Finding Strength (15 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Present Day

            
 
“Let’s take a break, Anna. It’s past lunchtime and I can hear your stomach from over here,” Amy says, setting the notepad down beside her.

              “It’s not mine, it’s yours!” And just as I get the words out of my mouth, my tummy grumbles loudly to make a liar out of me. Amy and I both laugh.

              “I’ll make us a grilled cheese.”

              “I’ll go with you,” I say, pushing the blanket back and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

              Since having the fluid drained, I am able to move around a lot better now. I don’t need as much help getting around, although someone is always hovering just to make sure that I don’t lose my balance and face plant the floor. I sit at the table while Amy is make the sandwiches, humming away while she does. Shane and Zak are at work today while my parents have decided that they need to take Braxton and Allie to every town within a fifty mile radius for sight-seeing. I’m glad the kids are able to get out and do some things for the summer instead of sitting in the house bored out of their minds.

              With the sandwiches made, eaten, and the kitchen cleaned, I glance out the back door to the patio. The sun is out, but the porch is shaded.

              “Amy?”

              “Yeah?”

              “Let’s go sit outside. I’ve been cooped up in the house long enough and it’s beautiful out.”

              “Alright, let me go grab the notebook,” she says, turning in the direction of the bedroom.

              It’s warm, but not too warm and I really enjoy the fresh air. I tend to stay on the cold side since getting sick so the warm air feels like a heated blanket on my skin. I settle back in the chair and relax, enjoying the peaceful feeling surrounding me.

              “You ready?” Amy asks.

              “I am.” 

September 4
th
, 2008

The ringing phone drags me out of my slumber. With my eyes half open, I reach over and grab it.

“Hello?” I say, but hear nothing until the stupid thing rings again directly in my ear. Groaning I hit the answer button and try again. “Hello?

“Hey girlie! Are you awake?” Amy’s animated voice flows in my ear, rattling my still sleeping brain.

“I am now, sort of.” I mumble, still trying to form coherent words.

“How’d it go last night?”

“Amy, it’s,” I look over to the clock and see it’s only seven-thirty in the morning. “so early that the birds haven’t even woke up yet. Is Braxton even awake?”

“No, he’s still sleeping. I couldn’t wait any longer, though. You didn’t call me last night and I had to make sure that you weren’t kidnapped or killed and buried in a ditch somewhere,” she says in an animated, high pitch voice.

“Amy, you know Zak, good grief, he’s Shane’s cousin!” I respond to her ridiculousness.

“Okay, so I just wanted to know what happened and I didn’t want to wait any longer. Happy now?”

“No, I’m awake and I want to go back to sleep. But I might be willing to get out of bed if you bring coffee and donuts,” I bargain, knowing she’ll take the bait because she is as much of a donut junkie as I am.

“Deal! Be there in twenty!” she sing-songs.

“You can’t make it in twenty minutes you dork, you have the kids!”

“You’re right, be there soon.”

A little while later, Amy shows up with the kids in tow along with the donuts and coffee. I turn on a movie for the kids, give them each a donut, and we take a seat with the box of delicious sweetness and our caffeine in a cup set out on the coffee table in front us. I divulged all about my date last night to her, filling her in on every single feeling that I felt, every question that I had, and then ending with shocking her into silence. When I told Amy that Zak and I were now officially dating, she just stared at me, mouth hanging open, eyes unmoving, looking like something straight out of a zombie movie. I snapped my fingers in her face to get her to come back to planet Earth.

              “I don’t know what to say, Anna. Are you sure about this?” she asks.

              “I am. I know it’s a huge step for me and sometimes I wonder if I’m making a mistake, that it’s too soon. But you were right. I can’t keep holding on to the past. Zak knows that I’m not ready to let Jacob go, he knows that I struggle with guilt almost daily, but he’s like this saint when it comes to taking what I can offer without complaint.”

              “I’m happy for you, Anna. If you need me for anything, you know I’m always here for you.”

We spend the rest of the morning and afternoon just hanging out, watching the kids play, talking about all the things women talk about and I felt more alive and in the present than I had in the last two years. That’s saying a lot for me and it’s a lot for me to admit to myself. Life is definitely not easy, if it were, then there would really be no point to strive for anything. Mine hasn’t been kind to me, but in the same token, I have had the love of my daughter, the love of Jacob, the love of Braxton, and who knows what will come of this with Zak. I know that I am going to make the most of it, fighting tooth and nail not to fall back into the grasp of guilt, or the pain of loss.

After Amy and Allie went home, Braxton and I went to the local burger joint for dinner. Since it was still daylight when we finished eating, we decided to venture to the park. I pushed Braxton in the swing until the sun started to set and disappear behind the tree line. By the time we made it home, Braxton was already asleep and since it was only about eight-thirty, this meant that I would have an early morning tomorrow. I put my little man to bed, covering him up and kissing his cheek, then wondered into my room. I grabbed my kindle and crawled under the covers on my bed.

My phone pinged at me with an incoming text message and I picked it up off of the nightstand. Zak’s name was lit on the screen so I swiped it to pull up the message.

             
Saturday?

              I smiled because I knew what he was asking and decided I would play along. Maybe try my hand at flirting a little. I use to be able to do that once upon a time.

             
What about it? I hear there is one per week around these parts. 

              Okay, so I’m not sure if that qualifies more as being sarcastic than it does as flirting but I want to make him ask.

             
You don’t say.
Was the response he sent back to me.

