Fighting (35 page)

"You're
on."

He
smiled and said, "You really shouldn't have ever mentioned anything about
getting naked."

I
squinted my eyes at him and we laid our cards on the table.

Oh. 
Fuck.  I had a flush, but he had four of a kind!  He won.  Shit!

I
swallowed my dread and said, "We should set some ground rules for
this."

"Alex,
you really should have brought that up before you lost," he said in mock
regret.

"What
are you going to make me do?" I asked sullenly.

He
eyes were dancing.  "I think I'll take my time to really think over my
options and then I'll get back to you on that."

I
sighed and rounded up all of the cards as he sat back and watched me wearing a
satisfied expression.  Arrogant bastard.  I didn't hesitate to stand up and
leave the table as soon as I had put the cards back in the box.  I grabbed a
slice of pizza and sprawled across the bed, picking up the remote to flip
through the channels. 

"What? 
You freezing me out now?" he asked like he thought it was funny.

"No. 
I'm just not going to freak out over it until you actually make me do it."

"Maybe
I should make you do it right now," he said.

I
looked over at him.  "You forget who you're talking to?" I asked. 
"You can't psych me out."

He
leaned his chair back to balance on two legs and smirked, oozing sexy
confidence.  "No babe, I always know when I'm talking to you."

I
squinted my eyes at him in calculation.  "You talk to other women like you
talk to me, you must get laid left and right."

His
eyes sharpened and pinned me to the spot as the smile dropped from his face and
he landed on all four legs of his chair.  "What are you saying?"

Shit,
that sounded like I wanted to sleep with him.  Which I did but that wasn't part
of the show and tell segment that evening.  Or any evening.  He looked a bit
uneasy, like he thought I was about to hit on him and he wasn't sure what to do
with that. 

What
a clusterfuck this entire trip turned out to be. 

I
casually took another bite of my pizza.  "Calm down, I didn't mean
anything by it."

His
shoulders relaxed but he still looked suspicious. 

"Then
why did you say it?" he pressed.

I
wanted a do-over where I wouldn't say anything at all.  "I don't know.  I
was just thinking about how smooth you are and girls . . .  You know I can't
turn my mind off.  Whatever.  Forget it."  I stared at the TV and stuffed
my mouth with the rest of my pizza.

I
was casual on the outside, but on the inside I was shouting at myself to just. 
Stop.  Talking.  Downhill, party of one.

He
focused on the box of cards in front of him and busied his hands moving it
around the tabletop.  "And what do you think?"  I flicked my eyes
back over to his blankly, mentally pleading for him to drop it.  "About me
and girls?"

"I
don't think anything."

"That's
not what you just said."

There
has never been a situation I couldn't talk myself out of, but I somehow managed
to dig all of these holes around Ethan and then conveniently lose the shovel so
I was trapped with no escape.

I
relaxed every muscle in my body, shrugged at him ambiguously and looked back at
the TV indifferently.  "Girls fall for that cocky shit.  You're good at
it."

He
didn't say anything and I turned the TV volume up.  I watched in my peripheral
vision as he stood up and sat out on the balcony.  I watched a movie and he
stayed on the balcony, watching the roads and surrounding buildings.  My movie
went to commercial break and I figured that was as good a time as any to take a
shower.

My
pajama shirt was dirty, so I stole the shirt Ethan had worn the previous day. 
It was loose enough that I opted not to wear a bra to bed, sick of both normal
and sports bras, alike.  I looked at myself in the mirror wearing just his
shirt and considered not wearing any sweat pants.  The shirt hit just below my
ass and I could get away with it, but decided that was playing with fire.  I
tugged on my sweat pants and combed through my hair. 

Ethan
was still out on the balcony so I reset the tripwire for the front door and
then snuggled under the covers and turned the TV volume down so low it was
nearly muted.  I lowered down flat on my back with my hands by my sides and
focused on my breathing.  I slowly and methodically tensed and then relaxed
every muscle of my body.  This was the closest thing to meditating I ever did,
and I only did it when I needed to clear my mind.  My mind was crammed so full
of shit, it ached.  The biggest part of my headache was relaxing out on the
damn balcony.

I
had just reached a point of tranquility when the balcony door slid open and he
walked back inside.  I tried to stay focused, but he was just too distracting,
even though I could tell he was trying to move through the room quietly because
he thought I was asleep, or at least trying to fall asleep.  He locked himself
in the bathroom for a shower, and then came straight to bed.  I felt the bed
dip beside of me and then almost jumped when I felt his hand on mine, but I
realized he was just stealing the remote control from me.  He flipped the TV
off and then rolled over to sleep.  I couldn't be sure, because I didn't want
to open my eyes, but I was pretty sure he was turned toward me.  Not only was I
tensed up again, but I couldn't move under the guise of sleep.

Oh,
fuck this.  I didn't want to lie to him unless I absolutely had to.

"I
know you're not asleep," he said.

My
eyes snapped open and I twisted my neck to look at him.  My pupils dilated to
adjust to the lack of light and managed to zero in on his eyes, dimly lit by a
small lamp in the corner of the room and the moonlight shining through the
sliding doors.

"I
was trying to be," I said.  He just watched me and I narrowed my eyes. 
"We're not going to have another fucking heart to heart, are we?" I
griped mildly. 

I
was not in the mood for his perceptiveness to kick in and for him to give me
the rejection speech so that we could ‘
stay friends forever
.’

I
could swear he looked disappointed in me, though I didn't know why.  "No. 
Go to sleep, Alex," he muttered.  He flipped on his back and didn't say
anything else.

