Finding Strength (8 page)

After Braxton is down for the night, I take a few minutes to myself watching a sitcom on TV. I know the hardest part of my day is just ahead of me when I go to bed. It seems this is the part that never gets easier. At least, it hasn’t so far. Climbing into my bed, I lay on my side facing Jacob’s side of the bed.

“I miss you, Jacob. I don’t understand why you were taken from me. I don’t know which direction my life is supposed to go without you. I never knew how hard it would be to live without you. I miss Lindsey, too. It all just seems to be too much for me to bear sometimes. When Lindsey died, I had you. You were there from the very first day I had to live without my daughter. I lost part of myself when she died, but you quickly gave me the missing piece of my heart by giving me yours. When you died, there wasn’t another you there, but you still left me your heart. I’m covetous, Jacob. I want you here with me. I guess you knew that though, because you also left me with the best part of you. You left me with Braxton. As much as I don’t want to do this alone and without you, I will. I have to for our son. I have to for you, and I have to for me. I’ll never let you go. I love you, Jacob. I will never stop loving you.”

Reaching over, I clutch Jacob’s pillow and pull it close to me, snuggling it up against my fragile chest. I let the tears fall, soaking into my own pillow. I cry myself to sleep, knowing that I have something greater to accomplish. Something that is bigger than myself. I know I will have my setbacks, but I am determined to make Jacob proud of me.

As each day passes, the pain lessens. Onl
y
marginally, but nonetheless, it slowly gets easier to cope with. You never get over losing someone you love more than yourself. I haven’t gotten over Lindsey and I will never get over losing Jacob.

Having Braxton, watching him grow, gives me the push I need every single day to do what Jacob asked of me, what now seems like so long ago. To live for Lindsey, for myself, and for him. I will continue to move forward down whatever path my life ventures on to, for Braxton.

Chapter Twelve

January 2007- July 2008

            
 
There isn’t a whole lot to tell you about during this year and a half period. These were some of my darkest days. I spent many of those days just existing. I realize now, that wasn’t the best thing to do and I lost a lot of time being the best mom I could be. It took a lot of pushing me, helping me, and a heavy dose of tough love by Shane and Amy to get me to move forward and out of the depth of depression I had sunk into. I’m sorry for the time I wasted and there is nothing I can do to get that back. There’s nothing I can say to make it better.

I never neglected Braxton during this time, but I didn’t do everything right. I didn’t do what I should have, which was to pull myself together for the sake of my little boy. I only gave him part of me, when he deserved a mom who was not clinging to the past, holding on to a ghost. I will forever regret that, but I also know that it was times like those where I found I had the will, the strength, and the power within me to continue on.

July 11
th
, 2008

            
 
Sitting on the ground between two of the people
I
have loved the most in my life, I tell Braxton stories of his sister and his daddy. It’s been a little over two years now since Jacob was murdered, a little more than six years since Lindsey drowned. Time has certainly done its best to heal all wounds, but they never fully close. I have learned that I am strong enough to go through just about anything, and somehow, come out better on the other side. Will I ever be able to open myself up to someone else? Probably not. I can’t see putting myself in a position that will leave me vulnerable to another heartache. I just don’t think I could do it again.

After leaving the cemetery, I take Braxton to Amy and Shane’s. He loves playing with Allie, who was born almost two years ago. That little girl is Shane’s pride and joy for sure. Braxton, who is now three and a half, already acts as if he is Allie’s guardian. They are adorable playing together and really enjoy it when they have play dates.

“I’m going to go ahead and slip out while he is occupied. I’ll be back in an hour or so. It shouldn’t take long,” I say quietly to Amy. Braxton doesn’t tend to pitch fits when I leave him, but here the last few weeks, he has started crying some, not wanting me to leave him behind.

“Go ahead, he’ll be fine. Allie always keeps him busy,” Amy says, a laugh escaping her as she watches Braxton trying to hand a block back to Allie.

I slip out the door unnoticed by the two toddlers happily playing away in the living room floor. I slide into the driver’s seat of my car, click the seatbelt into place, and am on my way to the grocery store. It’s much easier to grocery shop without a three year old in tow. Besides, Braxton enjoys his playdates much better than going to the grocery store.

I find a spot not too far from the front of the store and park. Grabbing my list and wallet from my purse, I shove the bag under the front seat and, not so gracefully, stumble out of the car. In my quest to win Parking Lot Queen of the year, I dropped my keys and they bounced underneath the car. I can’t help but laugh as I get on my knees and stick my arm under the car in hopes of finding the runaway keys. This may have been easier if I didn’t have a vehicle that sits lower to the ground than most. I am sure I look quite the sight with my butt up in the air. Finally, I snag the little suckers and get myself up off of the ground. I saunter into the store as if I wasn’t just half crawling under my car seconds ago.

