Finding Strength (2 page)

Chapter Two

Present Day

As I lay here with Amy sitting across from me making a diary of sorts of my life, I can still recall all of the emotions I felt during those moments. The days and weeks that followed the loss of Lindsey were some of the darkest, most depressing times I had ever had to face. As with anything, you can find the good in any situation, so long as you look for it. Over time, I managed to carry on what would seem like a normal existence to anyone looking in from the outside. But for those closest to me, they knew the truth. I was merely staggering around, still lost in a world I wasn’t familiar with anymore.

As time went on, everyday seemed to get a little easier. Every breath was a little less resistant to find its way into my lungs. The thing about getting over the death of a child, people are right, you never get over it, you just learn how to cope with it and in the process you may just find something worth really living for. That reason for me happened to be Jacob Caulder. When I met him at my birthday party, I never knew just how big a part of my life he would become. Looking back over it now, I can see just how important Amy, Shane, and Jacob were in my healing process. I close my eyes and once again let my mind go back in time.

            
 
Spring 2004

Amy talked me into seeing a doctor for the depression I have slipped into, more like plunged into. I have also been seeing a grief counselor to help me deal with the loss of my daughter. Although it has helped, I still have a long way to go. Eating had become a chore. I didn’t even want to get out of the bed, much less do anything else. All I wanted was Lindsey. To hold her, kiss her little cheeks, see her silly grin, and to tell her I love her once more.

Amy and Shane have kept me going. They pushed me, sometimes with both hands, to live and to find the strength to go on. They would make sure I ate, even if I wasn’t hungry. They would drag me out the door, and I do mean that literally, taking me on what they call ‘finding myself adventures’ consisting of trips to the park, museums, or just to a fast food joint. It didn’t matter to them, as long as I was out and about attempting to join in with the rest of the living world. I am thankful they did, even though at the time, I was by no means happy about it.

And then there was Jacob.

Somewhere in all of this, I have found a ray of hope, and it came in the form of a dark haired, blue eyed man. If I was in my right mind, I would describe him as walking sex, but I’m not. I try to keep my mind from going in that direction. It’s hard not to ask mysel
f
that if Lindsey can’t live, why I should be able to? That question plagues me more times than not. It’s a question that I never have an answer to. I am not sure I ever will.

Over the course of the past couple of months, Jacob has become a rock, an anchor that I have clung to. His strength and understanding have helped me to pick myself up and try to find a happy medium in my grief. Jacob was a much unexpected friend at the worst time of my life. I am meeting him for lunch today, as we have done almost every day for the last three weeks. Walking into Santana’s, a mom and pop home-style cooking joint, I scan the dining area for Jacob. I find him sitting at a table near the back of the restaurant, and walk over to join him.

“Hey Jacob,” I say, pulling out the chair and sitting down.

“Hey. I ordered your drink already,” he says, and he gives me a smile that would make any woman stop breathing and beg him to be theirs. I can’t help but return the smile. The guilt I feel from just that alone is enough to make my smile fall and tears burn the back of my eyes.

“Anna, don’t do that. It’s okay to smile,” he says.

“How can you say that, Jacob? Do you know how hard it is to go on as if she never existed? Smiling hurts knowing she will never smile again. Why should I be allowed to when she can’t?” I ask, the tears now threatening to spill over. Jacob reaches across the table, taking my hand in his. The warmth from his grasp is working its way up my hand, as if searching for a way to my heart.

“You don’t go on as if she never existed, Anna, because she did, she still does. She can still smile, I believe that, but she can’t do that if you won’t live your life to the fullest. What you are doing right now, it’s not good for you. It’s not good for her. You are never going to forget her. She lives on in you, but the only way for that to happen is for you to actually live. If you give up, then Lindsey’s memory will fade away. Don’t let her memory die too.”

I can no longer hold the tears at bay and they spill over onto my cheeks.

“Live for her, Anna. Live for you.” His gaze turns pleading, his eyes burning into mine, searching my soul. “Live for me.”

Looking into his baby blue eyes, I know that he has just picked up the first piece of my shattered heart and put it back into place
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Present Day

That was the real beginning of my relationship with Jacob. Over the course of the two years that followed Lindsey’s death, I learned how to pick up the pieces and to live for my Lindsey bug. Not a day hadgone by that I didn’t think of her. Nothing about those two years were easy. I had to work hard at staying focused on the task at hand. I had a wonderful support system t
o
do just that. I still had some bad days where it all seemed to be too much, but then, I always thought of what Jacob asked me to do.

