Finding Strength (24 page)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Returning home from Vegas, I told Zak that I wanted the rest of my ‘to-do’ list to be things that Braxton can do with us. We made plans to go camping, visit the Zoo in Atlanta, take a trip to the beach, and finally, going on a cruise. As much as I enjoyed my time in Vegas and having Zak all to myself, I missed my boy more than anything. I want to make sure that I spend as much time with him as I can. One never knows what the future holds for them, but when an illness such as mine comes into play, you don’t waste a minute of the valuable time you may have left.

In the late spring of 2013, after the cold days turned into comfortably warm days and nights, we knocked off another item from my list. A week in the woods. Our camping trip also included Shane, Amy, Allie, and Shane’s brother, Kolby. We spent a week in the North Georgia Mountains in a cabin snuggled deep in the woods. The guys decided to take the kids fishing at the lake located at the base of the mountain while Amy and I unpacked and began preparing everything for a shrimp gumbo dinner. I’ve never made it before, but Amy is an expert on the subject.

The guys returned just as Amy was putting the finishing touches on her food masterpiece. Braxton came running, full steam ahead, talking so fast I had to make him stop, take a breath, and try again so that I could understand him.

“I caught a fish this big!” he exclaimed, holding his arms out as wide as they would stretch.

“That’s great! Where is it?” I asked, my smile matching his even though I know he has just been taught how to tell a fish tale.

“We let him go so he could get even bigger.”

“That was a good idea. He needs to grow so you can try to catch him again later, now go wash up so we can eat.”

Throughout dinner, Braxton continued to talk about his monster fish, which I later found out from Zak was really only about a pound. There was no way I was going to bust my little boy’s bubble of happiness so we kept up the pretense of ‘Bigalo’, the name Braxton gave the fish. Allie also caught a fish but hers was nowhere near the size of Braxton’s according to her. We moved from the picnic table, after everyone finished eating, over to the fire pit. Once the fire was blazing, casting a blanket of warmth in the already warm night air, marshmallows were passed around. The easy banter and the enjoyment of watching the kids gets tickled when the marshmallow would fall off the stick into the flames, sent a surge of peace and happiness coursing through me.

The rest of the week flew by in a blur of activities. From paddle boat rides, to shopping at the local flea market and visiting the farm animals at a barnyard, hikes in the woods that lead to a beautiful crisp waterfall, to fishing and swimming at the man-made beach on the lake. I was so grateful that even though I had to stop a few times to rest, for the most part I was feeling pretty good. I even thought to myself that I could possibly beat this. For the first time, I had real hope. Hope for a future that I wanted so desperately.

School had ended for the year and so we made the trip to Atlanta once again. This time, a visit to the zoo was on the agenda. I for one, had never been and of course Braxton had never been either. We got our fill of bears, lions, monkeys, birds, and turtles. Braxton loved seeing the gorilla and giraffes. With him being short, he had to look way up to see the giraffes head. I thought he was going to fall over a few times in the process.

We slowly wound our way throughout the first half of the zoo, stopping to eat a brown bag lunch we had packed in a cooler. As we were eating, Braxton spotted the train that takes you around the zoo.

“Train!!” he yells, bouncing in his seat. “I wanna ride it!”

“You have to finish eating first, then we can go on the train,” Zak tells him.

Braxton shoved his food in his mouth so fast that his cheeks poked out on both sides. He looked like a chipmunk saving up nuts for the winter.

“Slow down, son. The train will still be there when you’re done eating,” I tell him.

The train ride was fun and you could see more of the animals this way. I started getting tired after lunch and so this saved me from having to walk the rest of the zoo. At one point, the train went into a tunnel and Braxton tensed beside me. I assured him everything was fine but even that didn’t help him. Only when he saw the light in front of us from the opening at the other end, did he relax.

