Feeling the Moment (13 page)

Chapter Sixteen

The wind had really picked up. I tied up the boat and practically ran inside the house. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget that everything happened. To wake up to River lying next to me before finding out about everything that sent my world into a spiraling vortex of pain.

Looking around the cabin that I once saw the beauty in every corner, but now only reminded me of what I’m losing… of what I’ve lost. My parents could have been the best people in the world, but they couldn’t get out from under their addiction, not even for me.

Do you know the kind of damage that does to a child? I felt unlovable and for the longest time I was. I was invisible to everyone around me until my body started developing. Then I became the center of many men’s fantasies. But nothing further. Never was anything further. That was both because of them and because of me.

So many times I’ve heard of women becoming attached to the first person they have sex with, that they automatically see love where it wasn’t. That didn’t happen for me. For one, I never believed in it before now. For another thing, my first time he told me that he was just helping me explore what my body was meant to enjoy.

None of the guys that I had willingly given my body to ever meant anything more than a meal, shower, or safe place to sleep. It was the cold months that I really sold myself for a night’s sleep. Most of the time it was blowjobs for a meal or something along those lines. I never saw myself as a whore until I met Luke and Dwayne. It was watching them together, smiling, touching, and whispering softly to one another before sharing a kiss.

Watching what it was like to have the one person you couldn’t see outside of, made me realize what I was missing and what I was doing. That was when the guilt and disgust really kicked in. After I left them, I swore off men. It was a promise to myself that I’d never let one use my body without a sense of something more in the wake.

At the time, I never wanted anything more. I never wanted the risk. But then I meet River and he tells me to feel the moment and live it because we might not get it back. That impulsive decision that I made to go on vacation changed the course of my life as I knew it. But now I sit here, a shell of the woman I was before River came into it.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I walked into the kitchen and started boiling some water for tea. While I waited for the water to boil, I stepped out on the back deck. The trees were really whipping in the wind. It was almost cold out here right now, but the humidity hung thick in the air.

Turning around I headed inside and tried to see if I could find out what the weather was going to be like, but just as I walked in the power started flickering. The need for light took over the need for a weather update. I had no idea where everything was here, or even if there was anything here.

My hands were shaking as I opened up every cupboard and drawer throughout the cottage. Every door, every drawer, I came up empty. There was nothing. What was I going to do? There was no basement. Was it even safe to go into a basement out here? Just then a whistle filled the silence. I screamed until I realized that it was the teapot on the stove.

Hurrying into the kitchen, I screamed again when the windows started shaking. Shutting off the stove, tea no longer sounding appetizing, but still I made it anyway. Walking out to the living room, I turned on the television. It was what I referred to as the ant races – static – but it was better than silence. With shaking hands, I took a sip of my warm tea. It calmed my stomach’s turning.

Slowly, I calmed. It was like I was a kid again, hiding in an alley between dumpsters to ride out a storm. It was at least a lot quieter here. The metal clanking noise of the dumpsters taking the brunt of the wind during the storms was deafening. I could hear that noise for days after a storm.

Reminding myself of what I’ve been through had me calming down more. I stood and took the cup back to the sink. I avoided looking out the window as I washed my cup out before placing it in the dishwasher.

Closing the door, I was just walking out of the kitchen when a loud bang had me screaming again. Turning around, I saw the screen door had been pulled right off the hinges. Hurrying quickly, I shut the door and ran out of the kitchen and into the master bathroom.

As I stood in the middle of the room, I pushed my hands into my hair, tightening my fists at the scalp and pulling. My heart hammered and the whistling and whipping of the wind outside had me freaking out once again. If it wasn’t for that the fact that the house was powered by a generator and solar panels, I think the power would have gone out a long time ago.

Leaving my apartment so fast, I didn’t have a phone to call anyone. What were you supposed to do when a storm like this hits on an island? Do I hide in a space with no windows and cover my head like you do in a tornado? What do I do?

Another loud crack echoed inside my head and all the lights went out. Holding my hands out in front of me, I felt for the tub. It was like finding a needle in a haystack at this point. I had no idea where I was headed. Lightning momentarily lit the bathroom and realized I was headed away from the tub, but the more I thought about it the closet would be the best bet.

Fumbling and a few curse words later, my hand finally rested on the knob of the closet door. Another loud crack followed by what I’m sure was breaking glass forced a scream from my throat and I hurried into the closet.

Moving back behind all the clothes, I curled into a little ball and prayed like I’ve never prayed before.
Dear Lord, please let me survive this. I promise I’ll do better. Please let me make it through this. I’m not ready to die yet.
This prayer was on repeat in my head.

