Finding YOU Finding ME (You & Me Trilogy Book 2) (9 page)

            He
stopped mid-sentence when the truth dawned on him. “But you are…that’s why
you’ve missed so many days here since he’s gotten back.” His face went from
elation to crestfallen. He bunched his fists and looked like he wanted to punch
the wall. “Why him?” he asked. “I’ve been here all this time with you…why him?
I know he’s got something kinky going on with him. One of the models whom he
went to a charity ball with came out and said Collins McGregor was into rough
play, and other things. I can’t see you getting yourself into that, Sam. Not
especially since you recoil from any intimate touch. Please don’t tell me
you’re with Collins like that. You’ll only end up hurt and worse off than
before. Collins’ not good for you, and…”

            Derek
stopped pacing and talking, his body still tense with anger and hurt from my
rejection. He looked over to a spot behind me, and I turned around.

            Gail
was walking towards us looking very serious. “Hi Derek,” she said without a
smile. “Aren’t you supposed to be training one of the new counselors?”

            “Not
today,” Derek said. “Thomas called in sick.”

            “Oh,
well…I need to talk to Sam right now. Maybe you can take over her shift for
her. It may be for a while.”

            Derek
nodded. “Sure.”

            “Sam…come
with me,” Gail led me to her office, and shut the door.

            I
sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk, a plain office chair that
you see everywhere…a far cry from the luxurious office Collins set her up in
when he visits her for his sessions. “What is it?” I asked, worried by the look
on her face.

            “I
just got off the phone with Collins,” Gail began, “who seemed very upset. He
didn’t sound like himself. He sounded like his alter ego, the voice he uses
when he’s regressed, the younger Collins, a part of Collins when he was
younger, more vulnerable.”

            “Daggers,”
I said.

            Gail
did a double take. “Daggers? That’s the name he used when he talked to you here,
right?”

            “Yes,
it is. I couldn’t tell it was Collins at all because Daggers seemed so
vulnerable, so different from Collins, who’s you know…very confident. Daggers
is his alter ego?”

            “When
he regresses and retreats into one of the more traumatic times in his life,
he’s Daggers. Daggers is Collins’ fourteen year old self when he began being
sexually abused. Practically sold into prostitution by his mother, and became a
kind a sex slave to some powerful woman he still has nightmares about. Collins
never got to the point during our sessions to actually name the woman.”

            My
heart broke just hearing about Collins’ childhood. “How could his mother be so
cruel?”

“Drugs,”
Gail said. “She was high on it, and prostituted her son to feed her habit.”

“Collins
said his mother died when he was really young, but you mentioned how she sold
him for drugs? Then he was only a child?”

“She
overdosed when he was fifteen, but that one year of prostituting him like that,
scarred him for life. Before then, she abused him, beat him, and took out all
her frustrations on him. Poor Collins,” Gail shook her head. “In his mind, he’s
blocked out all those years, and believed she died when he was very young.”

“He
must harbor so many feelings for her, I can imagine,” I said. My poor poor
sweet Collins. I could imagine how this beautiful blonde angelic little boy had
to grow up watching his mother get wasted, beat him, and then having too
support her and him by prostituting himself as a young teen. He associated love
with being beaten, and then being prostituted out. No wonder why he sought out
love in any way he could find it, even if it was from lovers who wanted to beat
him or get beaten by him. I shuddered, thinking about the Production Room.

As
though Gail knew where my thoughts were, she asked. “Did you two finally…?”

I
blushed. It was almost like my mother asking that question, but with my mother,
with all her flaws, it was easier to say the truth. “He brought me to the point
of release twice,” I said.

“You
have improved,” Gail said, looking impressed. “You should be proud with how
you’re able to get so far with being intimate with someone when before, it
brought nothing by terrorizing fear.”

I
had to smile about that. “That’s because Collins is very very good in bed,” I
said. “When I’m with him, it’s like nothing else matters. We’re in a world all
by ourselves. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt this way about
anyone.” I bit my lips, not wanting to get emotional in Gail’s office. “I
wished I trusted him earlier so we could have gotten past all of this faster,
but I can’t worry about that now. How’s Collins? Why did he call you?” I asked.