We exited the train when it pulled into the station and stopped. Across the way, a carousel stood bold and proud, and apparently calling Braxton’s name. We maneuvered through the crowd to the line for the ride. After waiting for twenty minutes or so, it was our turn. Zak helped Braxton up onto a horse that was brown with white spots. Zak and I took the little carriage right next to the horse. Braxton bobbed up and down as the ride went around in circles. He laughed and yelled out ‘ride ‘em cowboy’, pretending to raise a cowboy hat in the air. I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard at him that I had to pass the camera off to Zak for him to capture the moment.

Braxton fell asleep on the way home from the zoo. Zak carried him in the house and laid him down on the couch pulling the throw blanket from the back and draping it across him. I plopped into the closest recliner, exhausted from the day. Zak ordered some pizza and wings and made a pot of coffee while we waited for the food to be delivered. There was a dull pain in my chest and I knew I had overdone it today. I didn’t mention it. I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary worry when I was as sure as the rain that I was fine.

Later that night while lying in bed, the soft snores from Zak the only noise in the otherwise quiet room, the dull pain transformed into a sharper pain. I closed my eyes, saying a prayer that hopefully by morning, the pain would be gone. But when dawn’s light came, the only thing that had changed was that I could only feel the dull pain instead of the sharp pain. I decided I needed to take it easy for a few days, still keeping this bit of info to myself. I think I was more protecting Zak and Braxton, than I was myself, because deep in the pit of my stomach, there was an uneasiness warning me of what was to come.

The pain lingered on for a few weeks and I finally broke down and told Zak when he had come home early one day to find me bent over the kitchen chair, trying to catch my breath. He made an appointment for me to go see Dr. Lexington and sure enough, there was a small amount of fluid built up around my heart and lungs both. She scheduled a procedure for the following week, since it was Friday, to pull the fluid off. She also scheduled another CT scan to check if there have been any recent changes to either organ. I was sent home with strict orders to rest, this time, I made no argument and agreed to follow them.

Monday morning, bright and early, I lay back on the table as the technician instructs me to stay as still as I can. The machine starts up making a humming noise, I close my eyes for the fifteen minute test, keeping my breathing even, and letting past memories play out behind my eyes. Before I know it, the test is done and I am sent back to the waiting room where I’ll stay until Dr. Lexington has the results in hand and is ready to draw the fluid off of my chest.

I don’t like this part, but who in their right mind ever says oh hey, I think I would love to have a needled stuck in my chest today! No one I ever knew, but it’s a necessity and a reality that I have to live with. Better this than dead, though, so I’ll take the needle. I’m numbed up and so all I feel is pressure as the clear liquid hampering my breathing is drawn off in two syringes full. When that part is over, Zak is allowed back into the room and I stay where I am on the bed and rest for the next few hours until I’m cleared to go home.

Dr. Lexington walks through the door and I sit up, ready to get out of this place.

“Anna, we are going to increase your Lasix again. Your scans show more damage to your heart, yet again, and that concerns me. At this point, there is nothing else I can give you to stop it. I want to see you every month so that we can closely monitor how quickly the damage is progressing. Also, continue with resting. If it’s something you don’t have to do, please don’t do it.”

“But, we have two trips planned for next year. One to the beach and we were going to take Braxton on a surprise cruise. Can we still do those?” I ask, my voice reflecting the obvious sadness I feel. I cast a glance of desperation to her, then set my sights on Zak.

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t overdo it, Doctor,” Zak says, assuring her that he will see to it.

“I would prefer you didn’t, but I’m not going to stop you, Anna. It is really going to depend on what the scans tell us from here on out. If you do go, then Zak, make sure that she rest as much as possible and if you have any problems, you get her to the hospital immediately.” She hands Zak her card and he takes it from her outstretched hand. “If that happens, you have them call me, or you call me yourself.”

