Read Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook Online
Authors: F.L. Fowler
Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook (8 page)
chicken with horseradish and herbs
Chicken
H
e has me spread out in parts on a towel while he whips up a marinade. He likes me arranged like this; it means he can spice me up to his kinky tastes. I wonder how his former flames responded to his overbearing ways, and I feel an unwelcome pang.
“What happened with the fifteen past Ingredients?” I ask hesitantly.
He cocks his head to one side and back, surprised. He turns off the blender and gives a resigned shrug.
“Various things. I suppose it boils down to …” He pauses, searching for precisely the right word. “Unsuitability.”
He helps me into the bowl he’s filled with the aromatic green liquid from the blender and massages it into my skin. It makes my flesh come alive, but I can’t take my mind off the fifteen. The marinade gives me plenty of time to think.
When he pulls me out I realize I’ve turned bright green.
“Who was the last one?” I blurt out.
He draws a sharp breath and stills. “Beware, Miss Hen, of jealousy,” he intones. “It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
“Did you quote Shakespeare to her, too?” My voice is shrill.
He runs an anxious hand through his hair.
“No, she was more the earthy type,” he sighs. “She did as she was told, and I soon felt we had exhausted the possibilities. Now, are you going to let this go?”
“If you can have nice, pliable Ingredients, why do you need me?”
“I need an Ingredient that forces me to compromise. A cook who isn’t compromising is not working hard enough.” He grabs the package of foil and tears a sheet off. “You are an exquisitely beautiful bird, Miss Hen. You’re smart, savory, and succulent. You’ve made me change my whole approach to building dishes. Now, do you want to ask more questions, or do you want me to cook you?” His stomach growls, and he smiles that dazzling, predatory smile.
“Cook me, please,” I say quietly.
His marinade has worked its magic. By the time he pulls me from the oven I am glowing and mollified, and my green tint has faded—for now—in the golden afterglow of a good, hard cooking.
SERVES 4
3 garlic cloves, roughly chopped
3 scallions, white and green parts
⅓ bunch of fresh chives
⅓ bunch of fresh flat-leaf parsley
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1½ tablespoons prepared horseradish
1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt
⅓ cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, cut into 8 pieces, patted dry with paper towels
1
In a food processor or blender, combine the garlic, scallions, chives, parsley, lemon zest and juice, horseradish, and 1 teaspoon salt. Blend for 10 seconds, then add the olive oil and blend until smooth.
2
Nestle the chicken in a bowl and rub gently with the marinade. Cover with plastic wrap and chill overnight.
3
Preheat oven to 425°F. Oil a roasting pan and add the chicken parts. Drizzle with oil, cover the pan with foil, and bake for 20 minutes. Uncover and continue to bake until the chicken is cooked through, about 20 minutes longer. Run the pan under the broiler until the skin crisps, 3 to 5 minutes. That’s when to enjoy.
LEARNING THE ROPES
Ever consider a three-way with your ingredients? Serve Jealous Chicken with the
Rival Radish Salad
. Or for something less risqué, there’s always
Taters, Baby
.
white wine–steamed chicken breasts with sesame oil and scallions
White Meat
S
teamy enough?” he asks in a low voice.
I’m unable to answer. Tendrils of vapor rise from my naked, wet breasts. He has cooked me gently but quickly. Kinky as it might be, I find myself wanting more and more from this kitchen Adonis.
He holds a tiny silver spoon above me, letting fall, drop by tantalizing drop, a dark, mysterious dipping sauce. It’s the slowest, most sensuous thing imaginable. In her crushed velvet coop my inner goddess fans herself with both wings.
“I’m going to take a very, very long time to season you, baby. I promise you, the sesame sauce is much better this time.”
This time?
I’m confused. He’s never used sesame sauce on me before.
“Better than what?” I manage to say as I catch my breath.
He flushes. “Better than the last time I tested it.” It’s obvious he’s leaving something out. Why would he have tested this sauce without me? Abruptly the specter of the wilty radish fills my mind. I feel the anger rising in my breast.
He made it for her.
“You’ve used this same sauce before. With who?” I’m trying not to yell. My inner goddess takes a cold shower and mopes back to her perch to sleep.
“You want an honest answer?”
“Was it her? Was it the radish?”