“Like
I said, he’s terrified you’re going to leave him. He’s so worried you’ll be so
scared of him to the point of leaving him forever.”

I
threw down my arms in frustration. “I would never do that because…”

“You
need to talk to him,” Gail said. “But first, I’m headed out to see him. He
wanted to meet me for an emergency session at my Newport Beach office alone.
Just him, which I think is a good idea since having you there when he’s
vulnerable like that will only make him retreat further. But afterwards when I
can get him out of his Daggers stage, you should talk to him and reassure him
of your love and acceptance. That’s what he’s craving, Sam. Love and acceptance
from the woman he loves.” Gail took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’ve
been his therapist for a few years, ever since he found me when I had my
practice. He was already pretty successful, and I knew who he was. But he’s had
such a tough childhood and life up to now. All the women he’s ever known and
loved in his life have failed him, Sam. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I’m
setting aside my professional hat and wearing my personal one…could you give
him a chance? Not only does he have an intense connection to you, but an
emotional one. Somehow something about you make him want to reach out to you,
to become a better man.”

“I’ll
try,” I said. “I can’t give up on Collins. I admit to being scared of going
into that dark corner with him, Gail…I mean I don’t know anything about sex or
the kind of stuff he’s into…but I love him and I…”

Gail
got up, came around her desk, and put her two hands on my shoulders. “I know,
and that’s why I believe you can pull him out of it. I’ve never met a young
woman with inner strength and resilience like you. You fall down, but you get
back up. You didn’t choose the easy road, going to Stanford and moving away, for
a reason. You chose to stay. There’s something there to be said.” She gave me a
knowing smile.

Coming
from Gail, who have seen so much, met so many people, and what I aspired to be
as a counselor one day, that meant a lot. I was speechless. I could only nod.

Gail
gathered her purse and coat, heading out the door before I can catch up. “I
should probably be with him for an hour to two. Afterwards, I think you should
go home and talk to him, and take good care of him.”

            “I
will,” I said, following her down the hall.

            When
she was out of the building, I walked back to my desk. Derek wasn’t there, but
the green light signaling a caller was on the line was blinking. I sat down and
placed my headphones on before pressing the button to “talk”.

            “Hi,
this is Sawyer House. I’m Susan. What do you want to talk about today?”

            “Uh,
Hi Susan,” came a young man’s voice. “I’m Joe. I’m calling because I want to
know what I should do.”

            “About
what?” I asked.

            “I
know about something some guys at a frat party did to a girl in one of my
dorms.”

            “What
happened?” I asked. “Maybe if you tell me what happened, I can help you make a
decision better.”

            “Well,
there was this frat party, and almost everyone was drunk. Ella, the girl in my
dorms, was so drunk she was passed out on the couch. One boy began fondling
her, and she didn’t wake up. Another undressed her, and then it got so bad…”
Joe stopped talking.

            “Are
you still there?” I asked.

            “I’m
here,” she said. “It got so bad, they were raping her.”

            “Did
anyone try to stop them?” I asked.

            “Most
of the girls at the party were so disgusted they left the room, and the guys
were egging each other on to see who could rape her next.”

            “You
were there to see all that?”

            “I’m
in the same fraternity, I couldn’t leave or I’d be kicked out.”

            “You
know it’s wrong, Joe. What they did is not only wrong, but illegal, and a
crime.”

            “I
know, but if I tell, the guys will find out, and they would kick me out or
worst, set me up so that my future’s ruined.”

            “Do
you have proof of what happened?” I asked.

            “No,
I don’t,” said Joe. “That’s why I haven’t reported it yet. The girl, Ella,
probably doesn’t even know it since she was knocked out. If I bring it out into
the open, she’ll find out, and really be embarrassed, if not, horrified with
what happened to her.”

            I
sighed, getting exasperated. This was a tough one, and I wanted to tell him to
risk reporting it, but without evidence, it could make the victim look even
worse. Like she was a slut, instead of the victim.

