Fighting (39 page)

Oh, fuckbuckets.  The four deadly words.  He's going to break up with
me before we even freaking start anything. 

My
heart was breaking in two but I kept my tone intact when I said lightly,
"Sure thing." 

I
walked away and my body felt heavy, like I was wading through thick gelatin.  I
lost my appetite, so I abandoned my food plans and didn't even stop to change
into August's shorts.  I went straight to the ocean and stood with my feet
submerged in sand and water as my brain short circuited. 

I
liked to think that I'd grown as a person.  I knew the difference between
running away for safety and for selfishness.  I knew that love was worth the
risk.  I knew that I'd rather care about five other people than live in a
hollow, tiny little box by myself.  And now, I knew what real heartbreak was. 
Great, I could call myself a real live adult now.

I
backed away from the waves and dropped to my ass on the dry sand a few feet
away from the tide.  I pulled my knees to my chest and stared out at the ocean,
trying to mentally prepare myself so that I didn't have a breakdown when he
eventually got around to telling me we would always be friends.  I wanted to
become angry or indignant for him leading me on, but he was right to second
guess us, whatever we were.  There was more at stake here than just two
hearts.  We had a whole family to consider, which is what had me spooked in the
first place.

Hours
passed and August came out to the shore and sat down beside of me.   She handed
me a bottle of sunscreen and gestured to the sun.  I slathered it over my
exposed skin and didn't hesitate to loop my arm through hers after I finished.

"You
okay?" she asked.

"Just
tired," I lied. 

One
day I was going to go a whole day without lying to the people I loved. 

"Ethan
was wanting to know if you wanted anything to eat from the Chinese
restaurant," she said.

"Not
really."

She
squeezed my arm with hers and scooted closer to me, knowing I needed comfort
but not knowing exactly why.  I don't know how long we sat there, but it was
apparently long enough for Spencer to become curious.  He plopped down right
beside of me and gave me a good once over. 

"I've
been up for over twenty four hours," I told him.  "I'm tired."

"I
can see that," he said. 

He
looked out at the ocean view and didn't pressure me for more explanation.  God,
I loved these people.  I leaned my head against his shoulder as I tried and
failed to resurrect the anger I felt early this morning with Ethan.  I wanted
anything but this helplessness I felt.

August
and Spencer told me about some of their adventures together, and I listened
avidly, grabbing at the chance to live vicariously through someone else for a
moment.  The sun was hovering over the horizon behind us so we saw the shadow
of someone approaching us from behind.  I knew without looking who it would be.

He
rounded to the front of us and looked directly at me.  "I'm going in to
town for some food.  Come with me," he said.  He wasn't asking if I was
hungry.  He wasn't asking anything.  He was
telling
me it was time for
our talk. 

I
hid my nerves and said, "Okay."

He
held out a hand to help me up but I ignored it and pushed to my feet by
myself.  He turned to walk toward the car without waiting for me and I went
back to the deck to grab my shoes.  "We'll be back," I said to
August.

She
anxiously looked from the car to my face.  "Sure," she said.

Ethan
was waiting behind the wheel of our car when I made it to him.  I dropped into
the seat and said nothing.  If he was going to do this, I wasn't going to make
it easy on him.  He kept his silence as he confidently wound our way through
the city.  He parked in front of the Chinese restaurant and didn't move to
leave the vehicle.

He
licked his lips and I knew it was coming.  But then he got out and walked
around to my side of the car.  I got to my feet right as he reached me.  I
turned to cross the street but he wrapped a hand around my arm and pushed me
back against the door of the car.

He
released me and his eyes were hard when he asked, "What are you
doing?"

"You
wanted to get food," I said, perplexed as to why he was upset. 

"No,
what are you doing?  What are we doing?" he asked, growing impatient with
me.

I
snapped out of my daze and felt a tiny hint of the frustration I was searching
for earlier.  "I'm starting to not like it when you repeat things without
clarifying them," I said.  "You're starting to sound like Ross."

His
eyes darkened and a muscle ticked angrily in his jaw right before he
unexpectedly thrust a hand into my hair and kissed me urgently.  I was confused
as shit, but I still matched his fervor and kissed him back.  And then I shoved
him away.  He released me but didn't back away from me. 

"What
the hell are you doing?" I demanded breathlessly.

"Why
are you avoiding me?" he countered.

"What?"
I asked, baffled by his actions.  "I'm not avoiding you."  Except I
kind of was.

"You've
barely said two whole sentences to me since my nap on the ride over this
morning.  And you practically had a seizure when you realized August might
figure out that we're together," he accused.

Whoa,
what?

"Together?"
I whispered.

He
narrowed his eyes.  "You want clarification?  Fine, I'll give it to you
straight."  He caged me in against the SUV with his hands pressed against
the window by my shoulders.  He dipped his face close to mine and said
heatedly, "I want to touch you.  I want to claim you in public and in
front of Spencer and August without you freezing up.  I want to be with you, be
near you just to see you smile at me like you did this morning.  I want you
close and all you've done all fucking day long is pull away," he said
irritably.  "So tell me.  Why are you avoiding me?"

Relief
and faith were battling sorrow and doubt in my chest.

"You
aren't breaking it off with me?" was all I was able to ask.

He
looked at me like I was speaking a different language.  "No."

"You
want to be with me?" I asked.

"Obviously,"
he rumbled.

"And
it's not just for a good time?" I asked suspiciously.

He
looked offended and took a step back.  "No.  Is that why you wanted me
this morning?"

"No!"

"Then
why are you so far away?" he demanded.