For the longest time, when I was little, I didn’t believe in God. If there was a God, then why was I living the life I had to live? But I realized that it was shitty that my life was what it was, but my proof God was there was in every day I survived a harsh winter or an extremely hot summer. My faith restored in him. I made the best of what I had and was given. Though it sucked sometimes how long I went between
fresh
meals, I had enough to survive and that’s all anyone could ask for.

Had I not survived, I never would have met River and we wouldn’t be expecting our first child. My hand immediately moved to my stomach. Wow, I was going to be a mom. Now here I am in a storm that could possibly take it all from me and I never told River what I knew and felt.

The storm raged on around me. I could feel the vibrations from the wind in the wall behind my back. The feeling of having my ears plugged followed by the pressure overcame me. I started screaming incoherent thoughts, even I don’t know what I was saying. All I knew was my mouth was moving and words were coming out. The sound around me blocked out my voice and filled me with a fear I’ve never felt before.

A sudden gush of wind hit me and I screamed. Well, I’m pretty sure I screamed, but it was lost to the storm that roared around me. The rattling was the only sound outside of the storm that I could hear. Belatedly I realized that it was the bar above me that the clothes were hung on.

# # #

River

“Ah, River, it’s so wonderful to see you again,” Adrian faked nice.

“I’m not here for bullshit. Show me my girlfriend. I want to confirm that she’s really here and is unharmed before I even talk to you,” I hissed at him.

Adrian tipped his head toward the hall and Tank walked off down the hall. My heart was hammering in my chest, praying that this plan worked. I wasn’t scared of Adrian, or even Tank, and what would be done to me. I was scared for Kim and our unborn child. It was that thought that had strength filling me to the core.

It was my job to protect them and I would to the very last breath I took. Kim would be safe, our child would be safe. They would never have to look over their shoulders. I was going to make sure of it.

Tank came out of the hall with an angry look on his face. “She’s not here.”

“What?” Adrian roared.

Jasper had called me and told me that Kim was a good girl and didn’t want either of us to fall into the hands of his son. He was tired of seeing innocent good people fall at the feet of his son. So he came up with this plan to get her down the fire escape where Jayden would take her to my house and be safe. We also got the police involved, which is why it took a bit longer than I’d like. What Adrian didn’t know was that outside the door on either side was a string of officers ready to take this man down.

“She’s not there. She escaped her cuffs.” Tank growled.

Adrian turned his head back to me. “This changes nothing. You are not walking away from me like that. You will walk away when I say and
only
when
I
say. Do you understand me?”

“No, I don’t. I’m not that guy anymore. I’m done.”

“You are not! You bartered for drugs, remember? You didn’t want a money trail to alert your siblings.”

“Well, I’m not a crook. I cleaned a thousand dollars of yours with my own money. I’m done. I’m moving on. Nothing you say to me right now is going to change that.”

“I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch!”

And on cue, the door bursts open and in storm the police arresting Adrian and Tank. They started to arrest Jasper, but I explained his involvement and they let him go on his own recognizance if he testified against Adrian and Tank. Jasper readily agreed. He was tired of his son’s tirade.

Once everything was cleared up and I signed a statement, I was finally headed home to see if I could win Kim back somehow. However, when I arrive home the house is empty. Panic seizes my heart and I quickly dial my brother.

“Where the fuck is she?” I roared the minute he answered.

“She asked that I take her to the cottage instead of your house. I’m just headed back in to see if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, but I’m headed out to the cottage. A good place for her to have no choice, but to talk to me,” I said as I climbed into my truck and headed off.

The drive was long, so much longer than what it usually is. By the time I broke out of the trees into the clearing where the dock was Kayden, Jayden and Ryan all stood on the boat talking amongst each other.

Looking out over the water, I could see one of the seasonal storms heading off. Those storms were often throughout this time of year, but the cottage was built to withstand them.

“What? Am I incapable to talk to Kim on my own?” I growled when I walked on to the boat.

Ryan didn’t say two words to me. Instead, he started up the boat while Kayden finished untying it. Jayden looked like he was afraid I was going to hit him. Ryan’s face was pure concern and Kayden’s was worry.

“Someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

“The, uh,” Jayden started nervously. “The storms were worse than normal this time around. I, um, I forgot to tell Kim to hit the storm switch.” He hurriedly finished and flinched when I lifted my hand to run it through my hair.

“She was alone there in a house that without the storm precautions taken will be ripped to shreds?”

