Feels Like Home (12 page)

‘Look at me,' she demanded.

Ryan raised his head to meet her gaze. His eyes were bloodshot and if she didn't know better she might think he was about to shed his own tears. But Galloway men didn't cry.

Not ever.

‘Joey, I'm sorry. You have to believe that I would never have slept with Carly if I'd known I still had a chance with you. I thought you'd abandoned me. As if I would risk my relationship with you for a meaningless…'

As his voice wavered her anger abated. It was as if she could read his mind. No matter what his intentions were on that night he took Carly into his bed, the result was anything but meaningless.

They'd both made mistakes. And now they had to live with them. Her desire to analyse the ins and outs of what had gone wrong all those years ago evaporated. What did it matter who was at fault? It didn't change anything. It was pointless being angry with her mother — the Katherine who had orchestrated this disaster didn't exist anymore. All this introspection was just causing Ryan more pain.

They'd loved each other once and it hadn't worked out. It was as simple as that.

CHAPTER

10

‘Gran said she would tell Steph I can wear lipstick,' Ella announced as she ran into the kitchen.

‘Hang on a minute, that's not what I said. I said —' Beth stopped mid-sentence. The smile disappeared from her face as her eyes met Jo's. ‘Oh…sorry, Ryan. I didn't realise you were busy. Hello, Johanna.'

Jo swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. Beth Galloway was a formidable woman and she was fiercely protective of those she loved. Once upon a time Jo counted herself among the people Beth cared about, but that was no longer the case. After the discussion she'd just had with Ryan, Jo was acutely aware of why Beth would feel some animosity towards her. ‘Hello Beth. It's nice to see you.'

Beth's lips formed a tight smile. ‘I believe congratulations are in order.'

Jo was momentarily lost for words.

‘On your engagement. It was the talk of the town for a while there. It's not every day a girl from Linden Gully marries an American movie star.' Jo didn't miss the look of distaste on her face. ‘You're a very lucky girl.'

Right now Jo didn't feel very lucky at all. ‘Thank you. And yes, I am.' The lie churned her stomach, but it couldn't be helped.

‘Well…I don't want to interrupt your catch-up. I'll be off.' She looked at Ryan. ‘We can discuss the lipstick agreement later.'

Ryan smiled and walked over to give Beth a peck on the cheek. ‘Thanks Mum.'

As Beth left, Jo became aware of Ella, standing silently just inside the doorway. ‘Hi, Ella. Do you remember me? I'm Jo. We met at the footy.'

Ella didn't answer but continued to eye her suspiciously.

‘Ella, where are your manners? Answer Jo.'

Jo shook her head at Ryan and laughed. ‘It's okay, Ryan. I'm sure Ella's just a little shy.'

He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to speak but Ella got in first.

‘I'm not shy. Dad told me never to talk to strangers.'

Jo knew she had her work cut out for her. ‘I see. That's very sensible. We won't be strangers soon, though. Did you know I'm going to be Steph's bridesmaid? Soon you and I will get to know each other really well. Won't that be fun?'

Ella's expression didn't change. ‘I guess so.'

‘Okay, missy, I think it's time you took your school bag to your room and put your uniform in the laundry.' Ryan was clearly keen to put an end to the stand-off. As Ella thumped off down the hallway, Ryan sat down opposite Jo at the table. ‘Sorry about that. I'm not sure what got into her.'

‘Don't worry about it. I'm not great with kids. I'm totally clueless about them and no matter how hard I try I seem to have a knack of putting them offside.'

Ryan smiled. ‘That'll change soon enough.'

‘Huh?'

‘When you have kids of your own. It'll come naturally, you'll see.'

Was there no getting away from the baby conversation? What was it with men and babies? First Zach and now Ryan. Weren't women supposed to be the clucky ones? ‘Not sure that I want to have kids.'

‘Not yet maybe, but eventually.'

Jo shrugged. ‘I guess so. Maybe.' God, why couldn't she just tell the truth? She knew very well that she never wanted to reproduce. She was not cut out to be a mother. Call it a genetic failing. Ryan, of all people, should know that. He'd witnessed her mother's inadequacies and insecurities first hand. ‘In any case, I should go. I don't want to keep you any longer.'

