Finding Strength (16 page)

Zak places my hand in his and leans in once more to kiss my lips. I may have guilt sneak up on me later, but right this minute, I don’t care. I feel my heart expand possibly to make room for one more soul.

Chapter Twenty-Five

October 14
th
, 2008

Braxton wasn’t feeling well and since Zak and I were supposed to go out tonight, I invited him over for dinner instead. I had already fed Braxton and put him to bed. The past few days, I had become more curious about Zak’s past, more specifically, his past with Chantel. During dinner, I drummed up the courage to ask him about her.

“Can I ask you something? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I’ll understand.”

“You can ask me anything, Anna. What is it you want to know?” he ask.

“I was wondering about Chantel.” The look that crossed his face made me wonder if this wasn’t included in the ‘anything’ he mentioned. When he answered, I was sure that look wasn’t directed at me though.

“Chantel broke me. I had loved her for so long. We started dating when we were in high school. She could turn every head in the school back then, and she did. I thought the sun, moon, and stars were placed in the sky just for her. After graduation, I asked her to marry me. A year later, we were married and moved to New York. I transferred schools to finish my degree, then landed a job with one of the top architecture firms in Manhattan. Chantel didn’t work, she stayed at home. She wanted the best of everything and I gave it to her. Something changed in her over time, she always wanted more and more, but I loved her so I worked harder, longer hours to give her whatever she wanted. It wasn’t enough for her. She was never happy and she made that known. I filed for divorce when she made it clear that she didn’t want me anymore and started dating her plastic surgeon. A year after the divorce was final, I moved back home and you know the rest.”

“I’m sorry, Zak. She didn’t deserve you,” I say. It hits me then that I don’t deserve him either. After what he went through with her, he doesn’t need someone like me who can’t give him more right now, who may never be able to give him more.

“Don’t be. It took me a while after the divorce for me to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t about me, it was about her. That’s how she is and I was blind to it for so long. I’m happy now, happier than I have been in a long time.”

We finished dinner and when Zak left for the night, I went to bed. So many thoughts were running through my head. I tossed and turned for most of the night, an inner war raging, storm clouds swirling causing a dust storm of emotions. Just before the sun came up, I finally fell into a light sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

November 20
th
, 2008

Zak and I have been dating for two months now. I’m happy with the way things are. He doesn’t push me for more than I can give him, although sometimes I wonder if he wants more. I feel a lot better about moving forward with my life, at my own pace of course. I really like Zak. He’s not only good to me, but he is good to Braxton as well. I don’t know if I love him, or if my heart will ever allow me to, and I know things can’t stay this way forever. I’m scared to think of any further ahead than the here and now. I guess being stuck in the present is much better than being held back in the past.

Thanksgiving is next week and we have been planning our usual get together with Amy and Shane. I don’t have to invite Zak, he’ll be there since he is Shane’s family. The past eight weeks have been really good. I’ve had more good days than bad. I’m finally on the right track and things are looking up for Braxton and me. We have gotten into a routine and somewhere in these past few weeks, what I learned after Lindsey’s death resurfaced in my brain. So now, I’m living life to the fullest of my abilities and I am looking forward to the holidays.

Tonight, I have both of the kids. Amy and Shane are out doing some Christmas shopping, something they obviously can’t do with Allie. We are watching the minions for the umpteenth time and both Allie and Braxton are quoting the movie, line for line, all except for the minion’s parts. They make gibberish for those and then laugh at each other’s imitations. I can’t keep from laughing at them and soon, I am joining in with them.

Sometime during the second movie, I laid a blanket out for the kids, making a pallet on the floor for them. By the end of the movie, both were sound asleep. I turned the TV to a cooking show and turned the volume down. Picking up my kindle from the coffee table, I power it up to the love story I have been reading. I am in the middle of an emotional break up when my phone vibrates beside me. I pick it up and open the text message.

Having fun with the kids?

It’s from Zak. He went out with some friends from work tonight for some pizza at the local pizza shop.

I was, but they fell asleep on me. How’s your night going?
I text back to him.

It’s alright. I’d rather be with you.

My heart does a little flip then skips a beat even as it adamantly denies anything more than an attraction for Zak.

I can’t be more fun than the guys.

You are and I’ve missed you.

I set the phone down for a moment, allowing his written words to sink in. Have I missed him? Yeah, I think so. No, I know I have. It’s been a week since our last date and he’s been busy at work so we haven’t seen each other, even in passing. I pick the phone back up and type out my reply.

I’ve miss you, too.
Then I hit the send button and wait.

After a few minutes with no reply from Zak, I figur
e
I either shocked him into silence, or he is busy. I text Amy to let her know that Allie is asleep already and to just let her stay the night and I’ll bring her home in the morning. I make my way down the hall to the bedroom after turning off the lights in the living room, leaving the TV on for the kids in case they wake up. After changing my clothes, I climb into my bed and sink down into the pillow. My eyes fall shut and sleep quickly puts me under. 

It’s Thanksgiving morning, the sun is up, the dressing in the oven and I am now prepping the pumpkin pie for baking. It’s easier for me to do some of the cooking at my house instead of trying to get all of it done at Amy’s. Braxton is watching the parade in the living room while munching on a pop tart. My phone starts to ring and I grab the dish towel from the counter wiping the pumpkin from my fingers before answering.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Sunshine,” Zak’s smooth voice comes through the line.

“Good morning, yourself.”

“I just wanted to see if you needed any help, then we could ride together later.”

“I still have to make some apple pies, think you can handle that?” I ask.

“I’ve never made one before, but you could show me.”

