First and Again (14 page)

“I can help you out until the end of June when school ends. After that, I don’t know. I’m not sure where Rebecca and I will be.”

He stared into her eyes for a moment and then gave her a brisk nod.

“I guess we’ll have to take what you can give us. Let us know if your plans change.”

He rose from his chair and moved to the kitchen door, his coffee unfinished. “I need to check on the horses.”

With one last glance at her he left the house. She tried to analyze what she saw in his face—disappointment? Resignation? Anger?

All of the above and all of them directed at her. Whatever he wanted from her, she couldn’t give it to him.

She left a short time later when Jane and the girls returned from their ride. Leslie begged Rebecca to stay for a sleepover, and they both seemed so happy about the idea that she didn’t have the heart to say no. Since Jack hadn’t returned to the house, she asked Gladys to tell him she’d pick Rebecca up the next day after lunch.

Her thoughts were confused and hectic as she drove back to town. Did she risk alienating Rebecca again by insisting they stay permanently in Paradise? Should she agree to work for Jack? Would this thing between them grow into something more or would they always remain just old flames?

She had no answers to any of her questions when she pulled into the parking lot of the motel.

* * *

The phone rang at eight o’clock the next morning, waking Bridget from the first sound sleep she’d had all night. After her encounter with Jack the previous afternoon, she’d lain awake for hours wondering what to do. She stumbled out to the living room to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Bridget. Don’t you sound bright and cheery this morning? Rough night?”

She came fully awake in an instant. Neither she nor Rebecca had heard from Ben since they’d arrived in Paradise. So why was he phoning now?

“Lovely to talk to you too, Ben. What can I do for you?” Her heart hammered with trepidation.

“I’m phoning to talk to my daughter, of course,” he said, as if his phone calls were a daily occurrence instead of a highly unlikely event. “Since you took her so far away, this is my only method of communication with her.”

She knew he was goading her into an argument, but she couldn’t resist a shot of her own. “Maybe if you’d been a little more forthcoming with child support payments we wouldn’t have had to move so far away.”

“And maybe if you hadn’t screwed up we’d still have a business.”

She sucked in her breath as if she’d been punched in the gut. Ben had always had a knack for landing his barbs where they’d hurt the most. Apparently he hadn’t lost his touch.

“Is Rebecca there or not?”

She took a deep breath. “No. She’s at a sleepover.”

“Damn. I wanted to talk to her.”

She wanted to ask the reason for the sudden urgency when he hadn’t called in weeks, but she knew they’d only get into an argument. He’d always been better at arguing than she was. She had the scars to prove it.

“She’ll be home right after lunch if you want to call her then.”

“I have a business meeting after lunch. I won’t be able to call. Can’t you go get her now?”

She grit her teeth. The nerve of the man to demand to talk to Rebecca immediately when he hadn’t bothered to phone her in weeks. “She’s already made arrangements to have lunch with her friend. If you’re busy this afternoon you can call her this evening.”

“It’s not convenient for me to call her this evening.”

“Well, it’s not convenient for me to get her right now.”

Ben gave a derisive laugh. “Please, Bridget. It’s not like you could possibly have anything important to do in Podunk, North Dakota. You’re working in your mother’s
bar
, for God’s sake.”

She shook with anger, all reason flying out the window. “Perhaps there’s another reason your phone call is inconvenient for me right now. How do you know I don’t have someone in my bed waiting for me? How do you know I’m not having the best sex of my life?”

He laughed once more. “We both know that’s unlikely. Tell Rebecca I’ll call her back when I can.”

The line went dead. She carefully replaced the receiver in its cradle. The bastard. He didn’t even give her the satisfaction of hanging up on him.

“What on earth was that all about?”

For the first time she noticed her mother standing behind her. Her face flamed with fresh humiliation.

“That was Ben. He phoned to talk to Rebecca.” She couldn’t look at Mavis.

She touched her shoulder. “You’re shaking. What did he say to you?”

“Just the same old, same old.” She turned and gave her mother a smile she knew didn’t reach her eyes. “I think I’m going to get dressed and go for a nice long walk. I need to clear my head.”

