Finding Divine (20 page)

Simon allowed his gaze to rake over her body.  Her belly was huge, so large in fact it looked like she’d pop any second. He didn’t know a lot about pregnancy other than what he’d managed to research online over the last several weeks, and either she carried a lot of water weight or one huge baby. That aside, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and her condition made her even lovelier.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

“I would have thought that was obvious. May I come in?”

She shook her head. “I can’t do this with you right now, Simon. I just don’t have the strength.”

He frowned. What was she talking about? “Didn’t you want to see me? You told my mother that…”

A frown marred her face. “Your mother?  The last time I saw her she crept into my room at the clinic and demanded I speak with you, and afterward she was escorted off the premises.”

Breathing became difficult. “I…you…you didn’t tell my mother you wanted to see me? You told her you wanted to work things out, and for me to be a part of the baby’s life, you--”

By the confused look on Jessica’s face Simon knew he’d been had. His heart plummeted. For months, the only thing that had gotten him through the long hours of therapy was the hope that one day he and Jessica would be together again, or at the very least they’d be on good enough terms to successfully co-parent.

The sting of his mother’s lies sliced at his soul, just when the two of them were working toward a better relationship. They had both reached a comfortable understanding to the point where he was starting to see her as his mother for the first time in his life. 

To know she’d lied shattered him. His legs grew wobbly and he felt as if he’d collapse, but he willed them to keep him steady.  “Tell me you told her you wanted to see me,” he tried one last time, still in disbelief.

Jessica shook her head, cradling her stomach, protectively. “I need you to leave. The doctor told me I’m not allowed a lot of stress. Like I said, I just don’t have the strength to deal with you right now, Simon.”

“But your therapy?”

“Helped me to cope with my brother’s death and my anxiety issue, but it didn’t change what you did. Look, I know you feel guilty and I’m sorry you were hurt in your accident, but being around you would only remind me of how Jason died. I don’t believe I’m ready for that yet.”

“But what about the baby? I don’t want to be an absentee father. Legally, you can’t keep me from it,” he persisted. Now that he was here, standing so close to her, Simon couldn’t passively let things go.

Jessica sighed, leaning her head against the door. “You’re right. I can’t keep the babies from you. We’ll figure something out I’m sure, but right now, I can’t deal with this.”

“But Jessica I--” he paused wondering if he’d heard her correctly. “Did you just say babies?”

Her shoulder slumped in resignation as she exhaled. “Yes, I’m carrying twins.”

Twins! It now made sense why Jessica was so large, and her being a twin herself it shouldn’t have been that big a surprise.  He’d gotten used to becoming the father of one child, but two? Elation wasn’t strong enough a word for what he felt. “Darling, that’s wonderful news.” When he moved to take a step closer, she took one back.

Jessica held up her hands in a defensive gesture. “Don’t touch me.”

It ripped at his insides to hear her say those words. He loved her so much, and it was clear she had yet to forgive him even though he couldn’t blame her. What he’d done was horrible and his deception in not telling her had only compounded the act.

His knees buckled as the ache set in and his muscles spasmed. His cane fell to the floor as he threw his hands out to brace himself as he fell. Luckily only his pride was hurt when he hit the ground.

“Simon!” she squeaked with horror. Jessica reached for one of his arms and assisted him as he attempted to get back to his feet. “Are you okay?”

With her help, he managed to prop himself up against the closest wall. “It’s okay. My damn legs still aren’t strong enough for me to stand for long periods of time.”

“And I’m guessing you weren’t supposed to drive either.” Once he’d steadied himself again, she let go. She bent down and handed him his cane which he gratefully took.

He raked his hands through his hair with a sigh. “I was led to believe that…that you still cared. Obviously I was wrong. I shouldn’t be surprised though. It wouldn’t be the first time my mother has lied to me. Look, I know you don’t want me near you, but do you mind if I come in for a few minutes to have a seat. My muscles are aching like a son of a gun.”

A look of uncertainty crossed her face. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

He closed his eyes briefly, trying to wish away the pain to no avail. When he opened his eyes, Simon could see the wariness with a hint of fear in Jessica’s eyes that caused more pain to his heart than the ache in his body. He didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable around, him nor did he have the energy to fight with her. “Fine. I’ll sit on the stairs for a minute before I go. He limped toward the stairs.

“Simon wait,” Jessica called.

“What?”

“You can come in for a few minutes.”

“You don’t have to let me in if you don’t want to. I don’t need your pity.”

“I’m not offering you pity, I’m offering you a chair to sit in. Seeing as how you came all this way to see me, it’s the least I can do.”

He had no pride left where this woman was concerned. “Thank you. I’d really appreciate that. She stepped back, opening the door wide enough to let him in, making sure they didn’t touch.

“You should probably take it easy.”

“I’ll be all right after a sit for a couple of minutes.”  When Simon took a seat on the sofa, he stretched out his legs. Relief.

An awkward silence encompassed the room as Jessica paced back and forth, eyeing him with suspicion.

Unable to stand the tension, Simon spoke up. “How have you adjusted to the idea of having twins?”

A shadow of a smile touched her lips. “I imagine it will be twice the work as one baby but also twice the love.”

“Pregnancy suits you. You look beautiful.”

She snorted. “But I feel like a stuffed elephant. I don’t know how my mom did it but my hat is off to her. Oh!” she exclaimed, clutching her stomach.

Alarm seized Simon. “What the matter?” He would have jumped to his feet had his legs cooperated.

