Five Portraits (33 page)

“You are clever in your off moments,” Fornax murmured.

“It's more like desperation and sheer luck,” Astrid replied subvocally.

The landing led to another flight of steps. They mounted these to another landing, and thence to more steps. But eventually they reached the regular cellar of the castle.

There was a boy, about five years old, playing with something on the floor. It looked dead, but it was running around. In fact it was a zombie rat, hideous to behold.

“Hello,” Astrid said. “I'm Astrid.”

“I'm Plato,” the boy said, responding in kind, as she had hoped.

“Princess Eve's son,” Fornax murmured. “The future second Zombie Master.”

So Eve was out, but her son remained. Someone must be here to take care of him. “May I speak to your nanny?” Astrid asked.

“Sure. She's in the kitchen. She's a zombie.”

Astrid suppressed her surprise. This was Hades, after all. “Thank you.” They walked on up one more flight of steps and into the castle proper.

“Hello!” Astrid called, to alert the nanny.

A gray-haired young woman appeared. “Who are you?” she asked, evidently alarmed by the intrusion.

“I am Astrid, and this is Santo,” Astrid said. “We got caught in the dungeon and wish to return to Xanth. We're sorry to bother you, miss—?”

“Zosi,” the woman said. “I'm Plato's governess.”

Santo laughed. “He said you were a zombie.”

“I am.”

There was a brief but awkward pause. Astrid tried to patch it up. “You certainly don't look like a zombie.”

“It's a long story. I'm fully alive at the moment. How did you get in the dungeon?”

“That's complicated to explain.”

“Maybe we should have enough of a discussion to get to know each other better,” Zosi said diplomatically.

“I'm hungry,” Santo said.

“Do you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”

“Sure.”

“That's good. My talent is to conjure them.”

The mention of food brought Plato to join the group, along with his rat, and the boys discussed holes and dead things while they ate. Soon the adults were seated in a pleasant living room overlooking a somber scene of Hades outside. “I really am a zombie,” the woman said. “Zosi Zombie. I spent some time in the ground defending Castle Roogna from invaders. But since the retirement of the original Zombie Master the zombies have become fewer. We slowly wear out, and have to be replaced, but there are no replacements to be had. So I was selected to return to life so I could try to deal with the problem. In time I encountered Plato, and Princess Eve prevailed on me to become his governess. His talent is to reanimate dead things, you see, and since I'm a zombie, that doesn't bother me the way it does others, and I don't bother him the way prim finicky women do. So I am here taking care of him and helping him develop his talent. He can't reanimate dead human folk yet, but when he's grown he'll do it, and zombies will no longer be threatened with extinction.”

“That's remarkable,” Astrid said. “It never occurred to me that there could be a shortage of zombies.”

“They're an essential part of Xanth, just as puns are.”

“Which bring us to us,” Astrid said. “I am a basilisk in a manner roughly similar to the way you are a zombie: I am in human form, and mask my gaze so as not to hurt anyone inadvertently. I have a soul, and the basilisk life didn't entirely suit me, so the Good Magician got me transformed, and I served on a mission to repay him, acting as a bodyguard because of my ability to kill monsters. That mission was to eliminate the virus that destroyed Xanth's puns.”

“It never occurred to me that there could ever be a shortage of puns,” Zosi said with a smile.

“But it seemed that no sooner had we managed to make Xanth safe again for puns, and start restoring them from the capacious depths of Caprice Castle's vaults, when we learned of another threat to Xanth: it will be destroyed in fifty years, unless we can get five orphan children adopted into new families, and their portraits painted. Santo here is one of the children. He felt unworthy, so he fled to what turned out to be your dungeon. Hence my presence there.”

Zosi's brow furrowed. “How did he get in there, and how did you locate him? Hades is far away from Xanth.”

“His talent is making holes,” Astrid explained. “He made a tunnel to your dungeon.”

“A tunnel from Xanth? That would require Magician class magic!”

“So it seems. As for how I found him, I had help from my friend Fornax.”

