Finding Divine (28 page)

His telephone rang. Simon looked at the clock on his nightstand and frowned. It was well past midnight so it could only mean an emergency. His first thought was Jessica. He hoped something wasn’t wrong with the kids. When he checked the caller ID, however, he was it was his cousin.

“Hey, Pete, what’s going on man? Is everything all right?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

“Pete?”

“Simon, I’m sorry.”

“What is it?”

“I’m so sorry, man.”

Simon became alarmed by Pete’s solemn tone.

“Did something happen to Aunt Penelope or Uncle Stu?” Simon demanded.

“You father had another heart attack. He didn’t make it.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Jessica hoped she was doing the right thing. Even though Simon told her he was fine she knew that wasn’t the case. Not only that, his strange behavior was starting to affect the children. Sure they were nearly seven months old, but babies are smarter than people gave them credit for and can sense tension.

When Jessica had found out about Harold Lange’s death, she’d felt awful for Simon. The rift between father and son would never be repaired. She thought Simon would feel awful with the way he’d left things, but when Jessica offered her condolences he’d shrugged it off as if it had been no big deal.

Ann Lange was devastated. Jessica attended the funeral out of respect for Simon and Ann. While most of the attendees were visibly shaken, Simon maintained a stony visage. She couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t even the least bit bothered. Whenever she tried to broach the subject, he’d either quickly change it, or snap.

A month and a half had now passed, and with each visit Simon made to see the twins, she could sense his irritation about something. Things had come to a head one day when Jessica had run to the store and left Simon with the babies. The twins had been teething and were understandably irritable. When she’d come home, with her arms full of groceries, she’d walked in on a red-faced Simon. “Just be quiet!” He’d yelled in frustration. Of course this had only made the twins cry harder.

Jessica had dropped her bags and rushed over to him. “Simon, what the hell is the matter with you?” If she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes, she never would have believed Simon capable of raising his voice to the kids. She knew how much he loved them, and she’d found the scene disturbing.

As though realizing what he’d done, Simon’s face had lost all color. “Oh, my God,” he’d whispered in obvious horror. “I’m sorry. I have to get out of here.”  He’d grabbed his jacket and left. It had been over a week since she’d last seen or heard from him.

Jessica knew something was terribly wrong for Simon to stay away from the children. Whether he cared to admit it or not, the death of his father had affected him in some way.

That’s how Jessica found herself pulling into Simon’s driveway to check on him. Both his vehicles were in the driveway but the lights inside his house were off. She shut the engine off and hurried to get out.

Jessica pounded on his front door. “Simon,” she yelled, “I know you’re home. Open up!”

She stood outside the door for more than a few minutes before she received a response.  Jessica didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t the sight that greeted her. Simon looked like an absolute mess. He obviously hadn’t shaved in days judging from the stubble on his face. His hair was disheveled, and his clothes were rumpled and stained. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot.

“Simon, what’s happened to you?”

“What are you doing here, Jessica?” he asked tonelessly. “Did something happen with the twins?”

“They’re perfect. I left them with Ellie. May I come in, please?”

“Why?” His words slurred slightly.

She frowned. “Have you been drinking?”

He laughed without humor. “Don’t worry; I don’t plan on getting behind the wheel anytime soon.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Who’s joking? What do you want if the twins are fine?”

“Let me in and you’ll find out.” She wouldn’t allow him to deter her.

He swaggered back, giving Jessica enough room to walk past him. “By all means, come on in.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

A rancid smell hit her nostrils the second she stepped over the threshold. She nearly gagged at the stench. “Simon, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“Ramona and Dennis ran through the house after they were sprayed by a skunk. They’re both in the backyard now. I gave them a tomato juice bath.”

“Eww, why didn’t you do anything about the odor inside the house? It’s horrible in here.”

“The cleaning lady is coming in a couple days. No harm done.”

“What’s the matter with you? How can you live like this? Where are your cleaning supplies?”

“That’s not your job.”

“No it isn’t, but this place isn’t fit for human habitation. It’s disgusting. Now tell me where the cleaning supplies are, or I’m going the store to buy some. And when I get back, if you don’t open the door, I’ll break your window to get back in.”

He stared at her through narrowed eyes. “What does it matter to you what state my house is in?”

“Because I’m not going to have the twins over in this funk tank. It should matter to you as well.”

“Maybe I don’t want them over here.”

Jessica opened her mouth to respond but no words came out at first. It took several seconds to find her voice. “You don’t mean that.”

He shrugged. “You saw how I was the last time I was around them. I never want to be that man again.”

“Then tell me what’s going on with you. Don’t hold it all in.”

“Jessica, it’s best if you just left well enough alone. I shouldn’t have forced my way back into your life or the kids’. I see now it was a mistake.”

“It’s too late, you’re in their lives already, and I won’t let you suddenly abandon them just because you’re in some kind of rut. Point me in the direction of your cleaning supplies, and for the love of God please take a shower and shave, you look like a bum.”

Simon stubbornly remained rooted to the spot but Jessica refused to back down. She was fighting for her children and to some extent for Simon as well. She intended to help him even if he didn’t want to help himself.

After an uncomfortable amount of time passed, he sighed.  “You’re not going away, are you?”

“Nope.”

