Finding Divine (29 page)

“I didn’t just come over for them. Believe it or not, I care about you, too. I don’t want to see you suffer.”

A faint smile touched his lips. “Careful, you might make me start believing you still love me.”

Without missing a beat, she whispered, “I do.”

He raised his head, certain he hadn’t heard her correctly.  “What did you say?”

“I said I do love you. I never stopped. The problem has never been the depth of my feelings but learning how to cope with our issues that both of us still need to deal with.  When I saw you in such a dejected state, it woke something in me.  You’ve carried the weight of your guilt for so long it manifested into a monster that’s holding you back. Because you never forgave yourself, you didn’t know how to forgive your father. But I think it’s time for you to learn how.”

Her words echoed what Keith had told him months before. “You’re right. I’ve seen a handful of therapists, but each time one of them would touch a nerve I stopped going. I’d tell myself okay, but what I was really doing was putting a small bandage on a gaping wound. I want to learn how to let go. I want to be the father my children deserve and the man you deserve.”

Jessica looked away, a slight frown turned the corners of her lip down. “That sounds nice, Simon. I’m all for you seeking help but I still have my own issues to work out. I need to get myself in order before I can be all that I can be for any relationship.”

“You’re perfect the way you are.”

She offered a tight-lipped smile.  “I’m glad you think so, but I’m nowhere near the point where I can throw myself into a relationship right now. The problem with us is we’ve been broken for so long we accepted it as normal. We fell in love so quickly without the benefit of friendship because I think we were both looking to fill a void in our lives, you with your father and me with my brother.”

Simon sighed. If there was even the slimmest chance of being the man Jessica needed in her life, he would do everything in his power to get there. “Maybe one day we just may get it right.”

“Yeah, but for now, I need some time, as do you.”

He captured her hand and brought it to his lips. “You’ve got it. But in the meantime, there’s no reason why we can’t be friends.”

Jessica buried her face against his neck, placing a kiss against his collarbone. “I’d like that.”

They embraced one last time before Jessica pulled away.  “I’ve left the twins long enough, and Ellie has her own children to take care of. Will you be around tomorrow to see them?”

Simon nodded. “Yes. You can’t keep me away. Again, I’m sorry for staying away these past few days.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again. The twins will be very pleased to see you. They’ve missed you.”

“I miss them too. I was a selfish jerk.”

“Shh. You don’t have to say another word about it. Just show up tomorrow and all will be forgiven.”

“You wouldn’t be able to keep me away if you tried.”

For the first time in over a year, Simon dared to dream of a happy ending.

Later that night when the children were sleeping, Jessica made the phone call she’d been dreading to make for weeks. She hadn’t seen or heard from her mother since their argument. Being the prideful woman Jessica knew Marie to be, it was up to her to make the first move.

Jessica wouldn’t back down when it came to how she raised her children, or whom she allowed in their lives. But she couldn’t condemn Simon for not forgiving his father, and not try to make amends with her own mother. 

With trembling fingers, she dialed her mother’s number and waited for an answer. After several rings the call went straight to voicemail. Jessica hoped it was because her mother was actually out and not because she was screening her calls.

Just as Jessica was about to leave a message, her mother picked up with a breathy, “Hello?” It sounded as if she’d been running.

“Mom, it’s me, Jessica.”

Silence greeted her on the other end.

“Mom, I know you’re there. Please say something.”

After another long pause Marie finally said, “I didn’t expect to hear from you. I thought you’d forgotten me.”

Jessica refused to take the bait. “Mom, how have you been?”

“I’ve been fine. How are you and the children?”

“They’ve been keeping me busy. Did you get the pictures of them I emailed to you?”

“Yes. They’re very nice. They’re getting so big. They’ll be adults before you know it.”

Jessica chuckled. “Let’s get past their first birthday before we talk about adulthood.” She paused before saying, “They miss you.”

“Oh, really?” Marie sounded surprised at this announcement. There was something subdued about her mother, Jessica couldn’t quite put her finger on.

“Yes. It would be nice if you’d come see them sometime. I believe it’s important that they grow up with you in their lives.”

“That wasn’t the impression I was given the last time I was there. What’s changed your mind all of a sudden?”

“Nothing has changed my mind. I never wanted you to drop out of their lives in the first place. That was your decision. But I knew you wouldn’t be the one to call, so I did. You’re my mother. Regardless of what you think, I do love you very much and would like to have you in my life as well as the children’s.”

“Is that so?” her mother asked tonelessly. Jessica could see her mother wasn’t planning on making it easy for her, but she wouldn’t give up so easily.

“Yes, and furthermore, even though I do love you, I won’t be emotionally blackmailed by you. Simon is the father of my children and he’s welcome to see them anytime he wants. If he happens to come over at a time you’re visiting, I will not have him disrespected in my home. This isn’t about choosing sides, it’s about doing what’s right.”

“So you didn’t call to apologize?”

Jessica had hoped their time apart would have softened Marie but it disappointed her to learn it hadn’t. “No. I have nothing to apologize for. I’m putting the ball in your court. I love you very much and I want you in my life, but if you can’t respect my wishes, then it’s on your shoulders.”

“I haven’t been the best of mothers, have I?” That statement surprised Jessica. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been trying to screw up the courage to call you but I didn’t have the nerve to do it. I’m glad you were the bigger person, because old habits are tough to break. I was being childish. And you’re right, you don’t owe me an apology after the way I acted. I’m the one who needs to. I’m sorry, Jessica.”