We thanked her and left the office, the ominous black cloud that seemingly follows me, never looming far behind, has reappeared. With it, comes the barrage of emotions that hold me captive. Try as I may to break free from the raging storm, it feels almost impossible to do so. Warmth spreads from my palm to my arm, as a comforting feeling radiates through my chest. I look down, noticing Zak’s hand in mine, pulling me back to reality and into the safety he provides. It’s the type of comfort that only he can give. As if I have just ran full force into a brick wall, it dawns on me that I do not want to spend my time feeling this way. His touch, his strength, his love, gives me the courage and vigor to push through the emotions the darkness has cast over me. I know then, no matter what the outcome is, no matter if my time is long or short, I will do what I can to stay positive, focused, and ready to fight until my last breath.

Chapter Forty

The spring of 2014 made its appearance as the cold changed to warmth. The sun was brighter, the trees green with new leaves, and the flowers were in full bloom with pinks, yellows, reds, and some other varying shades of colors. It was absolutely beautiful. I had done as I was told and took it easy. There was no way I wanted to miss these trips so I rested a lot. Zak did a lot of the housework, and for that I felt terrible. He worked all day, then came home and had to do most of the cooking and cleaning, he didn’t sign up for that but when I voiced that opinion to him, let’s just say I won’t be repeating that anytime soon. I think he was more hurt than anything that I would even think it was a problem for him. Seeing him react so strongly only made me love him that much more.

The truck was pack to the brim with beach towels, suitcases, pillows, and Braxton’s tablet for the car ride to the beach along Florida’s coast. We waited until after all the big spring break rush was over, which meant Braxton is missing a week of school. His principal was very understanding to our reasons and assured us that they will make sure Braxton has time to make up his work and won’t fall behind. That set my mind at ease about him missing these five days.

We rolled into the beachfront hotel at dusk. The sun was setting over the open water, golden light dancing over the waves, while gold, purple, and a deep shade of red filled the sky, which made a picture perfect sunset. Braxton, who had dosed off during the ride, was now wide awake and itching to get out of the truck and down to the beach. When I told him we needed to check in and get our things to the room first, he crossed his arms and stuck out his bottom lip. That didn’t last long as I reached around and poked his tummy, causing him to giggle.

Zak checked us in and I waited on one of the cozy brown suede couches in the lobby while he and Braxton unloaded the truck. I followed them up to the room and once everything was taken off of the luggage cart, we took the elevator back down to the lobby. Braxton was too hyper and excited to eat dinner so we walked out to the beach. It was almost dark out now and the ocean was harder to see. The sounds of the waves were melodic and tranquil. With a promise to return to the beach after breakfast, we made our way to the dining room in the hotel for dinner.

I was tired from the long drive and ready for bed soon after we ate. Zak let Braxton pick a movie to rent from the pay per view list while I curled up on one of the beds in the room. It didn’t take long before sleep claimed me. I awoke some time later, feeling Zak slide into bed beside me. His arm came across my stomach, pulling me into him. I snuggled against him as he brought his lips to my temple.

“I love you, Anna. God please don’t take her away from me.”

My chest burned, my eyes misted, the moisture pooling and sliding down my cheek. I sucked in a slow breath, not wanting to let Zak know that I had heard him plead for my life to God above. I closed my eyes taking slow, deliberate breaths until the tears finally faded away. 

We spent a lot of time on the beach. Zak and Braxton played and splashed in the water. I strayed into the water a few times but mostly I watched from the beach chair set up under a blue umbrella. I never let on that I knew Zak’s plea but it was never far from my mind. This once, I wish there was an easy answer, a clear path of sorts, to what the future will hold. But it’s never that cut and dry and sometimes, it’s not the answer we are looking for at all.

By the fall of 2014, my heart had weakened some. Dr. Lexington had told us that although it’s at a relatively slow pace for now, to be aware of the signs that my condition is worsening. She gave us some hope though, to go along with the bad news. She feels that as of right now, I will be able to live a long time with my condition as long as nothing changes. I made a mental note to be sure to take things easy to ensure that’s the end result.