The
sun was setting behind his head, so his face was painted with shadows that
matched his disquiet.

"You
said we were going to talk, but you never brought it up.  I was just trying to
give you space to think about everything, make sure you didn't change your mind
in the light of day," I explained.  "Then we got here and were
surprised by August and Spencer's presence.  And August is too perceptive.  I
freaked out because I didn't want them to know.  I knew it would hurt if you
changed your mind, but it would make it so much worse if we dragged everyone
else into this.  I don't want their pity.  And then you wouldn't even look at
me."

He
shook his head.  "I know what I want.  Do you?"

"No
doubt," I said instantly.  He raised his eyebrows, prompting me. 
"You," I said quickly.  "I want you."

Relief
danced across his features as he cupped my face and pulled me to him.  He
kissed me more gently and I'm pretty sure I had an out of body experience.  I
kissed him back as everything in my world clicked into place.  We separated but
stayed close, looking at each other in silence, letting the fact that we
officially gave into our desires marinate for a minute. 

Relief
and happiness totally murdered the sorrow in my chest.  Devastated it.  I felt
the first tendrils of belief float through my body and I felt a small smile
play on my lips.  I ran my fingers over the three buttons of his henley shirt.

"You
and me?" I asked, hope laced heavily in my voice.

"Yeah,"
he said softly.

"Okay,"
I grinned. 

"We
still have things to talk about," he said.  "Like the fact that you
don't want the others to know.  I'm calling veto on that.  I need them to know
because I'm not keeping this a secret.  From anyone."

"Okay,"
I agreed easily.  "I'd rather not lie."  

He
glanced around us and we realized at the same time that we were easy targets
standing out in the open like that.  "Let's get the food and go
back," he said.

We
ran inside and bought a lot of food so that we would have leftovers to munch on
since we didn't have any groceries.  He drove us back to the house and I
balanced all of the plates in my lap.  We rode in silence again, but this was
much more comfortable, almost lazy. 

We
pulled into the driveway and he halted my exit with a hand on my leg. 
"You're not going to make me go through all of that again, are you?  Look
at me like I'm crazy and pretend it never happened?"

I
looked at him like he was crazy right then.  "Like hell, buttercup. 
You're officially off the market and I'm not holding anything back anymore. 
You try and pull that shit on me and you'll be walking around with two black
eyes and a limp."

He
laughed and we walked inside the house.  August was at the counter reading, but
I'm pretty sure she was waiting for us to get back, nervous to find the state
we would be in.  She was marginally shocked to find us both openly smiling. 

"Spencer,
we have Chinese if you want any!" I yelled out.

He
didn't answer but he did show up with an empty plate.  Ethan took the bag from
me and walked out to the deck table.  August flicked on a light switch that
illuminated string lights that were wrapped around the railing for low lighting
in the quickly fading daylight.  I darted into the kitchen for plates, forks,
and drinks.  I came back out and Spencer was already chowing down.  August
joined us and her eyes continued to bounce between us in confusion.  She was
either too kind or too wary to bring it up.

"Damn,
that was tasty," Spencer said, literally licking his plate clean. 

"Spence,
you have sauce all over your face," I laughed.

Spencer
took a mound of napkins and wiped them haphazardly over his mouth. 
"Better?"

All
three of us nodded, even though he still had a noodle somehow stuck to his
neck.  I gathered all of our trash and threw it away.  Ethan boxed up the
left-overs and placed them in the fridge.  They were all in the kitchen washing
their hands or refilling their drinks as I stood in the threshold of the deck
door and stared at the ocean as the sky darkened and the stars began popping
out. 

I
felt heat at my back and knew without looking that Ethan had walked over to
stand behind me.  He swept his fingers across my shoulders to gather my waves
to one side and then he slowly slid a heavy hand around my waist and to my stomach
to press me back against him and I went all too easily.  I could feel his chest
rising and falling against my back with his breathing and I had a full body
shiver when I felt his mouth just barely brush against my exposed neck. 

"Like
that," he murmured.  "Goosebumps," he whispered, like he was
thrilled by my reaction to him.

Yeah,
he felt me shiver.  I leaned my head back on his shoulder and he put his mouth
against my neck right behind my ear.  I closed my eyes and my breathing picked
up slightly as his free hand gripped my hip and he skimmed his other hand farther
over to grip my waist so his arm was hooked around my stomach and he pressed us
closer together.  I was totally lost in the feelings he was evoking in me.  I
couldn’t even think of any words to say to him.  I was floating in total
oblivion, thinking only of what his hands and mouth were doing to me, and he
was the only thing anchoring me to the spot.

I
raised my head and pressed my forehead against the glass of the sliding door as
he slowly trailed his mouth around to the nape of my neck.  We both snapped out
of it and lifted our heads and turned when we heard footsteps.  Spencer and
August walked past us obliviously to sit in the oversized, cushioned deck
chairs to catch a better view of the ocean and Ethan and I followed them outside
to do the same.  Ethan pulled my chair closer to his and we sat listening to
Spencer tell us more about their trip.

"So
then we had to buy new clothes because I was too paranoid to hang out at the
laundry mat for too long," he said.

"Yeah,
we had to buy new clothes, too," I said. 

"Did
you guys run into any of the bad guys?" August asked.

Ethan
and I shared a glance.  "Yeah," Ethan said.  "Did you?"

"No."

I
suddenly laughed and told them about the guy who tried to steal the other
motorcycle.  "I forgot to tell you about that," I told Ethan. 
"The motorcyclist headbutted the guy and he fell to the ground.  The car
just left him behind, lying out in the road," I said.