Contrite wasn’t a word she’d ever associated with her mother but this time she seemed very much so. Tears sprang to Jessica’s eyes. “Oh, Mom, I wish it hadn’t taken us so long to talk. I missed you and wished I hadn’t waited so long either.”

“Thank you, baby. It does my heart good to hear you say that.  I’m seeing a therapist now. Something I should have done a long time ago. I may not always be perfect I but I wanted you to know I am making an effort.”

“That’s wonderful news, Mom. I’m glad to hear that. What has Dad said about it?”

There was a humorless laugh on the other end of the line. “We haven’t spoken in weeks and I doubt he’d want to talk to me.”

“Why wouldn’t he? He hasn’t mentioned any falling out. For a while, I thought the two of you would get back together.”

“Well, I thought so too, but I messed everything up.”

“Maybe you should go apologize to him. I don’t think he’s going to be the first one to call this time around. If you want things to work out between the two of you, you’re going to have to be the bigger person.”

“I know. It’s just so hard after all this time. What if he’s moved on and found someone new?”

“He hasn’t mentioned anyone to me, and even if he has, you won’t know until you talk to him.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Mom, there’s something else I wanted you to know.”

“What?”

“What do you think of the idea of Simon and me getting back together?”

“Are you asking for my approval?”

“No. I don’t need it, but as I courtesy, I’m asking for your thoughts.” Jessica could hear Marie grind her teeth, but this was her life and she’d remain firm in her resolve. “Mom, are you there?”

“Yes. Give me time to digest this news.”

“It’s nothing definite, but I wanted you to know it’s a possibility.” She held her breath as she waited for her mother’s answer.

“Jessica, you’re a grown woman. I can’t stop you from living your life. This isn’t good news to me, but if you love him, and your father seems to think he’s okay, who am I to stand in the way of your happiness? You’re my daughter, and I love you. I haven’t always taken your needs and feelings into consideration, but I want to try. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but this one is still learning.”

Jessica’s tears now glided down her face. “Do you really mean it?”

“Yes. I do. I can’t promise to like him but I’ll try to be cordial.”

“Thank you, Mom. It makes me happy to hear you say that.”

“You mean a lot to me. I’m glad you called. I’ve been a selfish old goat, but through it all you still loved me. I don’t deserve a daughter like you. That horrible thing I said to you—”

“It’s forgotten, Mom. Having you in my life means more to me than any silly argument we may have had.” It felt good being on speaking terms with her mother again. Jessica hoped her mother found the peace she herself was getting to know.

  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

Simon attempted to knock on the front door of the house he’d grown up in. He hadn’t stepped foot on this property in over ten years. A feat so simple shouldn’t have been so difficult. All he had to do was knock on the goddamn door and get it over with, but something stopped him.

Every time he poised his hand to grasp the door knocker, he froze. He took another deep breath and tried again, but this time when he nearly accomplished the goal, the door flew open.

His mother stood on the other side, an elegant brow raised. “I saw your car pull up over fifteen minutes ago. I was beginning to wonder what happened to you.”

He was at a loss. Visiting his mother had been his purpose in the first place, but her appearance surprised him. The guilt hit him like a brick wall.  After all, this was the first time he’d seen her since the funeral. She looked thinner, and tired, with dark circles under his eyes. Simon felt like a first class jerk for not keeping in contact with her like he should have.

“Hello, Mother,” he greeted her a bit more formally than he’d meant to. “It’s good to see you, Simon. Are you going to just stand there or will you come in?” She stood back enough to allow him entrance.

Simon stepped inside. The painful memories of the past he thought he’d feel didn’t come. Instead, an innate sadness filled him. There was so much misery he’d suffered inside these walls, but the only person he could really blame was himself. Sure his father hadn’t helped matters, but it was he who’d given in to the bitterness, anger, and hurt. And because of it, Simon had lost the opportunity to forever make things right with his father.

A large lump formed in his throat as he looked around. Not much had changed since he’d last been here. He caught sight of a portrait from the corner of his eye of the family taken fifteen years ago. Simon remembered that day well. He’d still been in high school. Simon had made the honor roll that quarter, and he’d been so proud to tell his father about what he’d done, but like everything else he’d achieved over the years, his father had mocked it, turning a positive into something Simon felt he should be ashamed of.

Later that day, they had their annual family portrait. Simon studied the picture, clearly remembering the pain he’d felt. Though his smile in the picture said otherwise, the eyes didn’t lie.

His mother must have noticed him studying the picture, because she commented. “That was the last family portrait the four of us had together. After that one, you refused to participate.” There was no accusation in her tone, but he could detect the sadness in her words.

“I’m sorry.” It seemed the only appropriate thing to say although he was sure it wasn’t adequate. The pain he saw in her eyes cut him deeply.

“It’s okay. I understand why you chose not to participate in family portraits after that day. Your father had been in rare form. I know he regretted not having another portrait of all of us together, what with Jennifer living overseas and coming home infrequently.” She shrugged, then pasted a smile on her face. “Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll have Carlotta fix you something to eat.”

“I thought she would have retired by now. I didn’t see her at the funeral.” Simon was surprised that she was still worked here after all this time.

“She’s still here, but only part-time. Carlotta would have been at the funeral, but her youngest daughter was having a baby and she wanted to be there. I couldn’t begrudge her that.”

Simon took a seat on the chaise lounge. “It’s okay. I’m not really hungry. Actually I’m not staying long. Jessica and I are taking the children to a concert. Some group from a kid’s show or something like that is touring and apparently the twins love them.”