Finding Home (20 page)

He didn’t get to finish because I was kissing him again, tugging at his shirt until he reached his hands above his head and I pulled it off, throwing it to the floor.

“Then you can have me,” I whispered when he sat before me shirtless, looking entirely too hot. 

He stared at me, nerves and excitement all over his face, but he didn’t smile.  Instead, he took my hand.

“Are you sure?” he asked softly and I nodded without hesitation.

“I’m sure.  I love you, Brandon.  I’ve made choices in my life…” I said, choking up. “Choices that I wish I could take back, but you…you’re not one of those choices and…with everything going on right now, I need you in my life.  I want you in my life.”  I paused again, swallowing to erase the lump in my throat. “I want you, Brandon.”

He didn’t say anything.  He didn’t need to say anything for me to know what he was thinking.  Brandon loved me.  He’d proven how much he loved me.  No one had ever shown they cared about me the way he did and all I wanted was to forget about the pregnancy and the decision I had to make.  I wanted to put it to the back of my mind, if even only for a little while and focus on him and the fact that he loved me. 

He moved towards me until I was falling to the mattress as he hovered over me until the weight of him on top of me was all I could focus on.  He kissed me sweetly and I forgot everything else as his hands began moving over my body, touching and exploring in ways I’d never known.  I didn’t know how much more I could take as my body responded to him, but then he whispered in my ear, “I love you, Mandy” and then everything changed between us.  I clutched him tightly and I never wanted to let go. 

Twenty-One

There was no better feeling than waking up in Brandon’s arms.  His skin was warm against mine and only the thin sheet covered us as he breathed slow and deep.  My head was resting on his shoulder while I ran my fingertips over his chest.  It was relaxing and I liked knowing he was there. 

It was still early and the sun was barely up.  I knew Brandon was still sleeping soundly.  He’d hardly moved all night.  I was glad for that because I knew how terrifying the night could be for him sometimes.  He’d seemed peaceful all night though and as I glanced up at his profile, I could’ve sworn there was a little smile on his face.  I blushed a little as I thought back to what we’d done.  I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I was with Brandon and now that we’d slept together, it was even more surreal.  This was Brandon.  Brandon had been one of my best friends almost my whole life.  He’d spent most of our friendship doing whatever he could to annoy me.  He’d always loved getting me riled up.  He’d always been sarcastic and crass and a pain in everyone’s butt, but as I lay beside him now, I wondered if I’d ever really known Brandon.  He was so different now than he was then and there was no doubt I loved him.  Maybe I always had loved him.  I think maybe I had because everything felt so right with him.  It was so comfortable…almost familiar and I felt a lump forming in my throat as I thought about him. 

I’d never been touched the way he’d touched me last night.  Every stroke of his fingers and kiss of his lips was perfect, almost as if he’d thought it all out beforehand.  The way he moved over me was so kind, so methodical, so thoughtful.  I didn’t know another person could cause those kinds of feelings to stir up because no one had ever done that to me.  I felt beautiful with him and not just because he told me I was beautiful, but because of the way he would stop sometimes and just stare at me with those blue eyes of his.  They moved subtly around my face, almost as if he was making sure I was really there and then he’d smile, a little smile of satisfaction before he’d lean in and kiss me so hard I could barely breathe when he was done.  The urgency with which he would move over me at times was more than I could keep up with.  I’d never felt so needed in my life and I tried to return his eagerness so he would know I needed him as much as he needed me. 

But now as we lay in the early morning light, it was calm, so much different than the night before and I liked the peacefulness.  It gave me time to think and because I was in Brandon’s arms, it wasn’t as scary to let my thoughts complete themselves. 

Talking to Brandon made me think.  We both knew there were only three options and the more I thought about it, I knew I could never go through with an abortion.  It would be the most logical choice if I wanted to make my problem disappear.  If I wanted my life to return to the way it was…if I didn’t want anything to change, I could just get rid of it, as Derek had so painfully put it.  I would never judge someone for making that choice, but I knew I could never do it though and if by some chance I could, I’d never forgive myself.  This baby deserved a chance at life.  It wasn’t its fault it’d come at an inopportune time or that its father was the one of the most undesirable human beings I’d ever met. 

Since that option was nixed, it only left me with two choices and deep in my gut, I knew what that choice should be.  It was the only thing that made sense. 

Brandon started to stir as I was lost in my thoughts, but his movements immediately brought me back to the present.  He was moving slowly at first, just moving his head from side to side.  His eyes were closed tightly and his jaw was clenched.  I knew he was reliving whatever it was he relived when this happened and I hated knowing he was fighting those demons again.  His body began to squirm and he grunted as I noticed beads of sweat on his hairline start to form.  I couldn’t let him hurt anymore.