‘Jo…' He reached out across the table and put his hand on hers.

A jolt of electricity shot through her as his thumb gently caressed her skin. After all this time he could still turn her insides to mush. ‘Yes?' she whispered.

‘I'm so glad we had this talk. I know I said I didn't want to revisit the past but you were right, it was better to have things out in the open. We can both move on now, and maybe even have a real go at being friends?'

Friends.
Isn't that what she wanted? Isn't that what she'd hoped to achieve — to clear the air so there would be no awkwardness, no more animosity between them? Why then did Ryan's suggestion sting so badly?

‘Friends,' she said, in the cheeriest tone she could muster. She withdrew her hand and pushed the chair out from the table. ‘Of course we can be friends. Now I really must be going. Lots to do. Packing up the house, bridesmaid stuff. You know how it is.' The sound of chair legs dragging on the polished timber boards filled the silence.

‘I'll walk you to your car,' Ryan said.

‘No, no. You go sort out Ella. I'm fine. I'll see you soon. At the hens and bucks night if not before.' She made for the door before he could protest.

Ryan watched the Jeep disappearing down the road from the kitchen window. It was as if a cricket ball had hit him in the chest. His discussion with Jo had made him realise what a total fool he'd been. He'd allowed a bitter woman to trick him into giving up on the love of his life. If he'd only had a bit more faith in Jo — in himself — his whole life could have turned out differently.

But would it have been better? Honestly, he didn't know. What he did know was that the past couldn't be changed. And if he hadn't gone off half-cocked and slept with Carly, he would never have ended up with his gorgeous little daughter. A life without Ella was not something he could even contemplate, so perhaps his mum was right when she said that things happened for a reason.

And Joey was happy. That was the main thing. For all her indignation at her mother's interference, who was to say that it hadn't turned out for the best in the long run? Being cooped up here in this tiny town would never have worked for her. She was too talented, wanted too much out of life to be satisfied with the simple pleasures that Linden Gully had to offer. At 21 he'd been too wrapped up in his own fantasies of how life would be to see what must have been blatantly obvious to everyone else.

In a way he didn't blame Katherine Morgan. She was only doing what she thought was best for her daughter. And her prediction had come true. Joey was wildly successful and engaged to a movie star. How could he have ever thought that anything he had to offer could compete with that?

No, things were exactly as they should be. But if everything had turned out for the best why the hell did he feel so damned empty as he watched her drive away?

Even with the radio's volume turned way up, Jo couldn't drown out the thoughts swirling around her head. Ryan hadn't betrayed her, not really. He'd thought it was over between them and was numbing his grief with a cocktail of alcohol and meaningless sex. Of course the sex hadn't turned out to be meaningless, but he hadn't known that at the time.

Maybe he was right in his reluctance to go back over old ground. What had it achieved? Did she feel better knowing that he hadn't just discarded her the minute she'd got on the plane, that he had loved her and that his betrayal came from heartbreak, not from ambivalence?

No, she did not.

In fact she felt worse somehow. Which was stupid. The air had been cleared between them, there was no animosity and they were free to be friends, which was for the best. Wasn't it?

Her mind wandered back to yesterday's aborted kiss, which sent the butterflies in her belly into overdrive. Would she have kissed him if the phone hadn't interrupted them? At the time the urge was overpowering and she doubted that she would have had sufficient willpower to resist.

Did she still love him?

Oh god, no. That couldn't be it. It was just being back here, talking about all this stuff. What she was feeling was nostalgia for something that had once been beautiful.

But what if it
was
more?

She allowed herself the luxury of imagining them back together. How would that work? She didn't have to go back to New York if she didn't want to. She'd promised Zach that she'd walk the red carpet with him for the New York premiere but after that she had no commitments. She could write anywhere, even here in Sleepy Hollow. There was the blog to consider. She could hardly write a blog about being a foreigner in Manhattan if she didn't live there anymore. But who knew how much longer she'd have that gig for anyway? Now that she wasn't the future Mrs Zach Carlton she fully expected her ‘star power' to dwindle — thank god — but along with the loss of celebrity status would be the loss of the type of jobs that went along with it. No matter. If that happened it would give her more time to focus on her writing. And Ryan.

