Finding Strength (20 page)

“Hi, Jacob. I know it’s been a while since I have been here to see you. It’s still hard. Doing this without you is never what we had planned, but I guess life doesn’t always work out that way. I need to tell you something. I’m not sure if you can even hear me, but I have to tell you anyway. I met someone, Jacob. I think you would like him. I’m scared, terrified really, of letting you go. I’ve held on to you for so long, afraid of moving on in a world you no longer share with me.” I take a moment to collect my thoughts and then continue on.

“I realize now that’s not what you would want me to do, to continue to live in the past. So, I’m here, taking that first step at saying ‘see you later’. It’s never good-bye, Jacob. There’s no way for me to completely let you go. I love you too much. There is room, however, for me to let Zak in. To give him all of me that remains here on earth. He knows all about you. He knows that I still love you, that I always will, yet, he understands. He told me once that he isn’t trying to take your place; that he only wants to be able to take care of me and love me the way you would have done. I’m going to let him, Jacob. I love him. Maybe you sent him to me, or maybe you’re not happy about this. I just wish I knew if you approve of this, if you want me to move on.”

Hearing the call of a bird from above, I glance up at the sky. There against the clear blue background is a hawk with his wings spread wide, soaring above. His massive wings guiding the beautiful bird in the wind. The hawk circles me overhead as I sit at Jacob’s grave, no once but twice before breaking for the tree line, one final cry riding the wind. And then he’s gone. I sit in stunned silence, eyes fixed to the spot where the bird disappeared. A slow smile begins to break across my face. 

I turn back to Jacob’s headstone, running my fingers once again over the deep engraving of his name. “Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for showing me the way, for letting me know it’s okay. I know what I have to do now.” Pausing, I reach up, wiping the tears that have begun to fall and roll slowly down my cheeks, attempting to make their way to the ground.

“I love you, Jacob. I always will. It’s not good-bye, only see you later. For now, I’m letting you go until I see you again. Take care of Lindsey and always tell her I love her. Until then.”

I place a kiss onto my cold fingers before placing them over Jacob’s name. I do the same for Lindse
y
before whispering one last I love you. With my head held high, I walk with a new purpose toward a future that doesn’t look so dark anymore. It’s time to offer Braxton the best life possible, one where he has his mother truly living, truly happy, and no doubt, truly loving again.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Present Day

This week has been great, to say the least. I have felt better each day. It seems my strength is coming back, little by little. I have been able to do more, get out more, and for now, I can get up and down and walk without much assistance. Which, in itself is great and keeps the hovering duo, Zak and Amy, at a distance every time I move. My parents have gone back home. They left yesterday with promises of visiting soon. They had things they needed to take care of and so they had to get back. The days are quiet, which is great while I work diligently to finish the keepsake diary for Braxton. Zak continues to work during the day, while Braxton has returned to school.

“Hey lady!” Amy calls as she enters the house.

“Hey, in the kitchen,” I say through a smile. Amy saunters in and a takes a seat on a stool at the island.

“You feeling okay today?” she ask, over protective friend that she is, always worrying even if there is no reason.

“I am actually. You want some coffee?” I ask, taking a mug from the cabinet above the coffee maker.

“Sounds good. Are we working in here today?” she ask, noting the notebook and pen laying on the counter top.

“I thought maybe we could sit outside. It’s really nice today and I want to feel the sun on my skin.” I slide the cup over to her, which she takes and promptly brings the cup to her lips taking a sip of the delicious, brown, steaming liquid.

The sun is beaming, bright and warm heating my skin. I get so caught up in the small things that I took for granted. I bask in the warmth and close my eyes for a moment, only opening them when Amy’s voice breaks through my reverie.

“You ready to start?”

“Absolutely.”

February
1
st
,
2010

I didn’t go straight to find Zak when I left the cemetery, instead I went home to clean up first. Zak is at work anyways and I rather do this where we don’t have an audience. I called Amy and asked her to pick up Braxton today explaining that I had something important to take care of. She didn’t ask questions, but did make me promise that I was okay and that I would tell her later. I agreed to both.

I turned on the facet in the bathtub adding salts to the water, the lavender fragrance filling the room, the aroma relaxing and calming to my nerves. I know what I want, but am I too late? I push the thought from my mind, determined I will do whatever it takes to make this right. I slide beneath the warm water, lean back and close my eyes. I took my time soaking in the tub, only getting out when the water was chilled and my skin was wrinkled from being water logged. Grabbing the robe off of the hook, I slide it on. I search my closet for something to wear, finding my navy blue sweater and my black skirt that fits tight around my hips and flows out around my knees. Both had been buried in the back of my closet along with my clear pumps that reminded me of the ones Cinderella wore when she found her prince.

After getting dressed, I took extra time styling my hair and applying my make-up to perfection. Not too heavy, but not so light that you couldn’t tell I was wearing it. I was pleased with the results and for the first time since Jacob was murdered, I actually felt absolutely and positively, one hundred percent alive. I felt happy and my heart felt a lot lighter. The weight that I had been carrying around, holding on to so tight that it seemed to crush me, was lifted. I didn’t feel the dread or fear the darkness any longer. I felt as if I had found a new sense of freedom.