I leaned in close to him as he continued to move, my mouth just inches from his ear.

“Brandon,” I said in the calmest voice I could muster as I gently shook him. “Brandon.  Wake up.”  He continued to move, but I said his name again, louder this time. “Brandon!”

He stopped suddenly, his eyes popping open as he stared at me, that wild look in his eyes as he tried to figure out where he was and to remember that he was safe.  It took him a second, but his eyes settled and his breathing started to calm as I ran my hand though his hair, doing what I could to help him feel safe again. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him and he just breathed out deeply, pushing himself up so he was resting on his elbows. 

“Yeah,” he said breathlessly. “I’m good.  Glad you’re here though.”  He pulled me to him quickly, kissing me gently and holding my lips there for a few moments. 

“What were you dreaming about?” I asked hesitantly when he let me go.

“Same as always.  I don’t really know,” he sighed and I knew it frustrated him to wake up terrified from memories he could never recall. 

“I hate seeing you like that,” I said, moving myself closer to him. “I wish I could do more to help.”

“You have no idea what you do just by being here when I wake up.”  I wasn’t going to argue with him.  If he said my presence helped, I’d believe him. “Let’s move in together,” he said suddenly and I didn’t mean to laugh, but I did.  “Dammit, Mandy!” he exclaimed and he wasn’t smiling. “I’m serious.  I’m sick of being at home and you can’t tell me you love it.”

“Of course I don’t like living at home still, but…”

“But what?” he interrupted. “It makes sense.  We could do it.” I knew by the way he was looking at me he was serious and I also knew he was right.  We could do it.  I made decent money at the diner and I knew Brandon got disability money from the army.  We wouldn’t have a lot, but we could do it and as I looked into his eyes, just like with everything else with him, the thought of living with Brandon felt right.

“Okay,” I said and I saw a wide smile spread across his face. 

“Really?” he asked and I nodded. 

“Yeah.  Let’s give it a shot.”

“Alright then,” he said, the smug smile still on his face as he adjusted the pillows behind him and then leaned back, pulling me close to him.  I’d almost forgotten we were both naked, but as I curled up beside him, I was overly aware of it.  I think he was aware of it too because it grew quiet for a while as he rubbed my shoulder with his fingertips. “Are you okay with what we did last night?” His voice was low and a little nervous.

“Yeah,” I replied softly and I felt a smile curl up on my lips knowing I was more than okay with what we’d done.  It’d been freeing in a way.  I hadn’t known it could be like that, not until Brandon.  I’d only known Derek, and Brandon was so much more than Derek. 

“I hope you didn’t feel pressure or anything.”

“I didn’t, Brandon.  I wanted to.”

“I mean…because you’re already dealing with so much and I wouldn’t want to add to that,” he stammered and I sat up, not caring that the thin sheet fell, exposing more of my breasts than I expected. 

“Brandon,” I said softly, leaning in and kissing him gently. “I wanted to be with you and I still want to be with you.” I kissed him again, but this time not as chastely.  My lips lingered as I ran my tongue over his and I pushed my fingers through his hair.  I’d never been good at seduction, but I knew Brandon was catching my drift when I felt his breathing quicken, pulling me even closer and before I realized what he was doing, he’d lifted me up and set me back down so I was straddling him.  It didn’t surprise me he had been able to lift me with ease that way.  Brandon was strong and his strength was even more obvious as he sat before me, shirtless, the defined muscles of his arms and chest even more evident.  He began kissing me hard and urgently, his arms wrapping around me as his large hands moved over my back.  I returned, trying to show him how much I wanted him again.  We did this for what felt like forever and I didn’t want to stop.  I loved when Brandon kissed me and I could kiss him all day if he’d let me.  I knew he wanted more though and so did I.  I suddenly felt his hands leave my back, finding their way back to me when they pushed under my legs and lifted me up.  I wrapped my legs around his waist and he kept kissing me until he finally eased me back onto mattress so he was hovering over me, his eyes darting around my face for a moment, the way they often did, until his lips were on my neck, making their way down between my breasts and then down my stomach.  All I could do was close my eyes and bite my lip in an effort to stifle the sounds that wanted to escape my throat while he continued moving his lips all over my body. 

“You know I love you, Mandy, don’t you?” he said as his lips began moving back up my stomach until he was hanging over me.

“I know, Brandon.” I pulled him to me until his weight was practically crushing me, but I just pulled him even closer, kissing him until I could think of nothing else but the way he felt against my body and by the way he kissed back, I knew he was consumed with me as well and I knew neither of us wanted it any other way.