They'd live at his farm, of course. He'd spent years saving for his own place so he wouldn't give it up easily. That was okay. It was a nice property. The house had good bones. It just needed a woman's touch to inject a bit of warmth and style to add to its rustic charm.

Her mind's eye started with the kitchen. It was structurally okay, and the circa-1950s kitchen cabinets were actually pretty funky. A lick of paint, new chairs and some cute retro accessories and it would be perfect. She let her imagination run wild, picturing what she could do in each of the rooms. Of course she hadn't seen the entire house yet, but she imagined there were at least two bedrooms…

Her excitement escaped as quickly as the air in a popped balloon. There was one very big reason she and Ryan could never be together and that reason inhabited the second bedroom.

Ella.

Dear god, she couldn't even contemplate raising her own biological child, let alone anyone else's. Of course it could never work. Obviously Ryan was one step ahead of her.

We can both move on now, and maybe even have a real go at being friends
.

Of course he didn't want anything more than friendship. He had a child. A life. He didn't need the likes of her coming in and messing everything up. What was she thinking? Ryan wasn't declaring any interest in renewing their relationship. He was simply rewriting their miserable end. Maybe they did still have feelings for each other, but that couldn't be helped. It was over. He wanted them to be grown-ups, to be friends.

Only thirty-six hours ago she'd wanted exactly the same thing, but now she wasn't so sure.

CHAPTER

11

‘More cake, Jo?' Steph's grandmother slid a piece of her famous apple teacake onto a plate in anticipation of an affirmative response.

Jo shook her head and clutched her belly. ‘I've already eaten too much, Nanna Dawn.'

‘Rubbish. You've only had one slice and you've barely eaten anything else all afternoon. It's a kitchen tea, not a Weight Watchers meeting. What's wrong with you? Pining for your man are you?'

The CWA ladies clucked and giggled.

If only they knew. Maybe Jo was pining, but it wasn't for the man Nanna Dawn had in mind. Ever since her talk with Ryan her insides had been churning uncomfortably. She recognised it was impossible for them to be together, but now that she'd stopped feeling so angry over what had happened in their past she couldn't stop the
if only
thoughts from cluttering up her head.

She smiled at the sprightly old woman who'd been like a grandmother to her for as long as she could remember. ‘Give me a break, Dawnie. I've got a bridesmaid's dress to fit into, you know.'

Steph raised her champagne glass and winked at Dawn. ‘Good on you, Nanna, Fatten her up a bit. We don't want her outshining the bride on the big day.'

‘I will have one of those,' Jo said, nodding her head at Steph's glass. She walked over to bench where Steph was pouring bubbly into flutes and put her arm around her friend's shoulders. ‘I wouldn't worry about anyone outshining you, my friend. I've never seen a more radiant bride-to-be. You're positively glowing with happiness.' She picked up one of the freshly filled glasses and raised it in an impromptu toast. ‘To Steph, the best friend a girl could have and the most beautiful bride in the world.'

‘To Steph,' the ladies echoed in unison.

Steph hugged her tight. ‘I'm so glad you came home early, Jo. It's wonderful to have you here to share in the excitement. I promise I'll do the same for you when your turn comes.'

Jenny raced over with her iPhone. ‘Hold it right there, you two. I want to get a photo.' As she clicked away the ladies all oohed and ahhed and made noises about how cute the two brides-to-be were.

‘We haven't heard anything about your wedding, Jo,' Jenny said. ‘We're all dying to hear the details. Tell us all about it. We want to know all about Zach and all about your plans for the big day.'

Jo dismissed the request with a wave of her hand. ‘This is Steph's day. You don't want to hear about me.'

Steph grinned. ‘You're not getting out of it that easily, sunshine. I want to know just as much as everyone else. In my official capacity as the Bride, I command you to come clean.'