Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) (16 page)

T
hat evening Alvin rushed through his chores alone. Mildred wasn’t scheduled to help, so he was by himself. The stillness of the barn was broken only by the moos of the cows and their bangs against the metal stanchions. Star neighed once and stuck his head in the back barn window to plead for a bucket of oats. But the horse would get none tonight. He’d give Star extra feed tomorrow after they made the trip to the service in the morning, and back to the hymn singing, and then to the Beilers’ place in the evening.

Alvin dreaded the whole coming day. He dreaded the moment when he’d have to face people again—especially Debbie. But there was something he dreaded even more—the expected arrival of Deacon Mast, perhaps even yet this evening. Surely the deacon would visit. And yet dusk had almost fallen, and the deacon still hadn’t made his appearance. Maybe the man was running late. Or maybe he wouldn’t come tonight. Alvin stopped in the middle of the barn floor at the thought. If Deacon Mast considered Alvin’s actions so serious that he wanted to discuss the matter first with the ministry on Sunday morning, Alvin was surely in more trouble than even he’d imagined.

How had this happened? Alvin groaned out loud. He had come home from his time in the
Englisha
world and thought he’d left it all behind. Why had the past returned to haunt him? How would he bear the shame of Deacon Mast’s questions? Now it would almost be a relief if the deacon arrived so they could get this over with.

He wished Mildred had been scheduled to help in the barn tonight. Her presence would soothe him, he was sure. Her looks were plain enough. She certainly didn’t match Debbie in beauty. Why Mildred ever got her nose up in the air about him was a mystery. Maybe she thought she could find greener pastures. Alvin let out a bitter laugh. Mildred had experienced about as much success with that venture as he had with his ill-fated rush into the
Englisha
world.

But it was also true that Mildred’s personality was steady, she was scandal-free, and her reputation was above reproach. All of which he couldn’t say for himself right now. Thankfully, Debbie wasn’t involved with Crystal in any way. Debbie shared that advantage with Mildred. Now if he could settle this matter with Deacon Mast and assure him that Crystal would cause no further trouble for him or the community, this problem might go away. Hadn’t he sent her away last Sunday night? The deacon would stroke his beard in worry over all those details.
Daett
had probably seen to it that the news reached the deacon’s ears. Alvin had watched his
daett
drive off in his buggy several times this past week. He could have stopped in at Deacon Mast’s on any of those trips.

Alvin glanced down the road. It was still empty of buggies. Maybe he should visit the deacon after the chores and tell him personally. Such a move might even work to his favor if he showed up voluntarily and confessed willingly. Alvin moved even faster. He shoved the feed in front of the stanchions for the next round of cows. He had them in and secured just as he heard buggy wheels turn in the driveway. Alvin rushed to the window. Sure enough,
Deacon Mast was climbing out of his buggy. Well, the cows could wait. There were more important things right now.

Alvin met Deacon Mast at the barn door. “
Gut
evening, Deacon. I was expecting you.” Alvin’s smile was crooked.

“
Gut
evening, Alvin.” The deacon took in the row of cows with a quick glance. “I see I caught you in the middle of chores. I was afraid that would happen, but I’ve been running late all afternoon.”

“That doesn’t matter. They can wait.”

Deacon Mast gave Alvin a weary smile. “I’ll help you, and then we can talk.”

“With the cows?” Alvin knew alarm filled his face. This was a favor he couldn’t easily repay.

“
Yah
, of course.” Deacon Mast nodded. “I’m a farmer too, you know. And a man shouldn’t be kept from his work. Not when he’s milking cows.”

Alvin swallowed hard. “Well, this is the last round.”

“Then where can I help?” Deacon Mast looked around and didn’t wait for an answer. He helped himself to a set of milking equipment.

Alvin joined in as Deacon Mast bent down beside a cow. He wasn’t exactly comfortable with this arrangement, but this was the deacon after all, and the deacon was in charge. What could he do but follow along? Mildred would laugh if she were here and saw him in this predicament. And he deserved laughter. This was his own fault because of his habit of running away from problems. If he’d never gone to Philadelphia, none of this would be happening.