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“You left my pregnant girlfriend there alone with no idea how to beat the island storms?” I growled.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to get back to make sure you made it out okay and she seemed to want to be alone… It slipped my mind.”

Before I could go off on him the island came into view and we all cursed. Trees were down everywhere. Parts of the house lay strewn all along the beach and in the tops of trees. My heart hammered. Was there anything left of the house? Was Kim okay? Did she find a safe place to stay to ride out the storm?

The minute the boat was next to the dock, I jumped out and tore off up to the cottage. Well, I ran to what was
left
of the cottage. These storms out here can be brutal, much like tornadoes. The fact that Kim faced this all alone, broke me.

We sifted through the rubble that was my vacation home searching for the woman that made my heart beat again, that gave life a meaning. I don’t know how long we were searching when I stood in what used to be the master bedroom, shifting what used to be part of the walls around. There was still a section of what used to be the closet standing.

Once the guys held the wall steady just in case, I lifted several sections of wall and debris out of the way to reveal a chilling sight. There in a half ball was the love of my life with two bars that held clothes on it. My hands shook as I reached down and moved the bars off her before scooping her up into my arms.

Knowing she needed to be seen right away, I didn’t check her over there. Instead, I hurried to the boat. My brothers followed behind me without saying a word. My heart hammered in my chest the whole ride back to a hospital. I cradled her to my chest the whole time.

Chapter Seventeen

Kim

Three days later…

All I wanted to do was go home. To get away from everything. River was fussing over me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ll give him credit, though. He hasn’t asked me once since I was released from the hospital if I would take him back. Part of me wishes he would, but then another part is grateful for the time to think.

Today River was going to work. Again, another thing I’m thankful for. The first thing being that my baby survived the mayhem that was that storm on the island. Of course River going to work didn’t mean I was going to be alone. No, Ryan was coming over to babysit me.

Although, as angry as it made me to have someone hover over me, I was hoping that this would give me the opportunity to talk to Ryan about River. Maybe answer some questions I still had running around in my head.

“I’m headed out now. If you need anything you know my number,” he said softly, looking down at me.

Looking up at him, it was still there, that familiar pull between us. It crackled and simmered the longer we looked at each other, yet I couldn’t look away. His hands slowly came up and he cupped my face. Our eyes were still locked held by the beats of our hearts. River slowly lowered his head down. It wasn’t until I felt his breath on my lips as he sighed that I snapped out of the trance he held me in.

Turning my head, his head dropped, resting on mine. “What can I do, Kim? Please tell me because the longer you continue to push me away, the stronger the pain gets. Tell me what I need to do to make you see that I love you.”

“Go to work River,” I pulled away from him, walking over to the counter and busied myself with the dishes in the sink.

There was silence behind me for a while, but I knew he was still there. My body yearned for him. No, it screamed for him. I just wasn’t sure that I could take him back yet. Did I love him? Yes, with all my heart, but I can’t be with someone that is addicted to drugs. I couldn’t be put last again.

“Ryan will be here soon.” River finally spoke, breaking the silence. I could hear in his voice how torn up he was. “I love you,” he said sadly.

A few moments later, I hear his footsteps echoing down the hall as he walked away. My heart broke and silent tears fell down my cheeks.

“I love you too.”

“Do you?”

I spun around to find Ryan standing in the kitchen doorway. My tears still fell unchecked down my cheeks as I readied myself for the conversation I wanted to have, but feared the answers.

“I do, very much,” I said shakily.

“Then why are you torturing him and yourself for that matter?”

“I need to know that I won’t be put last, that our child won’t be put last.”

He sat down in one of the chairs at the table and ushered for me to do the same. After I dried my hands off, I sat down across from him. Keeping my head down, I waited for his response.

“River hasn’t told me much about your past, so I can’t…”

“Do you want to know?” I mumbled.

“Well, it might help me advise you better. If that’s what you’re wanting.”

Taking a deep breath, I told him my story from start to finish. I left nothing out and even as the things that still caused me to cringe with the disgust I felt for myself, I still told him. Looking up at Ryan, I looked for any sign of pity or disgust, but found none.

“I know that you all had it rough too…”

“No. River had it rough. None of us got what River did. Sure Helen and Miles hit me and Lacee, but nothing like they did to River. But River took it all so that Jayden, Kayden, and Maree never had to go through it. He was always older than us, never thought about himself first. Here I am the older brother and he was trying to take care of all of us. He started his company and I was so happy for him, but even as he asked me and Lacee to join from the start, we just couldn’t. If we would have quit our jobs and he failed… we would have all been screwed.”