He growled, “You don’t know what you’re dealing with, Jessica.”

She crossed her arms and lifted a brow, not bothering to dignify his statement with a response.

“The cleaning supplies are under the kitchen sink,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

“When the dogs ran through the house, how far did they get?”

“Just the kitchen and living room.”

“Thankfully you have a hardwood floor in here, but the throw rugs will need to be aired out and the couches will have to be sprayed. Okay, now go upstairs and do what I said and I’ll clean up down here.”

“Jessica—”

She pointed to the stairs. “Don’t argue with me! Go!”

“Didn’t realize you could be so bossy,” Simon muttered before leaving to do as she instructed.

Once Simon was out of sight, Jessica set forth on her mission. She opened the windows to get some fresh air circulating in the house. Jessica then proceeded to the kitchen to find the cleaning products where Simon said they’d be. She washed the dishes, tossed the empty alcohol bottles in the recycling bin, scrubbed the counters, mopped the floor and took out the trash. Once she was satisfied with the kitchen she took the throw rugs outside to air out and sprayed the fabric upholstery on the furniture.

By the time she finished her task, Jessica was exhausted, but headed upstairs to check on Simon. She knocked on the bathroom door but received no answer.  “Simon? Are you okay?”

She tested the doorknob and found it unlocked. When she walked inside, and saw Simon, his damp hair still clinging to his head, sitting on the toilet seat with a towel around his waist. He held his shaving razor in his hand and there was blood running down his face, and dripping onto his chest. He stared off in space as if he didn’t notice.

“Simon!” She rushed to him and grabbed the razor from his hand. “What have you done?”

“I nicked myself shaving.” She grabbed a damp washcloth and cleaned up the blood. The wound’s source was a small cut on his chin, to her relief. She found an adhesive strip in the medicine cabinet and applied it to the wound. With Simon patched up, she located a blow dryer and comb and dried his hair. Jessica recognized Simon was on the verge of his own breakdown if something didn’t happen and fast.

She took his hand and with little resistance on his end, Simon followed her to his bedroom. Jessica guided him to his bed and sought out a clean outfit for him to wear.

“What did you do with your dirty clothes?”

“I put them in the hamper.”

“Okay, I’ll do a load of wash before I go. I’ll leave you to get dressed now. I’ll be downstairs doing laundry. And when I’m done we’re going to talk whether you want to or not.”

She moved past him but Simon gripped her wrist. “I didn’t want to listen,” he said so softly she strained to hear.

Jessica frowned. “What?”

“My father. I didn’t want to listen to what he had to say. Now I won’t have the opportunity again.”

She touched the side of his face, her heart going out to him. “I’m sorry, Simon.”

“I expected forgiveness from everyone else, but couldn’t give it myself. He made an effort and I turned him away. What kind of person am I?”

“You’re someone who’s confused. A lot of things have been going on in your life and you didn’t know how to handle them.”

“I pushed him away,” he continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “He’s gone and I probably did him in. I knew his heart was bad. I probably didn’t help matters by sending him away.”

“Simon, listen to me. No one could have predicted what would happen to your father. Your mother doesn’t bear you any ill will. She told me the doctors had said his heart was really weak. You can’t blame yourself.”

“I killed him, just as sure as I did your brother. I’m a life destroyer.”

Jessica wished there was a way to reach him and assure him somehow. “Simon, you know I don’t hold you responsible for Jason’s death. As for your father, with his weak heart he was living on borrowed time.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand,” she prodded gently.

“I did love him but I was scared to open myself to rejection again.”

“I know you loved him.”

“Then why didn’t I tell him when I had the chance?” Simon pulled away from her, strode to the closest wall and punched a hole in it.  Jessica flinched.  “Why didn’t I realize I loved him until it was too late? Why did he have to die before I got a chance to tell him I forgave him—that I loved him? Why?” he demanded before falling to his knees.

Jessica knelt on the floor in front of him and took Simon into her arms while he let out all the pent-up emotions. He grabbed a fistful of her shirt and buried his face against her neck, sobbing loudly. She stroked his hair, rocking him in her arms. “It’s okay, Simon. Let it out. Just let it all out. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I killed him,” he cried.

“No. You didn’t. He had a condition. You’re not to blame for that, Simon.”

“He’ll never know how I feel about him.”

“I think he knew,” she said softly. Jessica wasn’t sure if that was the case or not, but it seemed like the right thing to say. Her heart ached for Simon and the pain he was obviously going through. She wished there was something more she could do for him.

Jessica kissed the top of his head in a comforting gesture. When she would have pulled away he held on to her.

“Please, Jessica, just let me hold you.”

They remained on their knees with their arms locked tight until Jessica urged them toward the bed. They lay together, holding each other. Sometimes Simon cried, other times they shared tender kisses as Jessica stroked his back and assured him everything would be all right.

          CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

The sun had set and darkness had encompassed the room. Simon buried his face against Jessica’s neck, feeling a sense of home he could only feel in her arms. Jessica absently dragged her hand up and down his back. He was reluctant to speak and break the beautiful silence, afraid to kill the moment, but he had to.

“Jessica?”

“Mmm?”

“Thank you for this. Having you here means a lot to me. I know you only came by for the sake of the children but I still appreciate it.”