Twenty-Two

The cabin was like a sanctuary.  I didn’t have to think about my real life and even though I knew it couldn’t last forever, it was nice to pretend for a little while.  I thought things might be different, in an awkward way, now that Brandon and I had slept together, but it wasn’t.  It was different, but not awkward.  It was almost easier being around Brandon now that the sexual tension had been broken and we spent most of the morning lying around the sprawling great room.  We’d made pancakes together and Brandon kept pinching my butt and wrapping his arms around me while we worked, kissing me on the neck over and over.  It made me smile and laugh and it felt good to be happy.  It’d only been a few days since my world came crashing in on me, but with Brandon, I knew somehow it would be okay.  I could only pray that he wouldn’t come to his senses and realize he owed me nothing.

I’d taken a shower after Brandon suggested we go for a walk around the wooded area that surrounded the cabin.  It was warm outside as we walked and I couldn’t keep my eyes from wandering to Brandon beside me.  Sometimes when I was with him, I expected to look up and see the same Brandon that left Carver three years ago…the Brandon I’d always known, but then I’d look over and it struck me how different he was.  He seemed bigger than before, taller almost, even though I knew he wasn’t.  Maybe it was because he’d bulked up in the army.  Brandon had always been thin, scrawny even during junior high, but he was anything but scrawny now.  I think he was aware of how good he looked too because he walked with more confidence, the smugness that had always been a part of him, still there. 

He took my hand as we left the cabin behind us and we didn’t say much for a while.  Once in the shade of the woods, the air didn’t seem as warm and Brandon started walking like he knew where he was going.

“We used to hang out here a lot as kids,” he said as he led me further into the canopy of trees. “I brought Jesse out here a couple of times too.  We tried building this tree house.  It was actually pretty lame.  We got a few two by fours up there, enough for us to sit on, and then we just gave up.  Our work ethic was pretty shitty at thirteen,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh. “I think it’s around here somewhere.  I haven’t been out here forever.”

He started walking faster, but he didn’t let go of my hand.  I could see his eyes darting around the trees, searching for the tree house he and Jesse built all those years ago. 

“There it is.” I could hear an excitement in his voice as he picked up the pace and then we suddenly stopped.  Brandon was staring up and when I looked up too, I saw some old wooden planks above us.  I noticed a smile on his face as he stared and I knew he must’ve been thinking back to when they made it. 

“You were right,” I said with a soft chuckle. “You and Jesse didn’t get very far.”

“I warned you,” he said, letting go of my hand and he started making his way towards the trunk.  It was then I noticed the rungs he and Jesse had obviously nailed to the tree so they could get to the top.  Brandon put a hand on one like he was checking the stability of it.

“You’re not actually gonna climb up there, are you?” I asked and he turned to me, shaking his head.

“I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to,” he said and the tone of his voice made me sad as I realized what he was implying.  Brandon could do almost anything, even with his disability, and when I realized he had limitations, it hurt.  I didn’t want Brandon to ever limit what he wanted to do, even if it was something as simple as climbing up a childhood tree house.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, walking over to him and resting my hand on his back.  He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, but he looked up to the two by fours again with the same longing expression as earlier. 

“Don’t be.  The wood’s probably so rotted out by now that I’d fall through and break the only leg I have left.”  There was a grin on his face, but I knew it bothered him because I knew he didn’t care how rotted out the wood was.  He’d be up there in a heartbeat if he could. 

“You okay?” I asked him, my hand still on his back and he nodded.

“I’m fine.  Just thinking back to when Jess and I made this.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid.”

“Me too,” I told him and he turned to look at me again. 

“As kids we’re so anxious to grow up and once you’re grown up, you just wanna go back to bein’ a kid.”

“Well, back then you still think anything’s possible.  For the longest time I was convinced I was going to be a fighter pilot,” I said and I heard Brandon laugh.

“A fighter pilot?” he asked.

“Yeah.  I watched that old movie
Top Gun
with my dad when I was like eight or something and I was convinced that was gonna be me.”

“When’d you realize that dream was over?”

“When I realized I was terrified of flying,” I laughed. “The one and only time I went on an airplane, when my parents took Shay and I to Disneyland when I was eleven.”

He finally let go of the rung and instead took my hand, leading us away from the old tree house. 

“I had no idea about your aspirations of becoming a pilot,” he said, leading me out of the trees and into a field that overlooked the lake.

“That’s because I never shared it with anyone…except you,” I said with a laugh, but he just turned his head and smiled at me. “I never would’ve guessed my life would end up the way it has.”

“Everything’s gonna be okay, Mandy.  I promise you that.” He kissed the back of my hand and led me to the edge of the lake.  We sat down Indian style and I started running my hands over the grass.  Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a dandelion.  Reaching over, I plucked it and held it up. 