He inhales sharply, then drops his shoulders with a sigh. “We had experimented with a lot of different permutations. Radish granita, radish tartare, gin radish-tini. Finally, during a radish omakase, I tried her in dipping sauce. I added too much wasabi. It’s something I regret very much.”
“And you’re trying the same thing on me?” I ask coldly.
“No, Chicken. With her it was a yuzu, not rice vinegar, and there was the wasabi. What I’ve prepared for you is quite different.” But he can see he’s digging himself deeper. He puts down the tiny spoon.
If I wasn’t steamed enough before, I sure as hell am now.
SERVES 4
¼ teaspoon coarse kosher salt
4 boneless, skinless, chicken breasts (about 2½ pounds)
2 cups white wine
1 teaspoon black peppercorns
1-inch-thick coin of peeled gingerroot plus 2 teaspoons grated peeled gingerroot
2 garlic cloves, 1 minced, 1 smashed and peeled
¼ cup soy sauce
2 scallions, white and green parts, thinly sliced, plus more for garnish
1½ teaspoons rice vinegar or white wine vinegar, or to taste
3 tablespoons peanut, safflower, or canola oil
1 teaspoon Asian (toasted) sesame oil
Chile oil or chile sauce (optional)
1
Sprinkle the salt all over the chicken breasts.
2
In a large soup pot set with a steamer basket, bring the wine, peppercorns, gingerroot coin, and smashed and peeled garlic to a simmer. Gently lay the chicken breasts in the steamer basket in one layer, cover the pot tightly, and steam until they are just cooked through, 12 to 20 minutes.
3
Meanwhile, in a small bowl, stir together the grated ginger, minced garlic, soy sauce, scallions, and vinegar, then stir in the peanut oil, sesame oil, and a few drops of chile oil, if using. Slice the breasts thin, then drizzle with sauce and garnish with scallions to serve.
LEARNING THE ROPES
This makes a light and flavorsome meal, but to make it more satisfying, serve the breasts with rice noodles tossed with a little of the sauce and more sliced scallions. Or plain white rice is nice, too.
Wings
I
t’s high time I trussed you again, Miss Hen.” He flips on the radio and pulls out the outsize spool of twine.
“Maybe I should play hard to get for once,” I say coyly.
His eyes widen with surprise and a glint of arousal. He looks me up and down on my cutting board.
“I can’t really see how you’re going to pull that off.”
“It could take more than trussing twine to hold me down tonight.”
Katy Perry is belting out “Peacock” from the radio. Not Blades’s taste in music at all, which makes it all the sweeter to hear. “Break me off, if you bad, show me who’s the boss,” Katy chides.
“You are, as ever, challenging, Miss Hen.” He gets a foxy look in his eye that sends a thrill of electricity through my insides. “There’s more than one way to tie a bird, you know.”
“Really, Mr. Blades?”
Holy crap, what have I started?
From deep in the Sub-Zero he produces a rasher of bacon. He hasn’t even touched me, but the sight of the long, pink strips makes my tail tremble.
“Is bacon your answer to everything?” I ask, panting a little.
“It does the trick,” he answers, holding a porky lasso a couple of millimeters beyond my reach. He grabs the box of foil and tears off a sheet. I can’t stand how arrogant and smug he is right now, but I also can’t stand not having that bacon on my skin.
I relent, with a strange, pleasurable sensation suffusing my body.
“Oh, twist my arm,” I moan.
SERVES 4 TO 6
¼ cup maple syrup
¼ cup soy sauce
¼ cup chopped scallions, white and green parts
1½ tablespoons rice wine or apple cider vinegar
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
15 chicken wings (about 3 pounds), patted very dry with paper towels
8 strips bacon
1
In a large bowl, combine the maple syrup, soy sauce, scallions, vinegar, garlic, and pepper and mix well. Add the chicken wings and toss them gently so they are bathed in the heady liquid. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let the chicken marinate in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours or overnight.
2
Preheat the oven to 450°F. Slice the bacon in half lengthwise to yield long thin ribbons, perfect for restraining your bird.
3
Remove the wings from the marinade and wipe off any clinging garlic or scallion pieces. Tightly tie up each chicken wing in a bacon ribbon and lay the chicken wings, wing tips up and expectant, on a large baking pan. Cover the pan loosely with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Uncover the dish and continue to bake until golden and crisp, another 10 to 15 minutes. Serve hot, using your hands to devour.