Deacon Mast looked over the cow’s back. “Alvin, maybe you can answer some of my questions while we work.”

Alvin nodded but said nothing. What was there to say? The deacon was polite to even ask. Amish people held conversations all the time while they did the chores. The deacon would of course wait for any major lecture until they were face-to-face. And a lecture would surely come. There was little doubt about that.

Deacon Mast cleared his throat. “Your
daett
stopped by this week. He’s quite concerned about what happened last Sunday night. He says the
Englisha
girl, Crystal, who came to my place, came by to speak with you. You also did not attend the hymn singing. Did you know she was coming to the community, Alvin?”

“
Nee
,” Alvin said, his response muffled by the cow he was working with.

“That’s
gut
to hear, Alvin.”

The deacon doesn’t sound convinced, Alvin thought.

“Why did Crystal come then, and why did you stay home from the hymn singing?”

Alvin took a deep breath as he considered what to say. He had to tell the truth, hard as that was. “
Yah
, I admit Crystal came,” Alvin said. “Seeing Crystal did disturb me considerably at the service… it was unexpected, though she had hinted she might visit. I was worried what Debbie would think. But why Crystal came, I know only what she told me. She said she was drawn to the community. She wanted to see what our way of life is like because she is searching for peace.”

The deacon probed. “Was this not the girl you confessed to dating while you lived in Philadelphia?”

These were the exact questions Alvin didn’t want to face. He couldn’t speak at the moment.

The deacon took his silence as a
yah
. “You must still have feelings for the girl then. Is this not correct, Alvin?”

“I do not!” Alvin exclaimed. “Crystal had no reason to come in like this, disturbing me and the life of the community. I told her so!” Alvin tried to calm himself. Vigorous denials would accomplish little.

“You spoke these things to Crystal on Sunday night…when she came to see you?” Deacon Mast stood up to look at him.

“
Yah
!” Alvin coughed and ducked behind a cow. He didn’t have anything to hide, yet his face burned with shame.

“And you told Crystal… about not having feelings for her?”

“
Yah.
And that is the truth!”

“Yet there was some need to say it?”

Alvin stood up straight. “Crystal told me she came because she wants to find out more about the community. That I had stirred a desire in her to learn of our life in her search for peace.”

Deacon Mast’s voice was pensive. “That’s what she told us—when she first came. She also said she had family in the area. Do you know if this is true—about her family?”

Alvin shrugged. “She never mentioned anything of her family to me.”

“And yet you spoke of love?” The deacon’s voice dug deeper.

“
Yah,
but not love as you are thinking. We spoke of the
possibility
of love. We did go on a few dates,
yah
.” Alvin beat the barn wall with his hand. “How many times must I confess to this thing? We did go out, but I left it all behind when I returned. I did not make any kind of commitment with Crystal. Isn’t that plain enough? I’m here, am I not?”

The deacon’s face was sorrowful. “Your anger does not speak well of you, Alvin. There are many questions raised by all of this. You should still have known better than to associate with a divorced woman.”

“I did not know she was divorced until our last date just before I returned to the community. I am sorry for what I did,” Alvin whispered, all the fight having seeped out of him. “I will bear my shame before
Da Hah
and His church. I tell you plainly that I have no further interest in Crystal.”

Deacon Mast stepped back from the cow he worked on. “I accept your apology, Alvin. That is always
gut
. But with the history that Crystal has with you…” Deacon Mast paused.

“Crystal would never do anything indecent.” The words slipped out. He wished he hadn’t said them. Why did he defend her? He didn’t know the woman nearly as well as he’d thought he did.
Otherwise he would have thought earlier of the possibility that she might show up.