Live. Live for myself, live for Lindsey, and to live for him. That’s exactly what I have done, even now.

Jacob was always with me those twenty-four months. Never leaving me to stray into the dark abyss I had once been in. He always pulled me to the light, to him. When you have that constant in your life, the one you can depend on for anything and everything, you tend to grab ahold and not let go. For Jacob and me, it was the glue that bonded us together. His strength never wavered, the manacle that started as friendship grew into a love that knew no bounds, tethering our once separate hearts to each other, weaving into an unbreakable connection. 

It’s in these final moments, I realize just how important every single thing that ever happens to you, good or bad, is in your life. We are all on a path, we all have choices. Those choices eventually lead us to the place we are intended to be, no matter how much we fight it, or try to deny it. We can try and change our course, but in the end, we still end up exactly where we were meant to be.

Chapter Three

May 25, 2004

Jacob became a permanent fixture in my life, always giving me more than I was able to give in return. He didn’t seem to mind. He just continued to be my rock, giving me strength when I needed it the most. I know I didn’t always make it easy on him. Which is why I know that I am doing the right thing by following my heart. I am giving him what he has given me. It’s time for me to give back as much as he gave and so tomorrow, Jacob and I will be married.

Amy wanted me to spend the night at her house so that I wasn’t alone tonight. I know she means well, but I really just needed this time to myself. Earlier today, I went to visit Lindsey. I told her about Jacob, how wonderful he has been to me since she has been gone. I told her all about how I fell in love with him on my birthday last year. I was pretty down in the dumps that day, as it was the first anniversary of Lindsey’s death.

Jacob showed up at my door bright and early. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, much less see anyone. Jacob however, had other plans. He wasn’t about to let me suffer alone. What really got to m
e
though, was when he pulled out a photo album, wrapped in a bow, and handed it to me. He didn’t say a word as I took it from his hands. Somehow, he had gotten pictures of Lindsey from birth, all the way up to the week before she passed away and put them together in this keepsake for me. Amy had helped him as both of them had placed notes alongside some of the photos. I fell in love with him in that moment. He took the time to show me that he was it for me, that he would always be the one that would pick me up when I was down, wipe my tears away, and be the reason for my smile. That was the first time that I told him I loved him. 

To this day, I am not sure he or Amy truly knows how much that helped me or how much that meant to me. It was that moment, I gave Jacob my entire heart, the one he worked so hard that year to repair.
                           

I am ready for tomorrow. I am not nervous, or scared, or worried, even though most brides are, or so I’ve heard. This is a huge step for me, and one I am ready to take. It’s my turn to show Jacob what he has meant to me over the last two years. It’s my turn to give to him all that I have held back from him. I love him with everything I have in me. He knows I love him, am in love with him, but I have still held a part of myself back from him, afraid that if I give him all of me, I will be letting go of the part that belonged to Lindsey. I know now that’s not the case. I can love and live my life to the fullest and Lindsey will still be a part of that.

Crawling into bed, I pull the covers up to my neck and think over all of the special times I had with Lindsey, Jacob, Amy, and Shane. Those are the most important people to me who I have been lucky enough to have in my life. I close my eyes and let sleep take me over, ready for the morning to come. Sleep finds me easily and it’s a restful, peaceful sleep.

I awake with the sun peeking in through the blinds. I waste no time getting myself up. Excitement has filled me completely for the first time in a long time. It makes me feel truly alive. This morning has been crazy to say the least. After I had taken a shower and made me some breakfast, it turned a little chaotic. Last minute things that needed to be done, getting my dress on, make up applied perfectly, all made for a hectic rush. But one I would not trade for anything.

I am as ready as I can be and getting very antsy for this wedding to start. I want nothing more than to start my life with Jacob. Hearing a knock on the door, I turn and call out, “Come in.”

Amy and Shane walk in, both with timid smiles. I think they are worried about my state of mind. They have seen me at all of my lowest points.

“Hey guys!” I say, smiling brightly. I want them to know I am beyond happy and doing just fine.

“Anna, you look breathtaking,” Shane says, Amy nods her head in agreement to the point she looks like one of those bobble head dolls.

“Amy, stop before your head falls off and rolls across the floor,” I laugh out at her.

“Sorry, Anna, you look so beautiful. Are you ready?” she asks.

