Feeling This (22 page)

I turn my head after a few minutes to
glance at him. He is staring at me intently with a playful smile. I ask as I roll
over toward him, “What are you thinking about?”

 He grasps me in his arms and wraps his legs
around mine, “I was just thinking how impossible it is to stay away from you.”

I smile at his sweet words, “Then don’t.”

Jordan

As I lay here looking at this perfect
creature wrapped up in my arms, I’m astounded at the reality of what just
happened. She is exquisite in every way. I don’t want this moment to end but
I’m not sure where we could fit together. She asked me what I was thinking
about and I told her the truth. I’m not sure how I can stay away from her,
especially now that we’ve shared this.

I look down into those stormy eyes and
realize that we both have demons we’re dealing with. I overheard some of her
conversation with her sister today. Something about her taking care of her mom
on top of her two jobs and school, I can’t imagine how hard her life must be
right now with that much responsibility.

She frowns caressing my face, “Jordan, when
we were at the bar you told me you are broken. What did you mean by that?”

I take a deep breath, not ready to share
yet. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to express that part of me to her. I
lean over and kiss her mouth fully. When I pull away, I roll over and get up
off the bed picking up my clothes on the way to the bathroom. I know she will
take this the wrong way but I can’t open myself up after what we just shared.
It would be wrong. I get dressed and splash cold water on my face for a while.
When I look in the mirror, I see misery. How can she see anything else?

When I turn off the water, I hear the door
to the room close. I rush in to find it empty. Hurriedly, I open the door and
scan the parking lot for her. The lighting is poor. Most of the overhead lamps
are burnt out. It tears me apart that I let her leave like this. I scurry out
the door into the parking lot wondering where she could have gone so fast. Once
I’m next to my car I squint to see into the darkened windows. It’s empty just
as the room was. Making my way forward to Main Street I look in both directions
for her small figure but she’s nowhere. I curse myself. I don’t even have her
phone number nor do I know where she lives.
I’m such a screw up.

I head back to the room still unsettled. I
just want to make sure she’s safe at least. When I get to the room, I grab my
car keys and drive to the Ugly Duckling. The dash lights read 2:20. I’m sure
the bar just closed. Maybe Derek will be there and he can at least give me her
phone number. When I get there a petite blonde waitress comes to the door. A
wide smile spreads across her face when I knock while looking through the
narrow window. She unlocks the door opening it wide. I ask, “Is Derek still
here?”

She shakes her head, “Nope, he left a
little bit ago.”

She steps forward, “Can I help you?” A
snide smile plays on her lips.

I shake my head but then remember seeing
her earlier talking to Kimber.

“Do you, by any chance have Kimber’s
number?”

Her smile widens, “I do.” I wait but she
doesn’t move to retrieve it. I glance past her but no one else is in the room.
Looking back to her, my impatience shows, “Well, can I get it?”

She twirls her hair in her finger while
leaning on the door, “That depends, are you going to tell me why Derek rushed
out of here to go and get her?”

Relieved to hear that she’s safe but still
annoyed with this chick I shake my head. She pouts, “You’re no fun. Maybe you
and Kimber were meant for each other.”

She turns and walks across the room,
leaving me standing in the doorway alone. I shove my hands in my pockets,
completely pissed at myself. She had to call her sister’s boyfriend to come and
get her. She will never forgive me.

It seems like an eternity before she comes
back with the number. I grasp it and leave the bar, immediately punching it
into my phone, making sure to save it. Then I try to call but it just rings,
going straight to voicemail. At the end of the robotic recording I clear my
throat and begin, “Kimber, it’s Jordan. I’m sorry. That’s really all I can say
is sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you again. I’m so sorry.” I hang up, not sure
what else to say. Short of explaining things, there isn’t much I can tell her.

The next morning, I wake before sunrise
tired from very little sleep. I drive to the Bruin ranch determined to talk to
Kimber today. The morning drags on while we herd cattle and tend to the horses.
 

When lunch rolls around, Mrs. Bruin delivers
the lunches. I should have known that would be the case. Kimber is going to do
everything she can to avoid me. It feels as if years go by through the hours as
they pass so slowly by, the second half of the day.

I start heading back to the barn after
fixing another part of the fence. I keep playing everything from last night
through my head and every time I come to the conclusion that I am just a prick.
If the opportunity presented itself today I was set on telling Kimber about
Susan, whatever it takes at this point, to keep her. Damn, I sound like a
petulant child with a new toy.

I look up as I approach the lake and hear
giggling. First, I spot the boys swinging into the lake. Then I spot Kimber a
few feet away lying on a towel in the grass. She is staring at me but she looks
away when my eyes meet hers. God is she beautiful. I change directions and walk
with a purpose. This is the perfect opportunity to say what I need to. It’s
time to grovel if I have to.

Halfway around the lake my phone rings. I
pull it out of my pocket and glance at the screen. My mom is calling again. I
have ignored her last four calls over the past two days. She is becoming more
and more insistent though. I stop pissed off and hit the answer button, “Mom,
what is it?”

