Finding Strength (18 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

July 4
th
, 2009

Spring flew by this year and now the summer is halfway over. The annual Fourth of July cookout is in full swing at Shane and Amy’s house. It took me a while, but I finally had come to the realization that no, there was no way I wanted to lose Zak. I began putting in more of an effort to show him that he meant something to me, that he was more than a friend. I opened up more about how he made me feel and our relationship grew stronger, closer. I still had not told him that I loved him, truth of the matter was, I wasn’t sure. Even with all that I feel for him, guilt still has its claws buried deep within me.

True to his word though, Zak has never pressed the issue and he is still by my side. I can tell what he feels for me has changed, I see it in the way he looks at me, feel it in the tenderness of the touch of his hands when he guides me into a room. When he kisses me, the air in the room feels different, light and sensual. Sometimes I feel as if it’s too much, and other times, I almost feel as if this is just how it’s supposed to be, confusing as it may seem. I don’t have as many days where the guilt gets me down. That’s changed for me and it took a lot of effort to get to this point.

Amy sits in the chair next to me, bringing me back from my thoughts.

“Have you seen the massive pile of fireworks the guys bought?”

“No, but knowing them, we’ll be out here all night,” I laugh. Shane and Zak get more excited than the kids when it comes to holidays. Of course this one allows them to play with explosives, typical boys.

Zak walks over to us, both Allie and Braxton following closely behind.

“Stay with your moms and watch the show,” he says, then throws a wink in my direction before heading back over to where Shane is waiting.

The fireworks were beautiful and the kids jumped up down, clapping at each new one that burst over the sky. As each one explodes, I think about how short life is. In a sense of time, we are only here for a short while, the beauty of our life comes in the middle of everything we do and those we touch around us, fading out to nothing at the end. It’s not the ending people remember, but those years in between the beginning and ending that memories are the strongest, the ones we hold closest to us. 

The next day I spend cleaning the house. Braxton is now five and we only have a few more weeks before he starts school. I’m one nervous wreck about it, too. Where did the time go? I’m going through all of his clothes in his room when I hear the front door open. Amy bounds into Braxton’s room a few moments later.

She takes one look at the mess and ask me what I am doing.

“Going through Brax’s clothes. I need to get rid of the stuff that doesn’t fit to make room for his school clothes.”

“I can’t believe he is starting this year. Have you thought about what you are going to do?” she ask.

I know she’s asking if I plan on staying home or if I will return to work.

“I’ve given it a lot of thought and I need something to keep me busy or I’ll just sit here and go crazy. I talked to Theresa at the floral boutique shop I use to work at and I start back there the day after school starts.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you.” Amy sits down in the mess next to me and helps me sort all of the clothes I have pulled out of the dresser.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask her.

“Of course.”

“Have you noticed any changes in Zak?”

“No, why?”

“Well, I noticed the way he looks at me has changed and other things, too.”

“Is that a bad thing, Anna? All I see when he looks at you is love. Anyone can see that.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s bad, I just feel like I am cheating him out of happiness, real happiness, with someone who can give him all of her.”

“You can give him all of you, if you wanted to.”

“Amy, it’s not that simple.”

“It is that simple, at least from where I stand. I don’t know all of what you deal with, Anna. I do know that you torture yourself over guilt you shouldn’t feel and that’s not fair to you or to Zak. I can’t tell you wha
t
to do, if that’s what you’re looking for. I can tell you, though, that you should really think about what it is you want from him and why you can’t let Jacob go, or Zak for that matter.”

I ponder over what Amy said. She always puts things to me just the way that they are, no sugar coating anything. I finally come to the conclusion that I must, not just for Zak, but for myself, put every effort into overcoming the remaining feelings of guilt. If there was some way for Jacob to let me know that what I am doing is right, I wish he would show me. Maybe then I could finally, once and for all, live my life with no restrictions and nothing holding me back.