“Bridget, honey, if you need to talk, I’m right here.”

Her mother was holding out an olive branch, or perhaps a lifeline, but she couldn’t make herself take it. She couldn’t bear to talk about the last few humiliating months of her marriage.

“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate your concern, but I just need to be alone for a while.”

She hurried from the living room and dressed quickly in her room. Mavis was still in the living room when she emerged from the bedroom.

“Bridget, are you sure you don’t want something to eat first? I can make some coffee and we can just sit. We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.”

She noted the lines of worry around Mavis’s mouth and the anxious expression in her eyes. She reached for one of her mother’s hands and squeezed it.

“I’m sorry, Mom, I’m not really hungry. I’ve got some stuff I’ve got to think through for myself. Maybe later I’ll be able to talk to you, but right now I need to walk.”

Mavis expelled a long breath and then nodded. “Make sure you dress warmly. It’s cold out there.”

Bridget pulled her into a quick hug and Mavis held her tightly. “I will, Mom. Don’t worry.”

Once outside she was glad for the warm parka and boots her mother had insisted she wear. Though there wasn’t snow yet, the air was crisp and cold, and frost coated the grass along the side of the road. Bridget walked, at first not really sure where she was going. Eventually she realized she was on the road to Jack’s ranch, which was less than two miles from town. She didn’t analyze too closely her reasons, subconscious or otherwise, for seeking him out.

As she walked into the yard, she saw Jack emerge from the barn with Dallas Green, his hired hand. Dallas waved at Jack and jumped into his truck, driving past her on his way out of the yard.

Jack lifted his hand to wave at her and headed in her direction.

“Where’s your car?” he asked.

“I walked.”

“You walked?” he said with a smile. “What’s going on? It’s a little early in the morning for one of your walks, isn’t it?”

“Not when I get a phone call from my ex it isn’t.”

All traces of amusement left his face. “What did he say to you?”

“Just stuff.” She averted her gaze. She couldn’t talk to Jack any more than she could her mother.

“Hey, come here.” He took her arm and pulled her close. She melted into the warmth of his body, wrapping her arms loosely around his waist.

“Your ex is a jerk.”

She looked up into his face, amused by the vehemence in his voice. “How do you know that? You’ve never even met him.”

“I don’t have to meet him. Any man who makes you this unhappy has to be a jerk.”

She laid her cheek against his chest. “I can’t argue with you there.”

Jack stroked her back with his gloved hand, lending comfort. She relaxed against him.

“Why don’t we go in the house?” he said. “I’ll fix you and the girls some breakfast. I’m really great at toaster waffles.”

“I’m not really hungry.” She tightened her hold when he started to move away, her face still burrowed in his chest. “Jack, years ago, when you and I were together, was I attractive to you? Did you think I was, you know, sexy? Did you like kissing me—and stuff?” Her face burned with embarrassment. She couldn’t believe she was asking him this, but she had to know.

He went very still and she pulled away, keeping her gaze carefully averted. “You don’t have to answer that. It was a stupid question.”

He tipped her chin so she was forced to look into his face. She was shocked by his fierce expression. “Bridget, you were the most beautiful, sexy woman I’d ever seen. You still are. I loved kissing you, and holding you, touching you. I loved the way you smelled and the way you felt in my arms. I wanted you then, and you know I want you now.”

She stared at him, stunned. Was he trying to make her feel better or did he really feel that way?

He read her mind. “If you ask me if I really mean it, I’m going to shake you till your teeth rattle.” He cupped her face with his hand. “I don’t know what your ex has said to you. Whatever he’s said, don’t believe it. You are a beautiful, vibrant, incredibly sexy woman, and if you change your mind and take me up on my offer, I would gladly take you to my bed. No, I would enthusiastically take you to my bed. I would howl at the moon in absolute bliss if you slept with me.”

A sound that was part laugh and part sob escaped. She brushed away the tear that rolled down her cheek.

“I guess you really do mean it,” she said with a shaky smile. “Thank you.”