“Fornax! She's a notorious mischief-maker. We had to fight her constantly to eliminate the Bomb that changed beauties to crones. In fact, she made the Bomb. Do not trust her.”

Astrid smiled. “Times change. She also made the dress I am wearing, that was instrumental in dealing with the virus. She is my friend.”

“I don't think she is anybody's friend. Don't trust her.”

Astrid was taken aback. “Maybe if you heard her side of it, you would reconsider.”

Zosi shook her head. “I'm not sure of that.”

Fornax appeared. “Hello, Zosi. I remember you and respect you.”

“The Demoness!” Zosi exclaimed, horrified.

“Listen to her,” Astrid said. “She's on our side now.”

“You almost got Kody killed!”

“Kody?” Astrid asked.

“Her Mundane boyfriend who visits her in his dreams,” Fornax explained.

“I'm his dream girl,” Zosi agreed.

“I confess I made mischief for you, Zosi,” Fornax said. “And for Astrid's party. But then things changed.”

“What could change a malicious Demoness?”

“Friendship.”

“She needed a friend, and I became that friend,” Astrid said. “She has been a friend indeed, helping me throughout, though it will cost her a Demon bet. She saved the life of one of the children, and got in trouble with the Demons for it. She enabled me to find Santo in your dungeon.”

“I find that hard to believe.” Zosi shook her head as if clearing it. “Which reminds me: why did he go there? It's not a good place.”

“He felt unworthy to be adopted,” Astrid said.

“Why?”

Astrid hesitated, uncertain whether to speak of the boy's secret.

“Because I'm gay,” Santo said.

“Really? That's wonderful!”

Astrid, Santo, and Fornax stared at her. She did not seem to be sarcastic. “Wonderful?” Santo asked.

“My boyfriend in Mundania is gay.” Zosi saw their looks of incredulity. “He's reversed in Xanth, and we love each other. But I would never fit in with his real life.”

“You know he's gay, but you don't condemn him?” Santo asked.

“Why should I condemn him? He's a fine man. I'm staying alive because of him. Otherwise I'd have little reason not to return to my full zombie state.”

“But you're taking care of Plato!” Astrid protested.

“Yes, and that is worthwhile. But that's my job, not my preference. My will to live is because of my dream man.”

“I don't think I quite understand,” Astrid said. “Which one of you is dreaming?”

“He is. Awake, he's in Mundania. But he can dream of Xanth. That's when he visits me, reversed. That's what I live for. His visits. It's a dream to him, but he's perfectly solid to me.”

“He detonated the Bomb and woke in Mundania,” Fornax said. “The Night Stallion gave him a dream pass. I'm glad it worked out.”

Zosi looked at her. “You're not here to mess that up?”

“Not at all, dear. I'm here to help save Xanth from destruction.”

“I hope it's true.”

“It's true,” Santo said. “Aunt Fornax helped fetch me from the future, where I would have died, along with the other children.”

“How did you get involved with children?” Zosi asked Fornax.

“Wenda Woodwife said it would facilitate friendship,” Fornax said. “She was right.”

“Wenda! I know her. She loves children.”

“She does,” Astrid agreed.

Zosi shook her head again. “Then I guess I have to believe you, Demoness. I apologize for speaking unkindly of you.”

“No need,” Fornax said. “We were on opposite sides then.”

“But do they allow you to change things in Xanth, now?”

“No. I will be put on Demon Trial if I interfere.”

“Then how can you help Astrid or the children?”

“I don't. I merely observe, and sometimes make incidental remarks.”

“They can't prove anything more,” Santo said.

Zosi nodded, understanding. “I am glad to have had your visit, Astrid, Santo, Fornax, and I'm sure Plato is glad to see another child.”

“Yeah, he makes great holes,” Plato said enthusiastically. “See, here's one he made me from golf course junk.” He held up a big numeral one with a hole through it. “A hole-in-one. They really like those in Mundania, for some reason.”

“I'm sure they do,” Zosi agreed, looking slightly pained by the pun.

