Finding Strength (13 page)

Chapter Twenty

Present Day

            
 
I didn’t sleep well last night. The pressure on my chest had me struggling to breathe and it kept me awake. Zak stayed awake with me, watching and asking if I needed to go to the emergency room. I assured him that I was alright, but I’m also sure that I didn’t convince him. First thing this morning, he called Dr. Hammond’s office to see if they have gotten the results to my tests back yet. They hadn’t so far and told him they would call as soon as they came in.

The phone starts to ring and Zak sprints to it as if it’s a fire needing to be put out. All he keeps saying is yes and okay, then he says, we’ll be there in about half an hour. He hangs up the phone, opens my dresser drawer and ruffles through my clothes until he finds what he is looking for, my grey sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Dr. Hammond wants us to meet her at the hospital. They are going to have to drain the fluid again. Do you need help getting dressed?” he ask.

“No, I can do it sitting here. Go ahead and get ready.”

“I’ll be back in a minute. I’m going to let your parents know, I’m sure they’ll want to be there as well. I’ll call Amy, too.”

I’m taken back into a room in the emergency department where Dr. Hammond is waiting for me. I get changed into the gown and lie back on the bed.

“There’s too much fluid for us to just increase your Lasix. We’re going to have to remove the fluid and then we’ll see about increasing your dosage,” she tells me.

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it?” I ask, the fear I have felt and tried to hide is coming through every syllable I speak.

“I’m sorry, Anna. We are going to do everything we can to help keep you comfortable.” Dr. Hammond squeezes my shoulder, then steps out of the room.

I feel as if the walls are closing in on me and there’s nowhere to escape. There’s nothing I, or anyone else, can do to stop this from happening. Zak pulls the chair next to the bed, picks up my hand in his and rubs his thumb in circles over my skin. It’s comforting and reassures me that I don’t have to face this alone.

“We’re going to get through this, Anna. They’re going to get your medicine increased, it’ll slow down the amount of fluid you retain and we are going to live a long life together.”

“I wish I could truly believe that. I’m not so sure I do though. I just don’t know if there is any more strength left in me to fight,” I say, already defeated. 

“Look at me,” Zak commands, and I do. “You have always been stronger than you thought you were. You have overcome so much already. I’m not going to let you give up, I won’t let you quit,” he says, his voice no
t
harsh, but stern, leaving no room for any doubt that he means it.

“Sometimes, it just seems like all hope is gone, it’s all been used up until there isn’t a speck of it left in me anywhere,” I say quietly, as a salty tear slips from the corner of my eye.

“There’s always hope, Sunshine. Always.”

It wasn’t long before the anesthesiologist came into my room, numbed me up, and gave the go ahead for the doctor to drain the fluid. After two syringes full, a worried look crossed Dr. Hammond’s face.

“Call the O.R. Let’s prep her for a chest tube. There’s too much fluid to continue with the syringe.”

There was a flurry of activity after that. One of the nurses escorted Zak out of the room. I could faintly hear her tell him where the waiting room was for the surgical floor. Then, I was wheeled out of the room and rushed to another room where it was very cold, and very bright. It wasn’t long before I was pulled under by the power of the anesthesia.

When I come to, it doesn’t register where I’m at. That doesn’t matter as much as the pain I feel in my side.

“Anna, I’m Shelly, your nurse. How are you feeling?”

Why do they always ask that, like anyone ever answers with ‘oh, I’m just as fine as a daisy’? But I answer her honestly and without the sarcasm.

“It’s not too bad right now.” I downplay how much pain I am in.

“You just let me know if you need anything. They should be moving you to a room shortly.”

I spent seven days in the hospital before being released. Dr. Hammond increased my Lasix and instructed me to limit my activities. I haven’t been doing much lately and if I limit it anymore, I’d be in the bed all of the time. I am feeling better, and my breathing is a lot less labored. My prognosis looks good for now, so maybe there is hope after all. I’m glad to be home and away from the antiseptic smell of the hospital. I’ve missed seven days of writing with Amy. Time isn’t always a given, it’s not something that can always be measured to a certain specification, so we don’t waste a moment getting back into our rhythm.

August 24
th
, 2008

I woke up with a horrible pain in my neck. Sleeping on the couch was not a good idea. Sitting up, I try to undo the knot in my muscles that are holding my neck hostage in one place. I need aspirin and I need it now. Braxton will be up soon and I still need to call Amy and apologize. After all the pep talk I gave myself last night, I’m still more confused than ever.