“Nothing. I think one of the babies kicked, except, a lot harder than usual.”

“Is that normal? Are you in pain?”

“I’m fine. They get feisty sometimes. The question is, will you be okay? Should I call someone to come pick you up? You really shouldn’t have driven here in your current state.”

He smiled humorlessly. “You almost sound like you care.”

She shrugged. “Feelings can’t be turned off like water in a faucet.”

“Jessica, I just want you to know, I wouldn’t have come if I’d known you didn’t want to see me. But now I’m here, I’d only be fooling myself if I didn’t at least try to explain to you about what happened that night. I’m making no excuses, just offering an explanation.”

She shook her head. “It wouldn’t do you any good if you did. I’ve already told you we can’t go back to the way things were. There are way too many obstacles in our way.”

“I understand,” he sighed with defeat.

“Do you really, because I’m not sure you do. You can never understand what it does to a person to lose a loved one in a violent act. And while I believe you didn’t know who I was when we first met, when you found out you didn’t tell me. I want you to know how much I loved Jason. How I wake up every day with a piece of my heart missing. I thought you would be the one to fill that void inside me, but you’re the one who created it and then made it bigger.”

He winced as her words flayed into him but it was no more than he deserved. “I wish it had me instead of him, but like you said, I can’t go back in time and change things. Regardless of how you feel about me, you have a baby—babies on the way, and as I helped create those two lives, I’m willing to take full responsibility for them. You can’t do it all on your own.”

She raised her chin stubbornly. “I’ll get plenty of help from my parents and Ellie.”

“Maybe so, but it’s no substitute for their father. Be rational, Jessica.”

She doubled over, clutching her stomach, a look of pain on her face. “I’m not having this discussion with you right now,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Jessica, are you sure you’re okay? I don’t know much about babies, but it looks like they’re doing more than just kicking.”

“I’m fine, I told you. You’re agitating me.”

Simon refused to be deterred when it came to Jessica’s well-being. “How long ago did you get one of these pains before I came?”

“I wasn’t keeping track. I think you should leave now. You’ve had a chance to rest your legs.”

“Do you think I’d leave you when you’re in pain, Jessica? What kind of heartless jerk do you think I am? No. Don’t answer that.” He struggled to his feet, though his legs still ached.

“It’s nothing,” she said, doubling over again.

His eyes narrowed. “You were having these pains before I came, weren’t you? It’s a little early, but maybe the twins are ready to come.”

Panic spread over her face. “This can’t be. Not without my mother. You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Whether you want me here or not, I am, and I think we should get you to the hospital.”

“No. I’m not going anywhere with you,” she said vehemently. “I’ll call someone. The only thing I want for you to do is leave.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Hobbling to where Jessica stood, he grasped her elbow. “I’m taking you to the hospital. You can call your mother when you get there, but I’m not arguing with you on this.”

Jessica wiped a tear from her eye. “Why couldn’t you just stay away?”

Simon sighed. “If I could have avoided causing you distress I would have, but right now you’re in need of medical assistance. This isn’t the time for post- mortems. Get your purse and let’s go. One of your parents can come by later and get an overnight bag.”

“You’re in no condition to drive,” Jessica pointed out.

“And you’re in no better shape than I am. I’ll manage.”

She glared at him, before clutching her stomach in apparent pain. If he could, he would pick Jessica up and carry her out of here. “Fine,” she said.

Minutes later, he had her bundled in his car, driving her to the hospital she’d given him directions to. They didn’t say a word as he drove, but two things ran through his mind: the first was that his mother had a lot of explaining to do, and the other was if this wasn’t a false alarm, he was about to become a father.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“You have to breathe, Ms. Smith. It will go a lot easier for you if you relax,” the nurse coaxed.

“Easier said than done,” she huffed before belting out a loud primal scream. Whoever said childbirth was hell wasn’t kidding. Her throat was raw and she wanted something to drink, but the most they’d give her were some ice chips to keep her mouth moist.

The nurse shook her head. “Didn’t you take Lamaze classes?”

Jessica wasn’t crazy about the woman’s surly tone. “How about you lie on this table with your legs wide open for the world to see and try to push something the size of a beach ball out an opening no bigger than an egg? Otherwise, shut up! I’m doing the best that I can.” Tears ran down her face and the pressure in her body was unbelievable.

By the time they’d arrived at the hospital, she was too far along for the doctor to administer an epidural. Nothing could quite compare to the incredible pain Jessica felt, and she didn’t need some snooty nurse telling her she wasn’t breathing correctly.

The nurse sniffed. “There’s no need to be testy, Ms. Smith. You’re not the first woman to give birth.”

“Your bedside manner is sorely lacking, lady. She said she’s doing her best, how about laying off?” Simon spoke up. He’d been quiet for the most part, but now he made sure his presence was known. Jessica had been adamant that he stay away once they’d pulled into the hospital, but Simon wouldn’t leave. By then she was in way too much agony to argue. Now she was glad to have someone supportive holding her hand. Even when her nails dug into his palm, tearing flesh, he didn’t complain.

“Sir, I’ve been a labor and delivery nurse probably before either of you were born, so I’d appreciate you not telling me how to do my job.”

“And I’d appreciate it if you get off your goddamn high horse and realize that your brand of coaching isn’t helping.” Simon turned to the doctor. “Does she have to be in here?”

The doctor looked up, a slightly distracted expression on his face. “For Pete’s sake, Nancy, leave the poor woman alone. If you want to make yourself useful get me the tongs. Baby A is going to need a little coaxing coming out.”