August 5
th
, 2009

It’s Braxton’s first day of Kindergarten. He’s excited and I, well, I’m a mess. No one ever prepares you for the big moments in your kid’s life, this being one of them. He’s not a baby anymore, he’s growing up and that makes me feel a sense of happiness but also a sense of apprehension. I know he’ll do fine. I walk him to class, reluctant to leave, and he places his back pack in the cubby hole. He hugs me bye then takes a seat at a table next to a little girl with long brown hair. It doesn’t take him long to start talking to her. I might be in trouble when he gets older. I watch for just a few seconds more before turning and leaving the school.

I make it home without crying, but that soon changes when I wonder around the quiet house. It’s too quiet and I’m definitely not use to this. I let the tears fall, wiping them away before they can drop from my chin. I know that tomorrow will be better, but for now, I allow myself to cry.

I picked up Braxton from school that afternoon and the entire way home, he filled me in on all of his new friends, what they did today, and how much he liked it. I can be grateful for that since some kids hate school from the time they start to the time they graduate. I’ll take his happiness over that any day. I made him a snack once we got home and then put a movie on for him to watch. Amy called asking about his day and so I recounted all of the stories that Braxton told me earlier. She’s dreading next year when Allie starts school and I tell her a little white lie, it’s not as bad as she makes it out to be. Knowing I felt like she feels just this morning.

Zak called just as I was getting ready for bed, wishing me good luck for tomorrow. It’s been a few years since I have worked. I miss it, but I loved being a stay at home mom. A lot of things are changing and I’m making good on my promise to give him as much of me as I can. I still worry that one day it won’t be enough, but for now, I’m selfishly holding on with all of my might.

Braxton is at school and I am now back at work. The first hour was a little nerve wracking, but I quickly got back into the swing of things. This was somethin
g
that I once loved to do and I’m finding it’s still a passion of mine. It may not be a big time career choice, but I enjoy making bouquets and interacting with the customers.

I am exhausted by the time I get off work and get Braxton home. I make a quick dinner of tuna salad and chips. When dinner is over, I bathe Braxton and get him dressed for bed. I read while he plays in the floor with his cars until time for him to go to sleep. An hour later, I close the book, then gather up my son taking him to his room. I get him tucked in and then read him a story before he falls asleep. I kiss his cheek and then take myself to bed. It doesn’t take long for me to succumb to my exhaustion.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Present Day

I’ve felt really good today and so Amy and I are going to go out to eat for lunch with the rest of the gang. I get dressed while Amy waits outside the bedroom door. When I finish, I lead the way into the living room, Amy hovering right behind me so close that if I were to stop suddenly, we’d both be on the floor. I let out a giggle as the image of us laying in a mangled pile flashes in my mind. Zak, Braxton, my parents, Shane, and Allie are all in the room when I enter. Zak comes up to me, pulling me close to him.

“What’s so funny?” he ask, then places a kiss to my brow.

“I was just thinking that if Amy followed any closer we’d both be a mass of tangled limbs in the floor.” I say, grinning.

“That would be a sight,” he says.

“Everyone ready?” Amy says, walking around me and over to the side table, getting her purse. Everyone agrees and we all head outside.

We pull into the parking lot of a new restaurant that just opened a few weeks ago, Crack ‘N Shack, and word around town is they have some of the best seafood this side of the Mississippi. The hostess seats us and soon our order is placed. The atmosphere i
s
light, and there are several conversations going all at once. We share stories and laughs. I have missed being able to do this. Sometimes I just don’t feel well enough to do much more than breathe, so this is a nice reprieve. When the food is served, the conversation slows down as everyone enjoys their meal.

As we are walking out of the restaurant, Braxton notices a flyer pinned to a cork board in the foyer, he stops to read it.

“The fair is here, can we go?” he ask, you can already see the excitement bubbling in his eyes.

Zak looks at me giving a questioning glance.

“Do you feel like going, Anna?”

“You guys should go. I’m going to just go back to the house and work some more on, well, you know. Amy, you can go with them if you want.” Braxton doesn’t yet know what it is that I am working on and I’d like to keep it that way. One never knows what tomorrow holds and that’s something we are never promised.