Tylenol can be a girl’s best friend. After an hour of stretching my neck, it’s finally stopped hurting. Braxton has already asked about going to see Allie. I couldn’t tell him no. I really think maybe Amy can help me figure things out. Making my heart be as open as my mind is more the problem than anything. When I look deep enough I am forced to face the fact thatZak makes me feel things. Things that
I
both don’t want to feel and want to feel. Things that I’m not sure I am ready to feel, but feel nonetheless. Sometimes, the heart needs to be overridden by the mind, especially when that heart is still mourning a loss too great to fully recover from. Decision made, I pick up my cell phone and dial Amy’s number.

“Hey,” Amy answers, her voice quiet as if she isn’t sure what mood I am in. I can’t blame her really.

“Hey. I’m sorry about yesterday. I overreacted. Can I come over so we can talk?” I ask.

“Okay. Come on over, I’ll put on some coffee.”

“I’ll be there in about half hour. I need to get Braxton dressed first. See you in a few.”

“See you then.”

I pulled into Amy’s driveway almost exactly thirty minutes later. We got the kids settled, who were very excited to see each other, and Amy poured us each a cup of coffee. Sitting at the dining room table where the kids were still in view, I decided not to beat around the bush and just come out with it.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I know,” I started.

“It’s okay, Anna. You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who should be saying I’m sorry. You’ve already told me how you felt and I should have just listened to you.”

“That’s just it, I’m glad you didn’t.” Amy’s eyebrows raise and her mouth drops open in surprise at my statement. “I know you were only trying to help. You’ve always been there, pushing me to move forward. I want your help.”

Amy’s face went from to surprise to total shock.

“Of course. What can I do?” She ask, a small smile breaking through while her eyes light up, shimmering with hope.

“Last night after I got home, I started thinking about all of things that you have said, about the things that have happened. It made me realize that, even though I may not be fully ready to let go of Jacob, Zak does make me feel again. Do I want these feelings? No, or at least I don’t think I do, but I’m helpless to stop them. I’ve decided that it’s time for me to move on, move forward, find my next path in life and start a new chapter. I don’t want to hide anymore, not from you and not from myself. You were right, where I am at, stuck in this rut, Jacob wouldn’t want that.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, waiting for Amy’s reply, watching her intently to decipher the emotions flying across her face.

“I’m proud of you, Anna. I know Jacob would be, too. It’s not an easy choice to make, I know that. I will do whatever it is that you need me to do.”

I wrap my arms around my lifelong friend, hugging her tightly and whispering my thanks to her. We spend the rest of the day chatting about Zak, the kids, Shane’s work, just anything that came to our minds. I felt much lighter, like a weight had been lifted not just off of my shoulders, but off of my chest as well. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I would face setbacks. Waging a war with your heart and your mind isn’t an easy battle to win, but I am determined to try.

Sliding in between the sheets of my bed, I pull the comforter up just under my arms. Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow is my dinner with Zak. I’m both excited and scared. I have told Zak from the beginning that all I can offer is friendship, but every day, every time I see him, those unwanted feelings make themselves known. With my mind wanting to give into the feelings, overruling my heart, I snuggle further down into my pillow and close my eyes. I fall asleep with thoughts of what could be, spinning a web in my head, daring me to take the chance.

The sound of heavy rain wakes me from my sleep. The droplets of water bounce off of the window while thunder rolls in the distance. I check the time on my cell phone, seven in the morning. Not wanting to miss watching the storm, and too nervous about tonight, I get out of the warm bed and walk sleepily to the kitchen. I start the coffee and get out the ingredients for a southwestern omelet. Braxton won’t be awake for another hour or so, unless the storm wakes him early.

I am just about to take my first bite of my omelet when my phone chirps on the table, its vibrations making it dance on the wooden table. A smile breaks across my face when I notice Zak’s name across the screen. I had Amy give him my number and Shane didn’t hesitate when I asked for Zak’s. It doesn’t take long for the negative half of my mind to conjure up the idea that maybe he is cancelling on me. Maybe I am too much trouble with too much baggage and now he’s realized that it was mistake to pursue me. I stare at the screen until it goes dark, taking Zak’s name with it. Holding my breath, I hit the home button and swipe my finger across the front bringing the phone back to life. I hesitate for just a split second before opening the text from Zak.