As I am picking out fresh fruit for Braxton, squeezing each cantaloupe checking for the perfect ripeness, I see an arm flash in my line of sight to the pile of melons at the same time I hear, “Excuse me.” I look up and standing beside me is a very nice looking man. His sandy blonde hair harmonizes nicely with his jade green eyes. His perfectly shaped lips look soft, almost irresistible, and are beautifully balanced above his strong jawline. His thick neck meets his broad shoulders and my eyes instantly follow a line down t
o
the corded muscles of his arms. Before I can finish my perusal of him, which I didn’t realize I was doing, he clears his throat causing my eyes to shoot up to meet his. His smile is astonishing. I return his smile, an unmistakable blush marks my cheeks.

“I didn’t mean to reach across you like that,” he says. His voice flowing over me like the softest velvet.

“Oh, it’s no problem. I’m just picking out a melon for my son,” I say. Embarrassment is an understatement to the humility I feel. Openly gawking at a man I don’t know is not something I do. Guilt instantly consumes me. No, no, no! How could I do that to Jacob? I am overwhelmed by all the emotions coming to the surface. How could I feel anything for another man? How could someone spark something to life in me when I belong to Jacob? Panic rises along with bile and I attempt to swallow it down. My smile long gone as I tuck my chin to my chest, allowing my head to fall forward.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I say, letting the melon fall back into the bin with the others.

“Wait!” I hear him call as I make my way to the other side of the store as fast I can without drawing any more attention to myself.

I refuse to let my tears spill over while I am in the grocery store. I rush through my list, throwing things into the cart without care. I am in full on hyperventilation mode by the time I make it to the cash register and check out. I hastily throw the groceries into the backseat of the car and get into the driver’s seat. Just as I buckle my seatbelt, I see the sandy haired man approaching the truck parked next to me. Needless to say, I start the engine and back out as quickly as I can, trying to avoid eye contact with him and not hit anything at the same time. I do believe that is the first time I have ever peeled out of a parking lot, or anywhere for that matter. By the time I hit the main highway leading back towards Amy’s house, the tears have plunged over leaving trials of wetness on both of my cheeks.

Everything begins to move in slow motion as I take the curve a little too fast. My vision was heavily blurred from the tears and my reaction time was drastically reduced from the emotions that overpowered me. By the time I realized the car was skidding off the road sideways, it was too late. I braced myself as my car came into contact with the trees lining the roadway. Shattering glass rained down on me as the impact jarred me toward the passenger side, stopped only by the seatbelt as it locked me into place. The back of the car swung around and collided with another tree, the force slamming into the door knocks the car in the other direction. By the time the car came to a complete rest, after bouncing off a few more trees, it had flipped and landed on its side, suspending me sideways in the seat.

I could see blood, as my sight became tinted with red, shadowed gray around the edges. I tried to move, but I was bound and suspended by the seatbelt. My legs wouldn’t budge as I tried to move them. Screaming for help was no option, since I couldn’
t
seem to make the words leave my mouth. I tried, but I simply had no energy to push the words past my lips. As the gray in my vision become more vivid, sleepiness hovered and my eyelids grew heavy. Shutting them completely, I thought of my son. I could see his smiling face and chubby cheeks and I think I smiled, and then the world went dark.

I awoke to a stranger’s voice asking me to stay with him. Confused, I tried to look around to see where I was.

“Where am I?” I muttered.

“You were in a car accident. We’re going to get you out, but I need you to stay awake for me. Can you do that?” The man’s voice was as sweet as honey and I set my focus on it.

“Okay.”

“No, don’t close your eyes. Look at me.” I strained to look at him, his blue eyes showing concern and a fierceness just behind them. “That’s it. Good girl. What’s your name?” he asked.

“Anna.”

“Anna, they are getting ready to move you from the car now. Focus on me, and only on me.”

I did as he said, never letting my eyes leave him as they transferred me from the car to a stretcher. As they loaded me into the ambulance, he climbed in beside me.

“You’re going to be okay. You hear me?”

I didn’t verbally respond but nodded my head, or at least I think I did. I fought so hard to stay awake, but it was too much for me. The heaviness overcame me and I closed my eyes, once again succumbing to nothing but blackness. 

Chapter Thirteen

Present Day

I was so lost in my own story that I didn’t realize what time it was until Amy stopped me.

“Your parents just got here. I’m going to go put the lasagna in the oven. I made it last night, so all I have to do is heat it up,” Amy says, standing, stretching, and then turning for the door.

“Amy? Will you send my mom and dad back here?” Amy shakes her head yes and walks out of the door.

A few minutes later, my parents walk in, both smiling, both trying to get to the bed first. My mom beats my dad to me, leans over and hugs me as much as she can without falling on top of me. Dad follows her lead, hugging me and then lightly brushing my cheek with a kiss. I’m glad they are here. It’s been a while since I have seen them. Distance and of course health makes it hard to visit as often as I would have liked.