I waited until almost time for Zak to get home from work before leaving the house. I didn’t call him, but I did send him a text asking if he was going home or somewhere else after he got off work. That was a bit tricky since I didn’t want to give away the fact that I was coming over. I think I managed it okay without creating a whole lot of suspicion, at least, I hope I did. He probably thinks Amy is bringing Braxton by to see him.

I pulled my truck into Zak’s driveway just after h
e
did. He was just getting out of his truck when I put mine into park. I sat there for just a minute trying to tame the tenets of butterflies that have taken up residence in my chest and stomach. I take in Zak’s handsome features and how my body reacted to just the sight of him. Every part of me is awake and alive, tingling and itching to feel his lips on mine. The fear that he may not want me anymore makes its presence known, but I quickly dispel it. I won’t give up that easily. Of course, that’s easy to do while sitting in the safety and comfort behind the steering wheel.

Zak didn’t move from his position of standing beside his truck other than to close the driver’s door. His eyes showing a hint of excitement but asking silent questions across the distance between us as well. Since he asked me to marry him, I withdrew from him. Too afraid to face my heart, my feelings, and not yet wanting to let go of Jacob. I’m sure Zak is curious about my unannounced visit. We’ve not seen each other since then, just the few and far between text messages. Everything changed from our daily calls and visits that we had before. But tonight, tonight that all changes. I’m ready to offer him what he deserves from me, my heart.

I’m not as much nervous as I am afraid that I may have distanced myself too much, afraid that he may have changed his mind. I can no longer keep these fears held back and they push to the forefront of my mind. Grabbing the door handle, I pull back and the door pops open. I say a silent prayer and whisper into the quietness of the truck cab, “Here goes nothing.”

“Hey, Anna. You look beautiful,” he says, not taking his eyes off of me as I make my way to closer and stop just in front of him.

“Thank you.” I give him a real smile, no effort, no forcing it, just a true, honest, smile.

Zak leans down and I can sense his hesitation. I keep my smile in place and wait until he places a soft kiss to my cheek. I take the opportunity to breathe him in. The spicy scent of his cologne mixed with the smell of cedar wood, unique to Zak, calms the butterflies to light flutters.

“What brings you by? Is everything okay?” he asks. I can see the alarm as it flashes across his features. I feel a deep urge within me to reach out and pull him to me, erasing any fear he may have, but I stand planted to my spot.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, and I really need to talk to you. Can we go inside?” I ask.

“Umm, okay,” Zak says, his voice still unsure. No longer able to resist the urge to touch him, and wanting to set his mind at ease, at least a little, I take hold of his hand as we walk to the steps of his porch. He doesn’t pull away, rather he gives my hand a small squeeze. I take a breath, relieved by this gesture.

Once inside, Zak leads me into his living room. Turning to face me, he keeps hold of my hand, his eyes finding mine and captures me in their depths.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“That’d be great, thank you.”

Zak pulls his gaze from mine, releasing me from their power and I watch his graceful movements as h
e
walks into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later with two glasses of sweet tea.

“Please, make yourself at home,” he says as he takes a seat on the sofa and motions for me to do the same. I sit down and turn my body toward him. My throat has suddenly gone dry, so I take a sip of the tea before setting the glass on the coffee table in front of me.

There’s no better way to do this than to just dive in head first and hope that my words make sense when they come out. Like ripping a bandage off of a healed wound. I bring my eyes to his, willing the truth of my feelings to be seen thoroughly from the deepest part of my soul. I need him to know that what I am about to tell him, I mean with every single fiber of my being.

“Zak, I fought for so long against the feelings you brought to life in me. Things I had not felt in such a long time, suddenly awakened in your presence and I didn’t know what to do with them. My heart was Jacob’s. That’s how it was supposed to be. At least in my mind it was. I know now that life doesn’t always go as planned, and me more than anyone should have learned that from everything I have already been through.”

Zak’s eyes never leave mine. He reaches over and takes my hand in his, the feeling of his calloused skin scraping against my palm sends an all-encompassing feeling of comfort and calm over me. He interlaces our fingers and I tighten my grip, afrai
d
that if I let go, I’ll lose the feeling that is coursing through my vein
s
.

“I’ve spent the last month sorting through every feeling, every heart ache, every minute of my life, trying to put the pieces in place. But the truth is, I can’t do that alone. I don’t want to do it alone. Jacob owned my heart, and when he was murdered, I thought that he took it with him. But the truth is, he left it here with me,” I pause and look down at our joined hands. Looking back to Zak’s green eyes there is an intensity in them that I haven’t seen before. I feel it to my soul, and in that moment, every darkened place in my heart is filled with light and love so deep it burrows into the very core of who I am.

The air seems to zap and pop with the electricity that is the chemistry of Zak and me. I hold my breath, waiting for him to say something, anything. Maybe I need to make my intentions clear. With every thought running at the speed of light in my mind, I very well could have just sounded like an idiot and left him confused. God knows I do that to myself sometimes.

“What I’m trying to say is, I love you, Zak. I’m letting Jacob go, I have let him go, because I know that he left my heart with me to give to you. I’m doing that now, if you’ll have it.”

Zak pulls me into his embrace and although he hasn’t accepted my offer, I sink into his warmth and contentment of his arms. It seems like several minutes before he speaks. His breath fans across my neck as he whispers, “Marry me” into my ear. I feel the tears pool in my eyes and the wetness from their fall on my face as I look back to give him my answer. Without hesitation, without fear, and without holding anything back I answer.

“Yes, I’ll marry you.”