Zak, Braxton, and I, boarded a plane bound for Orlando. From there, we were to get on a cruise ship headed to the Bahamas. I remembered to bring along the motion sickness medicine after my first fiasco on a ship. Braxton still had no idea about the cruise until the taxi we got at the airport pulled into port. His eyes went wide and round and his mouth hung open as he took in all of the ships that were docked. He didn’t close his mouth, or say a word as he followed us aimlessly to the huge cruise ship we were about to embark on. He stared in awe as we waited in line to board. Finally, his excitement broke through. His mouth closed, his eyes lit up, and he wouldn’t stop jumping up and down. I had to hold on to his arm and drag him up the ramp onto the deck since his feet and legs only knew one movement at the moment.

Our sleeping quarters were immaculate and very spacious. The bed was king size and so soft that you sank into it when you sat down. There was a hide a bed that folded up into the wall, which is where Braxton will sleep. The sitting room featured floor to ceiling windows, a big screen TV, a love seat, and a table with chairs. Even I was impressed with the room so I can just imagine how overwhelming all of this is for Braxton. We decided to take a tour of the ship and spent the rest of the day picking out activities for the week ahead.

The first day, we decided the arcade room is where we would hang out. The room was filled with all kinds of games to play. I think my favorite was watching Zak and Braxton play air hockey. After lunch, we went swimming in upper deck pool before making our way back into the game room until dinner time. Again, Zak lost to Braxton and vowed to never play him again. I couldn’t stifle my laughter and Braxton was fist pumping the air in victory.

The dining room was very elegant. Crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling over each table. The tablecloths were a rich cream color linen with intricate designs embroidered throughout. The plates were all made of fine china, the glasses were a thick crystal, and the silverware was made of silver. I was almost scared to sit at the table, afraid I would break something. I’d probably tuck in the tablecloth instead of the napkin pulling everything to the floor in a broken heap just like you see in the cartoons we watched as kids. The chairs themselves looked as if they belonged in a castle. The whole setting looked like it was straight out of a fairy tale.

The week flew by as if the hands of time were on fast forward. We had an amazing time doing things like visiting the water park on the very top deck of the ship, karaoke, enjoying a few of the shows, arts and crafts, and just spending time as a family by one of the many pools available to us. The water park was by far the coolest thing aboard the ship. There were tunnels and slides in a mass maze suspended above our heads. The water games included one that had you shooting a stream of water at objects coming towards you, pushing them back before they could reach you. If you missed, you’d be knocked into the pool directly behind you. Needless to say, Braxton went in a few times, but he always came up smiling vowing to get it next time.

The day we spent docked in the Bahamas, we ventured off to the little shops not too far from port. There were lots of memories made and pictures taken, and a nice couple offered to take one of us so that we could all be in the photo. But as all vacations go, by the time the week was up, I was ready to be home. I could feel the fatigue coming back, the dull pain that plagued me before returned, and so I knew I needed to tell Zak and soon.

Chapter Forty-One

The news came just after the New Year as my condition worsened in what felt like, overnight. I had contracted a cold that quickly went into the flu, and from there turned into double pneumonia. The infection, because of my SLE, went to my heart and lungs. The antibiotics I was given didn’t work and had to be changed three times before they found one that could combat the infection. The fluid around my heart was more than I had ever had before. My breathing was labored and I struggled to get enough air in my lungs. Not only did my heart have fluid around it, but my lungs did as well. I was officially in the latter stages of congestive heart failure. Now it was a waiting game and literally, a fight to the death. Who would win, I wasn’t sure, but I knew that I would fight this with all of my might.

I spent just over a week in the hospital being pumped full of medicine and having the fluid drained off of my failing organs. I was released, again with strict orders for bed rest that I would follow to the T. Zak worked his normal shift, while Amy stayed with me until he got home from work every day. Braxton would come sit with me for a few minutes at a time, but it was too much for him to bear. It broke my heart that there was nothing I could do to comfort him. It was all I could do just to breathe most days.

