge salary. I’m worth millions. Just how much |
D | You clearly have more financial worth. But how does that make you a more |
Y | Dave, if you’re not going to worship me, I’m not going to talk to you. |
D | Well, I don’t see how that would make me less worthwhile either. Unless you have the idea that you’re going to go around deciding who’s worth-while based on who worships you! |
Y | Of course I do! |
D | Does that go along with being editor of |
Y | Well, it must be that your orbit is rather small and dreary. While I’m on my Lear jet to Paris, you’re in a crowded school bus going to She-boygan. |
D | My orbit may be small, but it’s very gratifying. I enjoy the teaching. I enjoy the kids. I like to see them develop. I like to see them learn. At times they make mistakes, and I have to let them know. There’s a lot of real love and humanity that goes on there. A lot of drama. What about that seems dreary to you? |
Y | Well, there’s not as much to learn. No real challenge. It seems to me that in a world as small as yours you learn just about everything there is to learn, and then you just repeat things over and over. |
D | Your work presents quite a challenge as it turns out. How could I know everything there is to know about even one student? They all seem complex and exciting to me. I don’t think I have |
Y | Well, it just seems to me that you are unlikely to run into many people in your world who are going to develop as highly as I have. |
D | I don’t know. Some of my students have high IQ’s and may develop the same way you did, and some of them are mentally subnormal and will only develop to a modest level. Most are average and each one is fascinating to me. What did you mean when you said they were boring? |
Y | I give in! Uncle! |