“I think we have to be moving on,” Astrid said. “We have marriages and adoptions to perform, and portraits to be painted.”

“You said all this is to save Xanth from destruction,” Zosi said. “I don't follow that.”

“It's a prophecy,” Astrid explained. “Xanth will be destroyed in fifty years, but if we can get the five children adopted and painted, then it will be saved.”

“That is a worthy cause,” Zosi agreed. “I hope you succeed. It would be awkward for us all if Xanth perished.”

They all laughed at that. The tension dissipated.

“I will show you to the River Styx,” Zosi said. “Charon, who poles the raft across, can be balky, but he'll generally settle for a kiss and feel from a pretty woman.”

“I thought he was married,” Astrid said.

“He is.”

“Then what's he doing imposing on other women? That's not supposed to happen in Xanth.”

“This isn't Xanth.”

“Oh.” Even the children smiled at Astrid's discomfort.

“There's no Adult Conspiracy here, either,” Zosi said. “So brace yourself when we walk the path to the river.”

“Something's on the path?”

“Off the path. The demons of Hades know the path is enchanted, so they can't reach you no matter how horribly they threaten. So they try to lure you off the path, and they'll use anything they think might work. You have to ignore them.”

“It's fun,” Plato said, carrying his half-dead rat.

Astrid did not trust that. “As long as it leads back to Xanth.”

“The river is the boundary between Hades and everything else. For folk of Xanth, the other side is Xanth.”

“Even though Hades is in another planet?”

“Magical realms know few boundaries.”

“This should be interesting,” Astrid said.

Fornax smiled obscurely without commenting.

They went to the front castle gate. There was a demon guard there, but he let them pass. Zosi clear had authority in the absence of the proprietors, and of course Plato was the son of Pluto, their ruler.

They followed the path down the mountain and into a dark forest. A handsome man appeared beside the path, beckoning Astrid. “They are silent,” Zosi said. “You can hear them only if you cross the line. Don't do that; you'll never manage to get back on it, and the demons will have their nefarious way with you.”

“What would a demon want with me?” Astrid asked.

“But they can hear us,” Zosi said warningly.

Indeed, the demon pantomimed embracing Astrid, kissing her, and undressing her. Then he became insultingly more specific.

“But the children!” Astrid protested, before remembering that there was no Adult Conspiracy.

“I don't know for sure what he wants to do with you, Aunt Astrid,” Santo said. “But it doesn't look as if it's much fun for you.”

“I am certainly not crossing the line,” Astrid said primly.

“So there, spook!” Plato called, gesturing with a finger. The demon angrily dissipated into smoke.

Astrid almost swallowed her teeth. No child was supposed to know that gesture, especially not a five-year-old.

“You're right, Plato,” Santo said. “It's confusing but interesting on the path.”

“You have to endure this whenever you're out here?” Astrid asked Zosi, appalled.

“No. They have long since learned that it's a waste of time flashing me. But you're new here, so they're trying. Just ignore them and they'll go away after a while.”

Now a sultry demoness addressed Santo. She had a table loaded with cakes, chocolates, and eye scream.
Come here
, she signaled,
and all this will be yours.

“What would happen if I went?” Santo asked Plato.

“She'd sprout teeth and eat
you
.”

“Too bad. That food looks great.”

“Watch.” Plato set down his zombie rat. It scurried quickly across the line, heading for the food, or maybe just to hide under the table.

In a moment the rat reached the demoness and scurried up her leg.
Eeeek!
she screamed silently, batting at the rodent. The table collapsed and the food slid to the ground, where it reverted to its real nature: garbage.

The demoness, furious, caught the rat in her hands, which had become talons. She opened her mouth, which had grown fangs, and bit the rat's head off. Then she spat it out again, revolted; evidently zombies did not taste good. She glared at Plato, who responded with another finger. She exploded into vile smoke.

“Let's move on,” Astrid said, urging Santo forward. She was not amused, but it was evident that the children found the incident hilarious.

“This is Hades,” Zosi reminded her.

So it was, obviously. At least the demons stopped trying to tempt them off the path.