“I’ll go with you, Anna. Shane and Allie can go to the fair with you, Zak.”

Amy and I head in the direction of my house while the others all make their way to the fair on the other side of town. I look over to my best friend thinking how lucky I have been to have her in my life.

“You could have gone with them,” I tell her. I feel sometimes she is missing so much of her own life by taking the time to help me get my story onto paper.

December 24
th
, 2009

There are twinkling lights draped from the ceiling and white candles in the center of every table. The Christmas tree is decorated with white lights and re
d
glass balls. Christmas music fills the huge room and floats in the air spreading the spirit of the holidays. This is the first year that the company Shane and Zak works for has thrown a Christmas party, and they definitely went all out. All of the traditional foods were served for dinner and there is a huge table set up with just about every desert imaginable. There is a dance floor in the center of the room, the tables defining the outline of the space.

The music changed from carols to a soft romantic tune, opening up the dance floor. Zak stands and offers his hand. “May I have this dance?” he ask, and I place my hand in his. He leads me out onto the dance floor pulling me close with one arm around my waist, the other clasping my hand and pulling it against his chest between us. I can feel his heartbeat against my hand. He sways us back and forth and when the song is over, I start to turn to go back to our table. Zak has other plans and pulls me against him once again just as John Legend’s All Of Me starts to play.

We finish the dance and return to our seats. The air has shifted yet again, but I can’t put my finger on the feeling surrounding me. I do my best to focus on the party the rest of the night, but something is off. Worry starts to consume me, and I start to think maybe something is wrong with Braxton. My parents are with him at Shane and Amy’s house while we attended tonight and I’m sure they would have called if something was wrong. I try to shake the feeling but it refuses to leave me.

Zak must have noticed and asked if I was okay. I told him I was tired, not wanting to cause him to worry as well. He asked if I wanted to go ahead and go home, and since the party was coming to end soon anyways, I agreed. We didn’t speak much in the car and when I looked at Zak he seemed to be nervous, on edge. I wanted to ask him about it but thought it would be best not to. I certainly couldn’t explain the feelings I was feeling and didn’t want to chance him bringing it up.

When we made it to my house, I turned to Zak and asked, “Aren’t we going to get Braxton?”

“I thought maybe we could talk first. There’s something I need to tell you.”

That feeling from before only increased to an almost unbearable pressure, sitting heavy on my chest. This is it, I thought, he has finally reached the breaking point and I’m going to lose him.

“Okay,” I stuttered out. Zak opened his door and got out of the truck, making his way around to me. He opened my door, helped me out and escorted me to the front door. I fished around for my keys, dropping them twice back into my purse before finally pulling them out and unlocking the door.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked, in hopes of stalling the inevitable.

“No, thank you. Come, sit down with me.” He lowers himself down on the couch and pats the spot beside him. I slowly make my way to him and sink down onto the cushion. Every nerve ending in my body is lik
e
a live wire. My hands are shaking and my breathing is uneven. I try to compose myself, not wanting to give away what I am feeling.

“Anna,” he starts and I bring my eyes up to meet his. The green so clear, the kind you would see in the waters off the coast of some tropical island. “Ever since I met you, my life has been different, in a good way. You have made me feel things I have never felt, want things I never knew to want, and you have brought more light to my life than I knew existed. There’s something I think you already know, but I want you to hear. I love you, Anna.”

I sit there, and as his words sink in, panic begins to rise in me. I knew this day would come, the bridge that I was hoping to never have to cross but knew that one day I would. That day is now, and I’m scared to death. I don’t know what to say, all of my thoughts are jumbled, so I remain quiet.

“I didn’t say them before because I knew you weren’t ready to hear them. From the look on your face, you’re not sure if you’re ready now, but I know you, Anna. I would never say or do anything to hurt you, but I want you to know that I’m in love with you and have been for a while now.”

The look of hope fades from his eyes as I stand and walk across the room. Zak stands and walks over to me. Taking my silence as his cue, he steps in front of me. He takes my hands in his own, the warmth from them instantly traveling up my arms. His next words shock me to my very core.