Shit,
I couldn't do anything right anymore.  I took a step back and looked at the
bigger picture.  I was trying to avoid him rejecting me, and in doing so, I was
subtly rejecting him in small ways that he definitely noticed.  I blinked at
him and then turned to stare at the ceiling in contemplation.

I
licked my lips and then chewed on my top lip.  There was no way I could
apologize for that without explaining why.  And I didn't want to, anyhow.  I
felt like I was saying I was sorry left and right when ordinarily, I only
apologized when I spilled someone's coffee.  It was exhausting being
responsible for my actions with people I actually cared about. 

Time
slipped by, and I felt like I barely blinked.  Neither of us moved, and I
didn't want to chance a look at him to see if he was asleep or not.  He probably
was.  His breathing had deepened and slowed.  I still didn't change my
position.  For whatever reason, I couldn't will myself asleep and was stuck
staring at the ceiling, lost and adrift among my relentlessly churning
thoughts. 

I
finally moved to check my wrist watch and was appalled to find that hours had
passed, and it was now after two a.m.  I chanced a glance at him and he was
definitely out like a light.  I sighed and finally turned onto my side.  But
then it was like when you didn't cry for ten years and then suddenly let loose
on your tears; the floodgates were opened and I couldn't stop.  I tossed and
turned restlessly, because yeah, I usually did have Ethan on my mind at night
before sleeping, and now I had him in bed with me.  I kept fucking up and
letting private thoughts slip out of my mouth and now there were these weird,
uncertain feelings coating our skin like ash; noticeable but not enough to do
any actual damage.  Yet.

I
turned toward him and stared at his profile in the moonlight.  I was getting by
at the compound, knowing he was there when I needed him and that I could find
some alone time for when I needed space from the overwhelming feelings I
couldn't act on.  Now he was with me all the time, constantly.  Literally, the
only time I had away from him was when I was in the shower, and Naked Time was
not a great time to think about the shit that had been running through my head
with his constant, tempting nearness.  I saw him shirtless like three times a
day, and I practically fanned myself every time. 

I
was in bed, lying a foot away from the only guy I ever needed, ever craved, and
I knew this was the closest I'd ever get to him.  I also knew if I kept
thinking about it too hard, there was a chance my frustration would manifest
itself somehow, most likely in an embarrassing way, so I got up quietly and
slipped on my hoodie and socks.  I snuck out of the room, down the hall and
around the corner to the drink machine.  I bought a soda and went to the
hallway balcony that overlooked the city lights.  I leisurely drank almost the
entire drink and then realized that caffeine was probably not the answer to my
restlessness.  Damn, didn't think that one through. 

I
sighed and shuffled back to the room.  I opened the door and was immediately
captured in the darkness by hands and shoved against the wall.  I abandoned the
bottle of soda and went on the defensive.  I ripped my arms out of their grip
and dropped to my knees and pivoted away.  I jumped back to my feet to throw a
punch in the direction of my attacker but froze when I heard his voice.

"It's
me!"

I
stepped back and flipped on the light in the hallway. 

"Damn
it Ethan, what the hell are you doing!"

I
got a good look at him in the light and took a step back.  And then another. 
He.  Looked.  Furious.

"Me?"
he seethed.  "What the hell are you doing?  Where have you been?" he
demanded.

"I
went to get a drink."

His
scowl deepened and he took a step toward me.  I took another step back so that
I was in the room, not far from the bed. 

"At
three o'clock in the morning?" he asked in his hard
don't fuck with me
voice.

"Yes." 
I felt like I was in trouble, and when I recognized that, it made me angry so I
turned my back on him and walked toward the sliding doors of the balcony.

"I
woke up alone and worried because you were thirsty?" he said, his tone
rife with sarcastic disbelief.  "Don't walk away from me!" he yelled.

I
turned to him and shouted back, "I had to get away."

"From
what?"

"I
just needed some space," I tried again.

"From
what?" he repeated impatiently.  We were separated by ten feet and when I
didn't immediately answer, he advanced and halved the distance but stopped in
his tracks suddenly.  "From me?  You need space from me?"

"Yes. 
I mean, no!" 

He
looked troubled at that, and somehow still angry.  "Why?" he spat at
me.

How
could I explain that these past few days had been the best and worst of my
life?  That his constant nearness was making everything I felt so intense that
it was torture to keep my hands to myself?  I couldn't.  So I didn't.

"It's
all too much!  I just needed some fresh air to breathe."

He
became furious and stalked me again, forcing me to keep my distance and retreat
to hover in front of the wall.  He stopped abruptly and pointed at me
accusingly. 

"You
are not the only one dealing with shit here," he rumbled, his voice rising
again.  "I'm here too, and I need you just as much as you said you needed
me!  I went out of my fucking mind with worry and was two seconds from chasing
you down, thinking you stepped out and they somehow got to you!  You can't do
shit like that!"  He advanced toward me but I was frozen to the spot by
the depth of his fear for me.  "What if you had been taken?
 What am I
supposed to do without you
?" he thundered, now less than a foot away
from me and not stopping.

He
fit his hands under my arms, so that his thumbs pressed into the skin above my
breasts, and he shoved me against the wall right before his mouth came down on
mine.  I felt electricity thunder through my entire body as he molded his lips
against mine in a hard, furious kiss.  I inhaled quickly and my eyes widened in
major surprise.  His lips pushed against mine angrily as my brain completely
failed to comprehend what was happening.  Every muscle on my body was still
frozen.  Within seconds though, I caught up and closed my eyes.  I lifted my
hands to frame his face and finally move my lips against his, but before I
could, he was suddenly gone.  I stumbled forward a few steps as he quickly
backed up away from me with his hands in the air and his eyes wide like he
couldn't believe what he had just done.

"I-I'm
sorry," he stammered.