“Did… Did you guys seek therapy?”

“Jayd did. He was really messed up after that beating. Not because of what he went through, but because when we got there and went inside to check on River, he was bleeding badly and unconscious. It was probably better that way he had nine broken ribs, two broken arms and there was damage to the spinal cord. We thought he’d never walk again. Jayd and Kayd blamed themselves for what happened to River. Kayd had sassed and when they started to hit him Jayd stepped in to help his brother.”

“How long until River was better?” I swallowed hard. It was the first time hearing this much information and it really made me understand the guarded man that I love so much.

“It was an excruciating and lengthy process, but by River’s eighteenth birthday he was walking and running. He clammed up a bit after that. No matter how much we pressed for what was going on in his head, he never talked about it.  Sex became an outlet for him. Much like you used sex to survive so did River in a way. It was a moment where he wasn’t haunted. Now, I thought that was the only way he was dealing with it all, but as we both know it went further than that.”

I shifted in my seat, wringing my hands in my lap. Looking down at my nails, they suddenly grew very interesting. “That’s where I’m running into my problem.”

“Which is,” Ryan asked softly.

“My parents loved me. I have no doubt about that, but it was never enough to become more important than their next fix. It was always their drugs and then me. I can’t fall back to that again. Being last is not an option, I won’t do that to my child.”

Ryan leaned forward and tipped my head up with his finger. “All these years that he’s been using, none of us ever knew. None of us even had a clue. He was always there helping us, guiding us, pushing us. River had never thought of himself first. Now, I’m not all that familiar with drug use or addiction, but it would seem to me that it wasn’t bad if it didn’t disrupt his life for us to notice. And he hasn’t done anything since before he met you.”

Nodding, I had a lot to think about. Ryan patted my hand and left the kitchen. It was almost as if he understood that I needed to process everything I learned. River’s story was so much worse than mine in many ways. My heart broke for him all over again. Now here I am thinking he won’t put me before a habit he’d already kicked.

Quickly, I dried my hands and ran from the kitchen. I knew exactly what I was going to do. Once I found everything I needed, I ran into the office and asked Ryan to take me to River. He smirked at me before finally complying to help.

Once we arrived, Ryan told me where to go and I told him to just go because I’d come back with River. Running inside, I went the way that Ryan told me to go. An older lady sat behind the desk and looked up as I approached. She smiled softly at me.

“You must be the eleven o’clock interview,” she winked.

Something told me that Ryan set that up, so I just nodded. She walked over to two big solid black doors and disappeared inside. A few moments later she walked out with a smile on her face.

“He’ll see you now,” she grinned.

Just as I was walking past her, she stopped me. She told me how to lock the doors when I got inside. My heart hammered hard as I stepped inside, closing the doors quietly and locking them as I’d been instructed. River hasn’t even looked up from the papers on his desk.

“Look, I’m sorry you came in, but we aren’t hiring any…” he trailed off when he finally lifted his head and met my gaze. “Kim?”

“Wow, I really like your office.  The wall of windows makes it look bigger than it is,” I commented nervously.

River stood and walked over to me. He just stood there, hovering next to me as I stared out the window. So I pushed forward and said what I came to say.

“I know that these past few days haven’t been easy. I know that it’s because of me, not you. I just had to figure some things out before I decided to do something that would potentially destroy me.”

“What have you decided?” Now he sounded nervous.

Turning around, I faced him. “I love you, River. No more drugs. Let’s just be as happy as we were on the island.”

His mouth came crashing down on mine and he pushed me against the glass. He lifted one of my legs around his waist as he ground into me. My hands immediately went to his pants and soon they were falling down around his ankles, along with his boxers. Stroking him firmly in my hand, he helped me out of my shorts and panties.

“I love you, Kim,” he breathed right before slamming into me.

River and I made love right against the window. The possibility of being seen heightened the moment and soon I was calling out River’s name as I shattered. River wasn’t far behind me and he held me tightly as we walked over to his chair and he sat down.

“Fuck I love you,” he panted. “Will you marry me?” He blurted.

The laughter started small and grew out of control pretty quickly. “Mr. Monroe, you can do better than that, can’t you?”

River laughed into the curve of my neck. “I love you. You are it for me, my world, the reason my heart beats at all. Can we continue this happiness for the rest of our lives? Will you marry me?”

“Mmmm, much better.” I kissed him soundly before pulling back slightly and whispering, “Yes.”