“Come on over, the door’s unlocked,” I tell him. We say our goodbyes and end the call. I return to mixing the pumpkin and filling the pie shells. The timer goes off on the oven so I take the stuffing out, placing the pies in its place.

As I reach for the apples, I hear the front door open and then Braxton as he greets Zak. When he enters the kitchen, Braxton is on his heels. He has taken a liking to Zak the past couple of months. Zak takes him to the park, or out to get a new toy just for the heck of it, and Braxton enjoys it. Zak picks Braxton up, leans over and places a quick kiss to my cheek. Braxton leans over to copy him, giving me a pop tart crumb peck. I laugh and wipe the crumbs from my face.

“Hey,” Zak says, setting Braxton down on the corner of the kitchen island.

“Hey, you’re just in time to slice some apples.” I hand him a knife. He sets Braxton on the floor before taking it. “Just slice them and make sure there are no seeds in the pieces then put them in the bowl.”

“You’re awfully bossy,” he says, picking up an apple. I can see the grin he is trying to hide from me.

“Yeah, well, you are in my kitchen.”

Zak looks up at me, grin in view, “Would you like me to stand on my head while I cut these for you?”

I form my features into a serious expression. “No, I wouldn’t want the knife to slip,” I pause and Zak smiles at me, “and cut the apples all crooked.” I try desperately to keep my expressions masked, but I can feel my lips starting to turn upwards. The look on his face is priceless and one of shock. I can no longer hold in my laugh and I let it go. Zak joins in with me.

“You’re funny, you know that?” he ask when ou
r
laughter dies down.

“At your service, I’m here all week.”

While Zak cuts the apples, I put together the ingredients for the top layer of crust. I cut them into strips and lay them flat onto some wax paper. I grab all of the ingredients for the filling of the pie and set them next to Zak.

“Mix all of this with the apples, it’s all measured out so just dump it all in the bowl and stir, then put it in the pie shell,” I tell him, sliding the empty pie shell to him.

“Aye-Aye Cap’n,” he says, while picking up the measuring cup and adding in the sugar.

“I’m going to get the macaroni and cheese started. When you have all of it mixed, can you put these strips, crisscrossing them, on the top of the pie?”

“Sure.”

I start making the macaroni and when I have everything ready to go into the aluminum casserole pan, I notice I forgot the shredded cheese for the top. I spin around to the refrigerator, slide open the drawer, and grab the packet. When I turn back around, I notice Zak’s back is to me. He is picking up the strips of dough, placing them on the pie in front of him. I finish the macaroni and cheese and turn around to set it next to the pie that Zak is assembling. I stop dead in my tracks, almost dropping the pan. Slowly I move forward and set the pan down, without even looking at where I am setting it. My eyes are focused on the pie sitting in front of Zak.

“For you,” he says, pushing the pie dish in front of me. Instead of crisscrossing the strips, Zak has made a row of strips and then formed a heart in the center of the pie with the remaining strips. 

I’m speechless, all thoughts fleeing my mind, except one. The gesture is sweet, yet it scares me at the same time. I’ve been so content with the way things have been and this seems to be Zak’s way of telling me he wants to move forward another step. I could be overthinking it, but the feelings I keep trying to deny, that are growing stronger with every passing day, are telling me that I’m not. As the tears gather in my eyes, wanting to dip and fall over the brims, I do the only thing I can. I walk around the island and put my arms around Zak’s waist. He wraps his arms around me, placing a kiss to my temple and holds me while I let tears spill over. I collect myself, allowing the tears to dry and pull back but not completely out of Zak’s embrace.

“Thank you,” I say, the words so quiet I almost couldn’t hear them myself.

“You’re welcome.”

We finish getting everything made, baked, and packed up to go to Amy and Shane’s. I get Braxton ready to go while Zak loads the food in the car. We head out and I lock the door behind us. Braxton talks all the way to Amy’s house and it’s a good thing we don’t live that far from her or he may have just gone hoarse with all the yacking he does. Zak pulls the truck into the driveway, parking behind Amy’s car, and shuts the engineoff. Braxton runs to the door as soon as he i
s
unbuckled, as usual, while I help Zak get the food out of the back seat.

Shane meets us at the door and takes some of the food from my hands, carrying it to the kitchen. I’m still holding the pie that Zak made in my hands and I set it down on the table with the rest of the desserts. I didn’t want to bring it, I wanted to keep it all for myself. Or maybe I wasn’t sure about what everyone would think about it. Zak had assured me that everyone already knew he was crazy about me, and before I could protest, he shut me up by sealing his lips to mine.

“What are you doing over here all by yourself looking lost?” I jump at the sound of Amy’s voice, putting my hand over my heart in an effort to calm the racing.

“You scared me.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I look around the room, everyone else is busy doing their own thing and not paying us any attention. “Look at this,” I say, pulling the cover of the pie plate off revealing the heart shaped crust. Amy stares at the pie for a few seconds before turning back to me.

“Okay, so why is there a heart on the pie?”

“Zak made it. He came over this morning and helped me cook. He did the pie and when I saw it and he said it was for me, I didn’t know what to say.”

“That has to be the sweetest thing I have ever heard,” Amy says, her smile widening across her face.

“It is, but it scares me. I feel things for him that I don’t want to feel yet, so I hold myself back, not willing to risk being crushed again. Life hasn’t exactly been kind to me, ya know?”

“You can’t live your life in fear over something that may never even happen. You know that, right?” Amy ask, and I see a hint of worry in her eyes.

“I know, or at least I want to believe that. You know how my life has gone so far, it’s like there is a dark shadow that follows me, waiting in the wings for the next small piece of happiness I find just so it can surround all that’s good in its darkness and destroy it, right along with me.”

Amy pulls me to her and I wrap my arms around her, returning her hug.