“Jordan Rhodes, did I teach you nothing?
That is no way to answer your phone.”

I take a deep breath trying to qualm my
nerves, “Sorry. I’m just busy Mom. Is this an emergency?”

“Actually it is Jordan. I know Mr. Weller
called you a few days ago. He really needs to talk to you.”

My hand automatically runs through my hair
as I tell her in annoyance, “I gathered that but can’t this wait?”

Her voice takes on an urgent tone, “Jordan,
it’s about Susan. I think you need to come home.”

My heart stops at the mention of her name.
What could he possibly need to say to me that warrants me to drive back home?

“Can’t he just tell me over the phone?”

She says simply, “No.”

The seriousness in her tone and lack of
explanation alert me that this might be something I need to hear. I make a
decision, “Okay, I’ll be home in a few hours.”

I push the end button before she can say
anything else. When I look back up, Kimber is staring at me. Her expression is
curious and sad. I can’t talk to her now, not when I have to go home. It might
be best to leave things as they are. Maybe she’s better off. She deserves
someone who can give her his full heart and love her fully.  I continue walking
past her, straight to the barn.

When it’s finally time to leave, Joe
catches my arm as I turn to my car, “Hey Jordan?”

He is glaring at me. We haven’t seen each
other all day except at lunch time when he didn’t say anything to me. When he
has my attention, he states, “I heard there was a problem.”

I shake my head, ”I’m not sure I follow you,
a problem with what?”

“Somthin’ happen with you and Kimber?”

I shake my head adamantly.

“Well I’ll tell you city boy.” He takes a step
closer, “This is a small town and people talk. You get my meanin’?”

I nod, understanding what he is trying to
tell me. What happened between Kimber and I is probably public knowledge. I
feel like such a dick. I hang my head. He pats me on the shoulder, “Those Maguire
women are good girls. They’ve had hard lives though. You gotta be gentle with ‘em.”

I walk away toward my car, knowing that I
need to go home but I also need to make a decision about Kimber. I can’t go any
further with her without telling her about Susan. Oh man Susan. I’ve been so
broken up over Kimber, my reasons for being here were momentarily forgotten.

Kimber

When Jordan left the bed after we had sex, I
felt almost the lowest I’ve ever felt. He got up and left without answering my
question as if he was done with me. I wanted nothing more than to fold myself
up into a tiny ball and disappear. It didn’t mean anything to him. To me it
meant so much. But instead of remaining where I’d be subjected to more
rejection, I got up and called Derek to come and get me. He was still at the
Duck so he came right away.

The next day I called Heidi on the way to
the ranch and told her a brief version of what happened. She was so pissed, she
wanted to go to his motel and give him a piece of her mind. I talked her out of
it, already knowing that he was at the ranch. I decided I would do everything
possible to avoid him. I’m so angry with myself for falling for him, because
that is really what happened. I realized it when I got home and cried myself to
sleep. In the short span of time that Jordan Rhodes has been here, I’ve fallen
for him. That is what makes this so much harder. I wanted last night to happen
badly and I’m not sorry that we shared it. I’m just sorry that I’ve let myself
be affected and have feelings for him.

All day long I stayed away from the windows
for fear of catching a glimpse of him. When lunch time rolled around, Mrs.
Bruin asked with a huge smile, if I wanted to take the lunches out. She had
some sort of glitch in her voice as if she knew about Jordan and I. If only she
knew the real story. I declined, favoring more games with the boys instead.
They seemed to want to give me a hard time too. All day long, they begged me to
take them to the lake and finally Mrs. Bruin intervened taking their side,
“Kimber, I think some fresh air will do you and the boys some good.”

A deep sigh escapes me as I answer, “Yes,
Ma’am.”

The boys change into swimming trunks and
jump around to no avail as I stall as much as I can. I’m terrified that we’ll
run into Jordan out there. I’m liable to tell him off if I do see him with some
choice words not appropriate for Michael and Martin’s ears. I grab the bag
filled with towels from Mrs. Bruin’s waiting hand and trudge out the back door
onto the porch. Michael pulls on my arm encouraging, “Kimber, come on, hurry up.”

He quickly lets go and scuttles after his
brother now halfway across the field. I hold my hand up shielding my eyes and
squint across the expanse of brown grass toward the boys. It’s a straight shot
to the lake, about a half-mile’s walk. The horse and cow pastures are sprawled
out on either side. There is always a chance we’ll run into someone on the way
but I pray it’s not Jordan, if we have to see anyone.

Both boys look back at me when they enter
the sparse cover of trees and Martin yells impatiently, “Come on Kimber.”

“I’m comin’ boys. Hold your horses.”

We finally come up to the lake and a light
sheen of sweat is covering my skin. It’s a hot one today. Spring, almost summer
time in Texas is scorching. I’ll be happy to have a small break in a few weeks
from my classes. I’ll still spend it here at the ranch but I won’t have to find
time to complete assignments.  I climb out of my shorts and peel off my tank
spreading a towel in the crisp grass. I lean back feeling the warmth against my
skin.