Finding Strength (12 page)

Chapter Eighteen

Amy and I spent the day relaxing, watching the kids play with the pile of toys we drug out into the living room. Since it’s almost time for Shane to come home from work, we decided that it was time to make dinner. While Amy arranges the layers in the pan for lasagna, I make the salad, butter the bread and sprinkle it with garlic. When the front door opens, there’s more than one voice that calls out a hello to us. Zak’s here.

I try to focus on the task at hand instead of Shane and Zak’s presence in the kitchen. I’m not sure why I feel, well, intimidated actually. I know I’m just friends with Zak, he knows I’m just friends with him, that it isn’t more than that, so maybe it’s more because I know Amy will read more into it than is really there.

“Hey, Anna,” Zak says, walking up to stand beside me at the kitchen island. He’s close enough that I can feel the heat coming from his body, yet far enough away for me to keep Amy’s questions at bay, I think anyways.

“Hey, Zak.” Glancing up at him, I offer him a small smile which he returns. He reaches over me to grab a cucumber out of the salad I made. Smacking his hand I say in a joking manner, “Get out of that, you’ll have to wait until dinner’s ready. Didn’t you learn any manners as a child?”

Zak pretends to be hurt, pulling his hand back and placing it over his heart as if he is crushed.

“I never learned any manners, ma’am. Hard to do living in the woods with no runnin’ water, havin’ to walk to school uphill both ways,” he says, joking back with a rich southern drawl. I let out a laugh and even hand him a cucumber out of the salad bowl. “Thanks, you just saved me from starvation.”

“You poor thing, here have another. That should do you for oh, at least ten minutes.” I try out the heavy southern accent but I am nowhere near as talented as Zak with my impression. He takes the cucumber from my hand and pops it in his mouth. With a wink, he turns and follows Shane into the living room to watch some TV until dinner is ready.

Amy, seeing the opportunity to question me, strolls over beside me.

“So, how’s the friend thing coming along?”

“Well, the ‘friends’ thing is just starting, so I don’t really have an answer for you.” I put extra emphasis on the word friends, just for Amy’s sake.

Amy scrunches up her face, clearly not satisfied with that answer.

“You like him though right? I mean as a friend? I was talking to Shane and from what he tells me, you two have a lot in common.”

“Seems that we do. I invited him in for coffee last night and we had a nice conversation.”

“You what?” Amy shouts.

“Shhh, can you keep your voice down please? It’
s
not like I committed some crime or won an Olympic gold medal. And yes, I invited him in and we talked. I told you I was going to try being friends with him and I meant it,” I scold her.

“Sorry, but I am just shocked that you would be that bold after everything.”

“Amy, I’m not dead. I’m really trying here, I wish you would give me a little bit of credit,” I say, frustration lacing my voice.

“I’m sorry, Anna. I know you are, I guess it just really took me by surprise that you actually are going to follow my advice for once. I think it’s good for you, both of you.”

“Let’s talk about it later, okay? Dinner’s ready.”

“Okay.”

Amy calls the guys into the kitchen as she rounds up the kids for dinner. Shane and Zak waste no time getting to the table. I carry the food over while Amy gets the kids in their seats. Once everything is in order, I watch as the guys dig into the food as if they haven’t eat all day. Amy chuckles at them and the kids are both silently watching. We enjoy the meal with light conversation and laughs. It feels really good to enjoy the night, nothing is forced, and I don’t have to pretend I am having a good time, I actually really do enjoy the company.

Amy and I load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen. I decide that it was time to go home. Since getting up early this morning, I am thinking an early bedtime would be good, as long as Braxton cooperates.

“You leaving?” Zak ask.

“Yeah, I got up rather early so I’m going to go ahead and go.”

“Can I walk you to your car?” Zak ask, his eyes pleading for me to say yes.

“Sure, can you grab the bag for me?”

Zak grabs the bag and I hug Amy and Shane before heading to the door. Zak follows me to my car and waits while I get Braxton buckled in. After putting the bag in the backseat, I close the door and turn to Zak.

“Thanks for walking me out.”

“It’s not a problem. I wanted to ask you something,” he hesitates and looks as if he is nervous.

“Go ahead, ask me, I won’t bite.”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. His hesitation is beginning to make me nervous about what he wants to ask me.

“Okay here goes, can I take you and Braxton to dinner Friday night?”

“Zak,” I start but he quickly interrupts me.

“No, not on a date, as friends, Anna. Strictly friends. I know where you stand. Heck, I’m not even sure I am ready for that next step right now anyways. I just want to get to know you better. That’s all.”

Thinking it over, my heart and mind at war, I try to weigh all the things that could happen against all those that might not happen. In the end, my mind wins out. It’s the more sensible of the two organs and not completely locked down like my heart is.

“Okay.” The relief I see on his face makes my lip
s
begin to turn up into a smile. He must have been terrified to ask me. Maybe he really does understand me more than I initially thought.

“Great. I can pick you guys up at seven, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine. I’ll see you then.” With that, I get into my car and back out of the driveway. Zak throws a wave in my direction just before I put the car in drive. I give a small wave back and make my way home.