“For what? Telling you the truth?”

For making me feel like someone would want me again.
“For your lovely speech.”

“It’s no speech, Bridget. It’s how I feel.”

“I know. That’s why it’s so lovely.”

They stared at each other for several long moments. She studied the contours of his face, the strong chin, the chiseled cheekbones, the laugh lines around the eyes. She’d known this man since they were kids, and though they’d been apart for twenty years, she
knew
Jack wouldn’t lie to her. A small glimmer of hope shone in her heart.

“How about we go in the house and I whip up a batch of pancakes? I suddenly feel very hungry.”

He put his arm around her shoulders as they headed to the house. “Thank God. I hate toaster waffles.”

* * *

That evening Bridget sat on her bed, absently brushing her hair. All day long she’d thought about what Jack had told her, that she was beautiful and sexy, that he wanted to make love with her. It still amazed her. She knew he meant what he said. She just couldn’t believe he felt that way.

She rose from the bed and walked over to the full-length mirror which was mounted on the outside of her closet door. Slowly she removed all her clothes until she stood naked in front of the mirror. She closed her eyes, unable to look.

With an effort she forced herself to open them. What did others see when they looked at her? What did Jack see?

She stared at her face in the mirror. Celia had been right about her skin. It was free of blemishes and so far she’d kept the wrinkles at bay. She had more freckles than she’d like. Ben always told her they were unattractive, so while she was married to him she wore makeup to cover them up. When they divorced she didn’t have the energy or the money to spend on makeup. It was all she could manage to keep her face clean and moisturized.

But now when she looked into her face and saw the freckles that dotted her nose and cheekbones, she wondered why she’d spent so much time and energy covering them up. They weren’t hideously deforming as she’d come to believe, they were just freckles. They were part of who she was.

She ran a hand over the swell of one small breast, and then the other. Even as a teenager she’d been self-conscious about her lack of endowment, especially when she compared herself to girls like Tina, who were at least a couple of cup sizes bigger than she was. She ran a finger around the dusky-colored nipple. She smiled ruefully. At least her breasts were still pert. She’d never have to worry about them sagging to her navel.

She lowered her hand over her stomach, to her lower abdomen that bore the scar from the Caesarian section she’d had when Rebecca was born. Ben had always found it ugly, but when she looked at it objectively, it was merely a thin, raised white line. She ran her finger over the scar, feeling its edges. How could she be upset about a small scar she’d received as a result of the birth of her daughter?

She had to admit her hip bones protruded. Ben called her bony, saying he could cut himself on her sharp bones. She’d lost weight after the business went under, and more after the divorce, unable to eat at times, and not having a lot of food in the house at other times. It was only in the last few months, since she’d been back in Paradise, that she’d been able to put on a few pounds. Maybe it was all the apple pie.

She had long legs, decent shape, and slender arms and fingers. Her neck was long and graceful, and her butt, while not voluptuous, at least didn’t have a lot of cellulite.

All in all, she was okay.

The realization came as something of a shock. For a long time she’d considered herself unattractive, ugly even, so to see that she was neither hideous nor deformed came as a revelation.

When she heard Ben’s voice in her head, laughing at her, telling her she was only fooling herself, she ruthlessly shut him off. She’d heard his comments so often and for so long, she’d come to see them as the truth.

No more.

Maybe she could come to see herself, if not beautiful, as at least mildly attractive. Maybe she was worth loving.

The thought brought her up short. Is that what she’d believed all this time? That she wasn’t worth loving? Is that why she’d stayed with Ben all those years, because she didn’t think anyone else would want her?

How stupid she’d been. What kind of example had she set for her daughter?

Hopefully it wasn’t too late. Maybe she could learn to love herself and treat herself with kindness. Maybe someday she’d even know happiness again.

She smiled at her reflection. Because she deserved it.

* * *

The following Friday night, Bridget drove to Jack’s ranch to pick up Rebecca. She had ridden her bike there after school, but it was likely the last time, since the forecast called for snow. Bridget knew she’d have to find another way to put Rebecca and her horse together over the winter.