Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

INTRODUCTION

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

About the Author

INDEX

H
ow have I gotten myself into this? I glance around the spotless, meticulously organized kitchen: trussing twine, skewers, mallets—is that a
cleaver
? Holy crap.

I don’t even fit in. I share a shelf in the fridge with a ham so enormous I have to huddle up against the door, even though it’s a double-wide Sub-Zero. The other shelves are stuffed with bags of leafy greens, neatly wrapped paper parcels of what might be fish or fancy cheese, and uniform rows of carefully labeled condiment jars. Down in a crisper all by itself is a radish, aloof and flaunting its freshness. Then there’s me, mundane, scrawny, and shrink-wrapped.

I’m closest with the enormous ham, even though she’s so much cooler than I am. She hogs the shelf, but she’s my nearest, dearest friend. She’s piquant, smoky, salty, pigheaded, bodacious, and always seems to know what’s cooking. She’ll make an exceptional holiday dinner.

SUDDENLY THE FRIDGE DOOR
I’m resting on swings open, and I find myself rolling off the shelf and falling toward the kitchen floor.
Crap.
My plastic wrapper bursts as I land, and my giblet bag slides halfway out.
Double crap.
Damn my cheap packaging.

Instantly I feel hands on me, lifting me carefully from the tiles. Long, powerful fingers cradle me from underneath and expertly tuck my giblets back in place.
Holy cow.
Something clenches deep inside me.

My rescuer lays me gently on a countertop. He’s wearing jeans and a clean white apron. He’s young and handsome, with a rakish mop of hair. He has muscled arms and clearly works out. But it’s his hands that have me mesmerized. They’re smooth, pale, perfectly manicured, and beyond competent.

The kitchen is all sleek white tile, blonde wood, and black granite. There’s no clutter on the shiny counters and the ceramic backsplash is
bare, except for an incredibly long magnetic knife rack. It’s filled with gray steel blades of all kinds—fat, thin, long, short, curved, and straight, and all of them obviously sharp as hell. Displayed together, they are breathtaking. He notices my attention fixed on them.

“You like my collection?” he asks coolly.

“Extraordinary. Like an artist’s tools,” I say slowly. He cocks his head to one side, and then to the other. He looks at me in a way that sears my gizzard.

“I couldn’t agree more,” he replies, his voice suddenly soft, and for some reason I find myself blushing.

“There m-must be four dozen knives up there,” I stammer. I’m hypnotized by their gleaming edges and his hands at the same time.

“Fifty blades, to be precise,” he intones. “This kitchen is my domain. I need to have complete control when I prep.”

Holy shit.
The way he says it shakes my liver out of place again. Mr. Blades can prep me any time.

“I can imagine,” I manage to say.

“It’s all about finesse, Miss Hen.” Whoa, he keeps shifting direction. He’s so weirdly formal. Who calls a chicken “Miss Hen”? But then nobody’s ever really taken the time to talk to me before.

“I have enormous respect for food,” he continues. “To derive deep satisfaction from the mundane: tournéing a radish, cutting a potato, portioning a syllabub. These form the foundation of what I do.”

“Raising the mundane to the extraordinary,” I say, mesmerized. I really shouldn’t look at his hands, it’s unsettling.

He cocks his head and gazes at me. I blush again under the burning force of that stare. He’s cooking me with his eyes.
How does he do that?

His words continue to echo in the secret darkness of my soul. “It’s all about finesse.”
Chickens don’t do finesse,
my subconscious sneers at me. I flush at my foolish, inward thoughts. But a girl can dream, can’t she?

H
e’s clearly not into me. I wait quietly on the counter and watch his skillful, knowing hands work. Desire pools way down in my cavity and in spite of myself I start to daydream while he preps a radish.

He cocks an eyebrow. “Penny for your thoughts, Miss Hen?” He appears focused on his task, but there’s a sly glint in his eye.

I flush.
Oh,
I was just imagining your hands traveling up my thighs and your teeth nibbling my breast.

“You seem to have a lot of little bowls,” I say as calmly as possible.

He has arranged a dozen tiny ramekins in an orderly row on the counter. He fills each of them with a spice, an herb, or a chopped ingredient carefully portioned from a measuring spoon.

“You’re a very sharp-eyed chicken,” he says, and that look returns. “I exercise perfect control over everything that happens in this kitchen. I require exactitude from my ingredients.”

What a control freak. And arrogant to boot. But the apron he’s wearing hangs off his hips in a way that turns my bones to jelly.

“So, what are you whipping up there?” I ask hopefully.

“Well, what I’m ‘whipping up,’ as you put it, is a
salade composé,
” he says without a trace of humor in his smile. “I create experiences. It’s my belief that a meal can be a transcendent experience, like a Bach concerto. It’s all about finesse. I know what makes ingredients tick. I find the best ones, and then take them beyond themselves. The bottom line is that it always comes down to ingredients that know what I want.” He stares at me intently.

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? He’s constantly shifting. One minute he’s all foxy looks and hungry smiles, the next he’s curt and sharp. His fridge is packed with exotic foods, but he seems to have eyes only for the radish.
Could it be?

“Are you a vegetarian?” I blurt before I can stop myself.

He draws a sharp breath. I am mortified beyond words.
Double crap.
Why can’t I keep my head on for once? My agonized subconscious is begging me on bended knee to stop gabbling.

“No, Chicken, I’m not.” He cocks his head to one side and stares coolly at me. He is not amused. I cringe. I feel the blood drain from my entire body.

“I’m sorry,” I stammer, “it just popped out.”

A timer goes off, saving my skin.

“You know, I could find a use for you in this menu,” he says suddenly. “The preparations would be minimal enough for a novice, with relatively uncomplicated flavor profiles.”

Is he considering me for an entrée?

“Oh, thank you, but I don’t think I’m up to scratch.”

“Why not?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”
I’m underweight, graceless, and wrapped in cheap plastic.

“Not to me. I suspect you have great potential. You seem so versatile.” His gaze is intense, and I feel a strange pull low down in my body.

“I appreciate the offer,” I stammer. “I really do. But I don’t believe I’m prepared for the position.”

He sets his mouth in a hard line for a moment, then picks me up in his hand. He adjusts my wrapper and helps me back into the Sub-Zero.

“Very well, Miss Hen. Until we meet again.”

I feel a strange charge come through his fingertips before he sets me down. Must be static electricity. I believe I’ll never live down the “vegetarian” question. But I have a thrilling, dark intuition that those hands aren’t done with me.