Finding Home (19 page)

“Okay,” he said and his little smile told me he was happy I was done too.  He kissed me again and then walked out.

I got dressed quickly, drying myself off and throwing on the pair of shorts and t-shirt Shay had packed for me. I had to give her credit for not sending one of my many pairs of stained or holey pajama bottoms.  These actually matched and were even a little cute: short black shorts and a fitted hot pink t-shirt.  I brushed my teeth and then pulled my hair from the elastic it’d been in all day.  It spilled in waves down my back and I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror, still wondering what Brandon saw in me, especially now and my eyes drifted to my stomach.  I could only imagine how my body was going to start changing, but I couldn’t think about that now.

When I walked out, the cabin seemed quiet, but then I heard him clear his throat and I followed the sound back to the bedroom.  I stopped in the doorway when I saw him.  His back was to me and he was pulling off his t-shirt and a second later, he was completely shirtless with his jeans hanging just right on his hips so the top of his boxers poked out.  I’m not sure if he knew I was there, but he reached over for another shirt and I couldn’t tear my eyes from the way his back muscles moved.  He was just about to put on the new shirt and I wasn’t quite ready for him to cover up yet.

“Hey,” I said and he stopped, turning his head to look at me.

“Hey,” he said back. “I was just changing into my pajamas.”

“I know,” I said, grinning at him and I think he blushed again. “Should I leave?”

“No,” he said and I walked in, sitting myself on the bed.  Unfortunately, he put the new gray undershirt on and then he reached up, undoing his button and stepping out of his jeans.  I didn’t mean to, but my eyes focused on his prosthetic for a second and I think he noticed.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly and he shook his head.

“It’s okay, Mandy.  I can’t get used to it either.”

“I know,” I said quietly. “I just…it’s just…you’re so strong that I forget sometimes.”

“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.” He smiled over to me and then pulled on a pair of blue and white University of Kansas basketball shorts before walking over to the bed and sitting down beside me. “Do you mind if I take it off?”

“No.  Of course not,” I said and I watched as he removed his prosthetic.  When he was done, the long shorts hung over his injured leg so I couldn’t see any part of it and it was only at times like this, the rare times he wore shorts, that I ever thought of him having a handicap because you’d never know unless you saw it. 

He moved further onto the bed, leaning himself against the pillows and the headboard and I turned myself to face him when I heard him call my name.

“Mandy.”  I could sense the hesitation in his voice and I noticed how nervous he seemed when I looked at him. “Come sit by me.”

He motioned towards the spot next to him and I didn’t say anything, I just sat myself beside him, both of us leaning against the pillows with our legs stretched out before us.  He took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine and rubbing the back of mine with his free hand.

“Thanks for bringing me out here,” I said after too long a silence.

“I’m glad you agreed to come.”  It grew quiet again and I waited for him to say something.  I knew what he wanted to talk about and I knew he was afraid to bring it up. I couldn’t bring it up though because that would mean I wanted to talk to about it and that was something I didn’t want to do.  “We need to talk, Mandy,” he finally said and I knew I had nowhere to run now.  He’d brought me here so I’d have to face it.  I had no excuses now and I knew he was right.

“I know,” I said softly and leaned forward, turning his body so he was looking at me.

“I know this isn’t easy, but we have to figure out what we’re gonna do.”

I felt an ache in my heart when he said we.  This was not his concern, and I still had a hard time understanding why he wanted to get himself tangled up in this mess.

“
We
don’t have to figure this out. 
I
have to figure this out,” I mumbled and then I felt his warm palm on my cheek and I raised my eyes to meet his.

“I’ve already told you you’re not going through this alone, so yes,
we
have to figure out what
we’re
going to do.”

I felt tears threatening, but I didn’t want him to see me crying again.  I had to be strong, but when the corners of his mouth curled up into a small, encouraging smile, I couldn’t hold it back and I blinked, quiet tears running down my face.  I quickly wiped them with the back of my hand.

“I love you, Brandon,” I choked out and I realized how nice those words felt leaving my mouth.  I never imagined telling someone you loved them and meaning it with every fiber in your body could feel this good. 

“And I love you.”  He leaned towards me slowly, easing his lips onto mine and kissing me gently before pulling back and I saw his brow furrow. “I’m worried about you, Mandy.  You’ve hardly talked about it.  Please talk to me.”

I took in a slow breath, preparing myself for the talk I’d been doing everything to avoid.

“I don’t know how to talk about it, Brandon,” I said, reaching for a tissue from the nightstand and dabbing my eyes.

“Then just start talking.  Whatever you wanna say, just say it.”

I looked at him again and the smile was gone from his face.  I’m not sure if he realized it or not, but he was actually frowning.  Not a huge frown, but the corners of his mouth were pulled down and there was a crease in his forehead. 

“I have three options,” I finally began, swallowing hard before I continued, trying to find courage in my voice. “And I can’t imagine going through with any of them.”

“Do you wanna keep the baby?” he asked cautiously and I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m not ready to be a mom, Brandon,” I said, my voice cracking as I thought of the innocent little baby growing inside me being born to someone as hopeless as me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I just turned twenty-one.  Because I live with my parents.  Because I’m a waitress…”

“But you won’t always be a waitress,” he interrupted. “In another year, you’ll be done with school and you’ll be working as a respiratory therapist.”

“How can I do that if I have a baby?” I asked bitterly. “Daycare is so expensive.  I’d be working just to pay for it.”

“I’ll help.  Your parents could help.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped from my throat.

“That is definitely not an option.  Once my parents find out their unwed daughter got knocked up, they’ll kick me out and never speak to me again.”  My voice sounded lighthearted, but I was being serious. 

