Fighting (36 page)

If
it wasn't enough that I knew he didn't return my feelings, it was a major hit
to my ego to know that he was horrified at even sharing a short kiss with me. 
I stood there stunned, but with him across the room again, my brain rebooted
and started working overtime.  The hope that quickly flared hot and strong
inside of me deflated into a heartbreaking bundle at my feet.

He
sat on the bed with his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his hands,
breathing hard.  Regretting it, thinking it was a mistake, exactly what I was
afraid of.  I blinked and wiped my mouth, quick to reassure him. 

"It's
okay.  It's fine.  You don't have to worry about giving me the wrong idea.  I
know."  I nodded my head quickly and took a single step toward him. 
"I know you don't feel that way about me."  His head snapped up and
he looked at me, a curious look on his face, but I ignored it and pressed on,
determined to see it through so that our friendship didn't fall apart.  "I
think we've just been pent up together for too long with too much tension.  I
know you didn't mean it."  He began to look frustrated and I rallied to
say the right thing.  "I think you need to take a breath before you do
something else you regret."  He stood up and glared at me.  Oh, he was
definitely getting angry again.  What was I saying that was wrong!  I was
grasping at straws at that point.  I raised my hands helplessly.  "I
--"

"Stop
talking," he ordered.  I shut my mouth and dropped my hands, thankful that
I didn't have to keep stuttering.  "Is that what you think?" he asked
incredulously.

And
for the first time ever, Ethan made me feel stupid.  My anger burned so hot, I
was about to combust.

"Yes,"
I clipped.  "I think we've spent too much time together.  Trapped."

"I
make you feel trapped?" he demanded.  "I make you feel
trapped
?"
he said slower, his voice rising again.

"No!"
I yelled, annoyed at not saying what I meant.

"That's
what you just said!" he accused me.

"I
said that we are trapped together, not that you make me feel trapped!" I
snapped, patience long gone.

He
crossed his arms and said hotly, "What
do
I make you feel?"

Hell
, no.  This would not lead to anything
good.  I snapped my mouth closed and shut my face down.  He saw it and cocked
his head to the side, knowing I was hiding something from him and not liking
it. 

"Answer
me!" he demanded.

He
took two steps closer.  He was relentless and I knew he wouldn't just give up
if I said nothing, so I had to say
something
. 

"Alex,"
he warned dangerously.

I
raised my eyebrows and said, "I think --"

"Fuck
what you think! 
What do you feel
?" he roared at me.

And
something inside of me snapped in half.

"Everything!"
I snarled, shouting at the top of my lungs and advancing on him. 
"Everything that I shouldn't be feeling for you,
I feel
!  We're
together constantly and it's intensifying everything I already felt at the
compound and its driving me fucking insane!  Out of my mind with frustration!
You're right there by my side or within touching distance, all day and all
night.  You gotta know you're one of the best things in my life, but you're
also a big fucking problem for me because
I can't have you
!" I
raged, shoving him back a step with both of my hands.

I
was so absorbed in my own fury that I noticed his face change way too late.  He
didn't look the least bit angry anymore.  He looked totally surprised, like he
couldn't even fathom the words I was saying.  His confusion only served to
frustrate me further.

"It's
your fucking fault that I needed space from you, you idiot!" I lashed out.

I
turned around and stomped back toward the wall a few feet but stopped and
turned when he spoke.

"I
make you feel things?  Things you shouldn't feel?" he asked in a subdued
tone of voice, apparently over his own anger.

But
I wasn't over mine.  "Fuck yes," I clipped back instantly.

He
took a step closer.  "Like what?  What do I make you feel?"  The
anger had left his face and was replaced with an intense concentration.  On me.

I
shook my head, warning him to stop, both physically and verbally.

Another
step closer.  "What do I make you feel, Alex?"

I
realized with alarming clarity the huge mistake I had just made.  I told him I
had feelings for him.  No, I didn't just tell him, I
yelled
about them.

Oh,
fucking hell
!  I went into escape mode, except that running from the
room, let alone the hotel, wasn't really a viable option.  I could go to the
bathroom, but that seemed silly.  Plus, I'd never make it without him catching
me first.

I
took the last step back that I could.  My back hit the wall and he watched me
closely as he cautiously took his last step closer, too.  My anger evaporated
and I became a bundle of nervous apprehension.  My breathing was becoming
labored and my heart was tripping over itself violently from both our fight and
his extreme closeness.  Painstakingly slowly, he lifted a hand and placed it
against the wall beside my face and crowded me with his body, so that all I
could see were his face and shoulders. 

"Right
this second, what do I make you feel, baby?" he asked softly, face inches
from mine.

"Don't
call me baby," I said feebly.

"You
love it when I call you baby," he returned swiftly.

"No,
I don't," I lied.  Totally lied. 

He
lowered his head a centimeter closer and said, "Your pupils dilate and you
usually lose your train of thought for a second or two."  His eyes flicked
from my eyes to my lips and back again.  "You love it," he whispered.

I
really, really did. 

I
pressed my eyes closed tightly and his presence was so close and intoxicating,
I could almost feel him all over my skin and he hadn't even touched me.  Then I
felt his hand close over the side of my neck and my eyes snapped open again.

He
licked his lips as his eyes scanned my face.  "I need you to answer
me," he said.  "What do you feel when I touch you?" he amended.

"Out
of control," I said raggedly, like the answer was ripped from me against
my will.  I ground my teeth together and swallowed nervously.

"Why?"

The
jig was up, so I let him see it.  The helplessness to the feelings he incited
in me.  The fear. 