“Marry me, Anna,” he says, his eyes so focused and so serious, begging, pleading, and filled with hope that I might agree.

Looking down at the floor as I answer, I whisper, “Zak, I can’t.”

Zak moves closer to me, leaving no space between us, he drops my hands and slides his arms around me. I can feel his heart beating against my chest, my own pounding out an unhealthy rhythm in return.

“Marry me. I’m not going to stop asking until you say yes. I don’t care if I have to ask you every day until forever, I won’t give up.” His breath caresses my neck, the heat from his whispers creating goose bumps that continue to spread across my skin. I try to pull back out of his hold, but Zak only pulls me closer, if that’s possible.

I lean my head against his chest, not wanting to look in his eyes. “I love you, Zak, but I can’t marry you. You deserve better,” my voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt. Zak pulls back so fast and I look up at him, he locks his eyes on mine. They are curious and questioning.

“What?” he ask. I think back to what I told him, ready to repeat my words when I realize what I have just said.

I love you, Zak.

I bring my hand up to my mouth, covering it. I think I have went into shock, frozen in place by the reality of what I am forced to face. I have never allowed my heart to admit what my mind must have already known, but my heart just spoke. I love him. I don’t know when it happened or even how, but when I allow my heart to open up, even to myself, I feel it, and I know it. I love him more than just a friend, I’m in love with him. Admitting it to myself
,
I know it’s true.

Stepping right in front of Zak, I snake my arms around his neck. I bring our faces within inches of each other, feeling our breaths mingle. As scared as I am to voice it out loud, I straighten my spine, look directly into his eyes as I tell him what my heart has been trying to deny all along.

“I love you, Zak. I was terrified to admit it to myself, much less to you. I don’t want to be afraid to love you anymore.”

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to hear those words from you. You don’t have to be afraid, Anna. You never have to be afraid of telling me anything. I love you, and I love Braxton as if he were my own.”

Zak closes the distance between our faces, bringing his lips to mine. This kiss is different, maybe because I have finally allowed myself to accept the truth. As Zak runs his tongue slowly across my bottom lip, I allow him the access he is searching for. Opening my mouth for his tongue to meet mine in a lover’s dual, soft and slow, even so, he dominates the kiss.

It’s been so long since I have felt this level of comfort and love of a man. I have guarded my heart, trying to protect it from anymore hurt, placing a wall I thought was solid and impenetrable around it. But Zak broke through that untouchable barrier. He found a place inside me and burrowed so deep, leaving his own tattoo on my heart.

Zak’s lips leave mine, I cling to him trying to pull him back to me. I don’t want to lose the connection between us. I want another taste of his lips. Instead, he moves his lips to my ear.

“Marry me, Anna,” he says once again. I move back just enough so I can see his face.

“I need time, Zak. Please, just give me some time. I have to sort this out and I can’t do that when I’m around you. I’m sorry.” I know it’s not what he wants to hear, but I can’t just jump into this, not when I have only just now allowed myself to acknowledge that I’m in love with him. And then there’s my ever present connection to Jacob, whom I still haven’t figured out how to let go of.

“Take all the time you need. I know you’re scared, maybe even petrified, and that’s okay. Believe me, I understand after everything life has handed you. I’ll give you some space. Just know that I will be waiting, always.” He steps back and lets his arms drop to his side. “I love you,” he says, then turns and walks away.

I stand there, too stunned to move. What did I just do? I saw the pain in his eyes, the rejection, put there by me. I know he is doing just what I asked him to do, give me time, but I’m not sure if that’s really what I want. It’s Christmas, and I have undoubtedly just ruined it. I sink down onto the sofa, rubbing my temples at the building headache. I have to process this, sort it all out in my mind, and try to unscramble the mess and chaos inside my head. I know I can’t say yes to him while I am still so confused and scared, and not when I am still holding on to Jacob. H
e
doesn’t deserve just a part of me, even though, he knew that was what I was offering. When and if I say yes, it will be when I can give my entire self to him. I just don’t know when that will be.