“How was your trip?” I ask them.

“Very good, your mother read the entire time so it was rather quiet,” dad says, smiling at my mom. He loves to pick on her and vice versa.

“I have to read so that I don’t get scared out of my mind and lose all my wits, Frank. With the way you drive you could scare that Matt Meyers guy to only come out on Christmas and deliver candy canes.”

“Mike, Mom.”

“Who’s Mike?” my Mom ask. I let out a giggle and she looks at me puzzled.

“It’s Mike Meyers. He’s the guy from the movie Halloween,” I tell her.

“Well, your dad could scare him, too!”

When lunch is ready, my dad helps me up and into the dining room. We all enjoy the lasagna Amy made and it’s as usual, out of this world good. I was never able to perfect my lasagna to match hers, so I finally told her I can’t learn and that it was her job from now on. She had graciously accepted after trying my poor attempt of mimicking hers. When the food is gone, Zak clears the table while Shane brings over the coffee that he brewed a few minutes before. Braxton and Allie leave the adults sitting at the table in favor of the Minions 2 movie.

My mom tells us all about the new reading group she is in at her work and how her friend, Gayle, set her up on social media and showed her the ropes of who to follow, and how to find new books and authors. That’s just one of the many things my mom and I have in common, our love for books. While we ladies engage in conversation about the latest releases, the men talk baseball and the upcoming football season. It’s always sports with them when they get together. Don’t get me wrong, I love them just as much as th
e
next person, but just how many different things could there possibly be to talk about on the same two sports? Apparently, there are many according to the guys.

Zak sets my parents up in the guest bedroom when it’s time for bed. I tell them goodnight and Zak helps me down the hallway to our room. I’ve over done it today, and I’m extremely exhausted, but it’s been a really good day for me. I get situated in bed and watch as Zak flitters around the room.

“Are you okay?” I ask him. I know something is bothering him. He turns to face me, then walks over and sits on the edge of the bed.

Picking up my hand in his, he says, “I’m scared, Anna. I’m not ready for this, I’ll never be. I don’t know how to deal with all the feelings I have and I hate feeling helpless.” He cast his eyes down to the bed. I know he is trying hide how deep his fear runs and he knows if he looks into my eyes, they’ll be no masking it.

I tug on his hand, pulling him to me. He comes willingly and I wrap my arms around him.

“I know you’re scared. I am too, but there is nothing we can do about it. Everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to. No matter what, I wouldn’t change anything.”

We hold on to each other for what seems like hours, but really is only minutes. Zak pulls back, wipes his eyes, and then gently runs his fingers beneath my eyes, removing all traces of tears. He gets up, strips down to his boxers and slides into bed besideme. Pulling me to his chest, I relish in the feel of him, committing him to memory. Forever is what w
e
promised. Forever is what we’ll have. Maybe not in the here and now, but beyond this life where forever exists.

My parents left this morning with the kids, taking them to the movies, lunch, then to go bowling. They enjoy spending time with them, but my mom knows about the diary I am making for Braxton with Amy’s help, so she’s giving me the time I need to work on it. So now it’s just Amy and me. We both get comfortable and then get back to work.

August 1
st
, 2008

The room is dark with the exception of the small slither of light coming in from somewhere on the other side of the room. I try to focus my eyes enough to see my surroundings. The insistent beeping of the alarm clock is grating on my nerves. I try to turn to my side to shut the annoying sound off, but pain slices through my mid-section. I groan and hold still, closing my eyes, trying to alleviate the pain.

Confused would be an understatement as to how I am feeling. Why am I hurting and why can’t I just shut the stupid alarm clock off? I open my eyes just enough to be able to see around me. Looking to my left, I notice the machine, the monitor with the glowing green numbers and lines counting heartbeats and breaths
.

I’m in the hospital. How did I get here? What the heck happened to me?

I try to remember what could have happened to land me here. The last thing I remember is being in the grocery store. Jade green eyes haunt my memory. The feeling of guilt threatens to consume me as I lay here. Tears burn, well up, and then leak from my eyes, falling to the pillow below my head. I close my eyes, not even trying to stop the flow of moisture. More than anything, I remember the feelings that the man with the jade green eyes evoked in me. Attraction that I have only felt for Jacob, long ago buried with him, once again coming alive.

I faintly hear the door open and soft footsteps crossing the room. I don’t open my eyes, too ashamed at what I have done, even though I still have no clue how I ended up here. A delicate, comfortable touch to my shoulder has me peeking out through my closed lids to find Amy standing beside the bed.