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do!” I exclaimed. “You don’t know my parents, Brandon.  They’ll kill me when they find out.”  He just looked at me, but didn’t say anything more, probably because he knew I was right. “My parents aren’t like yours.  They’ve got a view of how things should be and they don’t deviate from that.  They won’t understand.”  A tear fell from my eye just thinking about their reaction and I shuddered when I thought about actually telling them. 

“I know it’s gonna be hard,” he said, gently stroking my cheek with his fingertips. “But no matter what you decide, you’re gonna have to tell them and I want you to know I’ll be there with you.  You won’t have to tell them alone.  I won’t leave your side.”  His frown turned into a supportive smile and a few more tears fell just knowing he was here for me. 

“I won’t have to tell them if…if I choose…” I said, my voice fading off.

“Mandy,” he said quickly, his voice layered in worry. “Please don’t do that.  Please don’t consider that.”

I found myself glaring at him suddenly. 

“Don’t do this to me, Brandon.”

“Do what?”

“Try and tell me what to do.”

“I’m not telling you what to do.  I’m sorry.” He took my hand and looked at me pleadingly. “I will support you in whatever you decide…I just think…well, it doesn’t matter what I think.”

He was quiet then and he was staring down at the plaid comforter.  I knew he was uncomfortable and he didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s the easiest way,” I said quietly and I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath trying to tell myself it would be the best thing to do.

“Can I speak honestly?” he asked and I nodded, afraid of what he’d say. “I don’t want you to think I’m telling you what to do or trying to make you do something you don’t want to, because that’s not what I want to do.  That’s not what I’m doing.”  He stopped talking and our eyes rose from the blanket and when they met, I could tell we were both nervous. 

“Go ahead, Brandon.”

He took my hand and kissed the back of it before breathing in and exhaling slowly.

“You have the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.  You care about people.  You care about everyone.  People like you…well…I guess what I’m trying to say is that people like you, the kind of people who put everyone above themselves and do whatever they can to make sure everyone else is okay…there aren’t a lot of people like you.  There aren’t enough and your baby is half you and if there’s even a chance of having another person on this planet who’s half as good as you…well, I want more people like you around, Mandy.” I’d been watching him the whole time, but then I blinked and the tears spilled over onto my cheeks.  I didn’t wipe them away though because I couldn’t stop looking at him. “I know I’m not making any sense.” He stopped again and ran a nervous hand through his hair.

“I don’t want to have an abortion,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper because I didn’t even like saying the word.

“Then don’t have one,” he said quickly.

“I just don’t know what else I can do.  I never thought I could even consider that.  Ever.  But here I am and I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do.”  I could hear my voice raising the more nervous I got and then I just started sobbing.  Brandon’s arms were around me instantly and I just cried into his chest as he held me.  I don’t know how long I cried, but he didn’t let me go the whole time and he didn’t say anything either.  He just held me.  When my breathing was calm, I pulled back and wiped my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“Don’t be.” He smiled at me and then kissed me sweetly on the cheek before pulling back and looking at me in a way that told me had something else to say. “What about adoption?” His voice was soft and nervous and I knew he’d been afraid to say anything.

“I’ve thought about it a little.”

“And what do you think?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It’s a scary thought…having a baby and then just giving it away.” My voice cracked and a few more tears fell and he pulled me to him again, easing us back down on the bed.  I rested my head on his chest and he started playing with my hair. 

“I know, Mandy,” he said softly. “I just want to help you do what’s best for you.  Whatever that is.”

“You are helping me, Brandon.  More than you know and you don’t have to.  I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.  Never.”

I propped myself up, staring down at his face, so kind and sweet.  I ran a hand through his hair and then traced his profile with my fingertip, stopping on his lips.  I held my finger there for a moment before moving it and leaning down, kissing him softly at first, just resting my lips there for a few seconds, taking him in. 

“I love you, Mandy Dalton,” he whispered, his husky voice washing over me. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You make me happy.”

Our lips were still hovering over each other and I could feel my breath quicken as his presence wrapped around me.  My hands slowly reached up, my fingertips brushing lightly over his cheeks and the feel of his skin against mine was almost painful because I’d never felt like this.  I’d never known what it was like to feel someone in every fiber of my body and to know they felt the same way about me. 

“I want to make you happy.”  His voice was even lower now, more rugged as I looked up into his eyes.  I felt his hands slide under my shirt and his fingers curl around my waist.   His touch was hot and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking of other places I wanted his hands to go. 

He pulled me even closer, easing me onto his lap.  I don’t know what possessed me, but my hand was on his a moment later and I was moving it higher.  His breathing got heavier and his eyes darted around my face, eventually settling on my mouth.  I kept inching his hand higher until he was just inches from my breast.  I bit my lip, suddenly embarrassed that I’d been so forward, but then he grinned shyly and his hand kept moving higher.

“Is this okay?” he whispered and I nodded.  He reached up, grabbing the back of my neck with his free hand and pushing our mouths together.  Slow and sensual, his tongue consuming me and we kissed until I thought I couldn’t take it anymore when he suddenly pushed back, staring at me with a longing in his eyes that I knew matched the longing in my own. 

“I can’t pretend anymore, Mandy,” he said and then paused, the only sound in the room that of us trying to gain control of our frantic breathing. “I can’t pretend that I don’t want you…that I don’t want to take you right now.  I’ve been the gentleman, but I can’t do it anymore.  I want you, Mandy.  I have wanted you, but I told myself we should wait…and we can…if that’s what you want…but I love you and I…”