"Because
I'm so into you, I can barely breathe when you're close," I breathed out. 
"And I can't do anything about it because I could lose you, and I'd rather
keep you at a distance than not have you at all."

He
pressed his forehead against mine.  "Baby," he murmured, conflicted.

My
toes curled anxiously and I felt both hugely relieved and wary because it was
out there, and I absolutely couldn't take any of it back.  It was out of my
hands.

He
raised his head and I didn't even care how pathetic I sounded when I said,
"It's driving me crazy, Ethan, but it's okay.  I can do it because you're
my best friend."  His brow furrowed and I put my hand on his chest in a
placating gesture.  "Really, don't feel bad and don't let this change
anything."

He
shook his head slightly and said, "You're so blind."  I raised my
eyebrows.  "Alex, you're all I've wanted since our trip to the grocery
store."

My
mouth dropped open.  "What?" I whispered.  Totally fucking
astonished.

What. 
The.  Hell?

"Just
because you didn't look at me then like you do now doesn't mean I didn't look
at
you
and see you for who you really were."

"Are
you serious?" I asked in a small voice.

Eyes
on my slightly parted lips, he gave a distracted, "Mmhmm."

He
watched me carefully as he lowered his head and closed his eyes right before he
very slowly fit his lips against mine.  I was slow on the uptake because my
mind was still blown, but it was as if my lips were just waiting on his because
I instantly kissed him back and framed his neck with my hands, holding him to
me.  He pressed his face closer and put his hand at the back of my head,
pushing.  His lips softly caressed mine in a slow exploration.  He ran his
tongue along my bottom lip and I shivered.  He felt it and pressed even closer
against me.  I moved one of my hands up to feather through his hair and hooked
an arm around his neck, pulling myself up and pushing my chest into his.  He
wrapped an arm around my back and pushed me against the wall.

His
hand at the back of my head slid around to cup my jaw, and he kissed the corner
of my mouth before trailing kisses along the other side of my jaw and to my
ear.  I could hear his heavy breathing and it turned me on even more, knowing I
was the cause of it.  My body temperature was rising and I couldn't seem to
catch my breath.

"You
want me?  I'm already yours," he spoke in my ear raggedly.

I
felt that
everywhere
, and then he was kissing me again, harder, more
demanding.  His tongue pushed against my lips and I opened my mouth.  He
deepened the kiss and explored the inside of my mouth thoroughly, but he wasn't
taking his time anymore.  His movements were becoming more hurried by the
second.  I matched his pace and heard myself moan into his mouth.  He slipped
his arm lower to wrap around my waist and pressed our hips together. 

Fuck,
but he could kiss.  I was always infatuated with his lips, and I was ecstatic
to discover that he really knew how to use them.  I felt myself grow more
excited in anticipation of what was to come, because if his lips were this talented,
I could only imagine good things about his hands and hips, and what they could
do to me. 

I
wrapped both arms around his neck to pull myself up more.  I was so engrossed
in kissing him that it took a minute to really sink in that this was really happening. 
I was really kissing him.  I poured all of my emotions that I had kept bottled
up into it and kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone ever before.  I could
feel him pressed against me from my face to my knees, feeling his hard body
that was hard
everywhere
, and my body was on fire because of it. 

I
shoved my hand up the back of his shirt, seeking skin to skin contact. 
Impatiently, I pulled the hem of it with both of my hands, and we disconnected
so I could rip his shirt completely off.  He leaned his torso away and let me
slide his shirt down his arms for him.  His hands quickly found my jaw and his
lips reconnected with mine.  I met him halfway, skimming my hands up the
muscles in his back, savoring the warmth and feel of him.  He made a noise in
the back of his throat, put pressure on his hand and slid it around to my back
and down to fill his hand with my ass.  I gasped into his mouth and wrapped my
leg around his leg, encouraging him and desperately needing to be closer.  He
ghosted his hand up to my waist, and then achingly slowly dipped his hand below
the elastic waist band of my pants and down inside my underwear, so he was
cupping my bare ass.  If my eyes were open, they'd have rolled into the back of
my head with delirium, his hand there felt
that good
. 

I
made some kind of helpless whimpering noise when we separated for a split
second to breathe, our mouths still touching.  He looked at me darkly and ran
his nose along mine before finding my lips again.  He pulled at my lips with
his and backed an inch away to look at me briefly before repeating the motion
several times, teasing my lips.  He kept his hand where it was on my ass, his
fingers pulsing occasionally, but wrapped his other arm around my shoulder
blades, so his fingertips pressed against the side of my breast, and fully
committed to giving me what I was asking for, kissing me roughly. 

My
hands slid around to his front and I took my time feeling his muscles, just
like I did on his back.  His arm left my back and skated down my side to rest
on my hip for a moment before both of his hands reached up and he slid my
jacket off my shoulders and down to the floor.  He slid his hands slowly up and
down my ribs twice, and the third time they slid up, it was under my shirt.  I
made an approving noise, and his hands froze right under my breasts.  He left
them there for a second, probably giving me time to protest, and then his
thumbs swiped the underside of my breasts. 

I
bit his lip and then pushed my tongue into his mouth aggressively.  He groaned
right before his hands slid up and he fully cupped the swells of my breasts. 
He ran his thumbs over my nipples and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't already been
wet, that would have done the trick.  I gasped and let my head fall back
against the wall.  He kissed the underside of my jaw and down my neck while he
fanned all of his fingers down over my nipples.  He kissed me as he slowly slid
his palms down my breasts all the way to my hips and then right back up to my
breasts, pushing them up and massaging.  My toes curled in on themselves and I
unwound my leg from his to press my thighs together desperately.  And then he
fanned his fingers over them and did it all again.