“Shay and I used to go crazy finding these,” I said as I wiggled my hand from Brandon’s and started rolling the stem around between my palms. “I used to think they really worked, that if I managed to blow all the pedals from it, that my wish would come true.”

“Maybe they do work,” Brandon said, taking the dandelion from my hand and staring down at it. 

“I doubt that.  Just another childhood fantasy.”

“What’d you wish for with these as a kid?” he asked.

“Lots of things.”

“Like what?”

“I wished for a million bucks.  For endless piles of Skittles.  For a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet and love me for the rest of my life.”

“Well, one of your wishes came true.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I may not be a prince, but I think I’ve swept you off your feet and…” he said with a laugh, turning his body so he was facing me. “I do love you, Mandy.”

He leaned in, kissing me softly and even though he didn’t say the words, maybe because it was still too early to make those kinds of professions or promises, but something about the way he kissed me told me he’d love me for the rest of my life.

When he pulled back, he held the dandelion up to my face.

“Maybe wishes do come true.  It’s worth a shot anyway.”

I stared at the flower in front of me and wondered if there wasn’t something to what Brandon said.  Maybe wishes could come true or if they couldn’t, maybe just thinking about what I really wanted…what I really needed, then maybe I could get through this.  Maybe I could figure this out. 

I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and blew out as much air as I could, opening my eyes to see the little white pedals floating away.  I watched as they disappeared and I knew it was a foolish gesture by a foolish girl, but then I dropped the bare stem and looked over to Brandon.

“Do you think it worked?” he asked me, but I shook my head.

“No,” I said softly as I reached up, resting my palm against his cheek. “But I don’t need wishing flowers anymore.  I’ve got you.” I kissed him on his other cheek and pulled back, meeting my eyes with his. “Thank you, Brandon.  Thank you for not letting me push you away.  Thank you for knowing what I needed even when I didn’t.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Mandy.  I’m a pretty selfish guy.  You’ve always known that about me though.  I didn’t do it just for you.  I did it for me too.  I need you as much as you need me,” he said with a gentle smile as he pulled me in for another kiss. “The only difference is that I need you more.” I felt my eyes grow warm and I was pretty certain his were too. “You’ll be okay, Mandy.  I’ll be okay.  We’ll both be okay.  Everything will be okay.”

I believed him because Brandon had never lied to me.  Growing up, he’d been a hopeless prankster and he’d driven me crazy sometimes, but he’d never lied to me and I knew he wasn’t lying to me now as he pulled me into his arms as we laid back together on the soft grass.  He put his arm around me and I closed my eyes as the summer sun washed over my skin and I knew what I needed to do.

“Brandon,” I said quietly, turning my body so I was resting on my side, propping myself up as he remained on his back.  He moved his head so our eyes met. “I think I know what I’m gonna do.”  I quickly wiped my eyes as I felt the tears escaping. He turned too, laying on his side, propping himself up, just as I was and he reached up, brushing my hair behind my ear, his touch leaving a warm trail on my cheek. “I’m having the baby,” I began softly and I watched the subtleties of his expression.  I’d piqued his interest and I swallowed hard, trying to push the lump out of my throat, knowing the next words I spoke would be some of the hardest I’d ever say. “I can’t keep it though.”

I saw his body stiffen and it was quiet aside from a few noisy geese on the other side of the lake and I waited for him to say something.

“Are you sure?” he finally said a few moments later.

“Yes,” I sighed, wiping more tears from my cheeks. “I can’t have an abortion and I can’t be a mom right now, Brandon.”

“Is this what you really wannna do?  You know I’d help you if…if you wanna keep the baby.” His voice was soft and nervous and I just smiled a little, wiping my eyes again.

“I know you would because you’re…well…because you’re you.” I kissed him gently on the lips and when I pulled back, there was a sweet grin on his face. “But, neither of us is ready for this and babies deserve everything and I don’t have everything to give right now.  Maybe someday I will, but I don’t right now and I know there are people out there who have everything…except for a child.”

I heard my voice crack saying the words and I closed my eyes, more tears pouring down. I felt his body move closer to mine and I opened my eyes.  A few tears were streaking down his face too and then he wrapped his arms around me, lying back on the grass as I rested my head on his chest.

“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Mandy Dalton,” he said softly. “And I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

“I just need you to hold me right now,” I whispered, nuzzling in closer to him.  I felt his arm tighten around me and he kissed the top of my head.  I closed my eyes and for the first time since finding out I was pregnant, the pit in my stomach didn’t seem as deep, knowing I’d have to finally face reality, but knowing he’d be by side through all of it.