Finding Divine (14 page)

“Honey, if you eat two pieces of fruit I’ll leave you alone, although you really sure eat more. The doctors want to admit you, and I’ll be damned if I have you hospitalized again like some loony-toon. I just wish you’d talk to me and tell me what’s on your mind. At the very least it would be nice if you’d acknowledge my presence.”

Jessica could hear the frustration in her mother’s tone but just didn’t have it in her to respond. If she just sat here passively, maybe life would slip away. As for the baby, what could she do about it? It was better off not being here either. What if it had his eyes, or his smile? She’d be reminded every day about what a fool she’d been to fall for him so fast and give her body to him over and over again. 

What made finding out about Simon so painful was the fact that she couldn’t hate him. He’d even robbed her of that. Shortly after Jason’s death she’d pretty much been in the same state she was now: not responsive, hiding in the world she’d built inside her head. It had been several months before she’d recovered and by then, the men who’d been arrested for Jason’s murder had already pleaded out. She’d thought then she could move on, especially since her parents never spoke of it. Now she knew she hadn’t and might never get past the pain and the deep sense of loss. She’d merely been fooling herself all these years, and all it took was for Simon to make it all apparent.

All these years she’d hated the three men who’d pleaded for her brother’s murder, yet not felt the same toward the one who got to walk away as if nothing had happened. And how was it possible that she still felt the lingering love in her heart for someone who could commit so heinous a crime.  It was like her soul was ripped in two. With each passing day she buried herself deeper and deeper into her own world.

Hands gripped her shoulders, and shook her.  “Jessica! Snap out of it! This is your mother speaking and you have to do as I say!” Marie’s voice grew angrier with each passing word, yet Jessica remained immobile, staring at the wall, unable to dredge up enough emotion to care.

Something suddenly stung her cheek and it vaguely registered that her mother had struck her. “Jessica! Answer me!” her mother screamed frantically.

Though her face now ached she didn’t move, couldn’t look away from that spot on the wall. Nothing really mattered. Even when she heard her mother sobbing it didn’t make much of a difference. The doorbell rang, and she heard it rather than saw her mother get up.

Raised voices registered, but she couldn’t make out who it belonged to. The next thing she knew, someone was taking her and pressing soft lips against her injured cheek. “Jessica, sweetie, it’s Dad. Can you hear me?”

Having her father here only made things worse. One parent was bad enough when she wanted to be left alone, but two would only push her deeper into her hole.

“Keith, I told you not to come over because I can handle it.”

“Oh, I see the way you’re handling it. Why is your handprint on Jessica’s cheek? Beating on her won’t snap her out of this funk she’s in. I told you what we should do.”

“I won’t put her in a hospital.”

“But I’m her father, and I have just as much say in her care as you do. If you want her to get better, maybe the best thing to do for her is to--”

“No. Don’t say it. I won’t have her committed.”

“She wouldn’t be going to a psycho bin if that’s what you’re thinking. The clinic that Dr. Phelps suggested will help her through this. It’s apparent she never grieved for Jason properly, and now maybe it’s time for her to do just that. Lord knows, we’ve ignored her anxiety issues getting worse over the years.”

“It’s that boy’s fault. I don’t understand how he’s free to walk with no consequence.  He’s taken away one of my babies, but I won’t let him have another. And now Jessica is pregnant. Maybe if she got rid of it…”

“Marie, you’ve said some stupid things in your life, but that by far takes the cake. You’re talking about getting rid of our grandchild as if it’s an outfit you want to return to the store.”

“Well, how are you going to deal with it when it comes?”

“When Jessica delivers, I’ll love him or her. Marie, you’re letting your emotions talk right now. You know you’ve always wanted grandchildren. What does it matter who the father is? The baby will belong to Jessica and she needs our support, especially if she doesn’t ever come out of this. We’ll need to band together for the sake of the baby and watch it if need be.”

“I suppose you have this all figured out, don’t you? You think you know everything, don’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh nothing. How’s Bimberly, by the way. I meant Kimberly. That is the child’s name, isn’t it?”

“Marie, don’t be petty.”

“I’m not being petty. I’m not the one going around town with Miss Ghetto Barbie. You’re a laughingstock.” Even in her deep haze and wish to ignore what was going on around her, it was clear to Jessica her mother was spoiling for a fight.

“Says who?”

“Says me. I think it’s nasty.”

“And you’d know about that, wouldn’t you? Tell me how ladylike it was of you to be passed out on our front lawn with your dress hiked around your waist, stinking drunk. Or the time you threw up all over the dance floor at my cousin’s wedding. Yes, you’d know a lot about nasty, don’t you?”

“Maybe I drank so much to mask the pain of my husband being unable to keep his dick in his goddamn pants!”

The yelling was grating Jessica’s nerves like a jackhammer. She stood up, and walked to her bedroom to lie down.

“Now see what you’ve done?” she heard her mother yell.

Jessica buried her head in the pillow until the voices were muffled. She didn’t want to hear anymore.

Marie paced the floor of her daughter’s living room, wondering how she could get Keith to leave. Damn the man for coming over here when it was her turn to sit with their daughter. He was probably over here to check up on her to make sure she wasn’t taking a drink of something. Her alcoholism was a reality she had to deal with, but to have him constantly throw it in her face was too much to handle.

“Why don’t you sit down, Marie? You look like a clucking chicken.”

She shot him a dirty look. “You’re not the boss of me and anyway, I wish you’d leave. As I said before, I have a handle on things here.”

“You do? Then why does this plate of food look untouched? You said you’d get her to eat something. She’s wasting away. I think it’s time to put her in  the hospital because not only is she starving herself, she’s starving that baby, and I swear if you say one more time that you don’t care what happens to it, I’m going to strangle you, woman.”