“Hey, Anna,” she says quietly. Even through the tears that are still bubbling in my eyes, I can see the worry and the fear in hers. I try to offer a smile, but I can’t even force one for her. “How are you feeling?”

How to answer that. Not wanting to let anyone else know my guilt, or what I have done, I go with the simple answer. “I hurt. Everywhere.”

Amy pulls the chair over next to the bed and sits down, taking my hand in hers. I want to know what happened, what I did to wind up laying in a hospital bed, in pain, with no memory of what happened when I ran from the beautiful green eyed man in the store.

“How did I get here?” I ask.

“What do you remember?” she asks.

“I was at the grocery store, then I was here.”

“You were in a car accident, Anna. You lost control and slammed into some trees. They had to cut you out of the car. I was so scared we were going to lose you.”

My face must show the horror I feel inside as Amy glances down at her hand that is joined with mine. I give her hand a small squeeze, either to comfort her or myself.

“I’m so sorry, Amy,” I whisper to her.

“I know you are. But it doesn’t change the fact that for the last three weeks, Shane and I didn’t know if you were going to come back to us or not.”

Three weeks? I have been here for three weeks? Oh no, Braxton, my baby.

“Braxton,” I mutter.

“He’s fine. He is with Shane. He doesn’t know why you can’t come home, other than you are sick, he hasn’t seen you yet. We didn’t want to scare him. I know you, Anna, something had to have happened for you to be driving crazy like that. The police said that you were going way too fast and that’s why you lost control. Talk to me. Please, talk to me,” she says, her eyes begging me to let her in on what’s going on with me.

Taking as deep a breath as my body will allow, I tell her my fears, my horror at myself, my pain, and my guilt. I tell her everything from the time I noticed hi
m
standing next to me, to the thoughts running through my head, to how I was crushed with guilt. I finish retelling all that I remember and by the time I am done, I am out of breath and on the verge of a mental breakdown. I wait for Amy to say something, anything, but she’s sitting there like a stone statue. Finally, just when I think she won’t, her sorrowful eyes connect with mine and she speaks.

“Anna, you have to quit doing this to yourself. You can’t live your life in the dark, hidden away from the world. I know what losing Lindsey and Jacob has done to you, I see it every single day, but you can’t do this to yourself. You know Jacob wouldn’t want this for you. You’re holding on to a guilt that shouldn’t even exist, yet you allow it to eat at you. You’ve got to stop this.”

“I can’t. I’m trying, Amy, but I just can’t seem to let him go. And having feelings or an attraction of any kind for someone else, someone who I don’t even know, that’s wrong. It’s cheating on him, don’t you understand?” I ask her, my voice imploring her to discern just a hint of what I am feeling.

“I know that’s what you believe, but that’s not the reality of it. Jacob is gone and you can’t bring him back. You can’t cheat on someone who isn’t here. And no matter how much you want to, or how hard you try, nothing will ever bring him back. You’re here though, and yet, you’re not because you are still holding on so securely to him. You have to move forward. I can’t stand to see you like this,” she says, her eyes misting as her last words fall to a whisper.

“I’m not ready yet,” I stutter out. Turning my head away from her, I close my eyes, trying desperately to clear my head of all thoughts. I know Amy hasn’t left as she still has hold of my hand. I’m not sure how much time passes before sleep pulls me under and my world fades to black, free of dreams and free of nightmares.

I wake to the sound of soft murmurs coming from somewhere in the room. I can’t understand what is being said, no matter how much I strain to hear them. When I open my eyes, Amy is talking to whom I assume is my doctor. They must have felt my stare and they both turn to look at me.

“You’re awake, I’m Dr. Landry. How are you feeling?” he ask, walking over to the side of the bed.

“Sore, tired, and kind of stiff like a mummy if you want the truth.”

“All understandable. Do you remember what happened?” He questions.

“No, I don’t really remember anything past the grocery store. Amy said I was in a car wreck?” The last coming out as a question. It’s not that I don’t believe her, more like I am hoping he will take that as a cue to tell me what is wrong with me.

“That’s correct. You sustained some pretty serious injuries. Your spleen had a tear in it, which we repaired during surgery along with a tear in your bowels. You have a few broken ribs, and your leg is fractured in two places. The tear in your bowel sent toxins through your body, but we have gotten that under control now,” he states matter-of-factly. “While we were repairing your spleen,” his voice fades out when he continues talking, my head spinning, trying to force the memories to appear.

To say that what he said to me, the parts that I heard, scares me, definite understatement. After he left the room, Amy explained how touch and go it was. The toxins that went throughout my body did a number on me and so I spent the first two weeks in ICU. Sedation was necessary, especially since with the amount of trauma I had, they needed me to rest and begin healing. I should be able to go home in another week or two, depending on my test results. At least I am alive and nothing else major was damaged, like my heart. Then again, you can’t really break something that was already broken.