             
Absolutely! Happens every week right after Friday and before Sunday.

              It was quiet for a few minutes and just as I thought that Zak wouldn’t text back, my phone sounded with his reply.

             
Can I take you out, right after Friday
?

              I couldn’t help the giddy feeling or the smile that broke free, the kind that makes the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes deepen.

             
I’d like that.

              We made plans for Saturday and after saying goodnight, I put my phone on the bed beside me where I had set my kindle and snuggled down into my pillow. It didn’t take long for sleep to claim me, especially after being woke up so early this morning. The last thought I remembered having was that maybe the roller coaster I have been on is finally pulling into the station.

The rest of the week went smoothly and seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, it was Friday and I had a date with Zak the very next day. I was still giddy and got butterflies when I thought about it. I haven’t had any episodes of guilt trying to pull me into its hold this week and for that I am really excited. I have worked hard to keep the negative thoughts from invading my mind. It seems to help now that I have redirected my focus to paying more attention to the things going on around me, signs of life, love, happiness, I look for it everywhere I go. I’m pretty sure I’ll still have to face some times where I am drawn back, pulled toward the darkness, but for now, I am truly happy with the way things are going for me. I am just going to hope and pray they stay that way.

Today is the day, my second real date with Zak. I was woke up early this morning by Braxton, since he went to sleep a little early last night, just as I knew he would. I have my coffee in hand, Braxton fed and dressed for the day, and the morning is so far, very peaceful. Well, with the exception of the nerves that are tying themselves into knots in my gut, but I’ll take them.

Strolling into the kitchen to refill my now empty coffee mug, I grab my cell phone off of the kitchen table, make my coffee, and saunter back into the living room. I set my mug on the end table and plop myself into the recliner. I dial Amy’s number and wait for her to answer.

              “Good morning, chicka,” I say when she answers.

              “Good morning!” she chirps back.

I swear this girl is so happy go lucky in the mornings which is in stark contrast to me where I need a pot of coffee before I’m even able to carry on a rational conversation.

              “Can you keep Braxton tonight? Before you say anything, here’s what I’m offering, I’ll keep the kids next Saturday night so that you and Shane can go out,” I ask her.

              “Sure, sounds like a good deal. You planning on being out late,” she says, and there it is, the laugh in her voice even though she isn’t laughing out loud, at least to where I can hear her.

              “Very funny, Amy.”

              “You know I’m just teasing you.”

              “I know, and thanks for keeping Braxton. I’ll bring him by about four if that’s okay?”

              “Sure, I’ll see you then.”

I straighten up the house, and while Braxton takes a nap, I take a shower and get myself dressed for tonight. Since Zak will be here at six, and I am taking Braxton to Amy’s at four, it won’t hurt to go ahead and be ready a little early. I get Braxton an overnight bag packed, and he and I make our way out to the car. He asked where we were going while I was packing his bag and of course, when he found out he was going to spend the night at Allie’s house, he hasn’t stopped talking.

As usual, when we get to Amy’s house and I get Braxton unbuckled, he is out of the truck and running full speed ahead to the front door. He disappears inside before I can even get the bag out and the truck door closed. I head inside and see that he is already pulling toys out with Allie. Amy is in the living room with the kids as well, so I let her know that I’m going to take his bag to the guest bedroom.

I stay at Amy’s for about an hour and then drive home to wait for Zak to get there. I rechecked my hair and make-up, paced around the kitchen and living room, until finally, I heard him knock on the door. I stroll to the door and open it, smiling when I see Zak standing on the other side looking very handsome. In lieu of a hello, he gave me a hug, which I returned. I followed him to the truck, we get in, and then drive in the direction towards town.

The fair was in town and when we pulled into the parking lot I gave an incredulous look at Zak.

“We’re going to the fair?”

“I thought we’d have some fun. Shed our responsibilities for one night and act like kids,” he said
,
smiling at me. I returned his smile and he found a parking spot.

And act like kids is what we did.

We rode every single ride they had, save the Ferris wheel, some more than once. Zak flipped a penny landing it in a small shot glass winning me a huge teddy bear. We grabbed a hot dog from a vender and sat at a picnic table to eat, then went on more rides and played more games. I ended up with three stuffed animals that we took to the truck so I wouldn’t have to carry them around.

“Come on,” Zak said. He grabbed my hand, interlacing our fingers. I looked down to our joined hands and for the first time, there is no guilt. We walk to the Ferris wheel and climb aboard when it’s our turn. The town is gorgeous from the top of the ride, we are stopped as they load more passengers. The sun is just above the horizon and the sunset is absolutely breathtaking from this height. Just before the ride starts to move again, I turn to face Zak. His face is a mere breath away. I hold my breath as he moves ever so slowly bringing his lips to mine, not touching but hovering, as if asking for permission. I close my eyes and wait. It doesn’t take long for him to see my resignation and he touches his lips to mine in a soft caress.

When he pulls back, my eyes are still closed but I can feel his stare burning into me. Without opening my eyes, I speak.

“Zak, I,”

“Don’t say anything, Anna. I’m sorry,” he interrupts with is apology. But I don’t want an apology. There’s no denying the chemistry between us. There is no denying that he makes me feel again. I may not be ready for more than this, but for now, his kiss is perfect.

“No, Zak. Don’t say you’re sorry.” I open my eyes and look at him. “I know I’m not always easy to read and you know my struggles, the daily battles I face, but I’m ready for this, at least this much.”