Deacon Mast shrugged. “Only
Da Hah
knows the hearts of men, Alvin. Maybe Crystal has only
gut
motives. Emery Beiler spoke with me about Crystal. He wants me to encourage her to learn more about our faith and to join the community if she so desires. Emery only wants to see her settle into a decent life that befits holiness and godliness. Crystal says she might move in with her relatives in Penns Creek. Her nearness increases our concerns about you and the issues that have come to the surface. Are you telling us all of the truth? Is your heart perhaps still out there in the world, Alvin?”

All his blood seemed to drain to his feet, and his body turned icy cold. Alvin couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. Not that his denials would do much
gut
.

Deacon Mast continued. “Did you perhaps come home, Alvin, so you could take over your
daett
’s farm?”

Alvin had nothing to say. What was the use?

Deacon Mast’s tone grew more serious. “Your
daett
says he found letters you and your
mamm
wrote each other while you were in Philadelphia. He says there’s a lot in there about coming home so the committee would let you run the farm. Why have you not told us this, Alvin? And now we find out that Crystal is divorced, which you knew. You knew even then that this would never be acceptable to the community. Is that why you left Crystal—maybe with her feelings hurt and her not understanding why you cut off the love between the two of you?”

Alvin groped for the clips on the stanchions. He released the cows one by one and shooed them out the back door of the barn. Then he settled down on a three-legged stool set against the wall.

Deacon Mast waited for him with a sober face. “Perhaps it’s time you begin confessing your sins for real, Alvin?”

“None of what you say is true,” Alvin’s voice croaked.

“You should not deny the truth, Alvin. Your
daett
did find the letters.” Deacon Mast’s voice was insistent.

“It’s not what it seems,” Alvin managed. “
Yah
, the farm did have a pull on my heart.
Yah, Mamm
did encourage me to come home. But I came home for the right reasons, Deacon Mast. I wanted what we have here… not what is out there.”

Deacon Mast’s voice stayed calm. “So now you tell us. After you must. But what if there are other things you are not saying?”

“Things such as what?” Alvin forced himself to take another deep breath.

Deacon Mast shrugged. “About Debbie maybe. Were you honest about all things in your relationship with her?”

Alvin couldn’t yet find the strength to speak about how Debbie used to drive past the farm to catch glimpses of him in the fields before she joined the community.

Deacon Mast regarded him with a tilt of his head. “There is something more, is there not?”

His words came out in a rush. “Debbie and I noticed each other… before she moved in with Bishop Beiler and joined the community. She drove past here at times, and
yah
, my heart did beat faster. But what is wrong with that? We never met or spoke until much later.”

“This might explain much, Alvin.” Deacon Mast’s words were clipped. “Your heart seems much drawn to the
Englisha
world. And then you leave for that world, even accepting excommunication. Just think about that, Alvin. Why would one do that? Why would a person throw his soul into the risk of darkness? And yet you did. Maybe it was because you had doubts about your ability to win Debbie’s hand once she joined the community. Was that the problem? So you left to find another
Englisha
girl, one more fitting to your lusting heart? But once your
mamm
told you what was going on with the farm, you couldn’t resist coming back and being put
in charge. And when Debbie was still available, everything kind of fell into your lap. And you thought all was going well until
Da Hah
revealed your sins by having Crystal come. Is that it, Alvin? Does that sound pretty close to right?”

Alvin frowned. “None of it is right even if some of it is true.”

“Now what kind of sense does that make?” The deacon regarded Alvin with a steadfast gaze.

Alvin met his look. “It doesn’t, but I still speak the truth.”

Deacon Mast sighed. “These are serious matters, Alvin. They are also complicated. You deny them, so what can I say? I will speak to the ministry. I know we will not rush into any conclusions, and I’m not sure what can or should be done. I exhort you to search your heart and repent of any evil you find there. It would be
gut
if you confessed to Debbie about why you came back. Bishop Beiler seems to think her heart is in the right place. And Emery speaks well for Crystal, so she may have honest motives as well. In the meantime, I’d pray, Alvin, that
Da Hah
will open the truth to you so you can see clearly.”