             
Good morning, Anna. Looking forward to tonight. We are still on for dinner, yes?

             
Not too many things have made me smile a real smile lately. Those simple words, however, did. I typed back my reply,
Good morning, Zak. Of course. I’ll see you tonight
, and hit send. I finish eating my omelet, rinse my plate and load it into the dishwasher. A loud crack of thunder caused me to jump, hitting my hip on the island. Braxton started crying and so I hobbled down the hall to his room. I picked him up and set him against my now bruised hip, quickly switching him to the other side.

“Are you hungry, little man?” I ask. Instead of a verbal answer, Braxton nodded his head yes in response. I make him some scrambled cheese eggs since they are his favorite and get him a sippy cup of apple juice.

I watch the rain outside fall in sheets while my mind wondersto Zak. His green eyes that shimmer, showing their depths like a bottomless ocean. His sandy blonde hair that looks highlighted by the sun, giving him more of a California surfer look than someone who is from a small town in Alabama. The way his muscles strain and flex, pulling tight against his bronzed skin. And then there is the way he listens, really listens to me when I talk to him. Add in th
e
heartache that he has faced in his past that gives him more understanding of my loss than anyone else around, and it’s a perfect storm. A storm that is causing tidal waves of emotions to gather and crash into the wall that surrounds my heart.

Maybe, just maybe, we are two kindred spirits just looking for our place in life with someone who can help carry the pain, help carry each other through the toughest moments. And maybe I am just being ridiculous. Either way, it’s time to give this a shot, open myself up to more heartache, or possibly even, a little love.

Chapter Twenty-One

August 26
th
, 2008

Evening

“Coming!” I yell from the hallway. I wasn’t quite ready when Zak knocked on the door. I amble to the door, pulling it open. Zak is standing there, an exquisite smile spread across his face, lighting up his eyes. The dress shirt he has on fitting snug against his chest and arms, show his well-defined, but not overly toned muscles. The top two buttons are undone. His black slacks hang perfectly on his hips and my heart picks up speed as my eyes venture the rest of the way down his body. He is simply stunning.

“Hi, come in.” I stammer out. Zak walks past me, stopping briefly to place a soft kiss to my cheek. He seems pleased that I didn’t pull away or go into my typical just friend’s speech. I looked up into his eyes, my heart hammering at a pace that would make a cheetah look slow, and I smiled. The look of relief was palpable, like he could finally breathe after holding it in for too long.

“Hey. You look amazing, Anna.”

“Thank you.”

“You ready?” he asked.

“As I’ll ever be,” I said. I smiled at him in hopes of not showing how scared I am or the nervousness running a race in my veins. “Braxton, you ready to go?”

Braxton ran over to me and I picked him up. Zak grabbed the bag that I had set on the table next to the front door and slung it over his shoulder. I waited while Zak changed Braxton’s car seat from my truck to his.

“May I?” he asked, holding his arms out to Braxton. Braxton went willingly into Zak’s arms. Once he was all buckled in, Zak held the passenger door open for me.

“Thank you.” I got into the truck and he closed the door. I watched Zak as he moved around the front bumper and then got in, and soon we were on our way.

It didn’t take long to get to the Italian restaurant and get seated. Zak had called ahead and made reservations for us. Braxton was given a booster seat and was happily coloring on a paper menu. Once the waitress had taken our drink order, Zak and I fell into a comfortable conversation. Nothing heavy, just how he is enjoying being back in the south and how work is going for him. Since I am a stay at home mom, I filled him in on what it’s like to be able to stay with Braxton and not have someone else raise my child. My life was definitely not all glitz and glamour, far from it, but being able to stay home with Braxton was a high point for me.

After we finished eating, Zak ordered Braxton an ice cream topped brownie. I’m sure he’ll be bouncing off the walls later, but for now he is content to sit still. Zak, who was sitting across from me, leans in closer to my side of the table, resting his elbows on the shiny brown wood.

“So, Anna, tell me something about you that I don’t know,” he asked, a spark of curiosity blazing in his eyes.

“What do you want to know?” I asked, not sure of where he was going with this conversation. Part of me wanted to keep all of my secrets locked up tight, hidden key and all. The other part wanted to let him know that I wanted to give whatever this was between us a try.