“More than you will ever know. Thank you both, for everything. Not just for today, but for every day since we met,” I say, tears stinging my eyes. I refuse to let them fall and ruin my face, so I take in a deep breath, forcing them back. Amy, however, doesn’t hesitate to let her tears fall as she hugs me. Shane puts his arms around us both. There is so much love in that one gesture between the three of us. 

“It’s time,” he says, letting us go.

“Let’s get this show on the road then!” I say, excitement now filling me once again. Amy joins in on my bouncing around, while Shane smiles and shakes his head at us.

“After you, ladies.” Shane sweeps his arm toward the door and Amy and I walk out arm in arm to take our places at the end of the aisle, just behind the closed door.

The ceremony only lasts about twenty minutes total, but it was one of the most memorable twenty minutes of my life. Promises to love and cherish from now to eternity were made under a beautiful canopy of roses. Candles flickered around us, surrounding us in a soft glow. The unity candle was a soft lilac color and we lit it together with the two standalone candles beside it, uniting us as one. One life, one heart, one soul.

Jacob looked amazing in his gray suit. His blue eyes never once left mine during the ceremony. I was in love and I was so happy to become Mrs. Jacob Caulder.

The reception was beautiful as well. The three tier cake sat on a table in the center of the room. Its cream colored icing with lilac colored flowers made a beautiful centerpiece. Napkins with our names and wedding date on them were displayed next to the miniature champagne glasses filled with mints wrapped in a lilac mesh. There was soft music playing in the background, filling the room with an aura of love. Everyone enjoyed the food and dancing. And when it was time for us to leave, everyone blew bubbles for us to walk through. The entire wedding and reception was nothing short of magical.

Jacob and I are now in the car heading to the airport. For our honeymoon, Jacob planned for us to go to the Cayman Islands. Plane first, then a cruise ship, and I am not sure which I am more nervous about. I’ve always said I would never get on a plane, or ride on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and yet, here I am getting ready to do both! With a new journey, comes new adventures. My nerves are disagreeing with me though. My stomach is turning more fiercely than a category five hurricane. I am a mixture of excitement and fear on a whirlwind of an adventure. 

As we pull into the airport parking lot, I can’t help the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Their wings touching every part of my insides making me
a
nervous wreck. Jacob reaches over and covers my hands, which I am wringing, with his own.

“Hey, you’re going to love it. Trust me,” he says.

“I do trust you, the pilot, not so much,” I tell him, my voice shaking with my fear.

“I am here, I am not leaving your side. Don’t be afraid, Anna. Together, remember?” he says. He leans over and places a sweet and gentle kiss to my lips.

“Okay,” I say, simply because I don’t know what else to say, and also because I know he is right. We are together in everything.

The plane ride wasn’t nearly as bad as my mind made it out to be. Actually, I loved it. And since telling Jacob that, he hasn’t stopped picking on me. The boat ride, however, was a little different story. Apparently, waves and I do not get along. I spent the first few hours hugging the white throne of porcelain. Jacob found some motion sickness medicine that helped with my sea sickness. I have been enjoying the ride ever since. We have seen dolphins and other sea critters, which are just amazing to watch. The sunset is the best part. As the sun sinks lower in the sky towards the horizon, the colors it reflects off of the water is rich and beautiful. Almost looking like an oil painting you could reach out and run your fingers along, touching the various colors. The most amazing sight of all happened when we docked on Grand Cayman Island. It took three days and a half of the pack of motion sickness medicine, but we made it. Stepping off of the ship, the sun was bright, the water was a clear teal, and the breeze felt incredible on my skin.

When I looked over at Jacob, the sun was hitting his face. He had his eyes squinted taking in the scenery and the wind was blowing his hair, which he had now grown out some. The sight of him standing there took my breath away. Watching him staring off into the paradise we just entered made him look so young and so carefree. Walking the few steps to him, I wrapped my arms around his waist and just breathed him in. His scent enhanced by the salt filling the air and the breeze floating around us. I fell a little deeper into bliss, into him.

The next two weeks were spent in each other’s arms. In the beach house, in the pool, on the beach, it didn’t matter where we were, it was as if no one existed outside of us. I have never had more fun, or felt more loved than I did in those two weeks. I realized somewhere between dancing on the beach and making love in the moonlight, that there is more for me in this life. That I have a lot to offer someone and I am worth being loved, cherished, and treasured. I have found my happiness. His name is Jacob, and he is my husband, my life, my strength, and my world
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