It’s still early when I get home, well eight is early for me. Braxton is happily playing with his cars on the living room floor and I am watching reruns of Friends. Although I couldn’t tell you a single thing that has happened. My mind is in its own little world thinking back over the past week. From officially meeting Zak, to last night and tonight. There’s a little voice warning me that this might not be such a good idea but I push it back, trying to silence it. Maybe I’ll wait until in the morning to let Amy know. On second thought, she might be upset if I keep this from her. We don’t usually keep anything from each other.

I pick up my phone and start to dial Amy’s number. Braxton is laying down in the floor now sprawled out. I put the phone down and pick up Braxton who has fallen asleep. I carry him to his room and tuck him into bed, kissing him on the forehead before returning to the living room. Returning to my phone, I dial Amy’s number.

“Hello?” Shane answers.

“Hey, Shane, is Amy around?”

“Yeah, hang on just a minute.” I hear Shane telling Amy it’s me on the phone.

“Hey,” Amy says. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I just wanted to tell you something but, promise me you aren’t going to go crazy or think it’s something that it clearly isn’t.”

“Now why would I do that?”

“Oh, because you’re Amy and that’s what you do.”

“You got me there. I promise,” she says. I’m not sure I fully believe that but she’s like my sister and I know how she is so I fully expect it.

“I’m going to dinner with Zak Friday night,” I tell her. The excitement I hear in my own voice also brings fear with along with it. Amy doesn’t say anything and I begin to wonder if she either passed out or hung up on me. “Amy, did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I heard you. I am just processing this, is all. So, is it a date? I thought you weren’t ready for that yet.”

I can hear the concern in her voice and I want to put her mind at ease.

“It’s just as friends, to get to know each other. Friends do that, right? Besides, we are taking Braxton along with us. He wanted us both to go.”

“I’m happy for you and I’m really proud of you, Anna. You need this, Braxton needs this. Can I just remind you to keep your heart and mind open?”

“You know I’m not ready, I’ve explained this to you. I agreed friends, because I do agree with you on that. He’s been there, of course not to the extent I have, but he knows how I feel, what I go through.”

“All I am asking is that you don’t completely shut off all of your feelings. If you feel something, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go, or betraying anyone, it just means that you are human and you are still alive. Embrace that, Anna. You know Jacob would want you to.”

There was so much sincerity in her voice that I quietly agreed and told her that I needed to go. The thought of ever betraying Jacob brings a fresh onslaught of tears. I let them fall as I remember everything Jacob and I had, everything I lost, everything I might possibly never get to experience again. I don’t know how long it takes before a heart heals enough where tears won’t come with every passing thought of the one you love. With my heart so intertwined with Jacob’s, I may forever be living my life with nothing more than my memories.

Chapter Nineteen

Friday is taking too long to get here.

It’s only Wednesday and even the hands on the clock are moving at a snail’s pace. I’m not sure if I am nervous because of going out to dinner with Zak or if it’s because I am scared. Scared that maybe he will think this is more than a ‘just friends’ thing. I won’t lead him on, it’s not fair to him. I have told him though where I stand and he seems to get that. I think that’s why I am giving this a shot in the first place. My heart can’t handle any more loss, not that it’s fully recovered from the losses I have already dealt with. I just can’t do that to myself, or to Jacob. And I won’t do it to Zak. 

Hearing Braxton waking up from his nap, I put the scrub brush down on the counter. Sprinting to his room, I pick him up and change him into a clean outfit. After taking him to the bathroom, and getting him a sippy cup of juice, we gointo the living room. Once he is settled with his toys and his favorite show on the TV, I resume cleaning my already clean kitchen. I have spent the day scrubbing, sweeping, mopping, and anything else I could manage in order to pass the time. I have thought of going back to work, but I don’t want to leave Braxton in someone else’s care right now. Fear of the unknown always grips me when I think of leaving him. So for now, I’ll just busy myself with the mundan
e
everyday task of running my home and being a mother.

“Hello?” I answer the ringing phone, breaking away from my mindless scrubbing.

“Hey, Anna!” Amy sings in my ear. “What are you up to?”

“Cleaning, but I think I have just about cleaned every nook and cranny in this place.”

“Does that mean you can quit cleaning and come over for dinner?”

“I guess it does. Let me change clothes first and we’ll head over in a few minutes.”

“Great! We’ll see you then. Bye for now!” she says, extremely chipper, even for Amy, and she hangs up before I can even say bye to her.

“Well, that was weird,” I muse out loud. I make my way over to Braxton and begin scooping up all of his toys and placing them in a pile against the wall. “You want to go see Allie, buddy?” I ask my little man.

“Allie!” he yells, excitedly waving his arms.

I work on getting everything I will need for Braxton together to go to Amy and Shane’s house. My son is rather impatient to go and play with Allie it seems. He won’t stop yelling her name. He has his little body moving around in a wiggle that I assume is his interpretation of a dance. I smile at him and try to hold back the overwhelming feelings that seeing him acting so much like his daddy has brought on.

“Let’s go, Momma! Let’s go!” Braxton shouts at me.

“We are, Braxton, just hold on for a few more minutes while I finish getting myself ready!” I mimic his excitement.