I told him about my time in college, all of the trouble that Shane, Amy, and I liked to get into. Not that we were terrible or trouble makers, just your typical college pranks that seemed to keep us pretty busy on weekends. Zak told me about his time in college and his dream to be a big time architect. The moment of truth arrives when Zak directed the conversation to Lindsey. I guess Shane had told him about her. Although I don’t know just how much he was told, something in Zak’s eyes told me that I could trust him with my secrets, and with my emotions, that he wouldn’t run if it got too hard to talk about. I wanted him to know, for someone else to know my baby girl. I just wasn’t sure how I would get through reliving Lindsey’s passing. One step at a time, I continue to remind myself, drudging up the courage I needed.

“Lindsey was beautiful. Her brown curls and golden eyes drew everyone in. Her laugh was infectious. She was a happy baby, then a happy toddler. I thought the sun rose and set in her. Everything about me from the time she was born evolved around her.” I grabbed my purse that was hanging on the back of my chair, reaching in for my wallet where I kept a picture of Lindsey taken about a week before she drowned. Pulling the picture out with a shaky hand, I stared down at the little gold eyes gleaming back at me from the paper. Tears welled up in my own eyes and were threatening to run over, but I sucked in a breath and tried to hold them at bay for as long I could. I glanced at Zak as I handed the picture over to him.

“She’s beautiful. She looks like you,” he says, still looking at the picture.

Zak didn’t ask about the drowning, instead he focused the conversation more on the happy times I had with Lindsey. It was still hard to talk about but this was much easier than having to tell the events of the day she drowned. For that, I was eternally grateful. I know at some point, if things progress with Zak, that I need to tell him. He needs to understand that part of my heart is and forever will be, owned by both Lindsey and Jacob. I can only offer him part of me, and if he is willing to accept that, then we can move forward. Nothing about my life is easy and Zak needs to know so that he can make an informed decision about what he wants from this or where he wants it to go. I have my moments where I fall back into the dark times I have lived through. Amy does her best to keep me from staying there too long, even so, they happen. It’s not fair to Zak to be blindly thrown into that. Especially with no knowledge of why it happens to begin with. That isn’t something he should learn from Shane or even Amy, it’s something he should hear from me. One day, maybe, I will be able to tell him all of my past.

After dinner, Zak drove Braxton and me back to my house. I offered for him to come in but he declined. My heart fell at the thought that he already felt as if I came with too much baggage. Another part of me felt relief that maybe this way though, I wouldn’t be a disappointment or a letdown. Since I met Zak, I have felt like I am being pulled in two different directions. My past and my future battling it out in a tug of war, each side pulling me over its line, back and forth. It’s exhausting sometimes.

Zak walked me to the door and waited until I had the door unlocked and opened before he turned to go back to his truck. He’d only gotten a few steps away when he turned around to face me.

“Can I take you to the movies next Saturday night?” he ask, his thumbs hooked in the front pockets of his slacks, his eyes locked on mine, imploring me to say yes.

The negative thoughts were push awayas a new hope bubbled up inside me. It didn’t take me long to answer him, and my own eagerness surprised me. This wasn’t new to me, yet in a strange way it felt as if it was. I had spent so much of the last couple of years shutting myself off from everything so that I could avoid the pain that I surely thought would come with opening myself up to someone else. The guilt and feeling as if
I
am somehow betraying Jacob hasn’t left me, but I am trying my best to work through that. Pushing it back into a safe space in the furthest recesses of my mind.

If there is one thing I have learned, I know this for sure now, life goes on, whether you want it to or not. There’s no stopping the hands of time and there are no do overs. There are only the memories that you carry with you and the rest is up to you. No one said that life would be fair or even easy and in my case, it seems neither of those have panned out in my favor. Right here, right now, I think that I have been given a second or even a third chance at a little happiness. I want to be able to grab onto this chance with both hands. The problem is figuring out what it is I need to do and exactly how I am ever supposed to let Jacob go.

I agreed to go to the movies with Zak, said my goodbyes, and went inside locking the door behind me. Braxton was, as I thought he would be, on the hyper side after the dessert he ate at dinner. It’s best to just let him play until he wears off some of the energy he collected this evening instead of trying to force him to bed, so he is happily playing with his toy cars, crashing them into one another. I turn on the TV to some program that I’m not even remotely interested in and let my thoughts reflect on the past couple of hours. It took Braxton an hour before he played himself out. I put him to bed, then I changed into my pajamas and climbed in between the cool sheets of my own bed. My eyes fluttered closed and my mind slowed its thoughts as sleep pulled me under.