As time went on, my condition seemed to stabilize. I still had to take it very easy, but I wasn’t confined to the bed anymore. Which brings us to the present. My story rest between the bindings of the notebook. All except for the ending. I’m still living that part. They always say it gets better before it gets worse. I know deep in my heart that my time is coming to an end. I have fought the good fight, I have given it my all, but I’m running out of strength to continue this battle.

“You know you have to finish this and give it to Braxton when the time comes.” I look to my lifelong friend meeting her eyes. She begins to shake her head no and she knows that I feel it, she can feel it, too. “Promise me, Amy. Promise me that you’ll write the ending to my story.”

              I promise,” she says, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

I look away, holding back my own, knowing that if I continue to look at her, I’ll break. Amy doesn’t say anything more. She puts the notebook in her bag and stands. As she starts to walk to the door, she turns to me.

“You are not giving up, Anna! You’re not a quitter and I won’t let you become one now.”

I hear the door close quietly behind her, leaning my head on the back of the couch behind me, I close my eyes and pray that she is right.

Something deep inside of you, call it intuition or premonition if you will, knows before you can even comprehend its meaning. It warns you to prepare, it tries to protect you from the inevitable. My intuition was right. A week after finishing my diary for Braxton with Amy, the pain returned. It didn’t start as a dull pain as it has in the past. Sharp, excruciating, stabbing pain, brought me to my knees on the kitchen floor. I tried to yell for Zak, but I couldn’t get enough air in to make my voice work. I clutched my chest, trying to rub the pain away, or to pull it out of me completely. Anything to make it stop.

By the time Zak walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, I was gasping for air. I couldn’t stand on my own. Zak scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the couch, laying me down gently. He reached for his cell phone, dialing what I assumed was 9-1-1. Braxton came bounding down the stairs, stopping dead in his tracks as he took in the scene playing out before him. Tears immediately fell from his eyes as stood frozen in place. My heart was hurting double, one from the pain my congestive heart failure caused, and the other from the look on my son’s face as he watched his mother fight for her life in front of him.

My eyes opened to a softly lit room. I could hear the familiar beeping beside me and I immediately knew I was back in the hospital. I scan the room stopping when my eyes land on Zak, asleep on the fold out chair beside the bed. He looks uncomfortable but peaceful. I watched him as he slept. As if he knew I was awake and staring at him, he opened his eyes meeting mine.

              “Hey,” he said in his sleep filled voice.

              “Hey.”

              “How are you feeling?” he asked, sitting up in the chair and stretching his arms high above his head.

              “Tired. I hurt.”

              Zak stands, walks over to the bed and kisses my lips. “Rest, I’ll let the nurse know you’re awake and I’ll see about some pain medicine for you. I love you, Anna.”

              “Love you.”

Breathing is still something of a chore. It feels like I have a ten ton cement block sitting on my chest, pressing my insides, almost a crushing pressure. I can no longer take in deep breaths, only short gasps bringing in minimal amounts of air into my lungs. For the most part, I sleep, under the sedation of the pain medication. Every time I awaken, there is someone sitting vigil by my bed. This time, it’s Amy. Her expression says it all. I hurt for her, she hurts for me. She’s been there since the very beginning and I could never express how much she has meant to me.

“Are you still writing?” I ask, between the small intakes of air.

“I don’t want to talk about this now, Anna. We’ll talk when you get home and you can help me write the ending.” Her eyes bore into mine, willing me to give her the answer she needs.

“We need to talk about it now, Amy.” She doesn’t answer and breaks eye contact looking up at the ceiling. “There’s no more time.”

“Don’t you say that! You don’t know that for sure, Anna. I can’t do this.” She buries her head in her hands, her sniffles sounding over the beeping of the machines.

“It’s okay, Amy. I’m not afraid.”

“I am,” she says, her voice suppressed and muted by her tears and her hands.

Amy left when Zak returned to the room. He looks at me and gives me a question look. Silently asking if everything is okay.

“It’s fine,” I tell him.

“She doesn’t look fine.”