“And it’s always about you, isn’t it? What about me?”

“This isn’t about you. It’s about our daughter. I’ve already lost one child, and I’ll be damned if I lose another.”

“I can do this. I’ll get Jessica to eat even if I have to stuff it in her mouth and force feed her.”

“And what will that solve? It’s not going to help her state of mind. Besides, you can’t be with her every single second of the day.”

“We’ve been taking shifts. Isn’t that working?” Marie refused to admit defeat. Her baby wasn’t crazy and she wouldn’t let anyone say otherwise.

Keith stood up and placed his hand on her shoulder and she flinched, but his big bear like hand held her firm. She looked up at him and her heart did a flip-flop. Lord, he was handsome. With his onyx black skin, cinnamon eyes, and dark wavy hair he’d inherited from his Native American grandmother, Keith was still one of the sexiest men she’d laid eyes on. When he flashed his big white teeth, he made dentists everywhere proud.

He was large, standing six foot three and built like a Mack truck. There’d been a time when he’d engulf her in his arms and she’d feel so safe and secure. Now those big arms were holding someone else.

Why did she still have to find him attractive after all this time, especially when he’d broken his marriage vows and cheated on her with every bimbo that came his way? And why did it still hurt so much? Dealing with her son’s death had been bad enough, but when Keith had left, she’d thought her life was over.

If it hadn’t been for Jessica, Marie wouldn’t have sought the help to get better.  She’d dealt with her grief for Jason and even her alcoholism, but she was still dealing with what Keith had done to her. She looked away so as not to be mesmerized by his hypnotic gaze.

“Marie. Please see reason. I don’t like the idea of our little girl going to some clinic either, but you have to admit that neither of us is capable of dealing with her as she is now. I mean when we each tried to take her home, she panicked like I’ve never seen before. It took nearly an hour to calm her down. Even when her voice grew hoarse, she didn’t stop screaming. I’ve never seen anything like it. Not even when Jason died were her reactions this severe. Please, let’s put aside our differences and come to an agreement on this. Besides, this clinic is nothing like that place she was in before. It’s a private clinic with specialists in dealing with cases like our daughter’s.”

Marie sighed, pulling away and turning her back on him. Deep down, she knew that admitting Jessica to the clinic the doctors had recommended was probably best for her, but it was still hard. It was like admitting they’d failed her. They’d put her in a psychiatric ward when Jessica had her first mental breakdown, but Marie had been so guilty over it they’d taken her out after only a week.

“You’re right, Keith. I guess it’s time to take Jessica to that clinic to get her the help we should have gotten her twelve years ago. And I’ll do my best to help out Jessica any way I can with the baby, but it will be hard coming to terms with who the father is.”

Keith turned her around gently looking down at her with those soft brown eyes of his. “Would it really be that hard, baby cakes?”

Anger tore through her at the term of endearment he used to call her when they were still in love. “Don’t you dare call me baby cakes. You lost the right to do so the moment you walked out on our family.”

“I didn’t walk out on you and Jessica and you know that. I was pushed.”

She gasped at his audacity. “Pushed? You couldn’t wait to leave for work every day and didn’t come home until all hours of the night.”

“And can you blame me when I knew I’d come home to find you passed out somewhere? Whenever I would beg you to get help you’d scream and get belligerent. Have you conveniently forgotten how I got this scar on my forehead? Let me remind you. You threw a bottle at my head. What did you expect me to do?”

“Our marriage vows said for better or for worse, not you can leave when the going
gets tough. I was upset about Jason and you know it.”

“And I wasn’t allowed to grieve too? How do you think it made me feel when you were more willing to find comfort in a bottle of Jack Daniels than your own husband? I admit that I haven’t been perfect in our marriage, but you have to start taking some responsibility for our split.”

“I know my drinking caused a rift between us, but did you have to have an affair with that skank? Why did it have to be her?” Marie still couldn’t believe he’d slept with their neighbor and her best friend at the time. She’d known Tasha was attracted to her husband, but Marie never would have thought her friend would stoop so low as to go after him in a time of grief.

“Tasha listened to me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. And contrary to popular opinion, I didn’t have sex with her until after you’d already accused me of cheating. Believe it or not my vows meant something to me. I even wanted to work things out, but you stubbornly refused.”

“And why would I want you back after you’ve put your pole in every back alley tramp in town? I don’t want your cooties.”

“That was childish and uncalled for. Newsflash, I don’t sleep with every woman I date.”

Marie pursed her lips and crossed her arms. “But I bet you sleep with that Kimberly girl.”

His eyes narrowed. “Frankly, that’s none of your business. As you’ve pointed out that I lost the right in calling you baby cakes, you lost the right to ask me who I chose to be with when you demanded the divorce and signed the papers. No matter what the two of us have gone through we could have worked it out, but now we have nothing. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, and I’m tired of getting cut open every time I see you. For the sake of our daughter can’t we at least be civil?”

Marie’s bottom lip trembled traitorously as tears stung the back of her eyes. When would the hurt stop? She was on the verge of telling him to go to hell when the doorbell rang. Marie hoped it wasn’t that boy. The last time he’d been around here a couple weeks ago, it’d taken a long time for her and Ellie to calm Jessica down.

If that was him, he was going to get an earful. Turning away from Keith, she went to answer the door and was surprised to see a coiffed, immaculately dressed woman with pale blue eyes standing on the other side. Marie didn’t recognize this as one of Jessica’s friends so she wondered who it might be.

“May I help you?” Marie asked cautiously.

“Is this the residence of Jessica Smith?”

Marie frowned. “Yes it is, but she’s not available to visitors right now.”

The woman’s face fell, despair apparent. “Oh. Well, when do you think it’s possible for me to see her? It’s quite urgent.”

“And you are?”