            “Joe,
are you friends with Ella?”

            “I
talk to her sometimes since she’s in the same dorm.”

            “You
should talk to her and let her know,” I said. “She has a right to know what
happened to her, especially when she was knocked out drunk and didn’t know.
That’s the first step. I know that’s going to be tough, but you have to in
order for her to deal with it and not find out later.”

            “If
you were in that situation, is that what you’d do,” Joe asked.

            I
felt uncomfortable then, remembering back to the Billy Incident when I was
thirteen.

            “I
was in that kind of situation,” I said. “Only it was one guy, who had bullied
me relentlessly until I agreed to let him touch me.” 

            “Sorry
to hear that, Susan,” Joe said.

            “Trust
me, Joe,” I said. “If that happened to me, I’d want to know it.”

            “Then
I’ll do it,” Joe said. “My conscience will bug me until I do.”

            “Good
luck with it,” I said, before switching off the “talk” button.

            The
green light shot back on again, and I answered, thinking it was my last caller.
“Forget something?” I asked, switching back into my Susan mode.

            “Um,
is this Sawyer House?” a new male voice asked. There was something familiar
with it.

            “Yes,
it is,” I said. “This is Susan. How may I help you?”

            “Susan,
eh?” the young man said. “So this is Susan. Slutty Susan. Been sleeping around
a lot lately, Slut?”

            “How
dare you!” I said, anger flaring out of me. “I’m hanging up on you so don’t
plan on ever calling back.” I lifted my finger to turn off the “talk” button,
but stopped with the next thing the caller said.

            “How
does it feel to be fucked by that billionaire playboy Collins McGregor? Bet you
loved it, bet you love being slapped and spanked…”

            I
almost choked. Who was this?

            “Think
you’re all grown up now, Susan? Think just because some rich pretty boy wants
to fuck you, you’re some clean piece of ass now?”

            “Stop,”
I said. “Whoever you are…you’re not scaring me.”

            “But
I am,” the caller went on. “I’m scaring you shitless.”

            “You
don’t even know me,” I said.

            “Oh,
you know me, and I know you very well…inch by inch. Undressed you once, and you
loved it.”

            “Who
are you?” I repeated again, trying not to let him get to me.

            “You
and your daddy were such pillars of society. My folks listened to him every
week, how he counseled them on their marriage, how to raise me so I’m not the white
trash drug-popping addicts they were. It didn’t work so I couldn’t wait to see
how broken your family can get. First I ruin your Pastor’s kid princess image.
Dirty up your prettiness. Then I ruin him. Your high and mighty father. Make
him regret ever thinking I’m just poor white trash, not good enough for his
daughter.”

            My
mouth dropped open. “Billy?”

            There
was an ugly chuckle at the end of the phone. “Thought I couldn’t find you,
after all these years. I’m a man now, a much bigger guy than I used to be. Your
daddy can’t push me around now, can’t send me to juvenile detention, like he
did.”

            “I
didn’t know…” I said, I couldn’t have known. My mind shut down the entire Billy
Incident a while back. It was as though it existed only to be my nightmares.

            “Ruined
my parents when I went; their marriage fell apart. I got sent to juvenile
detention only to be shipped off to somewhere far away. Another state. I blame
you and your father.”

            “You
leave him alone,” I said, trying to sound brave.

            “I
know where he is at his new church. I know where your sister is. I know all
about you, been watching you, Samantha, for a while now. Maybe your rich
boyfriend will try to protect you. Maybe not. I’d like to see him try, though.
I’d like to see what kind of guy you’d finally be willing to give it up to
really looked like.”

            My
heart sank, and my mouth filled with bile, making me want to gag, remembering
the filthy details of when Billy tried to force me to have sex with him, tried
to make me go down on him. If not, he’ll beat the crap out of me. I shudder in
terrified horror as the memory became clearer. I was suddenly out-of-breath, my
palms sweaty and hands shaking so much, I dropped the phone.