“No, Momma, now. Please?”

“Okay, okay! I’m done. Let’s go.” I say, just as I’m finishing putting my hair into a ponytail.

Braxton grabs my hand and tries his best to pull me down the hallway toward the front door.

“Hang on, I have to grab your bag.”

Finally getting Braxton in the truck and buckled up, I back out of the driveway and make the short trip to Shane and Amy’s house. Braxton asking every minute or so if we are there yet. When your child is a baby, you long for them to talk, to hear what their voice will sound like. That is, until they start talking and then learn that they don’t have to shut up. Even when his repeated question starts to grate on my nerves, I remember that there is one voice I would love to hear again, to have her doing the same thing, talking non-stop to me, and I silently say a prayer of thanks that I have Braxton.

It didn’t take long for Braxton to take off at a full toddler run when I unbuckled him from his car seat at Amy’s house. I could hear his little fist pounding on the door as his voice carried over to me calling out Allie’s name. When Amy opened the door, Braxton’s fist connected with her leg and I laughed hearing her “oomph” at the contact, pretending he had gotten he
r
good.

“That kid is excited to see Allie isn’t he?” she asked, as I carried the bag and walked up the walkway to her door.

“That he is. We may have to watch them two when they get older.”

“Oh, we may have to watch them sooner than that,” Amy laughed. “Allie has been just as excited, running around saying ‘Braxton coming’ ever since I told her. I think they have totally forgotten about us.”

“We see where we rank,” I joined in her laughter and followed her into her house.

As soon as I passed through the doorway into the kitchen, I knew something was going on. Chicken was marinating in a pan, potatoes were laid out and wrapped in foil ready to be baked. Typically, we cook out every weekend when it’s nice outside, but this isn’t the weekend.

“What’s going on, Amy?”

“We’re cooking out, what’s it look like?” she says, trying to be nonchalant about it.

“I can see that. But, why? It’s the middle of the week. We never cook out in the middle of the week.”

“Well,” she said, very hesitant and dragging out the word.

“Out with it. What are you up to?”

“Okay, don’t get angry, promise?”

“I promise nothing, especially if you’re having to ask me that.” I cross my arms over my chest and wait her out.

“I invited Zak over for dinner, too.”

I narrow my eyes at her. I know what’s coming, I know why she did this.

“I just thought,” she starts.

“You thought what? That you would push this issue, Amy? That you could somehow get me to give in and let Jacob go? Or maybe you thought you somehow rid me of the guilt I feel every time butterflies churn in my gut over another man, one that’s not my husband!” My voice raising more with every word. Anger starts to boil in my blood. She doesn’t look at me, keeping her head down, eyes on the floor. “I told you I wasn’t ready for this. I told you that I was doing this to make a friend, no matter what feelings I may have. You know how this makes me feel, Amy! You know it breaks me to even think that I would be cheating on Jacob! You know this and yet you still try and set me up! I told you I was going out with him on Friday, so why, Amy? Why? Why can’t you just let me do this my way?” My words losing steam as the first of the tears fall.

Not bothering to wait for an answer, as she kept her head down, I walk past her, grabbing Braxton’s bag and picking him up.

“Where we going, Momma?” he ask.

“We have to go home, buddy.” I say, trying to keep any more tears from falling, but failing. Braxton starts to cry, which breaks my heart further. Pulling him away from Allie just after we got here has him crying his heart out.

Just as I get to the front door, it opens and Shane and Zak step inside. Shane looks at me, gives a slight nod of his head in understanding and walks away. Zak just stands there in the doorway, blocking my exit.

“Hey, you okay?” he ask, placing is hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, I have to go.” I squeak out.

He steps directly in front of me, lifting my chin with his finger so that I have no choice but to meet his eyes. The warmth I feel, the feeling of the butterflies returning to my stomach only make my tears fall harder. I can’t do this in front of him. I need to go. I slide past him without another word and pull the front door closed behind me.

              I sit in my car for a few minutes, willing the tears to stop so that I can drive home. Finally, I have them under control enough. Braxton cried all the way home. I bribed him with pizza which seemed to pacify him enough to get his tears to dry. After dinner, I bathed him and put him to bed. Curling up on the sofa with the throw blanket around my shoulders, I thought about my actions today. I was hurt that Amy would try to push Zak and me together. Hurt that she wouldn’t trust me enough to let me do this at my pace, my way.

The more I thought about it, the less anger I felt and the more guilt took over. I may have overreacted to the situation. It’s like I have this switch inside me that I can’t control. One minute it’s sitting on the side that says, you can date and maybe fall in love, on the other side it says, stay in the past and hold on to a ghost. It flips without warning from one to the other, taking my emotions on a wild ride every time.

I know Amy thinks that she is helping me, and honestly, I would probably do the same for her if the roles were reversed, but I also need her to understand and there doesn’t seem to be a way to do that. I know I need to apologize to her. I know there are a lot of things I need to do, even so, I can’t seem to find a place to start. I don’t know how to do this, how to be Anna without Jacob, no matter how hard I try. Do I want to move on, live a full life? The answer is a resounding yes, but how do you do that when your heart refuses to let go?